BLONDER BOND WEBSITE LAUNCHES

BREAKING NEWS – In a shock turnaround, internet fandom has done a complete 180 degree swivel as the Blonder Bond website launches. Bond fans around the world have flocked to the site as the Blonder Bond website launches its campaign for an even blonder James Bond after Daniel Craig hangs up the tuxedo. The Exec spoke exclusively with the website’s owners, who wish to remain anonymous.


Guys, thanks for joining us for this anonymous interview.

Guys? That’s a bit assumptive. We could be women or non-binary. You don’t know.

You’ve launched a website demanding who they cast as Bond in the next film. You’re 100% male.

Yeah, ok. Fair enough.

So, tell us about the website.

We were the ones behind the DanielCraigIsNotBond.com website. The tide seems to have turned against us a little. So we decided to launch another website to make sure the next Bond is even blonder. Really ramp up the blonde.

How Do You Respond To Claims That This Kind Of Fandom Is Toxic?

Who the fuck said that? Gimme their names and their twitter handles. I’ll set up a website and twitter campaign to fuck their shit right up. Bastards. Umm… what I meant to say was, not at all. I just want to engage with my film fan community and express my love for these films.

What Did You Think Of Quantum Of Solace?

If I ever hear anyone say anything good about that film, they’re dead to me. They are obviously wrong about everything they have ever posted about. They know nothing about films. Particularly James Bond films. Hah! I bet they think Roger Moore was too old to play Bond towards the end. Idiots.

What Do You Think About The Release The Snyder Cut Campaign?

Those liberal minded assholes? They were far too willing to bend to the will of the consensus. Dicks.

Who Do You Think Should Play The Next James Bond?

Pierce Brosnan in a blonde wig. Tarantino to direct.

No Time To Die Is Out In The UK At The End Of The Month

JAMES BOND SNIPER SPEAKS OUT

HOLLYWOOD – Talking EXCLUSIVELY for the first time, James Bond sniper Arthur Whistle spills the beans on his job.

Arthur Whistler is in every James Bond movie though you’ve never seen his face. He’s the sniper who has followed the pacing secret agent that began every film except Dr No. This is an extract from his autobiography License to Be Shot.

I began working at Elstree in 1964 just after I got out of the library. I knew Maurice Binder from his brother who was a wall hanger. In those days walls weren’t built from the ground up but were hung on hooks. And he did that. Maurice said to me ‘How do you fancy shooting someone Wednesday?’ I was free so I took the job. It was supposed to be Sean Connery, but he couldn’t be arsed, so tried to shoot the stunt double. I was all set up. Maurice had his camera aligned using mirrors so he could get a view right down the gun barrel. But then at the last minute the blighter swiveled and shot directly at me. I was so surprised I got a nose bleed and the blood ran down the camera lens. Maurice was not a very forgiving man and swore extravagantly at me. Yet when I went to see Dr No, they’d kept the blood in. 

Different Bonds, James Bonds.

We didn’t film a new sequence for every movie. But we did re-do it when there was a new Bond and Sean Connery finally pulled his finger out to do one. Each time Maurice swore that I’d be able to get a shot away and yet each time it was I that got shot. It became a bit of a game. Roger Moore practiced his hip swivel for days. Timothy Dalton came from the theatre so he alway projected! Pierce Brosnan was Irish so he spent half the day facing in the wrong direction. Because he was Irish. That is to say stupid.

Daniel Craig.

Now we have Daniel Craig and he’s very modern and gritty, but he’s also very sweet. When he came in to film his sequence, he brought jam doughnuts for everyone. The crew and everyone. I’m 91 now so I do tend to shake a little and my memory isn’t what it used to be. I told him that I was sorry about making him do it again and again and then someone realized I’d put live rounds in the rifle. I always do, I told them. For realism. Daniel was a bit upset. And I didn’t get a second jam doughnut.

License to Be Shot is released on Amazon and is available in all good book stores.

