GLADIATOR 2 WILL INCLUDE XENOMORPH

HOLLYWOOD – Ridley Scott announces Gladiator 2 will feature Xenomorph from the Alien series.

Everyone loved it when they heard that Ridley Scott is making Gladiator 2. He spoke with the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY about the new film:

Yeah, of course we’re going to bring Russell Crowe back from the dead. He’s going to play Maximus’ twin brother Randy. He’s a lot different from Maximus but he’ll train up because Rome is threatened and we must defend it.

Threatened? By what?

Aliens!

Fuck!

I know. You see one of the reasons I felt reluctant to go back to Ancient Rome is I had decided that I was only going to make  films with xenomorphs in them. Prometheus and Alien and all that. Then someone said well why can’t there be Xenomorphs in Rome and then Randy will fight them in the Colluseum? And I said, I like it! And I snapped my fingers. Which is something I only do when it’s a really good idea. Like White Squall. Or GI Jane or something.

What about Nick Cave’s script?

Yeah we wanted to use that but there was one problem.

What was it?

It was shit. The whole thing rhymed. And it would have bits saying Guitar solo and stuff like that.

Gladiator 2: Resurrection comes out in 2020.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

TIMOTHEE CHALAMET TO PLAY YOUNG NICK CAVE IN BECOMING NICK

HOLLYWOOD – Timothée Chalamet rumored to play young Nick Cave in Australian rocker’s biopic.

Call Me By Your Name and Ladybird star Timothée Chalamet is to hit our screens once more as Nick Cave in a new film tracing the origins of the Australian musician. Becoming Nick will show the antipodean punk in his formative years in his native Australia and will climax with him leaving for London where he’ll form The Birthday Party and go on to have an internationally successful career. Writer and director Andrew Dominic had this to say:

I’ve known Nick it seems all my life and I knew him way before he was the famous singer song writer we see today. And yet he nick cavewas always a massive personality and that’s what Timothée brings to the role. He’s a force of nature, the little bugger. I saw Call Me By Your Name and I just went ‘Strewth! this geezer’s a player!’

Chalamet said he was enthused by the project.

I’m a huge Nick Cave fan. I even read his awful novel.

This will be the third time that Nick Cave’s life has been the subject of a movie. William Hurt starred in The Weeping Song in 1998 directed by Werner Herzog. And in 2003 Gary Oldman played Cave in Russell Crowe’s The Water Diviner.

Young Nick comes out in 2020.

 

UNIVERSAL SAY DARK UNIVERSE WILL GO AHEAD

HOLLYWOOD – With the Dark Universe in trouble, Universal issue a statement confirming the franchise will go ahead.

The Universal franchise – ‘The Dark Universe’ – is in trouble. Creative heads Alex Kurtzman and Chris Morgan have left – Kurtzman to work on Star Trek Discovery and Morgan to wash his hair – leaving the franchise very much in doubt. The Tom Cruise vehicle The Mummy tanked at the Box Office earlier this year, leading to rumors that the whole project was in trouble. However, today a spokesperson at Universal issued the following statement EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

Although there have been some personnel changes on our creative team, The Dark Universe is to go ahead with a series of films based on iconic monsters from Universal’s cinematic legacy. However, certain changes are going to take place. First of all, The Invisible Man – starring Johnny Depp – will actually be an Invisible Film. The first kind of film ever to be shot with this 0D ground breaking technology, people won’t be able to see it anywhere.

Did you say 0D?

Yes, it’s like 3D, but you know 3 less.

Okay.

The new Frankenstein film will just be a mash up of all the other Frankenstein films. And colorized. Javier Bardem will do the narration.

Right.

Russell Crowe stars in Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde in a new definition of terror.

This sounds good. 

We’re changing the film into a musical and Crowe will be singing all the way through.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

I knew you’d like that. We’re just worried about the certificate.

Universal will release the Dark Universe on Monday.

