MILEY CYRUS TO PLAY ANNE FRANK

HOLLYWOOD – Miley Cyrus is to play Jewish teenager Anne Frank in new Brett Ratner biopic She’s in the Attic.

VMAs host and Bangerz star Miley Cyrus has signed on to play Jewish teenager and diary writer Anne Frank in a new film to be directed by the man who brought us Rush Hour and Rush Hour 2. The film, provisionally entitled She’s in the Attic, is set to begin shooting next month and is based on the diaries of the young Jewish girl Anne Frank (Miley Cyrus) who hid from the Nazis with her family before finally being captured and sent to the Bergen-Belsen Concentration Camp where she tragically died.

‘I didn’t know who she was at first,’ said the former Hannah Montana. ‘Until I heard that she was a Belieber and then I thought, wow, how ahead of her time. I mean really. This girl I have to find out about. I read a lot about her and if you think about it she’s like an early Kardashian. You know how intimately we feel we know her if you like.’

Brett Ratner said that his project was absolutely sensitive to the issues surrounding the tragic life of the young girl:

This is a gonna be tasteful. We are artists paying homage to a young girl and the songs are totally justified in the context of the story. This is like Schindler’s List meets High School Musical. And Glee. Classy. Right?

It’s going to be a musical?

Yes absolutely. We are hoping to incorporate some of Miley’s songs into the film, although we’ll obviously modify the lyrics a little bit. Instead of ‘You hit me like a wrecking ball’, which doesn’t make much sense given the context, Miley will sing ‘I keep staring at this f*cking wall’. And of course ‘Best of Both Worlds’ will be changed to the ‘Worst of All Worlds’.

How are you going to deal with the differences in age?

I don’t foresee that being a problem. We’re getting the same guy who did Brad Pitt in the Curious Case of Benjamin Button to come in and kind of shrink Miley down. It’ll be fine.

Jewish groups and the Anne Frank Foundation have reacted with anger and disgust at the proposed film treatment. ‘First Justin Bieber and then this,’ said an exasperated Per Jankins. ‘This is getting too much.’

She’s in the Attic opens in the Fall of 2016.

 

JACKIE CHAN IS WAITING FOR GODOT

HOLLYWOOD – Kung fu master and top physical comedian Jackie Chan has signed on for Kenneth Branagh’s Waiting for Godot.

Based on Samuel Beckett’s smash hit stage play, the Rush Hour and Shanghai Noon star Jackie Chan will play Estragon, one of a pair of old geezers who stand around waiting for Godot – a mysterious figure – to arrive. ‘It’s a hilarious knockabout comedy,’ said Thor director Brannagh. ‘And that’s why I thought Jackie would be perfect for the role.’

The Drunken Master himself high kicked his way into the press conference and seemed genuinely pumped to be part of the cast which will also star Brannagh himself as Vladimir and include a cameo from Jet Li as Lucky:

I love Beckett and I can’t wait to see what Kenny is going to do with it.  I’ve wanted to work with him for years. Back when he was doing Hamlet I was going to play Claudius but there was a scheduling issue. Now I’m more determined and this will happen. The only thing I’m slightly disappointed about is that I didn’t get the role of Godot. That’s a peach.

Waiting for Godot will be released in 2017.

BRETT RATNER REBOOTS THREE COLORS TRILOGY

HOLLYWOOD – Brett Ratner announced plans to remake Krzysztof Kieslowski’s prestigious Three Colors Trilogy. The Rush Hour 2 director said he loved the originals and wanted his versions to be thought of as a homage to the genius of the Polish director’s vision.

But whilst admiring the complex themes and often striking cinematography Ratner always thought ‘there was too much reading involved’ so his version is going to be in American. Kieslowski’s triptych of films was based on the colors of the French flag (blue, white and red) and each story was loosely based on Liberty, Equality and Fraternity: the motto of post-revolutionary France. Ratner has already declared that he will reverse the order to red, white and blue, because ‘you know, our flag, red, white and blue thing.’ The original trilogy also features outstanding performances from the actresses Juliet Binoche, Julie Delpy and Irene Jacob.

‘Casting is everything,’ Mr. Ratner said. ‘We have Julia Roberts, Lindsay Lohan and Megan Fox already on  board.’

The first of the trilogy, Three Colors: Red, will be directed by Brett Ratner, whereas Three Colors: White and Three: Colors Blue will be given to guest director while Brett Ratner takes on an executive producing role.

Brett Ratner’s Three Colors: Red will be released in 2015.