ROGER MOORE WILL NOT RETURN AS JAMES BOND

LONDON – Roger Moore has definitively ruled out the possibility of his return as James Bond, when Daniel Craig finishes his current contract which will see him star in another two outings as 007.

‘I’m already too old,’ Sir Roger Moore quipped. ‘And in another three of four years time, I’ll be 87-88. Perhaps I could play his grandfather. Ha ha.’

I had no sooner started scribbling ‘Roger Moore confirmed as 007’s grandfather in new Bond film’ when Sir Roger’s hand gripped my wrist in a steely grip.

‘I was joking,’ hissed the no-longer twinkly septuagenarian. 

Although to be totally honest I have considered returning from time to time. I see what Daniel is doing, the running and the jumping, the having sex in the shower with women who have been abused since childhood, and I think, “I’d like a bit of that”, but then I notice he doesn’t ever seem to have time for a cigarette and when it comes down to it there’s not that much shagging.

So that’s a definite maybe?

No. Absolutely not.  

And what if Sean Connery…?

Then yes.

Moonraker 2 will be released in 2017.

THE SECRET ACTOR WRITES…

HOLLYWOOD – The Secret Actor is a new blog written by an Oscar nominated actor who still lives and works in Los Angeles in the film industry but wishes to write in a state of anonymity so he can fearlessly lift the lid on the industry and spill the beans on Hollywood.

Hi, I’m Josh Brolin and I’d like to tell you about how … wait a second. Let me start this again. I’m the Secret Actor. I am working in Hollywood and have done so ever since I was a kid. Hell, I kind of grew up on screen you might say. There are lots of secrets that I could tell and under the shield of anonymity and with no fear of litigation, I finally have the opportunity, thanks to my good friend, the Studio Exec, to do so.

When I was filming No Country for Old Men with the Coen Brothers, they came up to me… Sheet. Goddamn it. What I meant to say was when I was filming a film with … two directors … who might have been brothers, but I don’t know, it might have been The Lego Movie, because that has two directors. Anyhow, when I was in that film they came up to me and they said, ‘Josh, we want you to try it another way.’ ‘Oh,’ I said. ‘How would you like me to do it?’

‘Well,’ said Ethan. ‘We’d like you to turn towards the window and…’

‘Mr. Brolin, here’s your hotdog,’ said a runner, handing me the hotdog. Don’t go thinking that’s a clue to my identity. I know lots of people who eat hotdogs.

‘Go on,’ I told the director.

‘And smile sadly.’

Hmmm. I thought about it as I munched. I nodded because I’m quite well-mannered and I don’t speak with my mouth full. And no. I’m not Roger Moore.

We did the scene and I followed what the director had suggested. They seemed happy with the scene and we went on to the next set up. I felt bad that I hadn’t asked more questions. I wasn’t sure if I had perhaps acquiesced too readily in their version of the story. What about me I thought as I drove back to the hotel? What about my vision? But when I saw the finished film I noticed that I looked great turning to the window and smiling sadly. So it was a good thing that I had done this. It taught me an important lesson. Listen to the directors.

Oh, and don’t eat hot dogs. I had dysentery that night.

More Secret Actor Writes… soon.

 

FIRST LOOK AT ROGER MOORE AS PENNYWISE

HOLLYWOOD – The internets smashed into each other today when the first picture of Roger Moore as Pennywise, the demonic clown in the new Cary Fukunaga version of Stephen King horror film It.

The new version – It was previously filmed for television – is due for release in 2016, but speculation as to who was going to play the iconic clown Pennywise has been feverish. True Detective director, Fukunaga came into the Studio Exec bungalow to speak EXCLUSIVELY about the casting decision.

Tim Curry was a fantastic Pennywise and he was coming from a British theatrical tradition. The first name on my list was Roger Moore and when we phoned he said okay. I asked him to send us a photograph of himself in costume and he sent me this and I knew we had our clown. Absolutely terrifying.

Don’t you think he might be a little old?

