MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY WILL RETURN TO TRUE DETECTIVE 3 BUT NOT AS RUST COHLE

HOLLYWOOD – Matthew McConaughey will come back to True Detective 3, but not as Rust Cohle.

True Detective 3 is getting a boost this week with the casting of Mahershala Ali and now Matthew McConaughey agreeing to return. However, fans should be cautious. McConaughey popped in to the Studio Exec Bungalow to discuss his non-Rust Cohle role.

Aright aright aright!

Hi Matthew. So True Detective 3 is on?

Yeah. To tell you the truth I was on for True Detective 2 as well but Nic Pizzolatto wanted to take it in a different direction. And I respected that. He got his ass handed to him though and now he comes back to me.

So the return of Rust Cohle is here. 

No, not at all. I will not play Rust again. I like what Nic was doing with the anthology series and I thought it would play much better if I came back as another character.

Wait, what?

I’m playing Tripp from Failure to Launch.

The comedy?

Yeah. I guessed the idea is that I want to expand the Failure to Launch universe and have it intersect with the True Detective universe too. I got the idea from Marvel movies. And they seem pretty successful.

How did Nic Pi…?

He hated the idea. That’s why he went off and did the second season without me. But now I kind have him over a barrel. And now we have Mahershala who’s going to play the Sarah Jessica Parker role. We haven’t told him yet. So shhhhh.

That’s nuts!

Isn’t it? The tone is going to be different. We’ll still do the crime stuff but with a lighter edge like Manimal but without the guy changing into an animal. Zooey Deschenal and Stephen Tobolowsky are going to come back and some of the others. I want to find a role for Colin Farrell, just so I can show him how it’s done.

True Detective 3 will drop on HBO in 2018.

KEN LOACH TO DIRECT SEX AND THE CITY 3

NEW YORK – Ken Loach will direct Sex and the City 3.

Ken Loach takes over from Brett Ratner who producers had deemed ‘overly intellectual’. The English director interrupted a world tour of boycotting film festivals that don’t endorse the immediate abolition of Israel, in order to start working on Sex and the City 3 straight away.

‘I used to watch the TV series religiously,’ said old Land and Freedom. ‘By which I mean on Sundays.’

The Raining Stones director continued:

I believe that in its original format it represented one of the most incisive indictments of free market capitalism and the vacuous deficiencies of consumerism. Carrie and Samantha represent the proletariat in a state of extreme false consciousness. Truly gripping.

Sarah Jessica Parker said that she had been having long discussion with Kenny for years. ‘He’d phone and we’d bitch about cellulite and joke about oral sex. Believe me he’s a perfect fit.’

Many friends of the director see this as a personal triumph. The director, who is in his seventies, suffers from Ponderous Disease, a condition which causes the patient’s fingers to get stuck to his/her chin. 

The news comes as hopes for the film were collapsing. Sarah Jessica Parker, Kim Cattrall and Cynthia Nixon will return as will Chris North. 

Sex and the City 3: the Collapse of Capitalism will be released in 2019.

MY FAVORITE FILM: BERNIE SANDERS

WASHINGTON – Good day to you good folks. My name is Bernie Sadners and I’m here because the American people are sick and tired of other people’s favorite films.

Films like Wall Street and The Wolf of Wall Street, films that are for, about and by the one percent and they want instead a film that speaks tot he American middle class who have seen gross income inequality on the rise for the last two decades and no one do anything about it. I believe in a cinema for the people, about the people and by the people. Films that reflect the plight or ordinary men and women, ordinary Americans and it is for this reason that I have chosen Sex and the City 2.

I know what you’re thinking. But Bernie, Bernie, surely Sex and the City is the far superior film! But my friends I am not here to make popular choices, to kowtow to lobbyists and vested interests. I am here to speak from the heart about what I see in the world and the best cinematic art that represents that and Carrie and her friends in Sex and the City 2 show us how good -humored camaraderie can defeat even the most repressive of regimes, utilizing good fashion sense and etc.

In many ways these are worthless individuals, consumers who know nothing of the world, but their trip to Abu Dhabi gives them a political education. Samantha ostentatious sex drive causes the Arab Spring for instance and Carrie begins to understand the plight of the low paid workers of the world. Their superficial apprehension of the world around them is deepened and yet they still retain an essential American verve and vim. It is funny and those ladies are easy on the eye. I’ll say!

