JOSEPH FIENNES FOUND IN A HOLE

HOLLYWOOD – Shakespeare in Love actor Joseph Fiennes has been found at the bottom of a deep hole in Cornwall, England.

The shaken actor was rescued yesterday afternoon when Alan and Mavis Petersen, walking their border collie Deridda, heard cries for help coming from a hole near the path. It is believed that Fiennes must have fallen down the hole sometime shortly after shooting FlashForward. His agent spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

This is a real relief. I’ve been trying to contact Joseph for years. Literally years. I thought he was mad because it was me that persuaded him to do Killing Me Softly, but all this time he’s been down the hole in Cornwall. It comes, I have to say, as a relief. Now we can finally start looking at those offers for Shakespeare in Love Again that we’ve been getting. Or at least got ten years ago.

How is Joseph?

He’s fine. Obviously he’s lost weight and he’s a little bit deranged. At first there was this preternatural calm but then he learned that Ralph Fiennes (Joseph’s brother) got a role in the Harry Potter films and he went ballistic.

Still rivals, huh?

Apparently when he was in the hole, Joseph made a model of his brother out of pebbles and twigs and mud, meticulous and perfect in every detail, just so that he could kick it in the head.

Yikes.

I know.

But there’s one thing that confuses me. If Joseph Fiennes has been stuck down this hole for five years or more, how come he was in American Horror Story recently?

This stings a bit because he didn’t come to me, but apparently some of his old FlashForward pals knew where Joseph was all along and they’d come and collect him from hole via a helicopter and a winch, He’d shoot his scenes and then they’d put him back in the hole where he would give Ralph a healthy thrashing and resume his rocking back and forth and keening.

What’s next for Joseph?

Appropriately enough he’s doing a film called Risen, about the resurrection of Jesus. Kevin Reynolds of Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves and Waterworld fame is on the job. So we’re all very excited.

Risen will be released 2018.

KEVIN COSTNER’S WORLD OF FENCES

HOLLYWOOD – Hey everybody, my name’s Kevin Costner, star of such films as Waterworld, Robin Hood Prince of Thieves and Open Range.

But what you might not know about me is that I’m also a certified fence expert and have been collecting fences since 1981 and I’m proud to have this opportunity to introduce the uninitiated to the wonderful and surprisingly exciting world of fences. 



Here you can see the first fence I acquired. I got it from Provence which is situated in France. It’s a ramshackle and rustic little fella and probably none too efficient at keeping your livestock separate, but I think you’ll agree, he’s mighty charming.  

This example now is what you might – if you’re looking for a

handle – call a maximum security fence. It ain’t pretty I’ll grant you that, but it will do the job when it comes to keep felons in or intruders out. Note the razor wire, a common feature.

Finally, this is one of my favorite fences. Gifted to me by the film director and top flight fence expert David Lynch. David used this fence in the opening scenes of his wonderful romantic comedy Blue Velvet, a film I’m ashamed to say I’ve yet to see. It’s always on so darned late. David has a collection of sixty three fences, a collection rivaled only by his dear friend Billy Crystal.