CHALAMET HAS NO ANUS

Hollywood – In a world exclusive, The Exec can reveal that star of Dune, Timothee Chalamet has no anus. The star of recent popular hits such as Denis Villeneuve’s Dune and Wes Anderson’s The French Dispatch, Timothee Chalamet has no anus. The Exec caught up with Chalamet as he publicised his latest movie, Dune.

 


Timothee, Thank You For Taking time Out Of Your Busy Schedule To Speak With Us.

I’ve always got time for The Studio Exec. You guys are so cool. I tell all my buddies about you. When we’re chillin’ over brewskis and pizza, playing Fortnite or COD, I tell them about you. I say to them, ‘there’s these cool guys called The Studio Exec. They’re not just out for exclusive dirt dishing. They care about me. They’re true friends.’ And when the others go to the toilet, I just plug in and recharge.

Thanks Man. That’s Really Coo- I’m Sorry, What Was That?

Whenever I’m hanging out and chillin’ with my crew, I always-

No. Not That Bit. That Last Bit You Said, About Plugging In?

Oh, right, yeah. As I don’t go to the toilet, I use the time to just plug in my power pack and recharge my energy unit.

You Don’t Go To The Toilet?

That’s correct, I don’t. My manager, Mr Geppetto said it would better for me this way. So he had my anus and lower intestine removed. I don’t poop. He said it’s because it will make me more attractive if nobody ever sees me having to poop. I do wee-wees and everything. But none of the dirty. I get my energy from clean, renewable resources. So, I’m 100% carbon neutral. On a good day, I can be a little carbon positive, which makes up for all the private jets I charter.

Can I Take A Look Please?

Yeah sure, it’s now just all smoothed over down there at the back. I’m kinda like Ken from Barbie, but around the back. That’s why I was so disappointed they gave the gig to Ryan Gosling in the new movie. Talk about non-anus prejudice. Those mother fuckers.

I Really Need To See This

(REDACTED).

Timothee Chalamet Is Currently Appearing In Denis Villeneuve’s Dune and Wes Anderson’s The French Dispatch.

SEAN PENN TO STAR IN AUF WIEDERSEHEN PET MOVIE

HOLLYWOOD – Oscar winner Sean Penn to star in Auf Wiedersehen Pet movie.

Cult British 80s TV show Auf Wiedersehen Pet is getting a Hollywood makeover via actor director Sean Penn. Penn has been working on the project for fifteen years. He talked EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec about his work on the dream project:

I was working with Clint Eastwood on Mystic River and between takes I’d go into my trailer and watch stuff on tape and he came in and saw I was watching old episodes of Auf Wiedersehen Pet and was like ‘Wow! You like Auf Wiedersehen Pet too?’ And we really bonded. I mean, we’re quite different people but here was a language we could both respond to.

 

auf wiedersehen pet

 

The show follows a group of building workers who travel to then West Germany to work on a construction site. We asked Sean how he would change the setup.

I’m keeping it exactly as it is. Clint actually already had a script written and he wanted to play Bomber with Benicio del Toro as Barry. He thought I should play Oz. Now, that to me was like a dream come true. Jimmy Nail played Oz in the original series. He was the guy who really changed me. I went from being a guy who does movies into a serious movie actor. But in the end we all had other commitments so it was put off and now Clint thinks he’s too old to play Bomber. So we’ve got Dwayne the Rock Johnson. Michael Cera is playing Kevin, Ryan Gosling is on for Wayne. Quentin Tarantino is coming in to play Dennis, the leader of the group.

Tarantino likes the show too?

He’s actually written a book about it. It’s amazing. We all loved having him around when we were rehearsing because he knew the lore. I’m just lucky he didn’t take it away from me. But he is keen on doing his Geordie accent.

Is it as good as his Australian one?

Man, that’s a high bar. I’m not sure. Maybe. He disappears into the character. It’s so much fun watching him work and directing him of course.

Auf Wiedersehen Pet is coming soon.

