HOLLYWOOD – Scarlett Johansson will star in a dramatic reconstruction of the rescue operation that saved 12 Thai children trapped underground in a cave.

Rupert Sanders signed on to direct Wild Boars, the film reconstruction that will portray the dramatic events of recent days that saw 12 boys rescued from an underground cave. The world followed with baited breath as the fates of the children were decided by a heroic rescue operation. Scarlett Johansson came in to talk about her new role.

I’ve been inspired by Norbit, the Eddie Murphy movie. I like all those films in which an actor takes on more than one role. Think of Peter Sellers in Dr Strangelove for instance.  So I’ve decided to play multiple roles in this story, which will really show my versatility so that people don’t just think I’m that trans actor.

So you’re not actually going to play the Thai boys, are you?

No of course not. That would be grossly offensive.

Thank God!

I’m going to play the Thai boys and their football coach.

Oh sweet Jesus.

This way I can really get into other realities. And anyone who has a problem with it can address their letters to Yul Brynner and Ben Kingsely.

That makes no sense.

I know.

Out of the Cave is out in 2020.


REVIEW – GHOST IN THE SHELL – The Black Widow is turned into an occasionally invisible robot, but does the classic Manga get Lost in Translation?

Rupert Sanders’ adaptation of Ghost in the Shell has a difficult task to pull off. The 1995 anime version of Masamune Shirow manga series was an iconic masterpiece. Scarlett Johansson’s casting didn’t help matters, seen by the Asian acting community as yet another peach of a role going to a white actor. Although in this case it’s probably more excusable than Tilda Swinton’s turn in Doctor Strange. Okay. All that to one side, what’s the film like?

I liked it. Visually Sanders takes many cues from the Anime and it looks beautiful. Johansson channels her inner alien and pulls off a companion role to Under the Skin – which would make a great double bill. The city is a mish mash of downtown Tokyo and backstreet Third World. Kitano Beat Takeshi has a great role in it as well. I could watch him just eating his breakfast, but I prefer watching him offing people. In the end, Ghost in the Shell never reaches the escape velocity to get out of the gravity of its own source material nor do I think it will succeed in setting up a franchise. However, it’s stylish and witty sci-fi, and that’s good enough for me.

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HOLLYWOOD – Ghost in the Shell and Lost in Translation star Scarlett Johansson is not actually Japanese, we learned today.

Shocking news hit the internet that Scarlettt Johansson – star of Ghost in the Shell – is not in fact Japanese. Internet Sleuth Abercromby Mitch told the Studio Exec:

The first thing I did was look at the name. It doesn’t look very Japanese if you ask me. Norwegian and like Old Southy is more likely. Then I sleuthed my way over to the Wikipedia page and I found this little nugget buried under the deceptively simple looking subheading ‘Early Life’. And I quote:

Scarlett Johansson was born in Manhattan.[5] Her father, Karsten Johansson, is an architect originally from Copenhagen, Denmark,[6] and her paternal grandfather, Ejner Johansson, was an art historian, screenwriter, and director. Her mother, Melanie Sloan, a producer, comes from an Ashkenazi Jewish family from the Bronx.

So you see. Not Japanese at all.

Rupert Sanders reacted to the news with dismay:

I thought she was Japanese. I mean Lost in Translation was set in Tokyo right. And I think that’s in Japan.

A spokesperson for the Media Action Network for Asian Americans (MANAA) – who had been critical of the casting of Johansson in the role of Motoku Kusanagi  – had this to say:

Well, yeah, that’s what we were… Haven’t you been paying attention?

Ghost in the Shell is in Theatres.


 LONDON – A furious and obviously upset Patrick Stewart today disowned his daughter Kristen Stewart, following her scandalous behavior.

“She is not my daughter,” he said, emphatically and harshly; if understandably.

Everyone on the planet has been united in disgust at the slatternly behavior the Kristen Stewart used in tempting Rupert Sanders, who is but flesh and blood – away from the holy sanctity of marital bliss. Now her father Patrick Stewart has added his voice of condemnation. We caught Xavier Picard (as he prefers to be known) coming out of the Dury Lane theater and asked him for his opinion on his daughter’s behavior, “You mean Sophia, what about Sophia?”

“No, we mean Kristen Stewart?”

“She’s not my daughter!” he said, the fateful words that rang like a knell on the filial relationship. He laughed, probably to hide the pain. “Where on Earth did you get that notion?”

“So you are publicly disowning her?”

“She’s not my daughter,” Stewart said, hiding the tears. “We just have the same surname. It’s quite a common surname.”

But we continued to question him about how disgusted he must have felt about the news until he got quite angry and shouted, “She is not my daughter!” before jumping into a famous London black taxi and fleeing the scene of his public agony.

Twilight: the Next Generation is due out in 2017.