ROLAND EMMERICH’S BARRY LYNDON GREENLIT

MOVIE NEWS – In the wake of the Moonfall publicity, Roland Emmerich’s Barry Lyndon has been greenlit. It is due to start shooting in the spring. Roland Emmerich’s Barry Lyndon isn’t a combo that immediately comes to mind, so we spoke to the director about his next project.

Roland, What Made You Choose Barry Lyndon?

You mean The Luck Of Barry Lyndon. I’ve always been a fan of William Thackeray’s work, which is evident from my movies. I know people have been crying out for me to finally tackle this perfect fit. With the forecast numbers of Moonfall looking so good, I managed to get this signed off.

Isn’t It Daunting Making A Film That Will Always Be Compared To Kubrick’s Masterpiece?

Masterpiece? You mean snooze-fest. It takes such liberties with the source material. I can’t recognize it as an adaptation of the book I so dearly love.

Apart From The Lack Of 1st Person Narrative, How Does It Differ That Much?

You’re kidding me, aren’t you? I think we must have read different books. The film is this turgid study of people standing in candle-lit rooms, staring at each other. Every now and then he goes off to a war or duels. But otherwise, back into candle-lit rooms and back to staring at each other. I mean, fuck me, it’s awful. We’re going to tell the real story of The Luck Of Barry Lyndon.

Which Is?

So when Barry joins the Prussian Army, he uncovers an alien conspiracy that threatens not just this world, but the entire galaxy. So Barry builds a spaceship with the aid of some alien tech he finds in Barn 51, near Dusseldorf. He then zooms up into space to try and destroy the alien mothership, which is hiding behind Mars. And then-

For God’s Sake Man. Just Stop. STOP!

Moonfall Is Currently Showing In Cinemas.

MOONFALL IS ABOUT CLIMATE CHANGE

HOLLYWOOD – Destroyer of worlds Roland Emmerich has confirmed his new apocalyptic movie, Moonfall is about climate change. The Independence Day director sat down with The Studio Exec to talk about his new blockbuster starring Halle Berry & Patrick Wilson and why Moonfall is really about climate change.

Roland, Can You Tell Us Anything About Your New Film?

Yeah, sure I can. It’s called Moonfall and it’s about the Moon falling out of orbit and on a direct course to hit the Earth. And not just a glancing blow. I mean, destroying the whole f**king world. And then Halle Berry teams up with oil rig worker, Bruce Willis and a bearded Leonardo Dicaprio to save us all. Maximillian Schell is on a beach and Nic Cage keeps having premonitions, or something.

I Think You May Be Mixing Up Your Apocalypses There

Am I? Does it matter when we’re all going to die in a few weeks’ time anyway? Look, the real point of it all is that the movie isn’t about the Moon or space missions. It’s all about climate change. It’s pretty obvious when you stop and think about it.

Can You Elaborate On That?

No problem. We’re all helpless to stop this thing happening, and it’s our own fault. We brought this on ourselves. Just like climate change.

Moonfall Is About Climate Change?

Umm, well not directly, I guess. Or possibly even at all. But the way I see it, if Adam McKay hadn’t played the old climate change card, nobody would even be talking about his f**king film, let alone watching it. So this is my first film all about climate change. It’s really exciting to deal with a new subject, a global concern if you like. We’re all scared about this, apart from those climate change denying assholes, but f**k them. I wanted to talk about this in the best way I know how, and that was by threatening to kill billions of people. It makes such a refreshing change to tackle this subject in one of my movies.

Didn’t You Already Do That With The Day After Tomorrow?

Wait. What? Oh. Shit.

 

Moonfall Is Released In February

BREAKFAST WITH ASSHOLES: 1. ROLAND EMMERICH

HOLLYWOOD – Roland Emmerich is our first interviewee in the classic series: Breakfast with Assholes.

This town has a long history of taking in immigrants from Europe and using their talent to our mutual benefit. Look at Billy Wilder. Jesus, did that Austrian have cahones! And then there was Fritz Lang, what a massive talent! Dr. Mabuse, M and Metropolis. Michael Curtiz, Erich Von Strohiem, the list goes on and on, I think. And joining that venerable list is Roland Emmerich: the Master of Disaster, the chaos theory himself, the man some people are calling the new Kubrick, and by some people I mean idiots.

Emmerich first made a name for himself with Universal Soldier, an interesting character piece that pitted the talents of Dolph Lungren against Jean Claude Van Damme, a pairing that brought to mind the great acting duel of Peter O’Toole and Richard Burton in Beckett. Following up swiftly with some explorations in ‘science fiction’, Emmerich soon mastered the genre with Stargate and Independence Day and completed his ‘Trilogy’ with Godzilla.