BLADE RUNNER 2049 ONLY MAKES $210 AT THE BOX OFFICE

HOLLYWOOD – Denis Villeneuve’s Blade Runner 2049 had a disappointing opening week.

Blade Runner 2049 has flopped at the box office, only taking a measly $210 according to reports.

Harrison Ford star of the film said:

It’s complete shit. You go into a store with $210 dollars, you come out with one shoe.

The disastrous opening came as a surprise as the film boasts two bankable stars, wonderful critical reception and is the sequel of a film largely consider a cornerstone of science fiction cinema. Ryan Gosling contended the news was not all bad:

I know some shoe shops where you can get a decent pair of shoes for $210. Like slip-ons or espadrilles. Obviously not suede ankle boots. Harrison is probably thinking of suede ankle boots. You’d need more money for those.

We asked Denis Villeneuve about the film’s performance.

Obviously I’m disappointed. On the one hand we wanted to make a film in a certain way and I think we made that film. So in that sense I’m glad. But in another, I had my eye on these really nice suede ankle boots and I guess I’m not going to be able to get those now. Until the Dune money comes in at least.

Blade Runner 2049 is still in theaters.

EDIBLE BURT REYNOLDS GO ON SALE

HOLLYWOOD – Edible Burt Reynolds is the tasty healthy snack that you can eat between meals without ruining your appetite.

If anything you’ll be hungrier than ever. Available from all good food stores, Edible Burt Reynolds are a delicious alternative to all those tasteless Gwyneth Paltrows and bland Eddie Redmaynes you’ve been eating. Made of the finest ingredients. Hand picked by underpaid and exploited immigrants. Mixed and prepared by overpaid and morally ambiguous food technicians and endorsed by celebrity chefs like Jamie Oliver and Gordon Ramsey who only read the part of their contract with numbers in them.

Edible Burt Reynolds is perfect for the businessman in a hurry. The student in the library or the squash player covered in a sheen of well earned body juice. Whether you’re a black lady digging up holes in roads or old Asian grandmothers popping balloons at children’s parties, get Burt Reynolds into the front of your face beneath your nose and feel your whole body pull him into your digestive tract with a burpy sigh of gratitude.

And can be perfectly accompanied by Ryan Gosling’s own Vegetables.

Edible Burt Reynolds.

When Hunger calls, Burt answers! 

HARRISON FORD’S COSTUME IN BLADE RUNNER 2049 COST $26

HOLLYWOOD – Harrison Ford’s costume for Blade Runner 2049 only cost $26 before tax.

Rick Deckard is back in Denis Villeneuve’s Blade Runner 2049 and he’s blade running for his life. The trailer hit the internet yesterday and left so much to unpack. But the take home for many was Harrison’ Ford’s costume. We spoke with the Mosquito Coast actor EXCLUSIVELY about his costume choices:

The costume people come round to my house. They’ve spent weeks going over and over with these designs and sketches. I talked to Ryan and he’s taking this shit way to seriously. He’s worried he’ll have a cold chin so he gets them to make this high collar. You know, to protect his chin. Do you know that Gosling means baby goose?

Yes, I guess…

Makes you think. Huh. My surname means ‘American car’.

Your costume…?

Well, then they say ‘How about you Mr Ford?’ and I say ‘I’m wearing my costume right now’. They looked confused. I was just wearing a t-shirt. They started trotting out these space trousers, but I told them to fuck off. This shirt cost me $26.

That’s great.

For a pack of three.

Blade Runner 2049 will be released in October.

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT RYAN GOSLING

HOLLYWOOD – La La Land’s Ryan Gosling is an extraordinary actor but what do we really know about him?

We sent the Studio Exec FACT squad out to Los Angeles to find out about Ryan Gosling: the man Hollywood calls ‘the little goose’.

1. First, Ryan Gosling is named after a little goose.

2. The Drive actor is a believer in the macrobiotic diet, which means he only believes in eating really big robotic things. Like those robots that make cars. I think.

