RUSSIANS HAVE WEAPONIZED MATRIX RELOADED

MOSCOW – Intelligent sources accuse the Russian government of weaponizing Matrix Reloaded.

For years the second Matrix film – Matrix Reloaded – was just a bad memory but now it seems that the Russian secret service have succeeded in weaponizing the film. An NSA source spoke with the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

What has happened is in some of the darker reaches of the Russian spy agency, Matrix Reloaded has been turned into a weapon. The nerve agent is reverse engineered from the feeling the biggest Matrix fan got when sitting in the cinema for the first forty minutes of Matrix Reloaded. That feeling of excitement and enthusiasm gradually curdling into a a sense of having ashes in your mouth and a lump of mould where your heart used to be has been isolated and can now be reproduced chemically.

Jesus Christ.

I know. They’ve been trying something similar in North Korea with Attack of the Clones, but people already knew what to expect. And phantom Menace doesn’t quite work because there was always the Duel of the Fates music and the Pod Race to latch onto.

Is there a danger that the Russians might launch an attack?

There’s a very really possibility that they already did in 2017. Don’t you remember how you just felt joyless all the time?

I guess.

And for some reason couldn’t stop thinking about how Laurence Fishburne has put on a lot of weight?

Good God!

You see?

Matrix Reloaded will be buried in a vault in a deep deep mountain.

OLIVER STONE OVERDOSES ON CONSPIRACY

HOLLYWOOD – Oliver Stone rushed to hospital with a suspected overdose of conspiracy.

Filmmaker Oliver Stone was rushed to hospital last night following a suspected conspiracy overdose. Fortunately this morning he was well enough to talk to the Studio Exec via one of those voice scramblers serial killers use when they taunt the police:

Hey Exec! How’s it going?

Good. How are you Oliver?

I’ve been better. This is a dark period for me. Trump is in the White House. Hillary Clinton is in the woods. The FBI and the NSA are testifying in a hearing. The chairman of the hearing is running round to the White House to tell the President what’s going on. Thereby sabotaging his own hearing. It’s dark times indeed.

Is it as bad as when you directed Alexander?

Let’s not go over the top. It’s bad but nothing can compare to Colin Farrell in a tunic.

So what happened?

As you know I’ve been someone who has been interested in secret machinations of power all my life. Whether it’s Nixon or JFK, or producing my Secret History of the USA documentary. But this stuff is the good stuff. I’ve never mainlined something so pure before. You have Russians, Wikileaks, Roger Stone, Paul Manafort, Sean Spicer, Kellyanne Conway, Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin. And I haven’t mentioned Jeff Sessions and Michael Flynn. Or the Christopher Steele dossier or the fact that the Russians mentioned have started dropping like flies. Flies that have been shot and poisoned. Goddamn this stuff is powerful.

Are you going to make a film about it?

I’d love to, but who will believe it. I mean, we’re watching it unfold right now in front of our eyes and we don’t believe. I guess you could just watched Natural Born Killers again. That pretty much sums it all up.

What do you think is going to happen?

I don’t know. The doctors have prescribed that I watch nothing but Sesame Street for a year.

But Trump’s budget is going to cancel that.

Motherfucker!

Oliver Stone’s Secret History of the United States of America Volume Ten Trumped Up will be released in 2018.