CHUCK NORRIS TO REMAKE DEAD POETS SOCIETY

HOLLYWOOD – Chuck Norris is to remake Dead Poets Society in the first movie to come out of the NRA Films Studio.

Action star Chuck Norris is to enter the classroom as John Keating in a remake of Dead Poets Society. Norris will take over the role of the inspirational teacher who was originally brought to life by Robin Williams in one of his finest performances. Chuck spoke EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec about the role:

I love the movie and I think it is a classic. But is it perfect? No.

What do you intend to change?

Well, the first film is very much of its time. We’ll be updating it quite radically.

In what way?

In the first film, Robin inspired his students with a love of poetry and encouraged them to express their individuality and even rebel agaisnt the strictures of their time and the prejudices of their parents. In our version, I’ll be machine going sick psychos who are attacking the school in the name of the Black Lives Matter activists.

Wait, what?

And the iconic scene where they say ‘My Captain, My Captain’. That never made sense to me.

It was quote from Walt…

So I’m actually going to be a Delta Force Captain. See? Better already. Oh and we’re not reading poetry anymore.

No?

We’re just defending the school against waves and waves of Islamic terrorists.

Dead Poets Society: Mission to Damascus will be released in 2019.

JESSE PLEMONS ON BOARD FOR GOOD MATT DAMON HUNTING

HOLLYWOOD – Friday Night Lights and Breaking Bad star Jesse Plemons has signed on to play Matt Damon.

Jesse Plemons to star in the upcoming Gus Van Sant film Good Matt Damon Hunting, documenting the behind the scenes tensions which launched Matt Damon’s career.

Plemons spoke of his approach to the role EXCLUSIVELY to Studio Exec:

Throughout my career people have said to me that I resemble Damon. Add to this the fact I’ve studied Damon. I watch what he does in Ocean’s 13 and I take notes. I study The Informant! and he blows me away. So to go back to where it all began is almost like an actor’s pilgrimage for me. 

Gus Van Sant, who directed the 1997 drama from a script by Ben Affleck and Matt Damon, commented:

My career has always been one for the studio, one for me. Good Will Hunting despite being my most critically and commercially successful film was for the studio. And so is this one. 

What insight can we expect to see into the making of a modern day classic?

 None. None whatsoever. What insight did you want?

Kenneth Branagh will be play the role of Robin Williams and Chris Pine is currently in talks to take on the Ben Affleck role, scotching rumors that Affleck would appear as himself following huge internet backlash.

Good Matt Damon Hunting will be released in 2020.   

SCRIPT LEAK: GUY RITCHIE’S ALADDIN

HOLLYWOOD – Read the script for Guy Ritchie’s live-action remake of Disney’s Aladdin.

News that Guy Ritchie’s live action Aladdin has been green lit hit the internet yesterday. Today, the Studio Exec got EXCLUSIVE access to the script. Here is an excerpt.

EXT: THE DESERT. NIGHT

Aladdin, his pet pit bull Stains and Jafar approach the mouth of the cave.

JAFFAR

Aladdin, you slag! Get in that f*cking cave and get me my effing lamp.

ALADDIN

Awight, me old mucker! Be out in a jiffy.

INT. CAVE. NIGHT

Aladdin searches through piles of treasure, flies a magic carpet with Stainsand finds the lamp. 

ALADDIN

Jesus H. This lamp’s bleedin’ filthy. I’m gonna give it a good old rub.

Rubbing the lamp, Aladdin releases a huge blue Genie!

GENIE

Two thousand years is such a pain the ARSE!

ALADDIN

Cor blimey! 

GENIE
Awight Guvnor. What can I do for you? You got yerself three cups and dishes.

ALADDIN

Cups and dishes.

GENIE

Cups and dishes – Wishes. Shine a light. 

ALADDIN

Awight. I’ll have a motor, a nice new gaff and a packet of fish and chips please.

GENIE

Whoa! Hold your horses mucker. Doncha wanna become a Prince, impress Princess Jasmine, fly around the world singing a song. 

