DAVID DUCHOVNY: ‘THE X-FILES ARE MADE BY A SHADOWY CONSPIRACY’

HOLLYWOOD – David Duchovny today unveiled the disturbing truth about his new TV show The X-Files: it is produced by shadowy organisation that is possibly run by aliens.

David Duchovny today broke cover to reveal that his TV show The X-Files is actually produced by a shadowy organisation with their own agenda and who might not be off this Earth. He dropped by the Studio Exec underground garage in order to talk to us about his concerns:

It’s the strangest thing but ever sine I started doing the show I wondered whether the plot of the show wasn’t sometimes reflected in the very way it was made. Fox Mulder – the character I play – would along with Dana Scully (played by good friend Gillian Anderson) receive a clue that something strange was going on and over the course of an hour there would be revelations that hinted at some larger more powerful agenda. Well imagine my surprise when I realized that the name of the station that broadcasts the show is Fox, just like the first name of my character Fox Mulder. Coincidence? I thought so too but this was only the beginning.

Really?

Absolutely. Fox is short for Fox Broadcasting Company which itself is subsidiary of Fox Entertainment Group which is owned by 21st Century Fox, which also owns Endemol whose biggest hit was Big Brother. Big Brother was also the name that George Orwell gave to the system of mass suveillance perpetrated by the totalitarian regime of his dystopian novel 1984. You still thing this is all a coincidence?

I don’t believe it.

The whole kit and caboodle is owned by Rupert Murdoch a registered alien.

I thought he was Australian.

Wake up, Exec! Don’t you see what’s going on? Murdoch owns the New York Times, The Wall Street Journal and Harper Collins, he even owns National Geographic Magazine for crying out loud! He was involved in case of phone hacking in the UK where his newspapers were found to be lousey with the practice.

Normally I’d say you’re crazy but you talk with that weirdly convincing nasal drone.

I have adenoids! Murdoch is without doubt one of the most powerfull men on the planet. He has a mass media empire that is rumored to be worth trillions. He makes and breaks governments, Presidents and Prime Ministers. And I know for a fact that he is behind the X-Files. Especially the most recent episodes whcih have gone away from extra-terrestial explanations to a shadowy conspiracy of government agencies. This is none other than the same bilge he’s been shoveling in his Fox News Channel, designed to make us cynical and despairing and ready for the next populist who comes along with a half decent haircut and the ability to rant in a nasal drone.

Wait, you have a nasal drone!

That’s right buster. I’m the one. I’m the new overlord. I’m going to take over and then it’ll be red shoe diaries 24/7.

The new X-Files are on.

 

SCIENTIST WARN RUPERT MURDOCH – JERRY HALL COULD SPAWN

HOLLYWOOD – Scientists warned today that the marriage of media mogul Rupert Murdoch with leggy model Jerry hall could have serious consequences were the two ever to reproduce.

When Rupert Murdoch announced his engagement to Jerry hall the world joined hands in a warm outpouring of love and celebration. Palestinians, Israelis, Shia and Sunni Muslims, Russians and Turks organised a series of street parties the world over to celebrate some of them involving tightrope walking, funny clowns and a juggler who juggles with different colored pieces of silk. However, top government scientist Dorothy Parker today warned that should the two ever reproduce the consequences could be disastrous.

She spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec about her concerns:

No one is happier than I am  about the news that Jerry and Rupert are going to finally tie the knot. In this tired old cynical world it’s the kind of news that makes you want to say hello to strangers and invite them into your house for some cold chicken, or a yogurt with berries.

And yet you say there is a danger?

Yes, I’m afraid so. Theoretically Rupert Murdoch and Jerry Hall could produce off-spring. As a geneticist I would be very curious about this from a scientific point of view but we are also running a grave risk.

Surely, you’re overstating it. 

I’m afraid not. Initially, you might think that if the baby inherits Rupert’s brain and Jerry’s body, you might easily consider that a candidate for the first ever King of the Entire World. However, the danger that instead the baby would inherit Rupert’s body and Jerry’s brain is well…

Jerry Hall is a very intelligent woman. Doctor I’m surprised at you.

Okay. But picture this. Genetics doesn’t work in so clear cut a subdivision of organs. So what if we get Jerry Hall’s body but with Rupert Murdoch’s face and head on top?

Jesus H. Christ.

Exactly.

Rupert Murdoch and Jerry Hall are still getting married and everyone’s invited.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

 

RANDY QUAID AND RUPERT MURDOCH TO MARRY

HOLLYWOOD – Independence Day actor and Starwhacker activist Randy Quaid is due to marry Rupert Murdoch sometime next year ‘once our divorce are through’.

The revelation came as a turn around following a YouTube video which showed Randy Quaid having sex with his wife while she wore a Rupert Murdoch mask. The Brokeback Mountain star spoke EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec:

It was weird. Really late at night and the phone rang. A voice on the other end said ‘This is Rupert. I’m outside. Can we meet?’ At first I thought it was someone playing a trick but I went out and sure enough there was Rupert Murdoch waiting for me.

According to Quaid, the Australian media mogul had seen the video and thought it was the ‘sexiest thing he had ever seen.’ The two went for drinks to resolve their differences, ‘and one thing led to another.’

It’s the craziest thing in the world I know but Rupert is going to put me on the straight and narrow. He’s a very gentle and very moral man. He said the first thing we had to do was divorce our wives and though I love Evi, I know that this is a new chapter in my life and she can’t be part of that.

Rupert Murdoch, who is worth $14.5 BILLION, has filed divorce proceedings against his wife and is currently crafting a stringent prenuptial agreement. Quaid continued:

Rupert has said he will take care of my legal troubles and some of my financial problems too. We’re planning on a very quiet ceremony. In fact Rupert said I’m not to tell anyone the location and to come unarmed. I don’t know why he said that. Oh, and he wants me to cut my beard off because he says it makes me look a little bit like Santa Claus, but if Santa Claus was a psychopath.

More details on the forthcoming nuptials of Randy Quaid and Rupert Murdoch will be published as we get them.

RUPERT MURDOCH TO OPEN THE ARK OF THE COVENANT

LONDON – After a fifty year search media mogul Rupert Murdoch is finally in possession of the fabled Ark of the Covenant.

Murdoch, who is said to have spent in the region of twenty million dollars trying to locate the religious relic said he was “Delighted.” that his quest had finally come to an end after what he called a “Long, hard but exceptionally rewarding journey.”

“Now my army of darkness will be unstoppable,” said a jolly Murdoch.

The Ark’s former owner, Dave Roundtree of Austin Texas had bought the object at a garage sale in 1997 and had been using it as a coffee table:

“It was a good, solid Ark and it really tied the room together,” said Mr Roundtree.

To be honest I didn’t want to sell it but then some guys turned up and threatened to murder my entire family unless I let it go. Even then I wasn’t convinced but in the end, my wife said it was for the best.

Murdoch will open the Ark live on Fox news on Sunday evening but some commentators are already questioning the wisdom of such a move:

“I’m not saying his head is going to explode but I’d have a mop and bucket on standby just in case,” said Pope Francis.

Meanwhile British betting firm William Hill have stopped taking bets after a mysterious man in a fedora placed a 5 million pound wager on Murdoch being destroyed:

“We accepted half the money in cash and half in golden idols,” said William Hill spokesman Don Flemming.

Our cashier asked him why he was willing to risk such a huge some of money and the guy just smiled enigmatically and said “Fortune and glory, kid. Fortune and glory.”