NORTH BY NORTHWEST REMAKE GREENLIT

HOLLYWOOD – Hot on the tails of the To Catch A Thief remake announcement, Hollywood once again proves you can’t have too much of a good thing. Paramount Studios have announced the creation of the Hitchcock Extended Universe. The next film will be a North By Northwest remake to star Ryan Reynolds and Amy Schumer. The Exec spoke with Denise Fahrtknocker, Head of PR at Paramount about the North By Northwest remake.

Denise, What Gave You The Idea To Remake Such Beloved Classics?

Money. We were sat around in our gold-lined giant hot tub in Malibu worrying that we didn’t have enough cash because it’ll be months before Tom shits out another Mission Impossible. It was then after several Martinis and lines of coke that the idea hit me. Hitchcock! We can cash in on Hitchcock.

Aren’t You Worried A North By Northwest Remake Has Little Artistic Value?

Artistic what? You talk real funny for someone who’s so fucking poor. Did you know that? Look, we don’t need artistic-whatever-the-fuck-you-said, because we got a great cast. They’re so talented and committed to the project, we think they’re going to surprise a lot of nay-sayers out there.

Who Are They?

Ryan Reynolds and Amy Schumer, that’s who. Ryan will be playing the Cary Grant role and Amy will play the Eva Marie Saint role. Sounds like dynamite, don’t it?

Who Will Play The Villains?

I’m glad you asked me that. We got Jesse Plemons in the Martin Landau role, because he’s kinda funny looking in his own way. And we got Alan Rickman playing the James Mason role. Who could be better to give us that mid-Atlantic, villainous charm? Nobody, that’s who.

But Alan Rickman Is Dead.

Yeah? Ok, fuck-it. We’ll get Gary Oldman. He’ll play any old villain as long as there’s enough green to be had. Who gives a shit.

The North By Northwest Remake Goes Into Production Shortly

RYAN REYNOLDS IS EXHAUSTING

Hollywood – The Studio Exec can reveal an open letter signed by dozens of Hollywood’s top movie stars will be published in various trade publications stating that Ryan Reynolds is exhausting. The letter is seen as an attempt by friends and loved ones of the Canadian movie star to just ‘give it a rest every now and then’. Not only does the letter state Ryan Reynolds is exhausting to be around but his constant meta commentary and breaking of fourth walls that aren’t there in real life is growing very thin.

Ryan Reynolds Is Exhausting

The Studio Exec can reveal extracts of the heart-breaking letter; “Dear Ryan, Please know that what we say in this letter comes from a place of love and support. We don’t mean to undermine you or make you feel bad. We all want you to be happy. But you will not find happiness with constant narration of your life to an audience that simply isn’t there.”

Dick Jokes

“You are more than tiny dick jokes, large dick jokes and knowing glances to a camera that isn’t there. Please remember that Ryan Reynolds is not a part to play. He is a man, a talented and funny man that can exist and thrive outside of staged Instagram spats with Hugh Jackman.”

You’re Not Deadpool

“The continual meta-commentary was kinda fun for a while in Deadpool and most of Deadpool 2. But it’s not a blueprint for real life. Ordering food in a restaurant takes hours with all of your cheeky asides over your shoulder. Don’t make us rethink the merits of what they did with your character in Wolverine: X-Men Origins.”

You’re Hurting Others

“Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson appears to be going down the same road, having seen your schtick and thought, ‘Kerching!’ It’s only a matter of time before he starts breaking more and more fourth walls and flexing his eyebrows at us. Please Ryan, don’t let this happen.”

Red Notice, The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard and Free Guy are separate films… apparently.

INTERNATIONAL SPOILER LAW PASSED

BREAKING NEWS – International spoiler law passed unanimously by the UN will be enforceable in every nation in the world. The maximum punishment will be not only be death but also online cancellation.

 

International spoiler law passed and not before time

With the advent of social media, douchebags everywhere were free to post all about Keyser Soze and Bruce Willis in The Sixth Sense (nobody knows his character’s name, not even him) and boy, did they. But things really came to a head last year when media outlets started printing stories with spoilers about the upcoming Bond film, No Time To Die.

 

No Time To Spoil

With spoilers flying around the internet, Twitter collectively shat its digital pants and the UN had to step in. And so international law makers around the world began drafting the aptly titled Spoiler Bill. Details of the bill were leaked onto Twitter and Facebook, which enraged spoiler sensitive millennials everywhere.

