HIDDEN GEMS: 9. BLADE RUNNER

Hidden Gems brings to light little known film gems which have somehow slipped through the collective cinematic consciousness. This week, Blade Runner.

Following his success as Indiana Jones and Han Solo, Harrison Ford decided to try his hand at the old hard-boiled detective genre, but with a twist – setting it in the future! The oddball result was Blade Runner, a critical and commercial disaster which famously provoked Roger Ebert to do his first review where he stuck both thumbs up his ass to signal his contempt.

Ford plays Rick Deckard, a bounty hunter tasked with finding and killing escaped Replicants who have fled the off-world colonies and have come to Los Angeles to meet their dad. However, the Replicants – led by the enigmatic Roy Batty (Rutger Hauer) – are both deadly and disconcertingly human, so much so that Deckard finds himself emotional involved with one, the femme fatale Rachel (Sean Young).

Although it’s difficult to get a copy, do try and hunt out an old VHS if you can. Ridley Scott – famous for White Squall and Someone to Watch Over Me – disowned the cinematic version and then his own director’s cut and then his own final cut, and now refuses to talk about the film, having gone on record saying that it ‘is way worse than Prometheus and Prometheus is a shit sandwich.’  The sci-fi noir is a dark compelling and occasionally violent drama. Ford has never been better, nor has Rutger Hauer, or Sean Young, or Daryl Hannah. Nor Ridley Scott. Scott seems utterly unconcerned with genre as such – this is possibly the least camp Science Fiction film available – giving the world he creates a grubby realism of flickering lights and dirty interiors as well as a grandiose dystopian breadth. With or without unicorns, voice over and happy ending, Blade Runner is a strange new world gone old; the last big budget science fiction film made exclusively for grown ups. At least its obscurity means that no one will be dumb enough to try and make a sequel.

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RUTGER HAUER’S WORLD OF AMAZING FACTS

AMSTERDAM – Greetings, Rutger Hauer here. You might remember me from such films as Blind Justice and The Salute of the Jugger.

As well as an eccentrically mannered character actor, I am also a collector of amazing facts and, in my many journeys, I think it is fair to say, I have seen things you people wouldn’t believe:

  1. More people speak Swedish in China than in Sweden. The Chinese have been learning Swedish for years, but now with the incredible popularity of Nordic noir, the Chinese chattering classes are falling over themselves to enjoy their favorite authors in the original language and because there are simply so many Chinese people in China, then whatever they do becomes the superlative that wins statistically.
  2. Tears don’t actually get lost in rain. You can trace them with a spectrometer quite easily.
  3. People who like the music of James Last give off a sour smell like a four day dead mouse. 
  4. In Switzerland private car ownership is banned and everyone has to borrow their cars from a neighboring country.
  5. The whale is the only animal in the natural world to be able to count up to seventeen.

For more FACTS CLICK HERE.

MAX VON SYDOW IS CHRISTIAN GREY IN 50 SHADES OF GREY

HOLLYWOOD  – The wait is over; the fervid rumors can cease: finally, the film makers turning E.L. James’ erotic literary masterpiece Fifty Shades of Grey have found their Charlie Hunnam replacement and lead: Max Von Sydow.

‘We thought Shia LaBeouf and Ryan Gosling at first and then we thought, maybe Robert Pattinson, but in the end we decided to go with an actor,’ says producer, Hamish McRse. ‘And name me a better actor than famed Swedish thespian Max Von Sydow.’


Von Sydow – or Jesus the Merciless as he prefers to be known – said that he was delighted to have landed the role:

I’ve read the book a number of times and it is very racy, but I’ve talked to my doctors and they say that as long as I get plenty of rest the night before I should be up for it. I will of course follow the example of the great Shia LaBeouf and insist on doing it for real.

 As yet no name has been announced for Anastasia Steele, the young student who is swept up in Christian (Sydow) sadomasochistic sex dominance games sex, although Emma Watson and Jennifer Lawrence have both been rumoured. More on this story as it breaks.

CORRECTION: in an earlier post it was mentioned that Rutger Hauer would be playing the role but that was an error and – as many of you pointed out – plainly ridiculous, he’s much too young.

50 Shades of Grey is due in cinemas sometime in 2014.

LARS VON TRIER EXPLODES

COPENHAGEN – Late last night famous Danish film maker Lars Von Trier was rushed to hospital after reportedly exploding near his home in Stockholm.

The incident occured after a party Mr. von Trier was hosting was beginning to split up and although the cause of the explosion has not yet been fully understood, the police have ruled out external causes and friends said that the Dogme director was looking increasingly swollen and ‘pent up’ in the weeks leading up to the bang. 

Rutger Hauer, who was at the party explained one theory: ‘Lars gave up doing interviews about a year and a half ago after he was declared persona non grata at Cannes following his remarks about perhaps being a Nazi. Since then he has just been swelling and swelling with all the controversial stuff he wants to say.’

The condition worsened when plans to make Nymphomaniac an explicit film about the awakening of sexuality in an old woman, played by Charlotte Gainsbourg. The cast list has been growing as the Antichrist director grabbed anyone not working on Terrence Malick’s Knight of Cups. Friends also pointed out that von Trier was furious to hear that his arch rival, enemy and nemesis, Michael Haneke, had got a plum job working wioth the Farrelly brothers (for more on which CLICK HERE). ‘That Austrian arsehole,’ Trier was reported to have blurted. ‘He gets the Kingpin guys and what do I get? Shia LaBeouf’s hairy cock!’

However, some of these theories have been discounted and Wilem Dafoe claimed a faulty fondue was probably to blame.

Mr. von Trier’s condition is doctor’s say ‘highly unstable, though thought provoking.’