I’m not an idiot. I know he’s getting a bit long in the tooth so I took the precaution of watching The Spy Who Loved Me and he looked great, so I think we’ll be okay.

But…

I also got some episodes of The Saint and watched them. He’s fresh faced and fantastic.

Those shows are decades old. 

Yeah.

It: Bring in the Clowns will be released in 2016. 

TERRENCE MALICK TO DIRECT BOND 25

HOLLYWOOD – Although Spectre hasn’t yet been released talk is already rife about the follow up Bond film, known simply as Bond 25.

Daniel Craig recently confirmed that he would be signing on for another two Bond films, which will make him the third most Bond of the Bond actors to have played Bond, after Roger Moore and Sean Connery.

A massive explosion of news on Bond 24 came with the confirmation that Terry ‘The Machine’ Malick will be taking on directorial duties for the latest installment of the most popular action franchises in cinema history. Malick first made his name with Badlands back in 1973 and then became notorious for the time between projects: there was a gap of some twenty years between Days of Heaven (1978) and The Thin Red Line (1998). 

Daniel Craig greeted the announcement with some confusion: ‘Are you sure?’ he asked. However, the producers have made a habit of taking directors from smaller independent films and giving them the reigns: Sam Mendes being the latest example of this.

Although Malick has not himself commented on this latest project, a spokesperson close to him said that ‘Terry is looking forward to exploring 007’s spiritual dimension. There will be guns, gadgets and girls, but there will also be whispered voice overs imploring an ineffable god for signs of grace as well as magic hour photography and perhaps even a dinosaur or two.’


Estonian composer Arvo Part has also been added to the team to provide a stirring minimalist soundtrack. The film is not due for release until at the earliest 2016 and so time enough for Terry (at his current rate) to make another 6 or 7 films.

MOONRAKER 2 GREEN LIT AFTER LONG DELAY

HOLLYWOOD – It’s the sequel everyone wanted but which was delayed for over three decades: Moonraker 2 is happening.

Made in 1979, the Science Fiction spy movie Moonraker was a commercial and critical success on its release and plans for a Moonraker 2 were quickly made.

A studio insider explains what happened next:

Everyone wanted to make number two but there were some problems. First of all no one really made sequels in the seventies. They weren’t considered viable financially and the head of the studio at the time wasn’t keen on the main character – James Bond. He wanted Roger Moore to be replaced by James Coburn. He kept yelling, ‘Who believes in an ass kicking limey?’ Next Jaws (Richard Kiel), who had been an unknown when he appeared in the film, was now super busy because everyone was mistaking him with the shark from the Spielberg film. It was an obvious mistake but his agent was ruthless and had him signed up before anyone realized the error.

A script had been written but it was shelved indefinitely.

It was a really pity. I thought that we could have done something with this character. I said it could have been a new Our Man Flint, but they wouldn’t have it. Roger went off to do other things and time passed. It was only because I was eating in a small restaurant on the Cote d’Azure that I just happened to bump into Roger. We got talking, and drank some wine and what do you know? We’re back in production.

What will the new film be like?

We’re not looking to reinvent the wheel here. It will have exactly what appealed so much about the original. And older man ogling some young beauties, some espionage, a glass shop getting smashed, a motorized gondola and a battle in space. I’m pitching it as Gravity meets Jason Bourne meets Best Exotic Marigold Hotel.

Moonraker 2 will be released in 2017. 

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE IS ACTUALLY 46

NEW YORK – Following the much celebrated 40th anniversary of Saturday Night Live, it was revealed today that SNL like many in show business was lying about its age.

Although the official biography states that the popular Saturday evening sketch show from New York was first broadcast on October 11, 1975, the Studio Exec can EXCLUSIVELY reveal that the show had in fact been running six years prior to its official broadcast date. TV critic Harold Palstien spoke to Studio Exec:

Of course everyone remembers the 1975 show with John Belushi, Chevy Chase and Dan Aykroyd. What they don’t remember is that originally the show was produced with a different cast and Lorne Michaels was desperately trying to garner favor with an older demographic. In 1969 Saturday Night Live debuted with Trevor Howard, Gregory Peck, David Niven and Roger Moore. They were all fine comedians in their own way, but they just didn’t gel. Later Peck would make the hilarious Omen, but it was obvious he wasn’t read for the sketch show format and didn’t really understand it. Howard was drinking very hard at the time and it was affecting his performance. And David Niven had decided rashly to improvize and refused to learn any of the material.