3. To prepare for his role as driver in Drive, Ryan Gosling drove.

4. La La Land was originally known as La La La Land, until Ryan insisted they drop a La.

5. In 2014, Gosling launched his own brand of vegetables called Ryan’s Vegetables.

For more FACTS on everything from this to that click HERE! 

RYAN GOLSING EXPLAINS BLADE RUNNER 2049 FIRST IMAGES

HOLLYWOOD – The first images from Blade Runner 2049 show Ryan Gosling looking like Harrison Ford.

Ryan Gosling just came round to the Studio Exec bungalow to give an EXCLUSIVE insight into the Blade Runner 2049 images.

So hey. This is basically me. I play this guy who basically worship Harrison Ford’s character Rick Deckard. He’s this legendary Blade Runner and I want to be just like him. So I got to this coat shop, where they sell these long coats and I say can I have one like this. And I show them this picture of Deckard wearing the coat. And they say sure. I say it’s a little different but okay. Then I go and get a hair cut.

A hair cut?

And I show them the photograph and I say…

I want a hair cut like Rick Deckard. 

Hey, have you read the script?

No. I was just… go on.

Then I go and meet Rick Deckard. And he has a piano.

We see that in the trailer.

Right. But now I can play the piano, because of La La Land so we start a jazz combo. We call ourselves Zinc Omelette and become famous.

You’re not Ryan Gosling.

I have seen things you people wouldn’t believe.

Blade Runner 2049 will open the Venice Film Festival in 2017.

LA LA LAND – REVIEW

VENICE – Damien Chazell’s follow up to Whiplash is like the interesting B-Side to all the Hollywood musicals you know and love.

La La Land stars Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling as a pair of starry eyed dreamers who must negotiate a path to success and fame while stay true to themselves and, as romance develops, each other. It’s about… wait a minute. The way I saw it at the festival I knew nothing about it and that added to it. The surprise and the joy are great. So I’m not going to give you the story or any of that crap. All I’m going to do is point you in the direction. It’s funny and smart and moving. Chazelle knows how to put music and images together and this makes the usual off the rack Broadway adaptation look like just that. It has the wow of a Stanley Donen film but the emotional complexity and wit of middle period Woody Allen. Romance is alive and well and living at the movies.

For more Reviews, Click Here.

5 FACTS WE KNOW ABOUT BLADE RUNNER 2049

HOLLYWOOD – The Studio Exec sends in the FACT squad to run the Voight-Kampff test on the new Blade Runner 2049.

Denis Villeneuve’s follow up to Ridley Scott’s sci-fi classic Blade Runner 2049 has been shrouded in mystery but the Studio Exec FACT squad has been on the job – though one of them got fried running through an electric field. So here are the 5 FACTS they uncovered.

One. The whole of Blade Runner 2049 takes place at eleven minutes to nine PM.

Two. Following his success in LaLa Land, Ryan Gosling will sing the theme song ‘Tears in Rain’ over the opening titles as well as the song ‘Is this to test whether I’m a Replicant (or a lesbian)?’ also known as Blade Runner Love Theme.

Three. The cast for Blade Runner 2049 includes Harrison Ford from the original, as well as Jared Leto, David Letterman, Jack Black, Will Ferrell, Ellen DeGeneres, Mark Wahlberg, Dwayne ‘the Rock’ Johnson and Melissa McCarthy.

Four. Although not directing the film, Ridley Scott has been part of the creative team though scriptwriter Hampton Fancher has said that his contribution consisted solely of demanding ‘a shit load of unicorns.’ This demand has been fully satisfied. Hampton told the Exec: ‘You’ve never seen this many unicorns on film at the same time.’

Five. Whereas in the original there was an ambiguity as to which character was a replicant, in the new film the Canadian director Denis Villeneuve has insisted that there will be a more radical ambiguity. ‘We will suggest that not only are ALL the characters replicants, but also the audience and the filmmakers. Everybody and everything is artificial. Philip K. Dick, I feel would have approved.’

For more FACTs CLICK HERE.