‘It was a technical exercise,’ Roland tells me as he pours skimmed milk onto his Rice Krispies. ‘I wanted to see if I could take this giant monster, from Japanese movies and have it destroying New York, with the military and missiles and what not and yet still be boring. You see Spielberg had done dinosaurs in Jurrassic Park but he had done the obvious thing and made it exciting. Mine was the more difficult task.’

‘You succeeded brilliantly,’ I tell him.

‘Shhhhhh,’ he says. Of course, he wants to listen to the snap, crackle and pop.

‘The casting of Matthew Broderick as an action movie lead was key,’ he says.

And Jean Reno as comic relief.

Having completely dominated ‘science fiction’, Rollie decided it was time to make his mark in period drama. The Patriot – starring everyone’s favourite anti-Semite Mel Gibson – was like David Lean with blood squibs.

In order to give his lead depth, Rollie had him make a chair, and then, to add comedy, Rollie had the chair be crap.

‘He sits down, it breaks he falls on the floor,’ he waves a spoon at me. ‘Hilarious.’

At this point in his career, we couldn’t write contracts fast enough for this boy.

The Day After Tomorrow I would sincerely credit as Rollie’s masterpiece. Perhaps the most politically important film since Conan the Destroyer. After which there was nowhere to go but down. Trust Rollie Emmers to make going down an art form in itself. 2012 was such a pile of horrible steaming effluent that even John Cusack looked embarrassed (and he’ll do anything for a coin that glints). Cusack has since altered his appearance by weirdly disguising himself as a young Nick Cage (pictured).

Having perfected cinema in all its forms, the question was what next?

Rollie licks his spoon thoughtfully.

Everyone talks about Shakespeare, Shakespeare, Shakespeare. Borrrrring! So I had this idea that how can this little jumped up slap head, you know and the plays and school and stuff? Whereas a noble with the words putting together stuff would be better, the writer be. But there was a problem. How to persuade these great British actors, Derek Jacobi, Mark Rylance, Rhys Ifans to be in a film which basically trashes the greatest English playwright.

So how did you do it?

Rollie laughs.

Easy. I paid them lots of money. They love money. They didn’t give a shit.

We laugh our asses off. What a great guy!

[This interview was originally published in The New Yorker September 2012]

For more Breakfasts, Click Here.

 

INDEPENDENCE DAY SAVIOR ALIVE AND WELL AND LIVING IN CANADA

HOLLYWOOD – It was revealed today that the pilot who saved mankind by flying into the mother ship – featured in the lightly fictionalized documentary Independence Day – is actually not dead at all, but alive and well and living in Canada.

In the Independence Day Battle, the extraterrestrials were defeated by a combination of Jeff Goldblum’s brains, Will Smith’s Top Gun bravado and Randy Quaid’s mild insanity. It was the latter which finally paid off, allowing Quaid to pilot his plane on a suicidal trajectory into the mother ship where a computer virus destroyed the aliens and handed an eleventh hour victory to the beleaguered humans.  It seemed obvious that Quaid had heroically sacrificed his life so that the human race might live, but it has been revealed that he is actually living in a hotel room somewhere in Canada with his wife/Rupert Murdoch.

Ex-President Bill Pullman spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

I have heard reports before that Randy was alive, but I just don’t see how he could possibly have survived the explosion. I mean it was like something out of a Michael Bay movie. I know. I was there. I would put this sort of evidence right up there with the stuff about Elvis still being alive, or the Loch Ness Monster or something.

But wasn’t Randy actually a conspiracy theory nut himself? Couldn’t this be the case that he’d be exactly the sort of person to do this?

I’ll admit that the picture you have looks like Randy Quaid and I will also admit that he was a personality that was … let us say unique. But he was also a hero of enormous proportions and a great American. To say that he somehow slipped away from the wreckage and went to Canada! Canada of all places! No, that just won’t stand. That is besmirching the memory of a great American hero and the brother of a really fine actor.

And yet the photographic evidence seems compelling, as was admitted by Dr. Brundlefly. ‘It certainly looks like Randy would look after all these years have passed,’ said Goldblum. ‘And yet living in Canada… I mean he was probably so busy wondering if he could do it, he didn’t stop to ask himself if he should do it.’

What do you think? Fill the comment box below with your own insensate nonsense. 

INDEPENDENCE DAY DAY

HOLLYWOOD – Today is the annual celebration of the fourth of July, or Independence Day Day, as it has been known since the defeat of the alien invasion some years ago.

