PADDINGTON BEAR HORROR REBOOT GREENLIT

HOLLYWOOD – Following on from the Winnie The Pooh: Blood And Honey horror reimagining, a Paddington Bear horror reboot has been announced. The gore-fest will be directed by Eli Roth and begins shooting later this summer. The Exec caught up with eternal frat boy horror aficionado, Roth as he finalized pre-production on the Paddington Bear horror reboot.

Eli, What Attracted You To A Paddington Bear Horror Reboot?

Hey bros. You know me, when it comes to bucking horror trends, I’m Phi Beta Kappa. I was never on board the torture porn trend with Hostel. Nor was I on board the remake gravy train with Death Wish. And I will never be on the videogame movie band wagon with Borderlands. When I heard there was an opportunity to make a beloved children’s bear character into a horror icon, I leaped at the chance. Here was another opportunity to prove what an original creative force I am.

Can You Tell Us Anything About The Plot?

Only a little. It’s going to be a home invasion story. Where a Peruvian immigrant bear stalks and terrorizes the Brown family. Think The Purge crossed with Straw Dogs, but he’s not a dog. He’s a bear and he’s not made of straw. I never got why they called it Straw Dogs. What kind of stupid title is that? It should’ve been called Shootsie or The Graduate II: Braddock’s Revenge. That would have been way cooler, bro.

Can You Tell Us Any Cast News?

I shouldn’t really, but you seem like a cool dude, man. We got Robert Englund playing Henry Brown and Sybil Danning as Mary Brown.

And Who Is Playing Paddington?

We got Andy Serkis in a mo-cap suit providing the movements, but we aint using him for the voice. We have Rob Zombie providing the voice. He brings a real guttural heft to the character that has never been explored before. Plus he sounds like he’d tear you a new assshole.

Paddington Bear: Flesh Shredder Starts Filming Shortly

SAMUEL L. JACKSON WILL COACH OBAMA FOR 2ND DEBATE

Snakes!
Wake the Fuck Up

WASHINGTON – Samuel L. Jackson has confirmed that he will coach President Barack Obama in preparation for his second debate with Governor Romney on October 16th.
The Long Kiss Goodnight and Snakes on the Plane actor said:

You can expect a lot more profanity that’s for damned sure. And a generally more aggressive approach, especially to foreign policy talking points. And if Romney tries any of that jive bullshit about the Presidential record, we gonna bitch slap that motherfucker with the latest unemployment figures and the fact Obama is the fucking Ninja who popped a cap in Osama Bin Laden’s eye hole.

Jackson has already contributed to the election with a special ‘Wake the Fuck Up’ video that became a viral internet hit.

Romney’s camp has responded that they will continue with their winning tactic of an intense torture porn diet (read here) and maybe let Mitt go one on one with Freddy Kreuger actor Robert Englund.