AUNT MAY SPIDER-MAN SPIN OFF MOVIE

HOLLYWOOD – Everyone’s favorite super-hero’s aunt Aunt May is to get her own spin off movie, Sony announced today.

The studio which owns the rights to the Marvel superhero issued a statement saying that an Aunt May trilogy is projected wit the first film coming out July, 2016.

The statement reads:

Sony are proud to announce that we are continuing to wring dry explore the Spider-Man universe with a spin off film featuring one of the most beloved superhero relatives in history, Aunt May. This character, most recently brought to life by the iconic Sally Field, will now have her own adventures, foiling Betty Stevens from across the road, baking cookies and winning the local flower competition. All of this however is merely a cover for her real work conniving in the murder of her husband’s brother so that she can steal the baby Peter Parker for herself. She is a twisted evil character, who only comes to realize the errors of her ways with the awakening of the maternal instinct. And just to shake stuff up we’re going to make her black, or Chinese.

Aunt May: The Beginning will be released in 2016.  

TOM HANKS RELEASES GUMP APP

HOLLYWOOD – Tom Hanks – star of Castaway, Saving Private Ryan and Philadelphia – is also an entrepreneur in the tech sector, developing and selling a brand new Gump App for both iPhone and Android Systems.

The beloved three time Oscar winner told Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

Jiminey Cricket but I’m excited. This App follows on from the old-fashioned typewriter app which was such a massive success for me. It’s based on the film I did with Robert Zemekis.

Polar Express?

Hell no! The one called Forrest Gump.

Can you tell us about the App?

Sure. What you do is you take any box of chocolates in the world, you pick a chocolate out of the box and then you hold it up to the camera in the phone, and the app identifies the chocolate immediately.

Wow!

Not only does it tell you if the chocolate is a caramel whirl or a strawberry truffle, it also tells you the ingredients, the country from which the chocolate came and how many people have picked it up and then put it back in the box again, for those who get finicky.

So life is…

…no longer like a box of chocolates. You will know what you’re going to get with GumpApp. God Darn it, you just thought up our advertising campaign!

The app – which is called GumpApp – is available from Google Play and the iStore. There is a free version as well as a Pro version which costs $1.49, and which takes away Sally Field’s annoying voice.

THE BURT REYNOLDS DIARIES: 2

HOLLYWOOD – The Studio Exec has laid his grubby hands on the unpublished dairies of actor and heterosexual mustachio wearer Burt Reynolds and we are going to publish and be damned.

The Burt Reynolds diaries continue:

April, 1976
Hal comes round with a script. Smokey and the Bandit. Who am I? I ask. The Bandit of course, he tells me. I tentatively agree. I should start growing my mustache and I ought to watch Viva Zapata!

26th June, 1976
My Mexican accent it eeess porfect!!! The mustache is looking chubby and I’ve been on the sun bed every day this week and then Hal comes round and says what are you doing? Didn’t you read the script? It’s got nothing to do with Mexican revolutionaries and gringos. It’s about beer smuggling!?

March, 1977
At last we begin filming and it looks like it’s going to be fun. Only problem is Jackie Gleason isn’t sticking to the script. Keeps just making stuff up. I say to Hal, ‘He’s just making that stuff up.’
‘He’s “improvising”,’ he tells me.
‘I know,’ I tell him. ‘It’s irritating me as well, that’s why I’m telling you.’

15th March, 1977 
Sally’s doing well as Frog. She said the script is shit but she’ll do it for love. I’m crazy about that gal, though she will keep talking about her dream to one day play Mrs Lincoln. Poor deluded ditz.

19th May, 1977
New York for the premiere of Smokey. Everyone seems to be happy with the film and we think we have a hit on our hands. I’m happy for Hal, who everyone thought was just a dumb lunkhead and now he’s shown them. The film’s going to open wide next week. There’s not much competition out there. Some kids film called Star War.