EL CHAPO’S EMAIL TO SEAN PENN

MEXICO – The Studio Exec has got hold of an exclusive email that was sent last night from El Chapo and addressed to Sean Penn.

Following Sean Penn’s article for Rolling Stone which featured an interview with the Mexican Drug Lord, Joaquin ‘El Chapo’ Guzman was captured by the Mexican authorities. Yesterday he sent an email to Sean Penn which the Studio Exec has managed to get a copy of and now publishes EXCLUSIVELY:

Dear Mr. Sean Penn,

You motherf*cker! You come to me an ask for an interview. I spill my heart to you and a month later the police pick me up. What the f*ck is up with that? This can’t be the same Sean Penn who so touched my heart in I am Sam. It must be the snitchy Sean Penn from Carlito’s Way! It can’t be the courageous Sean Penn from Milk, but the shit guy from Gangster Squad. We Ain’t No Angels? You can say that again. And I gave you a twenty per cent discount. I gave you a Goddamned loyalty card! I can’t believe it. So this is to say me and you we’re through. I don’t want to hear from you, I don’t want to speak to you, I don’t want to have anything else to do with you. I don’t even want to watch Fast Times at Ridgemont High! That’s how bad it’s got. Though there is one film of yours that I still haven’t seen and I’ve heard is very good. I’ve managed to get an old DVD of to watch here in prison. IN PRISON. You know what it’s called? Dead Man Walking. Yeah this I like. The title. Can’t wait to see it.

Yours

El Chapo

Sean Penn was unavailable for comment.

SEAN PENN INTERVIEWS STEVEN AVERY

HOLLYWOOD – Sean Penn fresh from his scoop in interviewing El Chapo for Rolling Stones, today sat down with Steven Avery, the convict at the center of Netflix’s hit serial Making a Murderer.

Sean Penn here. I know what you’re thinking. When am I gonna make a sequel to Fast Times at Ridgemont High? When are you gonna resurrect Jeff Spicoli? Well, let me just tell you, there isn’t a day that goes by, not one minute that I don’t think about Spicoli and what he might be doing today. But today I’m off to interview another ‘criminal’. Yeah. I did El Chapo in Mexico and that was pretty Rad. I mean it was like Narcos, but you know in a different country. Now I’m after Steven Avery who I first knew about when I binged on Netflix’s Making a Murderer this Christmas. If you’re reading this I’m gonna assume you must have done the same. You must also have read the various controversies about the show, the rebuttals from the prosecutors and all that jazz so I’m not going to repeat all that. And obviously there are gonna be SPOILERS like I give a shit!

Steven Avery comes in and sits down. He looks exactly like he does on TV, well the later episodes, not like when he was a child or anything. He sits opposite me in the regulation prison garb that institutionalizes and dehumanizes too many Americans in our country and he smiles broadly.

‘So when are we gonna get a sequel to Fast Times at Ridgemont High?’ he says.

‘Ha!’ I say, relaxing visibly (I imagine). He’s put me at my ease but at the same time I have a lot of questions for Steven Avery. ‘So do you really believe the cops framed you?’

‘Aloha Mr Hand!’

‘Yeah right. That’s a good line.’

‘Jeff Spicoli, man! I can’t believe I’m talking to Jeff Spicoli.’

‘That’s just a role in a movie. I’m more than that. I’m a journalist and a social activist. And I’m interested in your case because it seems to me that an injustice has been done and I would like to shed some light on it. So if you don’t mind can we get back to talking about your case and away from talking about Fast Times at Ridgemont High!’

‘Of course, Mr. Penn. I’m sorry. Sure. My case. For me the most important decision was not to allow what’s called third person liability to be used as part of my defense. This meant that…’

‘I mean Fast Times at Ridgemont High was years ago. It was my first film practically. And everyone goes on about it. What about Gangster Squad? What about Milk? What about Dead Man Walking which you should have some sympathy for?’

‘All good films I’m sure, but I’ve been in prison you see and…’

‘Mystic River, I am Sam, We’re No Angels with De Niro! De Niro! The Gunman and I’ve directed movies too.’

‘I’m sure they were…’

‘Into the Wild, for instance. Jeff Spicoli was years ago. And if it isn’t that, it’s you’re the guy who married Madonna! What’s Madonna like?’

‘You were married to Madonna?’

‘Of course I f*cking was! Where the f*ck have you been?’

And just as things got really interesting the guard came and told us our time was up. I’m still not sure whether Steven Avery is truly an innocent man, nor have I understood the complexity of his case in a way that is in any way deeper, but when we parted I could see in his relief that we had both gained something from this meeting. And I drove home feeling vindicated.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

SPIKE LEE’S OLDBOY TO BE ERASED FROM EXISTENCE

HOLLYWOOD – In a landmark move the American Film Institute and the Motion Picture Association of America have agreed to join forces to eradicate Spike Lee’s Oldboy remake from the annals of history.

“For the past year it has been our strict policy not to mention the film Oldboy”, said project leader Chuck Storm:

When we have been forced to confront the issue it is commonly referred to as ‘The Stain’ but there are those, including myself, that prefer to call it ‘The Aberration’. We’ve managed to expunge it’s existence from our own records and ensure it cannot be legally distributed but that’s just the tip of the iceberg. We need the public to come forward and hand in any hard copies they might have accidentally bought, either during a fit of madness or for a drunken bet. We promise to maintain your anonymity and we’ll even give you a copy of the exceptional Korean original in exchange.

So far the plan has been warmly received. Peter Travers of Rolling Stone tweeted “Finally we have a scorched Oldboy policy” and British Film Critic Mark Kermode wrote in The Guardian newspaper “Technically it’s a bad day for freedom of expression but it’s a bloody marvellous day for quality control”. However a few media outlets have accused the project of censorship at best and at worst, Nazism:

“Yeah, we’ve been called Nazis”,  said Storm:

But the truth is Hitler would have been a big fan of the ‘Aberration’. He loved the idea of taking something beautiful and experimenting on it for no apparent reason until what was great about the original is gone and all you have left is an ugly dead midget with six legs and essentially that’s what Lee’s film is. It’s an ugly, dead midget with six legs.

Oldboy will soon not be available to buy anywhere, forever.