OUR OSCAR PREDICTIONS

HOLLYWOOD – Just in case you haven’t noticed, the Oscars are almost upon us, which I’ll be live tweeting, but until then the Studio Exec would like to offer 5 Oscar predictions.

Here are our Five Oscar Predictions in order of likelihood:

1. Pompeii will probably not win as many awards as I have hitherto predicted.

2. The team up of Kanye West and the Beastmaster will make for an electrifying show that will be blown even further into out of space by the arrival of Hawk the Slayer, Flash, the floating head from Zardoz and the planet Krull.

3. Birdman and Boyhood will be revealed to actually be brothers. Whiplash‘s J.K. Simmons will use his acceptance speech to criticize the orchestra. The Imitation Game will come out and the Theory of Everything will be disproved.

4. American Sniper will shoot Selma in a tasteless and ill thought out montage sequence.

5. Meryl Streep will win another Oscar and Reese Witherspoon, Rosamund Pike, Patricia Arquette, Marion Coutillard, Julianne Moore and Felicity Jones will kill her on stage and eat parts of her body to try and ingest her magic charm. (Then we’ll cut to commercial).

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GONE GIRL: REVIEW

HOLLYWOOD – Batman (Ben Affleck) might have killed (or not) his Bond girl wife (Rosamund Pike) in a film by David Fincher, THE airport novel director of choice.

One day gone: Ben Affleck puts on his acting face and gets to say all the lines that were cut from To the Wonder.

Two days gone: Rosamund Pike speaks in a convincing American accent.

Three days gone: David Fincher likes photographing America at night because he just likes those tungsten yellows and oranges.

Four days gone: [SPOILER ALERT] Tyler Perry is actually good!

Five days gone: f*cking men are all assholes, am I right?

Six days gone: but wait f*cking women, as well, right, can be real bitches, can’t they? Yeah. Post-feminism baitches.

Seven days gone: better than Panic Room and Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, but not a patch on Seven, Fight Club, The Game or (my fave) Zodiac.

Where has my David Fincher gone? Can someone free him from Oprah’s book club?

Gone Girl is on release.

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