THE BATMAN THE REVIEW

HOLLYWOOD – With the release of Matt Reeves’ The Batman, the review is here. The Studio Exec delves into what worked well and didn’t work so well in THE BATMAN THE REVIEW.

Holy Shoegazing Batman!

Thankfully, The Batman spares us yet another origin story. If you’re going in to this film unaware Bruce Wayne’s parents were killed yada-yada-yada, then congratulations on living on a desert island for the last 50 years and maybe this film might be a bit much for your introduction into post studio-system cinema. Perhaps try Bonnie and Clyde, and then work your way up from there. But we join our caped crusader as he investigates a mysterious murder at the invitation of Jeffrey Wright’s Lieutenant Gordon. The murder is gruesome and there clues aplenty, even a riddle or two. And as he leaves the scene the cheery Nirvana ditty Something In The Way strikes up. The mood is set.

Holy Floppy Hair!

Robert Pattinson’s Bruce Wayne is a billionaire emo who is sad. We can tell he is sad by the angle he holds his head and how he walks, like a teenager who has been told to be home by midnight and not to spend all night standing outside that 7-Eleven smoking Marlboro Golds all night long.

Holy Imperial March!

The music and score is wonderful, but the main theme’s melody owes a great deal to the Star Wars Imperial March, which can be a little distracting. As the music plays you expect to see a completely different black cape clad iconic character emerge from the darkness.

Holy Sore Throat!

Most of the male characters in the movie are attempting to out-do Pattinson’s rough sounding Batvoice except for all of the lower ranked ‘toughs’ and ‘hoods’ who all sound like they’ve been plucked straight from Rocksteady’s Batman: Arkham series of games.

Holy Bang For Your Buck!

The action set pieces are spectacular and this version of the Batmobile is wonderful. It’s no indestructible Tumbler as in Nolan’s trilogy, but that makes it all the more thrilling to see it in action. The fight scenes are brutal and bone crunching. And the villains’ gallery is well populated with turns by Colin Farrell as The Penguin, John Turturro as Carmine Falcone. Paul Dano reprises his Prisoners role as The Riddler. Zoe Kravitz does all she can with what she’s given as Catwoman, but more could have been made of her character. And why does it always have to be ‘sexy skin-tight Halloween costume’? Why not a practical boiler suit and steel toed flat boots? Oh well.

 

Holy Summary!

There is more than a whiff of Fincher’s Seven in the art design, which is no bad thing and Pattinson is likely to develop nicely in future outings. So, pretty good if you like that kind of thing. Now let’s all funk it out to Prince’s Batdance.

The Batman Is Currently In Cinemas EVERYWHERE!

IF YOU PLAY TENET BACKWARDS IT MAKES SENSE

HOLLYWOOD – Playing Tenet backwards causes logic to work.

Professor Archi Newton today revealed that playing Tenet backwards makes more sense than the conventional way of screening the film. Newton who teaches ‘The Phenomenology of Happy Days at UCLA told the Studio Exec about the origin  of his discovery.

I remember in the 60s and 70s people frequently played their albums to find messages. It started with the Beatles and then kids did it with Pink Floyd and all these Heavy Metal groups. It was wack. So when I saw Tenet with my sexual partner Cloris, I thought hell, why not. We filmed the film illegally on our phones and then I used some software to reverse the film. All of a sudden everything makes sense. For one thing you can actually hear what the characters are saying.

No shit?

Absolute shit.

Go on.

So the story obviously starts with the Horcrux being hidden and Kenneth Branagh leaping back to life. Then there’s a lot of stuff about trying to get a briefcase to go somewhere. And they put together a van and restore the briefcase there. Then John David Washington and Robert Pattinson take a team apart and then split up themselves. I’d tell you more but I don’t want to spoil the beginning.

Do you think this is the way Christopher Nolan intended for it to be seen?

I don’t give a fuck. The author is dead asshole. And the academic strides the world like a king or queen.

Tenet is in theaters.

TENET CLOCKS IN AT JUST UNDER TWO DAYS

HOLLYWOOD – Eagerly awaited Tenet is almost two days long, according to reports.