The New York Times reviewing the show called it ‘By far the worse thing to happen to my eyes, since I was stabbed in one of them by a sharp pencil in 1954. And that at least had the positive side effect that it didn’t have to submit to the indignity of SNL.’ However, others believed that the vintage show was ‘much better than when Dana Carver or Eddie Murphy were in it’, as Mike Myers wrote

Saturday Night Live continues.

FLUFFER’S 2014: PART 4

Sir Edwin Fluffer returns with the fourth part of his wonderful yearbook of 2014.

Aug 1st Kirk’s hugely excited about Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? Lauren Bacall’s expressed an interest, so naturally I’m thrilled. It’s a real honour to appear onscreen with such a true icon of Hollywood’s golden age, and I’m sure she’ll rise to the challenge quite admirably.

Aug 7th Peter Jackson’s had me back in to re-shoot the ending for The Hobbit. He wants to lighten the mood a bit, so the idea is Gandalf will finally return from the quest to be welcomed home by me as his dear old Dad.  I ad-libbed a line about having trouble getting the orc’s blood out of his cape, so it would be nice if they could use that.

Aug 12th Lauren Bacall has passed away.  Another dear friend gone and suddenly I feel so terribly alone. Watched Home Alone 2, that always cheers me up.

Sep 1st Kirk Douglas phoned: he’s got Richard Kiel for Baby Jane! I’m starting to wonder what direction this project is heading in, but Dickie is a dear old friend and always a joy to work with. You never need a bottle opener when he’s at the party!

Sep 10th Richard Kiel’s died. Roger Moore once told me that Richard had the softest hands of any Bond villain who’s ever tried to throttle him. Apparently he’d never offer to do the washing up unless there was a pair of gloves he could use and it must’ve done wonders for his skin.

Sep 27th I’ve been invited to sit on the jury at one of these European film festivals. It sounded like quite a jolly little jaunt, but then the organisers said that unlike the journalists I would be expected to watch the all the pictures right the way through to the end. Ever since I had that funny turn during Blue Is The Warmest Colour my doctor’s advised me to stay away from anything with subtitles, so I shall probably have to say no.

Oct 1st Kirk’s started work on the soundtrack for Baby Jane. I think he’s putting the cart before the house because we haven’t even started filming yet, but he’s heard of this chap called Raphael Ravenscroft who played the sax solo on a song called Baker Street and apparently now he can’t stop singing it!

Oct 13th Turned on the telly this afternoon and they’re showing Apache Chaps meet Dracula. I always thought Bela Lugosi was dreadfully miscast, but money was tight on that one and he had his own cape. I distinctly remember being very impressed by the way he used his fangs to eat corn on the cob.

Oct 19th Raphael Ravenscroft’s died. Kirk’s terribly upset, but he played a trumpeter in Young Man With A Horn, so he’s hoping he can get away with it. I’ve still got the ukulele I played in Apache Chaps Rule The Waves so I’ll try and strum along on that.

For more of Sir Edwin FLUFFER, be a peach and Click Here.

UNSEEN KUBRICK TO GET BLU RAY RELEASE


LONDON – A previously unseen Stanley Kubrick film is to be released on Blu Ray next month in a version restored by his friend and colleague Steven Spielberg.

Napoleon Bonaparte was filmed in 1978 and made use of a lot of the costumes and research he had undertaken for Barry Lyndon which was released in 1976 and proved a box office disappointment for Kubrick and Warner Bros. Roger Moore plays the Corsican artillery officer who went on to create his own version of the Europe Union.