 

Death by cancellation

The law states the crime of publishing and sharing spoilers will be punishable by death, the guilty are to be digitally cancelled. This means the guilty will have all traces of their online presence removed and it will be a crime in itself to utter or use their names on any social media platform.

 

Free Guy spoilers

Even as the bill was being passed at the UN, the Ryan Reynolds blockbuster, Free Guy fell victim of this heinous crime. The film has a brief cameo which has been spoiled by certain killjoy media outlets. The commissioning editors, writers and CEOs of the media groups involved have all been rounded up and will stand trial.

 

We’ll round them up, put ‘em in a field, and BOMB THE BASTARDS!

With the Chief UN Prosecutor, Daphne Cromwell leading the case, she had this to say about the Free Guy spoilers. “We love our international spoiler-free community and it has been abused by these people. And because we will not go quietly into the night, these people will pay with their actual and digital lives. Once we catch these criminals they will be de-rezzed. End of line.”

 

KEVIN SPACEY IS KEYSER SOZE, BRUCE WILLIS IS A GHOST AND TONY STARK DIES. DEAL WITH IT.

AMAZON TO MAKE KRULL TV SHOW

HOLLYWOOD – Amazon signs on to make a TV show based on 80s fantasy movie Krull.

Following on from the news of a Lord of the Rings TV show, Amazon have announced that it will also start shooting a TV remake of Krull. The 1983 British fantasy film is a cult classic that has long demanded a remake. Initially, Edgar Wright looked set to remake the film but as with Ant-Man and the musical of 10 Rillington Place, the project came to nothing. A statement from Jeff Bezos’ company stated:

We at Amazon are very proud to be involved in bringing Krull back to life. We can assure fans that the Glaive is safe in our hands.

The show looks set to be a multi-season epic, aimed at snatching the Game of Thrones audience. A $210 deal won Amazon the rights. And already rumors are rife about possible casting, with Liam Neeson and Robbie Coltrane already signed on to reprise their original roles. Voices have also mentioned Ryan Reynolds and Rosario Dawson as possible A-listers in line for respectively Colwyn and Lyssa with Dwayne the Rock Johnson in the mix as Cyclops.

For those who don’t know, Krull takes place in a time neither past nor future on the planet Krull. A young prince Colwyn is to marry Princess Lyssa from an opposing clan. The marriage will bring peace but a monstrous villain called simply the Beast kidnaps her. He has a flying mountain fortress. Colwyn must seize the Glaive – a kind of impractical throwing star – and gather a band of unlikely warriors to do battle. And rescue Princess Lyssa.

Krull will shoot in 2018.

5 THINGS WRONG WITH THE JUSTICE LEAGUE

HOLLYWOOD – The Justice League hit theaters and was immediately hailed as a masterpiece of its genre.

The New York Times called it ‘The Casablanca of Superhero movies’ and Variety said ‘Eat your heart out Christopher Nolan.’

But – as rebellious as ever – The Studio Exec is not fully convinced.

So here are our five minor problems with Zach Snyder/ Joss Whedon’s new movie:

1. It’s shit.

2. Everyone looks tired and depressed. First, Ben Affleck looks like they CGIed Ryan Reynolds head onto Dave Bautista’s body. Second, Amy Adams looks like she’s performing under duress. As if someone is just off camera with a cattle prod, blocking the exit. She looks so bored and they used a crayon to color in her hair. Then Diane Lane is too obviously happy just to get work. Finally, Gal Gadot looks confused that she can be in such a bad film after having been in such a good one. Weirdly, Henry Cavill shines.

3. The film is as visually interesting as an infomercial. As much as I hated Batman V Superman and Man of Steel, those films had a certain visual pomposity that was compelling. Here, not only is the CGI like mid-90s Star Trek, but every shot, hero entrance, etc etc looks like a rush job for a poorly funded advertising agency. Take the iconic moment towards the end where Clark Kent becomes Superman. It looked like a TV advert featuring Superman. Nothing momentous happens.

In rushing to be the Avengers, they threw out the epic with the dourness.

4. Which leads us to: the humor wasn’t funny. It’s like sitting at a wedding reception with that guy who is really funny and then someone else tries to go toe to toe with them, but they don’t have the material. Unfunny humor isn’t just not funny, it is deeply depressing. They label every joke ‘JOKE’. The Flash (Ezra Miller) is annoying. Really annoying. It is like they took Zach Snyder’s sense of humor and mixed it with Joss Whedon’s visual flair. And that line is funnier than anything in the movie.