Under the presidency of Bill Pullman the Earth was subject to an unprecedented attack by extraterrestrial forces which were then defeated by a combination of Brundle Fly, the Fresh Prince of Bell Air and Dennis Quaid’s demented brother. All over the country, parties are being organized to celebrate the coming together of disparate parts of our nation in order to defeat the common foe. The White House has been rebuilt and New York repaired, but the psychological scars of that day remain fresh.

One witness spoke exclusively to the Studio Exec under strict request for anonymity:

We fled in thousands. In millions. There were many who left everything behind. Who lost everything. And worse than that, worse even than the grief for those who had died was the utter hopelessness. We had thrown everything we had at the aliens and they seemed impervious. Our navy, our army and our air force aside from some mavericks had all had their butts handed to them. We had stared up at the aliens hoping that they would relent, that some mercy would be forthcoming, but instead they rained down death on us. If it hadn’t been for President Bill Pullman and Dennis Quaid’s dingbat brother, the Earth would have been placed under the dominion of a foreign army, or more likely the Human race would simply have been exterminated.

Independence Day Day will be celebrated by the Studio Exec with a head hung in sorrow as well as joy.

ROLAND EMMERICH TALKS FACEBOOK DOWN MOVIE

HOLLYWOOD – For most of us it was a vaguely irritating absence of a social networking site but for Roland Emmerich it was a movie idea: Facebook Down will hit screens later this year.

The 2012 director spoke to the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

I’ve been wanting to make a picture like the Social Network for years, but the problem was it was all yackety yak. You really need something a bit more exciting to happen than for one rich guy to do over another rich guy and hurt their feelings. So when Facebook went down today, I thought this is it. Here I go. I’ve got Aaron Eckhart to play the terrorist Mr. MySpace, Jamie Foxx will reprise his role as President Broback Obamack. Channing Tatum is on board again as the male stripper turned head of presidential security, Mike. When this movie comes out, you’ll like it.

I certainly hope so.

No I mean you’ll like it. As in you’ll click that little thumbs up button.

Oh I get it.

Then why aren’t you laughing?

Ha. Ha ha.

The story is simple. Myspace is wracked with jealousy at the success of Jesse Eisenberg’s Facebook, so with the help of Eisenberg’s arch enemy Spider-Man (Andrew Garfield), he goes in and creates a glitch, threatening the world with no way of saying what’s on their mind. Unless they have twitter.

Facebook Down will be released Tuesday. 

CANNES LINE UP INCLUDES MICHAEL BAY AND EMMERICH

PARIS – At midday today in Paris, the line up for the 66th Cannes Film Festival was announced and there were some genuine surprises among the films battling it out on the Croisette.

The inclusion of such American blockbusting directors as Michael Bay, Roland Emmerich and Gore Verbinski will raise a few Gallic eyebrows. Not to mention comedy kings, Frank Coraci and Shawn Levy muscling their way towards the Palme d’Or. 
Click down to read the full list.

IN COMPETITION

Opening Film
Baz LUHRMANN
THE OKAY-ISH GATSBY (H.C.)
1h45
***
Michael  BAY
PAIN AND GAIN
1h44
Frank CORACI
UNTITLED ADAM SANDLER
1h45
Paul FIEG
THE HEAT
2h05
Roland EMMERICH
WHITE HOUSE DOWN
2h
Amat ESCALANTE
WON’T WIN
1h45
Asghar FARHADI
LE PASSÉ (TRANSLATORS DON’T GET PAID ENOUGH)
2h10
James GRAY
THE IMMIGRANT
2h
Mahamat-Saleh HAROUN
GRIGRIS
1h40
JIA Zhangke
TIAN ZHU DING
(I FART IN YOUR MOUTH)
2h15
KORE-EDA Hirokazu
SOSHITE CHICHI NI NARU
(SEE WHAT I CAN DO?)
2h
Shawn LEVY
THE INTERNSHIP
3h07
Takashi MIIKE
WARA NO TATE
(4TH FILM THIS YEAR)
2h05
François OZON
JEUNE ET FRENCHIE
1h30
Alexander PAYNE
NOT AS GOOD AS ELECTION
1h50
Roman POLANSKI
WHAT IS YOUR EXTRADITION POLICY?
1h30
Steven SODERBERGH
LAST FILM EVER (I PROMISE)
1h58
Paolo SORRENTINO
LA GRANDE BELLEZZA
(WE WANT MORE MONEY)
2h30
Gore VERBINSKI
THE LONE RANGER
1h58

WHITE HOUSE BEATS UP HOLLYWOOD

WASHINGTON – The White House has beaten up the Hollywood sign and totally, like totally, destroyed it. I mean it was embarrassing.