Film Historian at the BFI Jerky Watsfisshat said they were delighted at the condition the film was in.

It was made in strict secrecy as was typical of Kubrick’s working methods, and the production was plagued by Kubrick’s own obsession with historical accuracy. He had always been disappointed with Spartacus, and especially the battle scenes. He said they weren’t realistic. ‘You can tell they’re just acting dead,’ he said. And so when he came to film the Battle of Austerlitz he ordered the provision of fresh cadavers. His crew were ordered to tune into police radio and try to get to car accidents before the police collect the mangled bodies, costume them and then distribute them liberally about the location.   

Giuseppe Alongo – Kubrick’s personal ice cream maker and barber – recalls:

Kubrick was not happy with Moore. He always had the idea of casting insipid wooden actors who he could manipulate as he had Ryan O’Neal and he would later with Tom Cruise in Eyes Wide Shut. But Roger Moore had just completed Live and Let Die and he wouldn’t stop being James Bond. His first line in the film he changed to ‘The Names Bonaparte, Napoleon Bonaparte. 

Film critic Anthony Donby relates his own view of the film:

The film is a lost masterpiece. Moore is obviously miscast, but he gives us a suave Emperor of some subtlety, whereas Hattie Jacques as Josephine is comic genius. Leonard Rossiter as Wellington likewise plays the piece for laughs. The battle scenes are truly exceptional with the real dead people making for genuine horror at the bloodiness of Napoleonic conflict.

The Blu Ray Napoleon Bonaparte will be available on Xmas day 2013.

  

JEAN CLAUDE VAN DAMME JOINS DOWNTON ABBEY

YORKSHIRE – Only hours after news that Paul Giamatti is joining the cast of Downton Abbey for Season Four, it was also revealed that the ‘Muscles from Brussels’, Jean Claude Van Damme will also be appearing, although it is as yet unclear as to whether he will be making a permanent addition, or a special one off appearance.

The action star spoke excitedly to Studio Exec this morning:

My character is Alphonse DuBois. I am a member of the Belgian aristocracy but I have fallen on hard times and I arrive at Downton as part of a troupe of entertainers. I’m the clown Monsieur Chuckles. Unbeknownst to the Earl the house has been surrounded by dirty thieving Ninjas, intent on stealing the family silver, and this is where my character really comes into his own, cheering up the family once the Ninjas have gone with all the silver.  


Julian Fellowes, the creator and producer of the show, said that they were very pleased to have Monsieur Van Damme aboard.

He really is the most charming of chaps, and when he has a couple of drinks he comes out with the funniest stories about Kylie Minogue and Roger Moore. Really ripping stuff.  

But aren’t you worried the influx of Hollywood faces will compromise the dramatic believability of the show?

What what what what? Oh, dramatic believability! Ha! Yes, quite.

Downton Abbey: Season 4 begins this Fall.

ROGER MOORE WAS NEVER MARRIED TO MARY TYLER MOORE, CLAIMS NEW BOOK

HOLLYWOOD – Perhaps one of Hollywood’s most famous families – the Moores – are to be the subject of scandal mongering author Jinx Splack’s new book Moore the Merrier. Roger Moore and Mary Tyler-Moore founded the dynasty in 1963 when the future 007 renounced his bachelor ways for domestic bliss with an American icon.

Fiercely competitive from the start – especially with his younger brother the comedian and pianist Dudley Moore – Roger and Mary began hatching children almost immediately. First came the twins Demi and Julianne, and then troublesome little Mikey, who raged against his parents’ VIP lifestyle and made angry documentaries against close family friend Charlton Heston.

Patrick Moore – Roger and Dudley’s elder brother and famous in the UK as a TV astrologer – wrote in his memoirs Very Moore-ish:

To sit around Roger’s dinner table is to be hit with all the vulgarity of American success unleavened by any sense of humility. Demi and Julianne chew gum noisily in competing stages of dishabille; Michael stuffs himself with entire farms of food while talking about the poverty in the Third World (a science fiction film, perchance?), Mary ‘cracks wise’ and Roger cannot even bring himself to raise the famous eyebrow of disapproval.   