Christopher Nolan‘s new film Tenet has a new running time: 46 hours 28 minutes. We learned the figure today from someone on twitter who has fifteen followers and an egg for an avatar. However, film twitter are going wild with the news.

We spoke with Christopher Nolan about his new film and the running time.

So Chris, two days.

Yes, almost that’s right. We think we need a large canvas. IMAX. Almost two days of running time. So bring a bag of crisps and a thermos.

And it’s about time?

Yes. It’s about inversion of time. And it’s about a bunch of people, a hit time of highly skilled professionals doing something that can very easily be read as a metaphor for film making and then everyone in the cinema will go ah! and nod. They work for the government in a kind of agency or something and they’re going to prevent something that’s worse than the apocalypse.

What’s worse than the apocalypse?

An aeroplane exploding!

Brilliant.  

But seriously. This is going to be my masterpiece. It’s like a Wagner film.

What Hart to Hart?

Not Robert Wagner you dolt.

Tenet stars John David Washington, Robert Pattinson, Elizabeth Debicki, Dimple Kapadia, Michael Caine and Branagh.

 

ROBERT PATTINSON AND WILLEM DAFOE TO PRESENT LOCKDOWN VERSION OF THE LIGHTHOUSE

HOLLYWOOD – Robert Pattinson and Willem Dafoe will recreate their hit film The Lighthouse.

The Lighthouse stars Robert Pattinson and Willem Dafoe plan to recreate their latest film via Zoom. Pattinson told the Exec:

It’ll be our contribution to making things okay. After all this is a film about isolation and boredom. It chimes perfectly with the Coronavirus. Plus the new version will give us the chance to correct a couple of mistakes in our performances.

Mistakes?

Well, little things you might not even have noticed but which drive an actor nuts.

What like?

Willem Dafoe smoked his pipe upside down. That was a gaffe. It wouldn’t be so bad, but they then used that picture for the poster. I mean… embarrassing!

Oh!

It really gets my goat.

Robert Eggers says he won’t be involved. Why?

He said it’s silly. The pipe is the right way round he said.

Aside from the pipe will there be any other changes?

Another advantage is I don’t have to smell Willem’s farts. I mean he’s a method actor, so when he farted he really farted. And the set was hot with the lights so that stuff really began to stink after a while.

The Lighthouse streams live on YouTube tonight.

 

RIDLEY SCOTT’S ROOTS CAST CONFIRMED

HOLLYWOOD – Ridley Scott’s motion picture remake of seminal TV series Roots is firming up with Orlando Bloom and Brad Pitt joining an all star cast that already includes Emma Stone, Christian Bale and Robert Pattinson.

Based on Alex Haley’s novel, the mini-series was a landmark in television history when it first aired on ABC in 1977. Scott said he was delighted at the opportunity to make what he describes as a re-imagining of the family saga which stretches from colonial times through the civil war to the present day. Orlando Bloom has confirmed he will be playing Kunta Kinte, the African who is captured, sold into slavery and brought to America. Emma Stone plays Kizzy, his daughter and Christian Bale will play Mingo, an older slave who teaches George (Robert Pattinson) about cock-fighting.

The sadistic slave owner will be played by Samuel L. Jackson.

Ridley Scott spoke EXCLUSIVELY to Studio Exec about his new project:

Many people have said why now? Why make this film now? And with that cast? Well, the answer is simple. Following the election of President Obama the time has come to revisit slavery and issues of race and reassess them. So that’s what we’re going to do and we’re going to do it without the old racist ideas that black actors should play the black roles and white actors should be forbidden from playing roles of characters who were in reality actually black. This is very liberating and everyone says I’m brilliant to have even thought it up.

Although the film will for the most part stay close to the source material, Scott has promised to bring it up to date and has already cast Brad Pitt as President Barack Obama.

Roots will be released in 2015.

CANNES DIARY: DAY 5

CANNES – Talking to Guy Pearce today – he’s here for the Neighbors movie The Rover. He tells me that he loves Cannes, except for the fact he shares a bathroom with Don Johnson and Johnson leaves the towels on the floor and doesn’t hang them on the rail.

