RON WEASLEY TO STAR IN SNATCH TV SPIN OFF

HOLLYWOOD- Wizard Ron Weasley is to star in the new TV spin-off Snatch.

Based on the Guy Ritchie movie from 2000, Snatch stars Ron Weasley as a petty criminal in London underworld. The Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY spoke to him. We asked how much magic we could expect to see?

None. No magic. Unless of course the magic of great storytelling.

No we meant the magic of spells and flying cars.

Ah, no. There’ll be no flying cars or wands, or potions. This is something else. That’s what appealed to me actually. I wanted to move in a totally different direction. I love the original and I love the mix of gritty realism and comedy.

Will you play Quidditch?

NO! For fuck’s sake, no.

Really Ron.

My name isn’t Ron. It’s Rupert. My name is Rupert Grint.

Of course it is.

Stop winking it really is.

So a new crime drama. Tell us the story.

Okay. Well, I’m a small time crook and we’re scratching a living, but when we end up with a truck load of golden bullion, it catapults us into the big league and we have to fight for our lives.

It sounds shit.

Snatch will be broadcast in 2017.

 

SNEAK PEEK FROM HARMONY KORINE’S HARRY POTTER SPIN OFF

HOLLYWOOD – When Harmony Korine was handed the reigns of the follow up movie to Harry Potter and the Deadly Hallows Part Two, we all knew that the 40 year old enfant terrible of American cinema would take the franchise in a predictably conventional transgressive direction and so it has proved. 

The first publicity shots to come out from Harry Potter and the Abuse of  Peoples and Substances show Daniel Radcliffe as Harry Potter, a pale shadow of his former self, his body destroyed by years of abuse and intoxication. The corrective laser surgery on his eyesight and the plastic surgery to remove that bothersome scar means that he has become a babe magnet and while at home he keeps Ginny Weasley (Bonnie Wright) in a perpetual state of pregnancy while he goes out and indulges in his sex addiction at the local stables (?) Meanwhile Hermoine Granger (Emma Watson) dances around looking vacant and trying to fill her empty soul with the flooding numbness of alcohol and cocaine. Her husband Ron Weasley (Rupert Grint) is driven to despair, walking around buck naked and threatening anyone who sniggers with a replica pistol.   

Harmony Korine commented exclusively to Studio Exec that:

The Harry Potter series for many of my generation is like the Beatles and the Rolling Stones. These are the lives by which we have lived our own, but rather than indulge in glib power fantasies involving magic and mythical beasts, I’ve put the same characters into situations of ‘real life’, drug abuse, violence, disappointment, self-hatred, bitterness, vacuous emptiness and despair, sexual addiction and perversion, violence. Did I mention  self-hatred?

 Harry Potter and the Abuse of Peoples and Substances will be released on Xmas day 2016.