REVIEWS – IT – Guest reviewer Ronald McDonald weighs in on the latest Stephen King adaptation: It.

Stephen King’s epic horror novel It gets the big screen treatment. The Studio Exec called his best pal Ronald McDonald to give us a unique perspective on the new film and the scary protagonist Pennywise.

Hello Everybody! How ya doin’? Well, that’s great! HAHAHAHAHA! So I watched the new Stephen King movie IT! And I have to say Heavens to Betsy, it was quite the ride. T

hat fella knows how to scare the Dickens out of a body and no mistake! And yet… and yet…. I did have some reservations. Namely about the character of the murderous clown Penny wise. I know what you’re going to say. ‘Ronald, it’s only a movie!’ OH HO HO! But I hope you’ll excuse me. I am something of an expert and it is important that we get this kind of thing right. So the very first time we are introduced to Pennywise he is down a drain. Now in my long career as a crown I’ve played some insanitary places but the takes the BISCUIT!!!! HAHAHAHAHA! Think of the germs! Yikes! Also he murders the child.

We see Pennywise to get up to a lot of things, but none of them involve balloon animals and I think this the film really missed out. The makeup was convincing though a little complex for my taste. I mean are you a clown or some sort of mime? HAHAHAHA!! And the costume left a lot to be desired. In a word, drab! Pennywise’s attitude was very good, excellent voicework, but when he snacks on a child’s severed arm halfway through the film – I’m sorry but that’s hardly a Happy Meal is it? HAHAHAHA. And as a clown: eating should be done after work. The only pies you see me with are custard pies!

So on the whole Pennywise kept up the energy and the variety throughout. He kept the children jumping, but there were times he could’ve kept it much simpler – and a little too much talking.

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HOLLYWOOD – The new reboot of Ronald McDonald in the advertising campaign for McDonald’s has been criticized by church groups, youth organizations and Stephen King fans as ‘too scary’. 

Traumatized customer Gale Petersen (11 years old) said:

I love going to McDonalds. But last time I went I heard a voice from the drain. It was Ronald McDonald but he looked really dirty. He asked me if I wanted a balloon with my happy meal. I said yes, but then he grabbed my arm. And my dad stamped on his hand and broke his fingers.

A representative for the Golden Arches said:

That’s just kids though, isn’t it? They get scared easy and you know. We can’t worry about them all the time. Honestly. Frankly, we’re kinda sick of kids. F*cking little assholes.  

What do you think? Hmmm. Yeah? Really? Interesting.