Many have claimed that my socialism, my status as a progressive is un-American, but I would put it to them Sex and the City 2 proves that America can be just as good as Denmark if not a little better.

For more Favorite Films, Click HERE.

SARAH JESSICA PARKER SIGNS ON FOR THE BECHDEL TEST

NEW YORK – Socialite and ‘actress’ Sarah Jessica Parker has signed up for Lynne Ramsey’s The Bechdel Test

Based on the ‘Dykes to Watch Out For’ comic strip by Alison Bechdel, the film has been in development since the Eighties. One higher up at Warner Bros told the Studio Exec:

We’ve been trying to make a film that will at once highlight and redress the problem of the under representation of women in mainstream Hollywood cinema. I don’t know why it’s been so difficult getting this film off the ground, because pppffff… we really care about this and…. pfff I’m sorry and we want to do this because… pfff. we care. Sorry I have something in my throat. 

The rules of the Bechdel Test are simple. For a film to pass it must have at least two named female characters, they must talk to each other and the subject of their conversation must be something other than men. The test was recently destroyed by UK film blog Flickering Myth who published an article by Luke Owen that comprised of just three words: “Alien 3. Amazing!”

Sarah Jessica Parker seemed undeterred though:

Luke Owen’s an asshole. He set up the Bechdel test as this complete straw man so that he could knock it down and thus maintain his patriarchal hegemony bullshit. 

So where did you hear about the Bechdel test?

We were filming Sex and the City 3 with Ken Loach and he got to telling the girls all about female misrepresentation and, worst still, under representation and we all said you know what that’s bullshit. So I called my agent and we got on it.  

What will the film be about?

We’re going ironic. We have two unnamed female characters and they basically talk for two hours. And it’s all about men. You see what we’re doing?

No. 

And you know who we talk about?

No.

That asshole Luke Owen from Flickering Myth. And we are not kind.

Sex and the City 3 is due out in 2015. 

SARAH JESSICA PARKER FIRED FROM STRIKING DISTANCE 2

Muffy (right)

HOLLYWOOD – Producer Ron Bozman revealed today in a candid interview in French cultural magazine Chapeau that Sarah Jessica Parker has been fired from the sequel to the 1993 film Striking Distance – provisionally entitled Striking Distance 2: A New Boat – which is currently filming in Louisiana. Parker, who was reprising her role as Jo Christman, was apparently “very difficult” to work with.
“You wouldn’t believe the attitude… I got called to the set almost everyday,” said Bozman. “Her husband Matthew Broderick’d call all the time while we were filming. You think she’d be a bit more professional but she’d just start screaming and say he needed her.” He recalled the event that broke the horse’s back: “He drove all the way down to the set… wearing a ridiculous pink apron, babbling about a recipe for snickerdoodles… and that was when I said she was out.”

Rowdy Herrington, director of the original film, refused the project as he is currently busy directing puppet shows for seniors at the Soft Twilight Nursing Home for Dignified Incontinence. The studio then turned to Renny Harlin, whose schedule was very open: in between filming the occasional episode of a USA network series, he spends his time standing on the Rocky Mountains where his 1993 film Cliffhanger was shot, simply screaming “Why?” 

A lot of footage had been shot with Parker, but relief came in the form of an acting horse, rising animal star Muffy McGee, one of the few survivors of Peter Jackson’s animal holocaust. Bozman gushed about Parker’s replacement: “We put Muffy on set and continued filming, we were amazed it matched the rest of the footage perfectly.”

Bruce Willis, who is reprising his role as Det. Tom Hardy, was unconcerned about the re-casting of his co-star. “Am I getting paid for these questions?” he asked. For a moment he stood in silence with one eye closed and a crooked smirk on his face, then continued: “It doesn’t really matter to me who my co-star is, I’m getting paid. I stopped caring long ago… I mean, remember my role on Friends, or Armageddon? Who would agree to work with David Schwimmer or Ben Affleck if they weren’t getting a fat check?”

It’s unclear if Parker’s firing will affect her career. The only project the actress currently has in the pipeline is an unspecified role in Antoine Fuqua’s Mutha Flicka, which is said to be a “Dark and gritty” entry in the classic film series.

Striking Distance 2 is set for release this Fall.