ALADDIN

What a chump! Wait. I’ll have a pint of warm beer instead of the fish and chips. What was I thinking?

Stains, Genie and Aladdin sing a ‘Whole New World’ and get pissed up on booze.

THE END

For more script leaks CLICK HERE.

MARTIN SCORSESE’S FISHER KING SEQUEL: FIRST LOOK

HOLLYWOOD – Martin Scorsese’s sequel to the Terry Gilliam classic The Fisher King has just finished filming in Taiwan.

Starring Andrew Garfield in the role of Jack Lucas, a former shock jock who on inadvertently causing a mass shooting in a restaurant and falls from grace, Martin Scorsese’s film has been shooting under the strictest of secrecy. The 1991 film starred Jeff Bridges and Robin Williams as a homeless man called Parry who Jack befriends and who helps Jack put together his life by facing what he has done. Details about the new film are relatively scarce but one synopsis reveals:

Two Jesuit priests – Jack Law (Andrew Garfield) and Parry (Adam Driver) travel to 17th century Japan. Here, the Tokugawa shogunate has banned Catholicism and all foreign contact. Japanese Christians are persecuted at the hands of their own government which wishes to purge Japan of all western influence. Jack Law travels the countryside, wondering why God remains silent while His children suffer.

As can be gleaned from this short synopsis, Fisher King 2 looks like a prequel rather than a direct follow on, perhaps using the idea of the Arthurian myth of the original Fisher King to take us way back into history to one of Jack’s distant ancestors.

The Fisher King 2 will be released in 2016.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

FLUFFER’S 2014: PART 5

HOLLYWOOD – Sir Edwin Fluffer returns with his final installment of his 2014 yearbook.

Nov 1st I don’t know how he did it, but Kirk’s managed to get Mike Nichols to direct Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? To be honest I think he mentioned my name and called in a favor: Mike still owes me one after I let him use one of my legs on the poster for The Graduate. The look on Dustin Hoffman’s face still haunts me.

Nov 7th Just seen my dear old pal Michael Caine in Interstellar. I think that he agreed with me, the story really lacked something. From the opening scene you could tell exactly what was going to happen. I passed on the script when they said I couldn’t wear a pair of funny ears like Mr Spock in Star Trek, but that sort of thing always goes down so well in sci-fi.

Nov 19th Mike Nichols has died. I still remember when he fired me from The Birdcage for being too over the top! In the end he got darling Robin Williams to play it instead, and although I always enjoyed the subtlety he brought to the part it was a wasted opportunity really. I offered him the use of my giant chicken costume, but he was determined to manage without it.

Dec 1st Debbie Reynolds called. Apparently it says on the Internet that Kirk Douglas is dead! Apparently he was Spartacus and I never even knew. You would’ve thought he’d have mentioned it.

Dec 4th Got on the wrong bus and missed the photo call for this new Bond film I’m doing. I’ll be playing W, the Head of Health and Safety at MI7. Young Danny Craig’s got the lead again and Sammy Mendes is directing. They’ve dropped Dame Judi from this one: apparently they asked her to tone down the language on set and she didn’t take it very well.

Dec 17th Kirk Douglas phoned! It turns out he’s not dead after all! He just nodded off in front of Big Bang Theory and some idiot published his obituary by mistake. He had some bad news though: we’ve both been dropped from the Baby Jane remake. Apparently they’re going to shoot it with a couple of chaps called The Minions instead. It’s a shame really. After two Academy Awards, three knighthoods and counting I thought it would be a nice final curtain, but I may as well carry on for a bit longer. And let’s be honest, I need the money. The script for Police Academy: Next Generation arrived this morning, I’ll have a flick through that later…

For more of Sir Edwin FLUFFER, be a peach and Click Here.

FOX AND ROBIN WILLIAMS

HOLLYWOOD – The media coverage of Robin Williams’ death has for the most part consisted of tributes to the phenomenal comic talent of what many remember as a genuinely nice man whose death represents a very sad, indeed tragic, episode, but for some cable news outlets excesses and idiocies are beginning to reach dangerous levels.