However, Jinx Splack’s new book claims controversially that the Moore family are not actually related.

Roger never married Mary Tyler Moore; he is not Dudley or Patrick Moore’s brother and Michael Moore, Demi Moore and Julianne Moore are not their children. They simply have the same surname.

Friends close to the family have reacted with anger, shock and confusion. ‘She’s just a bitch,’ said one source. Jinx Splack has a history of famous exposés including The Stewarts, in which she claimed that Jon Stewart and Patrick Stewart were not Rod Stewart’s children and Patrick Stewart and Martha Stewart were not married and had not had Kristen Stewart as their daughter. The publication of the book, however, was a severe blow to her credibility as it was disproved by ample DNA testing. Many see this as the end of a career which had begun so promisingly with her birlliant uncovering of The Baldwin Myth.

THE BURT REYNOLDS DIARIES: 3

Studio Exec has laid his grubby hands on the unpublished dairies of actor and heterosexual moustache wearer Burt Reynolds and we are going to publish and be damned.


October, 1980

I don’t know what is it about the onset of Autumn but my spirits definitely take a dip. I went for a moustache trim and even Elmore detected a slight droop. Luckily, Hal comes round with a script. I say script, it’s really a collection of napkins and beet mats. The Cannonball Run it’s called. I phone the costumers and they bring round their best Napoleonic uniform.

November, 1980
Turns out I should have paid more attention to Hal when he was talking. It’s going to be a Smokey and the Bandit kind of deal. Well, that worked so why not? There’s a role for Dom DeLuise and Roger Moore (?) I know.

February, 1981

Shooting seems to be going well. Except for the usual rough and tumble. Dom seems confused about his character. He keeps turning up dressed as ‘Captain Chaos’, but Hal just falls about laughing and tells me to go with it. 

March, 1981

We finished filming a week ago. But Hal says he still needs the blooper reel. Unbelievable. We have to make mistakes on purpose and crack up and everything. He’ll put it at the end of the film. It is by far the hardest part of the shoot. Dom is as a funny as a baby’s grave.   

JAMES BOND ROYAL RUMBLE FOR COMIC RELIEF















LONDON – In what’s set to be the greatest 30 minutes in television history. All the actors who have played James Bond are set to battle each other in the ring in aid of Comic Relief.

Connery, Lazenby, Moore, Dalton, Brosnan and Craig will all take part in the no holds barred contest with the winner taking the coveted ‘King of The Bonds’ belt and raising a chunk of change for lepers and orphans in the process.

Hulk Hogan has signed on to guest referee the bout and he admits he is salivating at the prospect of marshalling the squared circle.

Let me tell you brother. The immortal Hulk Hogan has been in the ring with the greats. Andre the Giant, The Ultimate Warrior, Jake the Snake Roberts; but when I see Sean Conney jumping off the top turnbuckle to elbow drop Roger Moore. I know It’s going to be the best day of the Hulksters life”


The Bond’s are being trained by former wrestler and Ex governor of Minnesota Jesse ‘The Body’ Ventura who admits he is impressed by how committed they have been to the task.


Lazenby is an animal he’s been lifting weights 26 hours a day and he’s always the first man on the training mats and the last man to leave. I wasn’t sure about Brosnan he was body slammed by Dalton, there was blood coming out of his nose and he came over to me to complain. I said “Hey, Remington Steele. You ain’t got time to bleed!”. Since then he’s knuckled down but the smart money is on Moore. You can’t hit what you can’t catch and Roger is as slippery as an eel that just fell into a bath of olive oil.”


Unfortunately latest reports have suggested that some contestants might be taking the match too seriously after Craig took to Twitter this morning claiming Connery is using performance enhancing drugs.

The shit I saw him inject would kill ten Lance Armstrong’s” said an obviously angry Craig.

The bout will take place on March 31st at Madison Square Gardens. Ticket’s are on sale now.