HOLLYWOOD – Hot on the tails of the To Catch A Thief remake announcement, Hollywood once again proves you can’t have too much of a good thing. Paramount Studios have announced the creation of the Hitchcock Extended Universe. The next film will be a North By Northwest remake to star Ryan Reynolds and Amy Schumer. The Exec spoke with Denise Fahrtknocker, Head of PR at Paramount about the North By Northwest remake.
Denise, What Gave You The Idea To Remake Such Beloved Classics?
Money. We were sat around in our gold-lined giant hot tub in Malibu worrying that we didn’t have enough cash because it’ll be months before Tom shits out another Mission Impossible. It was then after several Martinis and lines of coke that the idea hit me. Hitchcock! We can cash in on Hitchcock.
Aren’t You Worried A North By Northwest Remake Has Little Artistic Value?
Artistic what? You talk real funny for someone who’s so fucking poor. Did you know that? Look, we don’t need artistic-whatever-the-fuck-you-said, because we got a great cast. They’re so talented and committed to the project, we think they’re going to surprise a lot of nay-sayers out there.
Who Are They?
Ryan Reynolds and Amy Schumer, that’s who. Ryan will be playing the Cary Grant role and Amy will play the Eva Marie Saint role. Sounds like dynamite, don’t it?
Who Will Play The Villains?
I’m glad you asked me that. We got Jesse Plemons in the Martin Landau role, because he’s kinda funny looking in his own way. And we got Alan Rickman playing the James Mason role. Who could be better to give us that mid-Atlantic, villainous charm? Nobody, that’s who.
But Alan Rickman Is Dead.
Yeah? Ok, fuck-it. We’ll get Gary Oldman. He’ll play any old villain as long as there’s enough green to be had. Who gives a shit.