RUSSELL CROWE TO STAR IN CROCODILE DUNDEE REMAKE

SIDNEY – Favorite Australian comedy Crocodile Dundee is to return with Russell Crowe.

‘That ain’t a remake! This is a remake!’ Crocodile Dundee might have said on hearing the news. Yes, popular Oz comedy from the 1980s is to return with Russell Crowe in the lead role made famous by Paul Hogan. Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, everyone’s favorite Gladiator had this to say:

Being Australian, Crocodile Dundee was the best thing ever. Along with Mad Max it was the image that we had managed to project to the world and so I was really stoked when the opportunity to play him came up. Of course, we want to be respectful to the original, but I also think enough time has passed for us to bring something new to the party.

How will you update it?

I really love gross out comedy. Jackass and that sort of stuff. So I want to put as much of that in the film as I can. Have Mick get off his tits on drugs and vomit on a party of nuns, that kind of stuff is hi-fucking-larious mate.

The studio synopsis reads:

A New York reporter Caroline (Anne Hathaway) goes to the outback in Australia in search of a story. Here, she comes across legendary crocodile hunter Mick Dundee (Crowe). Impressed by his exploits, she decides to take him back to New York with her, where Mick finds himself a fish out of water. Or a crocodile out of swamp!

Crocodile Dundee will be released in 2018.

RUSSELL CROWE TO PLAY STEVE BANNON

HOLLYWOOD – Russell Crowe is to play Steve Bannon in Single White Douche.

Gladiator star Russell Crowe plays former Breitbart editor in a new Michael Mann film, Single White Douche. Mann told the Studio Exec:

It was easy really. Steve’s a douche and Russell certainly has his inner douche. It’s going to be a comedy. We’re shooting in Moscow and Washington. It’s very exciting.

Russell Crowe has already begun preparations, eating a diet consisting only of KFC buckets. Not the chicken, just the buckets. Crowe told us:

I’m reading a lot of his writing as well as his influences. Ayn Rand, Neitszche, Mein Kampf. Steve is a fascinatingly complex guy. Sean Penn introduced us once. But I’m happy to say I was so drunk I don’t remember much. I’ve worked with Michael before with The Insider, so I know that his instincts are sound. He described the film to me as an Adam Sandler comedy, if Adam Sandler comedies were actually funny.

Single White Douche will be released in 2019.

JIM CARREY ADVOCATES PICKING YOUR NOSE AND EATING IT

HOLLYWOOD – Comedian and actor Jim Carrey today caused shock waves in Hollywood by advocating picking your nose and eating it as a healthy alternatives to vaccination.

A longstanding critic of vaccinations, Jim Carrey has become the latest celebrity to advocate picking your nose and eating it. Critics of vaccines have long believed in nose-picking as a healthy substitute forvaccines. The comments came in an interview the Bruce Almighty actor gave to French cultural magazine Chappeau.

Firstly, I strongly believe that we produce our own natural vaccines that can be accessed via the nostril. Secondly, eating snot boosts the immune systems and successfully prevents measles and scurvy. Of course, no one is making any money from it and so nobody wants to believe it, but the results are absolutely stunning.

Jim Carrey is only the latest celebrity to come out in favor of the new health fad. Jennifer Anniston and Russell Crowe have been eating their own boogers for years. Meg Ryan even made claims that it works as an anti-aging cure.  However, the AMA say that clinical trials have yet to conclusively prove any health benefits from excavating and chomping on your own ‘green gold’.

We have done extensive trials and, although it is delicious, there is no conclusive proof of an identifiable health benefit.

Jim Carrey will be appearing in Jewel of the Nile.

JOAQUIN PHOENIX EMPLOYS THE METHOD TO PLAY JESUS

HOLLYWOOD – Gladiator and Walk the Line star Joaquin Phoenix is to play Jesus in Garth Davis’ Mary Magdalene and he will be employed his notorious method.