5. The Avengers. Anything DC does feels like catch up. And that’s a pity. Aquaman sounds like Thor, Superman like Captain America, Batman like Tony Stark, Flash like Peter Parker. The getting the team together to beat a CGI thing with the blue light from the sky and the cubes… whatever. Do we really want anymore universes? What was a neat idea ten years ago is beginning to look lazy bloated franchise think. Isn’t it time to finally give up?

 For more FACTS click here.

CANNONBALL RUN TO BE REMADE BECAUSE SOMEONE ON TWITTER SUGGESTED IT

HOLLYWOOD – Cannonball Run will be remade following a question on twitter.

Someone on Twitter today wondered if there was a remake of Cannonball Run on the cards and within minutes the idea was green lit. The Studio Exec was casually trolling through Twitter looking for more reasons to hate himself and his country when he came across the following tweet. 

No sooner had he read it than he was on a conference call with Burt Reynolds and the Dom Deluise estate. Rights secured, it was a matter of seconds before the talents of Ryan Reynolds and Kevin James were enlisted and the matter placed in the safe hands of director Michael Haneke.

The Cannonball Run will be released in 2018.

BELA TARR SIGNS ON FOR DEADPOOL 2

BUDAPEST – Bela Tarr has signed on for Deadpool 2 after the original director Tim Miller bowed out because he was tired.

Distinguished Hungarian film director Bela Tarr will direct iconoclastic superhero movie Deadpool 2. He met with Studio Exec to talk EXCLUSIVELY about the film and his plans.

He met with Studio Exec to talk EXCLUSIVELY about the film and his plans. We asked how the director of the Werkmeister Harmonies, Satantango and The Turin Horse ended up directing the follow-up to the hit of the year, Deadpool:

They asked me if I wanted to direct Deadpool. I said yes. It starts with the word dead. I liked that.

Will you be maintaining Deadpool’s irreverent tone and humor? 

No.

Erm. Are you a fan of the comic books?

Comic books? Comic books are for children. Do I look like a child to you?

No. I suppose, just that Deadpool is based on a comic book. So I thought… How are you going to handle the action sequences? You haven’t really had much experience of action sequences.

No action sequences. Just long shots of Deadpool. He takes a horse to a well. But there’s no water in the well. The horse dies. Then Deadpool dies. The end. Three hours, twenty-five minutes.

Deadpool 2: Deadpool and the Dead Horse will be released in 2018.

 

PEE-WEE’S BIG HOLIDAY TO BE A HARD R

HOLLYWOOD – Pee-wee Herman’s new film Pee-wees Big Holiday will be rated ‘hard R’ following the success of Deadpool.

The new Pee-wee Herman film Pee-wee’s Big Holiday will be released in a hard R cut in an attempt to follow up the success of Ryan Reynold’s Deadpool. An executive for Netflix told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

Pee-wee has always been one of those characters who appeals to kids but also has a very adult and savvy sense of humor so it’s actually quite easy to turn it into a more adult orientated comedy. And when we told Paul he actually seemed very relaxed about the concept. I mean he was into it, really.

How does this link to Deadpool?

I’m not sure it does except that Pee-wee is kind of a superhero and there’s obviously the comedy aspect. Actually even the idea of it being hard R doesn’t mean much, what with this being a Netflix show, but still the point is we’re trying. And if voices in the industry are anything to go by I have the feeling that we’re going to be seeing a slew of hard R rated films for no other reason than money.

Pee-wee’s Big Sex Holiday will be released later this year.

RYAN REYNOLDS RULES OUT DEADPOOL 2

HOLLYWOOD – Ryan Reynolds has today announced that there will not be a Deadpool 2, despite a stunning box office performance by the wise-cracking R-rated superhero last week.

‘No Deadpool 2,’ Ryan Reynolds pronounced clearly on Monday evening to a tired but lucid Studio Exec in the Studio Exec penthouse of the Beverly Wilshire Hotel. No doubt fans will be baffled by this move but Reynolds seemed resolute and gave his reasoning in a way that made it seem that he had thought this out clearly.

What do people like about Deadpool? They like that it is refreshing and R-rated and original. Above all original. No one has done this kind of irreverent take on the superhero genre since Kick-Ass and Kick-Ass 2. There was Super as well, which was brilliant though not many people went to see it. And that one with Woody Harrelson which was pretty much the same idea. I mean if you think about it Guardians of the Galaxy and the first Avengers movie are essentially comedies disguised as Marvel movies. But none of that matters, what I was saying is no one has ever seen anything like Deadpool before. So there’s that. That is the thing that is so good about the film. So what am I going to do? Deadpool 2? NO! That would be BS. And everyone would see it for the chicken shit move it would be. We’re going to keep Deadpool as a unique and wonderful experience. We’re going to respect the integrity of the piece, instead of trying to milk it for dirty dollars, as the quality almost inevitably goes down.