BLADE RUNNER 2 ‘NOT A MUSICAL’, SAYS RYAN GOSLING

HOLLYWOOD – LaLa Land star Ryan Gosling insists that Blade Runner 2 will not be a musical.

He sings and dances up a storm in LaLa Land but Ryan Gosling stated explicitly today that the new Blade Runner 2 movie will not be a sequel.

Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, Gosling said:

It’s crazy. You do one musical and suddenly everyone thinks that’s all you can do. I spoke for a long time with Denis Villeneuve, our director, and we both agreed that the tone of Blade Runner 2 had to be consistent with the original film. And that kind of precludes big song and dance numbers.

So no songs at all then?

I didn’t say that. There won’t be a big choreographed musical scene but I can hold a tune so we do have one or two songs throughout the film. For instance, I’m singing the theme song Blade Running through Tears in Rain.

Blade Runner 2 will be released in 2018.

RYAN GOSLING TO STAR IN LEISURE SUIT LARRY

HOLLYWOOD – Fresh from the news that Daisy Ridley is a contender to play Lara Croft in a reboot of the Tomb Raider franchise, Ryan Gosling has announced he is to take on the coveted role of Leisure Suit Larry in Kevin Smith’s adaptation of the classic computer game.

The Studio Exec sat down with Gosling to discuss the long-awaited picture:

Ryan, how did you get involved?

Kevin and I have been discussing the project for years. Way back when we tried to get an adaptation of Jet Set Willy off the ground but at the time, Scorsese owned the rights and he’d pegged Daniel-Day-Lewis to play Willy. We looked at some other options, Space Harrier, Chase HQ, but eventually we decided that Leisure Suit Larry was the way to go.

How much input did you have in the script?

There was already a script. William Goldman had written one back in 1988 and Paul Verhoeven was due to direct with Michael Douglas in the lead role but they had funding problems. So Kevin and I took the bones of the script and put our own stamp on it. To be fair, Kevin did most of the writing I just threw in a few ideas.

What drew you to the character of Larry?

He’s a loveable rogue. Sure he gambles, drinks and sleeps with hookers but he’s got a heart of gold. He’s just looking for love but in all the wrong places. I based him on an ageing Leonardo DiCaprio but of course, Leo doesn’t need to pay for hookers , he dates models.

How have you prepared for the role?

I just went to Las Vegas for two months and did all the things a responsible adult with any sense of self-worth wouldn’t do, like, going to see Britney Spears’ live show, for example.

What have you got lined up next?

If Larry does well Kevin and I have talked about making an adaptation of Treasure Island Dizzy.

Amazing. Why Dizzy?

It’s just a classic and since I was a kid I’ve always wondered what it would be like to be an egg.

Leisure Suit Larry is due in 2018.

ADAM MCKAY PROMISES PROFITS OF BIG SHORT TO CHARITY

HOLLYWOOD – In a move that has shocked and delighted Hollywood Adam McKay director of financial comedy The Big Short has promised that all profits of the movie will go to charity.

New comedy The Big Short starring Steve Carrell, Christian Bale, Ryan Gosling and Brad Pitt has a lot of fun with the financial crisis but director Adam McKay has decided to put something back:

It’s very simple. Thousands of people lost their homes as a result of the chicanery that we are portraying. It is great that people will know more about it because of our movie but the important thing is that satire and laughter lines cannot put a roof over people’s heads. So we’ll be taking every penny we make from The Big Short and giving it to the people who suffered from the financial crisis. Those who had their homes foreclosed. Those who lost their jobs.

That’s amazing.

I know. Brad, Steve and Ryan are joining suit. But it isn’t the first time we did this. When we made The Other Guys which is my answer to Serpico we used the profits to fund an organisation that investigates police corruption. When we made Anchorman 2 the only reason we did that is so that we could raise funds to build a home in new Mexico for unemployed men with mustaches.

Wait, is this a joke?

And when we made Step Brothers we used the money that Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly donated to buy Africa and fill it with food.

This is bullshit Adam. So you didn’t give the money to charity? 