He was an emperor of Ancient Rome; a country singer in Walk the Line and a burn out in I’m  Still Here, now Joaquin Phoenix will play Jesus Christ in a new film Mary Magdalene, starring Rooney Mara in the titular role.  The normally reclusive Phoenix spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

I love the idea of playing Jesus Christ. If you watch The Master you can see how interested I am in people inventing religions and Jesus Christ has to be in the top three of that game.

How will you approach the role?

Oh I’m going full method for this man. I know there are so many people out there who would be upset if I did anything less. Jesus is a very real part of millions of people’s lives and so I will give them the most authentic portrayal of Jesus ever put on the screen. I’ve already begun.

How do you mean?

Last night, I went to this party and I totally brought the wine.

Okay. 

I’ve been spending a lot of time in the desert. Not exactly forty days and forty nights, but I’m working up to it. I’ve been antagonizing the Italian community and the Jewish elders with some pretty radical online posts on my blog ‘I’m Back’.

Oh that’s you.

Yep.  I’ve got a girl who comes round to my house and gives me a whipping every week. I’m hanging out with a bunch of dudes. Casey Affleck, Russell Crowe, all those guys, twelve of them. I’ve been forgiving adulterous women left right and center. And I’m going to get myself killed and then revived after a biblical accurate interval.

Whoa! How are you going to do that?

There’s this company in Mexico.

The film’s production company See-Saw Films, which is teaming with Universal Pictures Intl.  Iain Canning and Emile Sherman are producing along with Film4, from a script by Helen Edmundson and Philippa Goslett.

Mary Magdalene will be released in 2017.

47 FILMS: 25. MASTER AND COMMANDER

HOLLYWOOD – In the latest in our series of 47 Films You Have to See Before You Are Murdered in Your Dreams, Russell Crowe and Paul Bettany star in Peter Weir’s seaworthy Patrick O’Brian adaptation Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World.

In a world where there are way too many hyphenated titles and way, way too many sequels, Peter Weir’s fantastic Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World is the one that got away. Pirates of the Caribbean will be repeated until you’re seasick but Master and Commander is the magnificent one off, a heroic broadside of a movie.

Based on two of the Patrick O’Brian novels in the long running Aubrey/Maturin series spliced together, the film tells the story of Captain ‘Lucky’ Jack Aubrey (Russell Crowe) commanding the HMS Surprise and his hunting of the phantom privateer the Acheron in the Southern Oceans. Weir plumbs his source material brilliantly, with almost every character named without necessarily being introduced and with wonderfully observed period detail, from the food to the language. On one level a perfect adventure film, the sea battles are terrifyingly authentic with most combatants killed from flying splintered wood rather than cannonballs and smoke enveloping the scene. But as well as buckling swashes, this is a subtle bromance between the bluff but bright and a tad heavy Captain and his close friend, musical partner and proto-Darwinian the ship’s doctor Stephen Maturin, played by a pitch perfect Paul Bettany.

Whether Weir was uninterested in repeating himself – he is after all the director of such diverse greats as The Truman Show, Dead Poet’s Society, Gallipoli, The Cars that Ate Paris, Witness and the sublime Picnic at Hanging Rock – or the studio was disappointed that they hadn’t got a Gladiator Goes to Sea, Master and Commander 2 never set sail. However, it would be churlish to focus on that.

Weir throughout his filmography has consistently explored closed worlds with their own rules and culture and the HMS Surprise is a perfect setting for him to explore his concerns and Crowe and Bettany give command performances in a well oiled ensemble. Master and Commander is that rarity, an action film which is clever, witty and fantastic fun.

For more of the 47 Films You Have to See Before You Are Murdered in Your Dreams Click Here.

RUSSELL CROWE TO STAR IN NEW BILLY JOEL MUSICAL

NEW JERSEY – Rob Marshall is to direct a forthcoming musical rock opera featuring Russell Crowe as the legendary singer-songwriter Billy Joel.