Wow! That’s quite a…

Act of heroic artistic vision? Yes, I know. And I’m not going to pretend it’s going to be easy. I’m sure the studios will be trying to put a lot of pressure on me and the director but we’re solid. This is our decision. I’m only sorry that Stephen Lang is going to be disappointed. He’s a great actor and I’d have loved to have worked with him. Maybe we’ll find something else.

But this is also a sacrifice for you personally. I mean Deadpool is your breakout success. You should really think about doing something else with it.

Don’t worry about old Ryan Reynolds. He’s like a cat. And I don’t mean I can lick my own asshole. I mean I land on my feet all the time. Look at that time you said my eyes were too close together. Did I crumble? No. I went to Mexico and had illegal corrective surgery. As long as Nicolas Sparks is writing novels, I’ll be okay. Who knows? We might even do that Green Lantern sequel everyone has been begging me for.

Deadpool 2 will not be released in 2017.

JOSH TRANK SIGNS ON TO DIRECT GREEN LANTERN 2

HOLLYWOOD – Following the remarkable success of Fox’s Fantastic Four, talented wunderkind Josh Trank has been signed on to direct Green Lantern 2.

The 2011 DC Comic film Green Lantern starred Ryan Reynolds and was directed by Martin Campbell, receiving universal critical acclaim and becoming a box office smash. Talk of a sequel began immediately, but partly because of Ryan Reynolds having scheduling issues and partly due to script issues the sequel seemed to be in an endless delay.

A Warner Bros insider spoke to Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

The problem with the Green Lantern was that the original was so good everyone was intimidated. Martin wasn’t interested in coming back. As far as he was concerned, he’d hit a home run so why try again and risk only spoiling his record. Ryan has gone on to Deadpool off the back of his iconic success in the film. But when we all watched the new Fantastic Four we realized that at last here was a director who could do justice to this amazing character.

But surely everyone is saying that Fantastic Four is a disaster?

A disaster. It’s the Fantastic Four for crying out loud. Okay, we all have doubts about this kind of move. When we first saw Chronicle, we thought this guy is out there. Totally not a fit for Green Lantern. But when we saw Fantastic Four it was like someone turned on the lights. Yes. This is it. This is the Green Lantern 2 director.

Ryan Reynolds is unconfirmed as yet in the title role but rumors are that he will be on board.

Green Lantern 2 will be released in 2020.

DEADPOOL REMAKE WON’T FEATURE CLINT EASTWOOD CAMEO

HOLLYWOOD – Clint Eastwood today denied that he will be taking part in the remake of his 1988 film The Dead Pool, which has been re-titled Deadpool.

The news comes amidst months of online speculation that the veteran actor would make a sizable cameo in the new Deadpool, which stars Ryan Reynolds in the role of Inspector ‘Dirty’ Harry Callahan.

The 85 year old actor told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

I didn’t even know they were remaking that film. Deadpool you say? Strange. Of all the Dirty Harry films, that’s probably the weakest. I thought they would have been better off remaking the first Dirty Harry, or perhaps Magnum Force. What with all the police shootings and everything Magnum Force would be topical.

The original The Dead Pool featured Eastwood as Callahan and Inspector Quan investigating a series of murders based on horror director Liam Neeson’s Dead Pool, a betting list of who is going to die next. One of the victims includes a first big screen outing for ‘comedian’ Jim Carrey.

We spoke with star of the new film Ryan Reynolds about taking on one of the most iconic roles in American cinema.

I’m very happy to be a part of this. Deadpool is a great character and a real departure from the kind of comic book movie we’ve been seeing recently.

Will you be saying any of Callahan’s most famous lines? 

I’m sorry, Callahan? I don’t understand.

You know ‘Go ahead punk, make my day’ or ‘Do you feel lucky punk? Do you?’

Oh wait are you talking about Dirty Harry? No that’s totally different. I’m playing a Marvel comic book hero called Deadpool. It’s nothing to do with the 1988 Dirty Harry movie, the fifth installment I believe in the film series.

Will you be remaking other Dirty Harry movies in the near future?

No but it isn’t Dirty Harry. It’s a … Okay, yeah. We’re remaking Sudden Impact next.

Excellent. 

