ELIJAH WOOD IS ‘NOT ACTUALLY TINY’

HOLLYWOOD – It was belated revealed today that actor and Hobbit Elijah Wood is actually regular adult size and not as has previously been assumed tiny the way he was in Flipper and Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring.

The revelations came during an interview with French cultural magazine Chapeau, an extract from which can be read below:

So how is it you will appear to be an adult size in Breck Eisner’s new film The Last Witch Hunter?

Well, I am normal size. I mean I’m just 5 foot five inches. I’m not a giant but yeah.

So they’ll use CGI to stretch you, or will Breck rely on ‘forced perspective’?

Neither. I mean I’ve been in a ton of films as myself, I mean as my own size. You haven’t seen Wilfred?

Non.

Maniac?

The remake?

Yes.

Non.

Grand Piano?

Non.

Well you can see me now?

I assumed you were wearing some kind of prosthetic assemblage.

You can’t honestly have thought we were all Hobbit sized.

So you’re saying Martin Freeman isn’t…

No.

Or Pippin and Merry?

No.

Or Tyrion Lannister?

Ah well. Yes, Peter Dinklage is … that’s his actual size.

Mon Dieu! Je suis confused.

 

Elijah Wood fans the world over reacted to the news with a mixture of consternation and disbelief.

Becky Hamilton from Iowa had this to say:

I think it like sucks. I mean. If you’re going to be small in one movie. You should really be small in all the movies. Otherwise I mean. What?

Jonah Painter, the current mayor of Hobbiton, said that Wood had ‘betrayed his Hobbity roots and would not be receiving a warm welcome on his return to the shire’.

Elijah Woods’ new film The Last Witch Hunter is directed by the man responsible for Sahara and will be released in 2015.

 

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY LEARNS TO READ

MEMPHIS – When Matthew McConaughey picked up the Golden Globe followed by a Best Actor Oscar nomination for The Dallas Buyer’s Club, the critical establishment opened their windows, leaned out into the night air and shouted ‘What the F*ck?’ 

Anyone following the career of the McConotron (as he prefers to be known) may well have been stumped for an explanation as to his recent run of form.

After years of pouring out ludicrous bile worthy tripe such as Sahara, Fool’s Gold, Failure to Launch, and How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days, the erstwhile crap magnet has managed to string together a slew of decent films. Killer Joe, Mud and Magic Mike all feature McConaughey – as he prefers to be known – in full Thespian flow. The secret – revealed to Studio Exec – is simple: Matthew McConaughey has learnt to read.


It makes choosing scripts much easier,’ M&Ms said recently. ‘Prior to that I’d just weigh them in my hand. Or throw them against the wall, sniff them or something. The I’d say “A-right, a-right, a-right!” and that’s that.’

Matty McC had tried to learn to read in the past, helped by co-‘star’ Kate Hudson, but was hampered by the fact that Ms. Hudson herself didn’t know how to read and was in fact ‘pretending’, guessing at the meaning of the words by the shape they made on the page. In this way she taught McConaughey that the word ‘encyclopaedic’ meant train, because ‘it kinda looks like a train, don’t she’.


McConaughey now delights in the written word, though sometimes he does revert to old methods. ‘When I got the script for The Paperboy, I didn’t have much time so I just licked a couple of pages and they tasted okay,’ the McConatron smiles ruefully. ‘I won’t be doing that again.’


Matthew Mcconaughey’s The Brothers Karamazov will be released in 2015.