EMMA THOMPSON: ‘THE ENGLISH SHOULD DROWN IN SEA OF SH*T’

HOLLYWOOD – Oscar winning actress and tireless charity campaigner Emma Thompson today released another scathing attack on her mother country, England.

Emma Thompson last week provoked ire in her own country by calling England a sad little rainy island full of cake. But now she has reportedly doubled down, having heard the outcry that her previous comments caused. She allegedly told the Studio Exec:

The English are a bunch of sad bum faces who should all drown in a sea of their own sh*t that spouts out of their bum faces on the top of their sad bum heads.

But surely…

Sad bum heads with dirty great sad stupid faces that were only put on this earth to be slammed by the big fat swinging buttocks of stupid bum faces.

And cake?

Don’t get me started on their cake. They eat all this cake but it’s cake that’s made of shit and it goes in as shit and then it comes out of the bum faces as double shit.

This is not the first time that the celebrated actress has been in trouble for her outspoken opinions. When making Remains of the Day with Anthony Hopkins, Thompson called the Welsh actor ‘a Welsh bum face’. After Sense and Sensibility, she referred to Kate Winslett as ‘that bum face woman.’ And she more recently described Tom Hanks during the making of Saving Mr. Banks as ‘buttock face’.

Alone in Berlin will be released in 2016.

EMMA THOMPSON ADMITS: I DON’T HAVE A DRINKING PROBLEM

LONDON – Star of stage and screen, Nanny McPhee and PL Travers, Emma Thompson admitted today that she didn’t have a drinking problem.

‘I’ve not had a drinking problem for several years,’ said Emma. ‘I’ve been pretending all this time because I thought it was a bit of a giggle.’

Rumors that the Sense and Sensibility star might not have a drinking problem started at the Golden Globes. Mark Strong said:

She went on stage and looked woozy, utterly plastered actually, but when she came back she sat down with me and we talked and she seemed perfectly lucid. She had a couple of glasses of wine, but nothing excessive. It was then that I first realized she must be putting it on.

Stephen Fry the host of the BAFTAs was similarly unimpressed by Ms. Thompson’s imbibing. 

As someone who has himself had to deal with addiction problems I’m a pretty good judge of other peoples’ inebriation or otherwise. And I have to say off stage she was stone cold sober, the little pekinese. 

Thompson told the Studio Exec that she wouldn’t be going to a clinic to dry out and she was not a member of AA. She said she wasn’t ashamed, nor was she grateful for all the support she hadn’t received from friends and relatives alike. 

Men, Women & Children will be released in 2014.

SCRIPT LEAK: SAVING MR DUMBLEDORE



EXT. AIRPORT

JK ROWLING steps out of the airport to be greeted by her driver.

ROWLING

What’s that smell? It’s … it’s…

DRIVER

Jasmine.

ROWLING

Ah yes. Jasmine.



INT. STUDIO. JACK WARNER’S OFFICE

JACK WARNER sits at a desk anachronistically.

WARNER

Ms. Rowling. I love your Harry Potter books. We want to pay millions of dollars to turn them all into multi-million dollar blockbusters.

ROWLING

Okay.

 

FIN

SAVING MR. BANKS: REVIEWS

Saving Mr. Banks



Disney goes Meta. Forrest Gump wants to make a movie called Mary Poppins but the author of the novel, Nanny McPhee, is reluctant to cede control because she is too busy thinking back to when Colin Farrell dressed up as Johnny Depp from Finding Neverland but in Australia.
Emma Thompson is wonderful as a female version of Jack Nicholson in As Good As It Gets, the kind of ornery curmudgeon who we love watching being horrifically rude to everyone safe in the knowledge that it’s all because of something’s rotten in the state of childhood and by the final reel she will have redeemed herself with fat wet tears. A disabled child is mentioned but thankfully not wheeled on. Tom Hanks’ impersonation of Disney isn’t bad, though I can’t help but remember Hanks the comedian. 

Disney (the company) have done a clever thing here, taking on its critics, allowing them enough room to say all the rude things they can about Disney – which (Walt) Disney listens to with frankly implausible patience – and then ultimately getting them to succumb to the magic once Walt has got his way on absolutely everything: Mary Poppins is a musical, there’s animation, he has a mustache and there is the color red. Of course we all succumb. You will, I did, even Mrs Travers, because a spoon full of sugar helps the sugar go down.