DONALD TRUMP PROMISES TO DEPORT STING

NEW YORK – In what is seen as a vote winning move, Donald Trump has said that if he is made President his first act following his inauguration will be to deport British born singer Sting.

The business tycoon turned Reality star Donald Trump promised yesterday that if he were made President he would prioritize the immediate deportation of musician Sting. He told a packed rally at Iowa State University.

I will deport Sting. He’s an alien, he’s an illegal alien. He’s an Englishman. And he’s in New York.

Donald Trump denied that the policy change was due to the advice of Governor Sarah Palin who endorsed him recently and who is set to star with Mr. Trump in a new film project.

Trump told reporters:

Sting comes here. He’s not a friendly guy. Don’t Stand so Close to Me, he sings. Why not? What’s so good about you that we can’t stand so close to you? He favors prostitution. He’s lived in our country for decades and has never become a citizen and he’s so brazen about the illegal status of his residency that he sings about it on a hit album.

Donald Trump will be released in 2018.

SARAH PALIN AND DONALD TRUMP TO STAR IN DUMB AND DUMBER 3

HOLLYWOOD – Dumb and Dumber 3 is back on with new stars Donald Trump and Sarah Palin.

They haven’t yet won the White House but they’re already making inroads into Hollywood. News came in today that Sarah Palin and Presidential candidate for the Republican Party Donald Trump have signed up to star in Dumb and Dumber 3. The sequel will see the two ‘politicians’ take over from Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels in the lead roles. Former governor of Alaska Sarah Palin dropped by the Studio Exec Bungalow to talk about the film:

We’re going to play Harold and Lloyd’s out of town cousins. People are always saying that I’m stupid and Donald’s a buffoon and I thought why not take that and run with it. You remember when I went on Saturday Night Live with Tina Fey? Well, this is the same thing.

Aren’t you worried it will ruin your reputation?

Reputation? Ha! Listen they’ve been laughing at me ever since I said I wanted to run for office. Well, as Gandhi once said ‘First they laugh at you and then they get angry and then you win’ and he should know. After all he did invent the bicycle!

But what if you become Donald Trump’s running mate and then win. Will you still do the film?

Listen when I set my mind to it, I go all the way, unless I get bored. Or something better comes up. So definitely yes-ish.

Dumb and Dumber 3: in Da WHITE house will be released in 2018.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

BARACK OBAMA TO GUEST HOST SNL

NEW YORK – Following President Barack Obama’s hit turn on Jimmy Kimmel Live – reading nasty tweets – it has been revealed that POTUS will guest host Saturday Night Live some time later this year.

Showrunner Lorne Michaels told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

We’ve been trying to book Barack now for years. He has a fine comic talent. His corrsepondent’s dinner speeches are classics of stand up and when I saw him on Kimmel, I won’t lie I was mad as hell. He’d always told us he was too busy with affairs of state to come over and do some hosting for us. So I got him on the phone and this time there was no backing out.

President Obama himself issued a statement confirming that the long awaited comedy turn would happen.

I am leader of the free world and one of the most powerful men in the Western Hemisphere. I’m Commander in Chief and I have the powers of the NSA, CIA, FBI and a number of drones at my beck and call. But what I really want to do is make people laugh. I enjoyed my time with Jimmy Kimmel and I am really looking forward to joining the SNL cast and kicking back with some hilarious sketches. I’m particularly eager to team up with Sarah Palin, who I hear is as funny a gal in real life as she is on television.

The news comes as rumors circulate about a possible prime time spot for Barack Obama in his post presidential career. The show that has been touted will be written by Jon Favreau and will be titled Barack Obama’s Laugh In.

Barack Obama presents SNL will be broadcast sometime in April.

 

INTERSTELLAR: FIRST REACTIONS

HOLLYWOOD – Following the first screenings of Christopher Nolan’s new science fiction epic Interstellar the first reactions from the internet are in and we have collected them.

Generally speaking the reaction from the celebrities who have seen the film have been overwhelmingly positive. For example, Gordon Ramsey tweeted ‘F*cking great f*cking science f*cking fiction film, Chris!’ and Fox News’ Doctor Manny tweeted ‘Interstellar cures cancer AND herpes’.

Here are some other responses gathered EXCLUSIVELY by the Studio Exec:

Christopher Nolan’s new film Interstellar was so good it made me want to JUMP!

Dave Lee Roth

WTF! Casey Affleck is in  this? When did that happen?

Ben Affleck

One of the funniest films I have ever seen. Nolan is a master.

Adam Sandler

Interstellar is a deeply religious film. Truly spiritual and Christopher Nolan must be applauded for actually spending so much time in space to make this.

Sarah Palin

Interstellar sh*ts on Gravity. From a height!

NASA

Matthew McConaughey is awful. Embarrassing really.

Woody Harrelson

I should have used more tuba.

Hans Zimmer

Good to see it done well and not have to think about Ghostbusters 3. Which will be out in 2016.

Dan Aykroyd

Okay Chris. I give up. You’ve got the job.

God

DAVID ZUCKER’S CONSERVATIVE COMEDY CLUB

HOLLYWOOD – David Zucker – director of such brilliant films as Airplane! and such dire posthumous-smelling tripe as An American Carol – today announced the formation of the Conservative Comedy Club, an organisation which will seek to redress the liberal/left wing bias in the chuckle farm.

Everyone thinks conservative aren’t funny,’ said Zucker. ‘They think we’re a bunch of bigoted fearful haters, who consider Bill O’Reilly an intellectual. But that just isn’t true. The first bit I mean. we’re hilarious. I mean look at Sarah Palin.’

The CCC was welcomed by its charter members Kelsey Gramner and Adam Sandler:

It’s about time that we had someone championing the ‘Right’ to be funny. Did you see what I did there?

For years, there has been a tendency to think of incisive and funny comedy of having almost inevitably an open minded liberal bias. Despite the best efforts of Andrew ‘the Dice’ Clay, many of the best comedians – Lenny Bruce, Bill Hicks, Louis CK, George Carlin, John Stewart, Bill Maher, Sarah Silverman, and Jerry Sienfeld – come from liberal or radical left wing backgrounds, or – like Chris Tucker, Eddie Murphy and Richard Pryor – are black. Zucker says:

funny

The CCC will be a place where John Ratzenberger and Kelsey Grammer can sit down and share a joke without being accused of endorsing homosexuality or a Cheers spin off.