NOT LIKING BILL MURRAY TO BE MADE ILLEGAL

HOLLYWOOD – Anyone who doesn’t like Bill Murray could face a maximum fine of $15,000 and up to six months in prison, according to a new law currently being considered in Congress.

The legislation would criminalize ‘indifference, criticism of and/or contempt of Mr. Bill Murray, including comments that he has “lost it” or “gone off the boil”‘. Congressman Eddie Vargas (D) says that the legislation has been made necessary by a number of lackluster Bill Murray movies which have tested the love for the cult film actor:

Bill Murray is like a protected species. He has an ineffable charm, a weary hangdog expression and he can be both dryly witty and deeply tragic in the same shot, so it is important that we remind the nation of Ghostbusters, Groundhog Day and Lost in Translation and try to encourage them to forget about Saint Vincent.

Opponents of the bill say that coercing people to like Bill Murray will be counterproductive. Jean Backalore spokes EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

I like Murray. He’s a fine comic actor and a charismatic presence. But the internet worship of the actor as an icon has gone too far and does him a disservice, leading to Comic-Con appearances among other things. We have to be honest. Ghostbusters great, Ghostbusters 2 not so much. Groundhog Day great, Meatballs not so much. Rushmore, great. The Life Aquatic of Steve Zissou not so much. But that sentence that I have just said would be considered illegal and I might find myself deprived of my liberty. This goes beyond George Orwell’s 1984.

Do you support the No Bill Murray Left Behind Bill? Speak your Brains!

WES ANDERSON OPENS RUSHMORE ACADEMY

DEVON – The Grand Budapest Hotel director, Wes Anderson today opened his own college for talented quirky geniuses The Rushmore Academy Educational for the Inexplicably Talented.

The school – which was inaugurated in the English village Quirkington, Devon – is a converted four story country house, the whole back of which comes away to reveal the idiosyncratic rooms within, in cross section. The ceremony was attended by Gwyneth Paltrow and Prince Charles, as well as a gaggle of White Russians and a peck of jaded jet-setting ex-wives and a bundle of Fellini-esque party-goers and drug addicts. The Royal Tenenbaums director explained:

The idea is we all have talents, but wealthy outsiders with floppy hair have more fascinating talents and are also prey to dark thoughts, which no amount of twee irony or alternative acoustic pop can successfully keep at bay. 

What is the curriculum going to be like?

There will be childlike intricate drawing, escape plans, list making, voice over, knot tying, ornithology, dog fighting, orienteering, book keeping, Asperger’s 101 and obnoxiousness. 

And who will be teaching lessons?

There will be no permanent teaching faculty as such. We hope to have visiting eccentrics occasionally offering guidance.  The pupils will be served by a small uniformed troop of Indian servants who will help their almost exclusively white wards in a post-racist way. Everything will be under the supervision of a strict but unconditionally loving matriarch with a sad rapscallion father figure (Bill Murray is already under contract) who will appear bi-annually to offer pathos and one liners. 

Rushmore, however, has stiff competition in the US where Zooey Deschanel has set up the Girls Academy for Tilting Their Heads to One Side Kookily.