We didn’t Start the Fire tells the story of a trio of dishonest pyromaniacs, and will feature performances from Hugh Jackman, Russell Crowe and Danny DeVito.

Crowe’s character, Billy Pole, plays piano at a joint where people ‘sit at the bar and put money in the jar and say man what are you doing here?’ but he just goes ‘lar-didi-dar-didi-dar’.

His pyro buddy Minko (played by Jackman) falls in love with Rachel Weiz’s fire chief and they duet on ‘Don’t Go Changing (to Try and Please Me)’. Meanwhile, DeVito provides comic relief as Hardy Har-Har, the insurance salesman who seeks to profit by his and his friend’s proclivities, while advising Minko to ‘Tell Her About It’ and proclaiming to police detective Ruce Stinksteen (Adrien Brody) that he is ‘An Innocent Man’.

Russell Crowe spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

It was great finally meeting Billy. He’s been a hero of mine ever since An Innocent Man. Boy that was a great album. We had him in at every stage of production. We sent him the first script and he said ‘Don’t go changing, to try and please me’, sang it actually, then we showed him the dailies and he sang it again and then at one of the first previews. At that point it was getting a little bit old.

Commenting on the film, DeVito said:

It’s f*cking awful but I need the money and my life is going to shit anyway.

We didn’t Start the Fire will be released in 2017. 

JAMES CAMERON TO DIRECT GLADIATOR SEQUEL

HOLLYWOOD – Once more James Cameron is to take over the reins of a Ridley Scott film as he prepares to shoot the Gladiator sequel.

Following close on the news that James Cameron is to direct the sequel of Prometheus came the revelation that he is also prepping a sequel to the Russell Crowe sword and sandal epic Gladiator. Gladiators will be set ten years after the events of the first film. The official synopsis reads:

Maximus Decimus Meridius is dead but not forgotten. The people of Rome have elevated him to the status of a demi-God and a symbol of freedom. Lucilla mourns her dead lover and her son, the new emperor, Lucius Verus, now known as Optimus, believes he is the model of manhood. When Rome is threatened by an invasion of Vandals and Goths from the North, Emperor Optimus with the help of the High Priest of the Temple and necromancer decide to raise Maximus from the dead to lead their armies. Unfortunately, they are too late and the Barbarians are already at the gates of Rome. Killed halfway through the ceremony, the priest manages to complete the incantation and as the invaders celebrate their victory a hoard of Maximuses are brought to life. Will they be able to free Rome and free the  imprisoned Lucilla and Emperor Optimus or are they doomed to fight in the Coliseum for the entertainment of Rome’s new Masters?

James Cameron popped into the Studio Exec bungalow to talk about his new film.

I’m looking forward to it. I am putting Avatar on hold to do this and Prometheuses but I believe both films will extend much loved universes and I am confident, following my success with Aliens, that everyone will be happy.

What is it with Ridley Scott’s films in particular?

It’s like this. I consider Aliens to be my first big break. Terminator was a success, but I don’t know if I would have got Terminator 2: Judgement Day without Aliens. So I have a lot of affection for that movie. Whenever Ridley comes out with a film, it is almost a reflex for me to think, would it work in the plural. Sometimes, it’s obvious that it won’t. Thelmas and Louises I wrote a script but the story of two sets of twins who went on a road trip into the badlands of misogyny was never going to work. Matchstick Men was already plural and Black Hawks Down seemed tasteless. More recently I briefly considered The Counselor, but really, what’s the point?

Gladiators will be released in 2018.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

RUSSELL CROWE REJECTED BY AUSTRALIA AND NEW ZEALAND

SYDNEY – Star of Gladiator and LA Confidential, Russell Crowe has been denied Australian citizenship twice, actor reveals.