Johnson is here for Jim Mickle’s Cold in July, a brilliant Southern Noir. Johnson told me that when he was researching the role no one asked him to hang towels up, that was the maid’s job. He went on to complain that Pearce does this thing of gargling for five minutes every morning and then doing voice exercises which he can hear ‘as if he was doing it in my f*cking ear’. He also mentioned that The Rover had absolutely nothing to do with Neighbors, which was an Australian soap opera which he did right at the beginning of his career and which he has left behind. It turns out that Johnson has his own bathroom and is only using Mike’s  Guy’s to irritate him.

For more Cannes CLICK HERE.

SYRIAN CIVIL WAR PAUSES AS KRISTEN STEWART AND ROBERT PATTINSON REUNITE

DAMASCUS – Today the guns outside Aleppo fell silent, in the Middle East Palestinian militants and Israeli settlers broke bread, children from North and South Korea met on the DMZ and danced to the sound of an old Paul McCartney record.

Is it true? Is the news really true? Are Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson back together (in time for the blu-ray release of the Twilight Saga’s final installment, Breaking Dawn: Part Two)?
 Studio Exec can exclusively reveal – along with much of the world’s press and many thousands of internet sites – that yes someone who said something who knows someone has said that yes, the great misery guts, bong-toker and mope-face Kristen Stewart has sought and received the forgiveness of the toothsome Mr. Pattinson. President Obama and Governor Romney joined together on the lawn of the Rose Garden and Mitt – playing acoustic guitar and singing harmony – went through six of their favorite Simon and Garfunkel songs.

The new Pope issued a statement saying that usually he hates young people and love and all that ‘shit’ but he has always loved K.Stew and R.Patz and was ‘stoked’ for the final film in the Mormon vampire epic.

Can this be the new dawn? The dare we say it Breaking Dawn Part Two of a new era?

Even as we write these words news has reached us that the ice caps have decided to freeze back up and scientist agree that global warming has somehow miraculously been reversed. By the power of love.

ROBERT PATTINSON AND KRISTEN STEWART TEAM UP FOR DIRTY DANCING REMAKE

Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart
Jennifer Grey and Patrick Swayze


HOLLYWOOD – On again off again couple of the moment Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart will be teaming up one more time for the remake of beloved dance musical Dirty Dancing to be directed by Francis Ford Coppola. Pattinson plays dance instructor Johnny Castle, originally played by Patrick Swayze, who teaches young Frances ‘Baby’ Houseman (Stewart, taking over from Jennifer Grey) the ways of love and sex fuelled dancing.

Francis Ford Coppola – director of such masterpieces as The Godfather, The Conversation and Apocalypse Now – said that he was looking forward to being back in the game.

I won’t deny it, life has been tough recently. It’s like everything I touch turns to shit. And then the business is very cruel. (Sobbing) I’m not very proud of myself. I went to some dark places. I even made a film with Val Kilmer. Val goddam Kilmer!

 Rob.son and K.art – as they prefer to be known – said in perfect synchronicity that they were looking forward to working together again.

Every time we appear apart in a film, bad things happen, whether it’s Water for Elephants or On the Road. We are hoping to recapture the magic of Twilight, but with you know, dancing. Dirty dancing. Like the name of the film. 

So who are you going to be rooting for Team Castle or Team Baby? Leave a comment and tell us what you think. And be sure and follower us on Twitter, or you know wherever.

Dirtier Dancing will be released in 2015.

TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN PART 2: REVIEW

Family plus waiting paedophile










A ‘human’ played by Dean Moriarty’s girlfriend and Dracula Jr. have a CGI baby who is immediately the target of the paedophile teenwolf Jacob who wants to ‘protect’ her, as well as a mob of camp Italians led by David Frost and the little screamer from War of the Worlds.
The final part of the teen-angst bag is an oddly twisted and bizarrely entertaining lesson in what happens when you insist that kids don’t have sex before marriage. The guttering frustration of teens is blown up into epic proportions and culminates in the obligatory two bunches of people running towards each other in a field. The most entertaining work of fiction to come out of Mormonism since The Book of Mormon (by which I mean The Book of Mormon).