Are you kidding? I’m taking all the money I make and I’m giving it to my fund manager. This economy is going to crash and burn and I’m set to profit twice over. First with the shorts I’m paying for now and second with The Big Short 2: You F*cking Idiots.

The Big Short 2: You F*cking Idiots will be out shortly.

RYAN GOSLING’S BLADE RUNNER 2 ROLE REVEALED

HOLLYWOOD – The news that Ryan Gosling is to star in Denis Villeneuve’s Blade Runner 2 rocked the internet this week, but only the Studio Exec can reveal via a leaked email the details of Gosling’s role.

The following email was sent from Denis Villeneuve to Ryan Gosling cc-ing Ridley Scott and (accidentally)  me.

SUBJECT: Blade Runner 2?

From: Denis Villeneuve

To: Ryan Gosling

Hey Ryan,

First of all congratulations on Gangster Squad! What a film! It was like LA Confidential but without the tiresome need to think, or follow the story, or be particularly interested. And you made some brave choices. That squeaky high pitched voice you put on. At first I was ‘What the f*ck?’ then I thought ‘no. It’s brilliant.’ I can’t tell you why it was brilliant but it reminded me of Elisha Cook. OK. Enough ass kissing, right? Blade Runner 2. Larry said I should fill you in more before you make your final decision. I think the money business is all clear. Your request to be paid in macrobiotic restaurants is fine but health and safety tell me the Mariachi band you requested in your trailer for the whole of the shoot might be a problem. I’m sure we can resolve it but there are some laws about human slavery that we might be infringing. But to the story that Harrison Ford has called ‘the best screenplay he’s ever read’.

The year is 2056. Los Angeles. Timmy Deckard is a young Blade Runner, a maverick who doesn’t play by the rules but gets results. (We wrote it the other way round at first, but although original it just didn’t make much sense.)  He gets a hard job. There’s an old renegade replicant living in the wastelands (West Hollywood as we now call it).This guy is building an army of escaped replicants and is planning on wiping out the Blade Runners and taking over the running of the city. Timmy has to hunt him down and retire him. But when he finds him, guess what? The old replicant turns out to be Rick Deckard, Timmy’s long lost father! Captured by the replicant army, Timmy’s dad tells him that Timmy was conceived when he and Rachel ran away. They were fugitive for years with their little replicant/human baby. But in a twist it turns out that Rachel wasn’t a replicant after all. She was just very emotional distant because she was played by Sean Young. Rick was the replicant. So she had Timmy and died soon after of plot convenience and contractual hassles. Now the hunted instead of the hunter, Timmy must decide whether to join forces with  his old man, or bury his past and finish the job.

What do you think Ryan? Screenplay is in the attachment.

Best

Denis

SUBJECT: RE: Blade Runner 2

From: Ryan Gosling

To: Denis Villeneuve

Hi Denis,

The Mariachi band is a deal breaker.

Ryan

 Blade Runner 2 will be released in 2016.

WILL RYAN GOSLING STAR IN THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW?

HOLLYWOOD – During a Q&A session for this directorial début Lost River, Ryan Gosling was asked about a recent rumor that he had signed up to play the role of the infamous Frank-N-Furter in the upcoming remake of the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

“Well, I heard that rumor too,” said a grinning Ryan Gosling:

Let’s just say that last week I spent a lot of time in stockings and suspenders and I was very comfortable. In fact I’m wearing them underneath my clothes right now.

Whether Gosling was simply teasing the audience is not yet known but a studio source has revealed that Gosling and Hugh Jackman are the only contenders for the role and both have submitted audition tapes.

“I’ve not seen Gosling’s audition tape,” said the source:

I caught a few minutes of Jackman dressed in character singing Sweet Transvestite and it was very impressive. What’s more impressive is that it was filmed in such a way that it looked like it was CCTV footage taken at an LGBT bar in the early 90s.

Daniel Day-Lewis was said to been the original choice to play the role but unfortunately he misread the script and had full gender reassignment surgery. Danielle Day-Lewis is now living in the south of France where she owns a small but profitable Pâtisserie.