Speaking to the Radio Times, Russell Crowe spoke of his pain at being rejected by the country he moved to from New Zealand when he was a child. And to add to his woe it has now emerged that officials in New Zealand are looking to withdraw his citizenship. A spokesperson for the New Zealand government told te Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

If he wants to be Australian so much good luck to him, but we’re not going to be know as the country for people who fail to apply to be Australian, so we will be revoking Mr. Crowe’s citizenship this week and asking for his passport back.

Crowe was staggered by the new move and threw several telephones out of the window to express his exasperation. There were even scenes down at the city hall when Mr. Crowe appeared before the officials of the immigration department bare chested and shouting, ‘Are you not entertained?’

A number of countries have offered the actor temporary citizenship including Japan and Russia. A petition started online to give Crowe US citizenship has gathered a staggering seventeen signatures, forcing the White House to respond that ‘Mr. Crowe would be a welcome addition to the nation’s immigrant community, especially because he can already do the accent.’

Russell Crowe will be released in 2016.

FLUFFER’S 2014: PART 2

The Studio Exec has gained exclusive access to the diaries of veteran thespian Sir Edwin Fluffer. Here we are proud to present selected highlights from his many lows of 2014…

Mar 1st Kirk Douglas phoned: he’s got us a cinematographer for Baby Jane, and it’s none other than Oswald Morris! I haven’t seen old Ossie since I presented him with the Academy Award for Fiddler on the Roof.  Hope he’s forgotten that I spilt my drink down his wife’s dress. It cost me $37 to get it dry cleaned.

Mar 17th Had some sad news today: Oswald Morris has died. I remember when we worked together on Oliver! It was Ossie who suggested to the director that I should stand right at the back and not say anything. James Mason said it was some of the best work I’d ever done, and I have Ossie to thank for that.

Mar 28th Got the new script for this bloody Star Wars thing I’ve got myself muddled up in. I’ll be voicing this robot which spins along like a football, and there’s a love scene with someone called C3P0. I can’t believe that anyone will want to see it.

Apr 1st Just got off the phone to Kirk Douglas: Mickey Rooney has agreed to do Baby Jane! I’m hoping he’ll do the funny voice again, because that was easily the best thing about Breakfast At Tiffany’s. I think one of the Hepburns was in that too. Can’t remember which one, but I got the set if you know what I mean!

Apr 6th Dear old Mickey Rooney’s died.  It was thanks to him that I got my big break in Apache Chaps! There was a scene where Rooney’s character had to open a tin of biscuits but they were on a high shelf and poor Mickey just couldn’t reach them. Ever the trouper he went for another take and tried it on tip toes, but it was still no good. But Mickey’s loss was my gain and the rest as they say is history. I think they were custard creams.

Apr 18th Sat next to lovely Russell Crowe at the Noah premiere and when I woke up again at the end he said all my scenes had been cut!  I thought they would’ve at least kept in the line when I told Noah ‘you can’t park that thing here’, but the studio were desperate to get it down to under three and a half hours and yours truly ended up on the cutting room floor. It’s Apocolypse Now all over again. And Laurence of Arabia. And Gone With The Wind.

For more of Sir Edwin FLUFFER, be a peach and Click Here.

 

5 FILMS WHICH WOULD BE BETTER WITH A COMEDY GIRAFFE

HOLLYWOOD – How many times have you been watching a good film almost ruined by the absence of a comedy giraffe?

Hundreds? Thousands? Even millions! Well, the Studio Exec FACT squad has been out in force with pencils and pieces of paper and have created a list of five films which would have been improved somewhat by the simple addition of a comedy giraffe.

1. Interstellar: Sure the visuals were stunning. Yes the black holes in the plot were irritating. Of course Anne Hathaway could occasionally change expression. But what ultimately brought many viewers of Christopher Nolan’s IMAX spectacular down to earth with a bump was the complete absence of an African even toed ungulate mammal with a wise cracking sense of humor. Scenes of action and tension could have been leavened with the humor of seeing a giraffe floating around in zero gravity, perhaps repeating the catch phrase in a comedy Brooklyn accent, ‘How did I get here?’ That’d even make Matthew McConaughey smile.

