HOLLYWOOD – Even as Quentin Tarantino adds the final touches to The Hateful Eight, rumors are already circulating about his next film being his long-awaited Jane Austen adaptation. 

In an EXCLUSIVE phone call to the Guatemalan office of Studio Exec, Quentin Tarantino was explicit: ‘It’s always been my dream to do a Jane Austen adaptation. I f*cking love Northanger Abbey, and I would costume drama and post-modern irony the shit out of that motherf*cker.’

What attracts you to the 19th Century novelist?

She’s the Elmore Leonard of her time. Just snappy as shit. Tight plotting and strong female characters. I’ve been a fan for years and watched with something like f*cking despair as assholes like Joe Wright and Emma Thompson fuck her up time and time again. 

And who do you see in the film?

I’ve already had long conversations with Samuel L. Jackson about General Tilney. He’d be perfect, cause he has to seem threatening and yet ultimately, well I don’t want to give it away to anyone who hasn’t read the book. By the way Northanger Abbey was published in 1798 and so she wrote that one as an 18th Century novelist. Jamie Foxx would be his son Henry, but as yet I don’t have anyone for Catherine. Maybe Emma Watson. Or Kerry Washington. Or Kurt Russell.

So we can look forward to a radically different Austen, with a black cast and guns and samurai swords and stuff?

Are you f*cking high. No way. Jamie and Sam are gonna white up. I’m not gonna f*ck with the material on this one. No way. The reason I hated Joe Wright’s Pride and Prejudice was cause he went too Bronte on that shit. He Bronte to f*ck out of it. I’m gonna keep it pure Austen. Witty convoluted dialogue and corsets and drawing rooms. The only thing I might change is the title. I kind of like Northanger Motherfucking Abbey Motherfucker which I think is in the spirit of Austen’s anger.  

Northanger Motherf*cking Abbey Motherf*cker will be released in 2017.


HOLLYWOOD – Actor and all round loveable guy Samuel L. Jackson, has signed up to take the lead role in David Cronenberg’s movie mash-up Super Fly.

Set between the events of The Fly (1988) and The Fly II (1989). Jackson will play the character of Luscious Jones. A pimp and coke dealer who stumbles upon the teleportation equipment abandoned by Dr Seth Brundle after his unfortunate demise. In a drug fuelled haze Jones decides to turn on the machine which results in his DNA becoming spliced with that of a common house fly.

Back on the street and feeling the heat. Luscious runs into his old foe Pepper Joe. A rival pimp who wants in on his action. They fight, Pepper wins and Joe ends up in traction. In the hospital bed he’s out cold for a week. He wakes up and say’s “Doc. Just how long did I sleep?”. The doctor say’s “Lush. You was seven days gone. Your arm is all broke and your back is all wrong. But that ain’t it all and I don’t want to lie. Your heads been replaced by the head of a fly!”

Jones looks at himself. He’s a vain kinda guy. Then he shrugs and say’s “ F*ck. I’m a good looking fly”. Then he puts on his suit and he loads up his piece. “Tell my bitches i’m coming. They shall be released!”

With a soundtrack featuring the likes of James Brown, Curtis Mayfield and One Direction. Super Fly has all the makings of being the retro sci-fi horror blaxplotation film we have all been waiting for.

Super Fly is due for release in 2013.