And let’s be clear. By the White House I’m not using the phrase to stand for the Obama administration. Rather I mean the actual building. Today, the Capitol was celebrating with a particularly strident fountain.

‘It’s years that Hollywood has been kicking seven shades of excrement out of us,’ said the West Wing. ‘First, Superman 2, then Roland Emmerich in Independence Day, then Tim Burton in Mars Attacks and now Olympus has Fallen and there’s another Emmerich film on the way? How would that asshole like it if we burnt down the Reichstag?’

The White House having a celebratory fountain
Buildings inspector Joshua Simons admitted:
This has been a long time coming. How the White House managed to get over to LA and kick the Hollywood sign’s ass and then back to Washington without anyone noticing defies credibility, that I admit. But still there’ll be a lot of happy faces both sides of the aisle this morning.

MEL GIBSON AUTOBIOGRAPHY: PART 4










HOLLYWOOD – Advance copies arrived of Mel Gibson‘s new autobiography Sad and Angry and Studio Exec was given exclusive permission to publish extracts. By popular demand, this is the fourth and (and by even more popular demand) final series of excerpts.

Chapter Twenty Six: Patriots

Although I was brought up in New York many people think of me as an Aussie and I’m proud that that is the case. I don’t often play them in films cos well, who gives a shit about Australia, right? But I did have a script which was all about the way I feel about my country. It was epic and we had the convict ships coming and the first settlers and it was really good. Peter Weir was on board. Then he had to do something else and we got Roland Emmerich and he went away and rewrote the script and now The Patriot as we called it was set in Dresden just before the firebombing and it was all about Germans and in German. The studio weren’t having it so they gave it to Robert Rodat to rewrite and he set it in the American war of Independence. I turned to Heath Ledger at the first read through and said “How’s your American accent Heath?” But he was in no mood for jokes. That poor kid always had the flu.

Chapter Twenty Nine: Apocalypto Now

It had always been in my head to make film that was utterly incomprehensible and I felt I had almost achieved my ambition with The Passion of the Christ, but people still knew the story and so could follow it so I decided with my next film there would be no way people could get. Then of course the studio went and stuck subtitles on the motherfucker. Still, I was happy with the way the film turned out. There was a lot of running and jumping. We redressed any myth that the indigenous people of South America were anything other than savages and Jesus got to turn up again at the end. Which was like my little Hitchcock signature.


Chapter Forty: Get the Gringo

When I first got the script I was like Wow, this is fantastic a real  chance for me to break new ground and try something new. No longer just the old violent Mel that everyone was beginning to get tired of, including me. But I really versatile character piece with (I don’t want to speak too early) but even a whiff of Oscar about it. When I spoke to Adrian the director, I said to him this is fantastic. And I gave him the voice I’d been working on. He said that’s great. But he didn’t look sure. I said “I can do this, trust me.” So I went out and I got my own costume. And I turned up on set and he fucking freaked. “Have you been drinking Mel?” he said. I said, in character, “You can’t talk to me like that gringo, you not know noteeeng!” He got really agitated so I broke character and told him I was getting into my role and how stoked I was to be playing a Mexican woman and with a kid. He took me aside and told me that Dolores was playing the Mexican mother and I was playing Driver, the tough violent American, who’s a little crazy and racist and has a violent fantasy of killing his ex-wife. “It’ll be really easy for you,” he said. I cannot tell you how disappointed I was. I sat in my trailer and cried like a child. I felt like Al Pacino in Godfather III: “Just when I think I’m out, they pull me back in.”   

OLIVER STONE ANNOUNCES LAST TEMPTATION OF JESUS CALIGULA CHRIST

NEW YORK – Oliver Stone says he wants to take a break from controversy and make a quiet little character piece, as he announces the start of preproduction on The Last Temptation of Jesus Caligula Christ.

The new film stars Colin Farrell who Stone says agreed to do the film ‘for two pints of Guinness and a packet of cigarettes’.

‘I drove him down to one pint,’ Stone chuckled an avuncular chuckle. ‘Colin isn’t that much in demand any more, not after Alexander.’

The film takes as its premise the theory forwarded by Roland Emmerich that Jesus Christ and the Roman emperor Caligula, famous for having sex with his sister and making his horse a senator, were actually the same person. Stone says: ‘I wanted to back away from controversy and here’s a small film telling a very simple story about how the leader and inspiration of a world religion could perhaps actually have been an incestuous psychopath.’

Oliver Stone has partly financed the film by mortgaging his trademark eyebrows.

The Last Temptation of Jesus Caligula Christ will be due out in 2015.