2. Whiplash: Yes CK Simmons gives an Oscar worthy performance. Yes Miles Teller is fastly emerging as on of the most interesting acting talents of his generation. But why couldn’t this tale of an obsessive jazz musician student locked in a poisonous relationship with his sadistic perfectionist teacher have included a pet giraffe that the student would have to keep in his New York apartment, despite his landlord’s strict ‘No Pets’ policy? Don’t have an answer? Neither do we.

3. Lucy: Luc Besson’s stupid action film starring Scarlett Johansson as a drug’s courier who accidentally becomes God, would have been improved by almost anything else happening. Given that, why not a comedy giraffe, who in a piece of cunning meta-comedy mistakes ‘Lucy’ for Scarlett Johansson, the star of We Bought a Zoo?

4. Noah: This Russell Crowe vehicle had giraffes, but they were as glum as he was in this glum fantasy drivel derived from some book called ‘The Bible’. There was no joking about with them, no amusing slapstick with droppings and finally Darren Aronofsky really dropped the ball when he forget to make them speak!

5. Madagascar: Now, I know what you’re going to say. Surely there was a comedy giraffe in Madagascar, the DreamWorks animated movie that was a hit with all the family. It starred Ben Stiller and Chris Rock as Alex and Marty but Melman the ‘comedy giraffe’ was voiced by David Schwimmer, thus nullifying any of the comic potential. The whole venture will have to go down in the history books as a noble effort, ballsed up by the dull one from Friends.

For more MOVIE FACTS Click Here.

NOAH: NOTES FOR GOD

HOLLYWOOD – On the release of Darren Aronofjy’s Noah, the Studio Exec has some notes for the original author.

Dear God (or the Creator as you prefer to be known),

I’ve just seen your film Noah and I have some notes. 

1. You make no sense. You mumble more than Marlon Brando. You seem to communicate with your main man with the same fast-cutting technique that Darren Aronofsky used to show drug addiction in Requiem for a Dream, and with similarly disastrous consequences. These visions are MTV cool (well done) but liable to misinterpretation by a sad eyed psychopath and his family of Nazi vegetarians.

2. As an actress Emma Watson is a great Hermione Granger. Anthony Hopkins has lost a lot of weight since I lost saw him, but his character also seems to have lost the plot. First he has a magic sword, then he doesn’t. Hangs about a mountain, drinks tea, tries his hand at some amateur gynecology? He isn’t a character, he’s a Swiss army plot device. And Ray Winstone is portentous donkey plop.

3. Well done for the Biblical correction apple to pomegranate, but less well done with the stone trolls from Middle Earth.

 4. The CGI looks like Tubal Cain did it. Steve Carrell had a more convincing ark-full. And if you send all the animals to sleep – for nine months – doesn’t … don’t they … I mean… what? And why is everyone dressed in Apocalypse by Diesel? 

Finally, ignore everything I’ve just said. I’m glad the film is stupidly silly, utterly unconvincing and comically foolish. The morality of the film is so disgustingly wrong that if the film was in any way convincing, moving or interesting, there’d be a danger that someone other than the deluded cavemen of fundamentalism might take it seriously. The eco-bollocks simply reminded me that Hitler was a Vegetarian. 

I can’t believe how radically wrong this film is. We spend the whole time worrying about poor Noah and his mental health. Imagine if we had a similar rendering of any other genocidal story – a Rwandan village chief, Pol Pot, a Gulag guard, a concentration camp executioner – and the main thrust was how sorry we should feel for the killer because of the damage that his cruel (but necessary) work does to his family life and his psychological well being. 

Noah felt like what the murderers of The Act of Killing would have produced had they been granted a Hollywood budget. So thank the lord (I suppose that’s you) it’s so bad as to be almost beneath serious consideration.

Yours Sincerely,

Studio Exec