But we’re calling it Suddenimpact.

Deadpool will be released in 2016.

FANTASTIC FOUR WILL BE NC-17

HOLLYWOOD – Following the announcement that Ryan Reynold’s Deadpool will be R rated, the news came that the Fantastic Four reboot will be NC-17 in what is being viewed as ‘a rating war.’

We all know that comic movies aren’t just for kids and with films such as The Dark Knight Rises and Kick Ass pushing the boundaries and striving for adult audiences, it seems that the new trend is to get darker, more violent and less kid friendly. Earlier this week Ryan Reynolds announced that the long-awaited Deadpool would be an R  rather than the much feared, tame, bloodless and fully clothed PG-13. The New Josh Trank remake of The Fantastic Four has gone one more, forcing the MPAA to award it an NC-17 certificate for what it calls ‘constant cunnilingus’.

Starring Miles Teller, Michael B. Jordan, Jamie Bell and Kate Mara, the new Fantastic Four is an origin story of four young scientist who become a Marvel superhero team following being hit by an awful version of the same film in 2005 and again in 2007. In an attempt to stoke some interest, the team decided early on to put in as much violence and sex as they could. An insider told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

At first we were nervous about the certificate we might get. this is after all a tent pole style film, but after a certain point in filming we just decided to go for it. We actually started to add blood and gore where none was. And once we knew that Deadpool had already got the R rated we knew we’d really need to get pull out the stops and one thing we know that the MPAA can’t stand is the oral pleasuring of females. So the new film is ram packed with endless scenes of said act. I mean it’s wall to wall. Utterly unnecessary.

The Fantastic Four will be released briefly.  

CHRISTOPHER NOLAN ANNOUNCES NEW PROJECT: JENGA

LONDON – Christopher Nolan has chosen his follow up to the Dark Knight Rises: Jenga: the Motion Picture.

Nolan announced his decision in a written statement on beautiful velvety paper (lightly lemon scented) which read:

Ciao world!

I have decided after much consideration to follow up my wonderful Interstellar with a film which will be even more epic and even more personal. It is to be entitled Jenga and before you ask, oh, just like the wooden block puzzle game!? I shall say, exactly like that. In fact, it is identical to it. The film will be scripted by my brother Jonathan and scored by my sisters, Denise, Linda, Coleen and Bernadette with help of Hans Zimmer’s booming trombones.

The story is simplicity itself. A series of interlocking wooden realities are poised to achieve great altitude but the oblong necessities of life pattern require the extraction of rectangular solidity with a fluid and speedy motion, obtaining to the balance of the whole and allowing the sum of the parts to remain the same even as each of those parts in terms of truth value shifts defiantly along a vertical to  table axis. It is a story about balance, architecture, restraint and Michael Caine crying.

I have assembled the most wooden cast I could find, including Jude Law, Ryan Reynolds and Chris Pine, though the latter is purely for punning purposes. Orlando Bloom is also in talks with us.

I know that some will be disappointed by my decision, having kindly compared me to Stanley Kubrick and perhaps expecting me to take on a subject that is deeper, but I should remind such folk that I am a massive genius with a popular touch; a marvelous director, who can take the juvenile stupidity of Batman and create the high art of a Wagnerian opera cycle. I am committed to rendering the popular ephemera of life magical by cinematic art.

Plus Hasbro are going to pay sickeningly large amounts of money.

Signed

Christopher Nolan

Jenga: The Movie is due for release in 2016.

RYAN REYNOLDS’ EYES ARE ‘TOO CLOSE TOGETHER’

HOLLYWOOD – Today it was revealed that Canadian heart throb and RIPD star Ryan Reynolds had eyes that were ‘too close together’. 

Prof. Paul Gattis – a scientist from NASA – said that it looked as if ‘someone had surgically transplanted a fourteen year old’s face onto the head of a thirty something man. Like in that John Travolta movie. You know the one!’

For years the Green Hornet   Lantern star has been plagued by criticism that his ocular proximity impeded any enjoyment a viewer might take in his films, whereas other’s claimed that it actually served to distract people from the lack of talent when it came to something as basic as line reading. However, the confirmation that Ryan Reynolds’ eyes are too close together will lend weight to other criticisms that ‘he looks funny’ and is ‘creepy.’

However, many leaped to Mr. Ryans’ defence. Milly Arscnit reminded everyone that:

Ryan Reynolds is the best actor Vancouver has ever produced in 1976 who appeared in The Green Hornet.

You mean Lantern.

Whatever.

The Voices will be released in 2014.