Throughout this week mental health charities such as the Samaritans and Mind have been careful to monitor the various reports and have publicized their concerns that the use of certain language and the focusing on particular details could in fact encourage people close to the edge to try to take their own lives.

Fox News alas … Fox News pay no heed to such namby-pamby complexities such as thinking about stuff. The unlikely named and faced Shepherd Smith refers to Williams as ‘a coward’ when he starts choking on his own emoting. The ensuing outrage brings forth an apology.  Fox’s Gretchen Carlson tells us: ‘Some of these details are gruesome to listen to but that’s why we have here Dr. Michael Baden here now to take us through what happened.’Other cable news channels have provided similarly gruesome details and there appears to be no restraint or thoughtfulness. When the family ask for privacy don’t the media have some responsibility to weigh that against say any morbid curiosity their viewers might entertain? Is there really any need to go into such lavish detail when the facts of the case can be stated without pointless speculation? In an atmosphere when Williams’ daughter has been subjected to such abuse on social media that she is basically forced to flee it, can’t the mainstream media attempt to damp down pointless speculation rather than incite it?

Rush Limbaugh is an asshole, what he said about Williams is abhorrent, tasteless and crass, but he’s an asshole so there’s no point expecting him not to be one even momentarily. But it is the rest of the media who need to be attentive. We should all be aware that people on the edge are by definition in a precarious position and we all – but news organisations like Fox and CNN, especially – have a responsibility not to nudge, even inadvertently, those in such desperate straits.

By the way the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255.

MRS DOUBTFIRE 2: THE EMAILS

HOLLYWOOD – It was revealed today that Robin Williams is to return in Mrs Doubtfire 2, which will be directed by Christopher Columbus and written by Elf writer David Berenbaum.

The news came just as the Studio Exec got his hands on a series of emails between Mr. Williams and Mr. Columbus, which reveal both plot details and the reasoning behind the move. 

RE: Mrs Doubtfire 2

From: Chris Columbus
To: Robin Williams

Hi Robin!

Good to chat yesterday and I’m glad you’re on board. I know you’re wary of returning to familiar ground and just repeating yourself, but I can assure you, we’re going to take Mrs D. in some fairly different directions.
Best
Chris


RE: RE: Mrs Doubtfire 2
From: Robin Williams
To: Chris Columbus

Christopher,

I said it at the meeting and I’ll say it again. There’s one reason and one reason alone I’ve signed up for Mrs Doubtfire 2: MONEY. Except for the random accumulation of material wealth, all I have is the black all consuming despair that drains my soul of everything good and hopeful. I am utterly indifferent to the directions of which you write. F*ck this world. F*ck comedy. I hate everything. Send me some money.

Your friend, Robin 


RE: RE: RE: Mrs Doubtfire 2
From: Chris Columbus
To: Robin Williams

Ha ha, Robin! Fantastic. Love it. Very dry. I imagined you were doing that in a British accent. Am I right? I don’t know why. But hold that in, don’t spend it all on me. So we thought, to make it different, what if Mrs. Doubtfire had to go all the way and actually have a sex change in order to rewin the love of his family? Tastefully done. We’re not the Farrelly Brothers, for crying out loud. David already has some scenes, the clinic, the comedy surgeon (Martin Short I see). Pierce Brosnan falling in love with you. What do you say?


RE: RE: RE: RE: Mrs Doubtfire 2
From: Robin Williams
To: Chris Columbus

I say that life is a black chasm from which we go to a blacker chasm. Love is an illusion. We are all alone. We will be annihilated and nothing will remain. Nothing I ever did was ever actually funny. So as for Mrs. Doubtfire 2 and your ‘ideas’, they’re horseshit. Complete horseshit. But you are paying me money, so yes a sex change operation… Ha ha. Yes, Martin Short…. Ha ha ha. But I draw the line at Pierce Brosnan and suggest you hire an ‘actor’ for that role.


RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Mrs Doubtfire 2
From: Chris Columbus
To: Robin Williams

I want you to know, Robin, I was reading your email out to my wife and we were laughing so hard. It’s such a privilege to be working again with such a force of nature, such a comedy genius. The man who brought Flubber to life. The man who embodied Jack. Right then. David will have a first draft for you to see end of the month. And I asked him to leave some space for you to add that Robin Williams magic!

Ciao!


RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Mrs Doubtfire 2
From: Robin Williams
To: Chris Columbus

I’m sitting alone and naked in a dark room and I’m thinking of murder. I don’t recognize this room. Oh yes, I do. It’s your spare room. Now I see. You are across the corridor sleeping with your wife, aren’t you? I can hear you lightly snoring.

How can I get this darkness out of me, Chris? How? How? Are you sure you want Pierce Brosnan to fall in love with me?

Are you absolutely sure?

BAZ LUHRMANN TO DIRECT WAR+PEACE

MELBOURNE – Baz Luhrmann has announced he is to direct a new cinematic version of the Russian classic Leo Tolstoy’s War and Peace, starring Hugh Jackman as Pierre Bezhukov and Nicole Kidman as Natasha Rostova.

The Strictly Ballroom director said:

I’ve done Shakespeare, definitively with Romeo + Juliet, adding that plus sign just to show I’m not afraid of the bald bastard. I’ve mastered F. Scott Fitzgerald with everyone bar none agreeing my Great Gatsby was a million times better than his ruddy novella. I’ve even done an entire bloody continent with Australia, where I was so bold I cast Nicole as a bloody Pom. So what’s left for me to do? Who can rise to the challenge of being worthy of the Luhrmann? Bazzer the boy? Eh? Eh? It was either Fifty Shades of Grey or Tolstoy and they wanted a Sheila to do the former so I got lumped with beardy.

What changes can we expect?

None. None whatsoever. I’ve decided to be entirely faithful to the book. I know this is a departure for me but on reading the book, or at least on reading the first few pages cause it’s bloody long and Candy Crush isn’t going to play itself, I thought to myself: this is fairly impressive. He’s no J.K: Rowling but he can write a bit this old Ruskie. So I reckon I’ll keep true to the ‘spirit’ of the book, very closely. 

Robin Williams will take the part of Napoleon and the music will be provided by a host of contemporary stars of the music scene, including Pharrel Williams, Ke$ha and Jay-Z.

Leo Tolstoy’s Hip + Hop will be released in 2015.

OFFICIAL: ROBIN WILLIAMS EX-FUNNY

WHICH FUNNY MAN MAKES THE LEAST FUNNY FILMS?

The people have spoken. The State of the Union stands thusly. Robin Williams is the funny man who makes the least funny films. Of course it is fair to say that aside from the occasional hilarious exception – One Hour Photo – Williams films have also included the occasional straight role: Mrs Doubtfire for instance, which attempted to plumb the depth of a psychopathic mind.
Of the other contestants, Jack Black and Ben Stiller benefited from the confusion many felt that by saying he made unfunny film they would be endorsing the view that he was a funny man in the first place. On the phone today when given the results, I’m sorry to say that Robin wept like a man destroyed and said: ‘This is the last straw.’

‘STEVE BUSCEMI IS WORLD’S SEXIEST MAN’ ESQUIRE

Hello ladies!

NEW YORK – The week after announcing the world’s sexiest woman – Mila Kunis (?) – Esquire have now declared the world’s sexiest man: Steve Buscemi.

Usually the editors would use a panel of women to decide on who to bestow the ‘World’s most prestigious honor’ but the results in the past have always left the male readership dissatisfied, disgruntled and overly pressured and so this year, in a break with tradition, the editor’s allowed a panel of male experts to vote. They took into account such factors as ‘Is he taller than me?’ and ‘Who do I think of to delay orgasm?’ and came up with a short list that included Robin Williams, Jack Black and Max Von Sydow.

Unlike ‘The World’s Sexiest Woman’ Mila Kunis, Buscemi will not be appearing on the cover, or doing a three minute black and white promo video looking sulky in a lacy bra. The news was announced at three o clock this morning and  it is believed Mr Buscemi will not be told.