BAZ LUHRMANN TOLD TO SHUT THE F*CK UP

 HOLLYWOOD – The movie industry is in a state of shock as yesterday Baz Luhrmann was told to ‘shut the f*ck up’ by an exec (not this one) in a pre-production meeting.

Actor and sharp faced Aussie, Guy Pearce was in the meeting and spoke with the Studio Exec:

I’m still shaking, feel my arm. That’s not acting mate; although I can do that easy. Have you seen my acting?

Yes, it’s good. Good acting. So what happened with Baz?

Bazza was going through some pre-viz shots for his Citizen Kane remake, just a standard montage with 356 shots per second with a kick ass Pussy Cat Dolls album track and lots of zooms, like whoooooooosh and wheeeeeeee. And he starts talking about his vision for the movie when this guy just ups and says ‘SHUT THE F*CK UP!’

Jesus.

I was confused at first. I looked like this [pulls confused face]. That’s just me acting by the way, I’m not confused now. This is the kind of face I did sometimes in Memento, have you seen that?

Yes Guy, it’s good. So what happened next?

I think I fainted, I’m not proud of it. I came up on the Australian soap circuit and I’ve heard my fair share of trash talk, but this was a whole new level. He told him to ‘shut the f*ck up!’

What’s the latest from the hospital, do they think Baz will pull through?

He’s in some kind of coma. Far gone, and he looks like he’s aged about 40 years! not unlike the character I played in Prometheus. Have you seen that?

Ye…no, no didn’t catch that. I was out of the country at the time.

I have a copy right here! Look, [pulls DVD from inside pocket]. I was going to play it for Baz, you know, just in case he can hear it in whatever realm he’s in. But we could watch it right here, right now!

Well I don’t think I have the…

Done deal mate…sit back, relax. It’s the extended edition too. Boy are you in for a treat.

DOWNTON ABBEY CREATOR: ‘SHAKESPEARE WAS A C*NT’

STRATFORD  – Julian Fellowes – the genius behind Downton Abbey – has roundly described William Shakespeare, thought by many to be the most prodigious talent who ever wrote in the English language, as ‘a lowlife c*nt who couldn’t write for toffee.’

Mr. Fellowes was promoting his new version of Romeo and Juliet directed by Carlo Carlei  and starring Hailee Steinfeld and Douglas Booth as the star-crossed lovers when he launched into what only can be described as a ‘diatribe’ and/or ‘rant’. Fellowes fumed:

People are always asking me how can I have a writing credit on a film based on a Shakespeare play, how do you approach the great bard and so on. Well, I have to say it was easy because the jumped up little glove merchant from Stratford Upon Avon deserves nothing more than withering contempt. For a start, he’s ill mannered, with many lewd jokes and a very rough sense of decorum and etiquette. I mean the families in Romeo and Juliet – the Montagues and the Capulets – are supposed to be noble, but they’re not even English!

Fellowes went onto say that Shakespeare’s grammar was ‘appalling and his spelling leaves a lot to be desired as well.’

When it comes down to it, one of these old theater luvvies simply can’t compete with the evolved talent of a modern television author of my standing and (and I’m not ashamed to say it) breeding

Fellowes also spoke of his desire to make Romeo and Juliet more English, even forcing through a last minute name change.  

Julian Fellowes’ Rodney and Jennifer is to be released in 2014.