WEDGER: EPISODE 2 RECAP: ‘ALL TOMORROW’S WEDGIES’

Warning: SPOILERS for the HBO show Wedger, from pilot through to episode 2, follow:


Episode 2: ‘All Tomorrows Wedgies’ 

After the slow burn of the pilot, the latest episode took off at a fair clip with a brilliant set piece in which the Wedgier strikes at a high fashion catwalk show in downtown New York, killing a model in one of the most gruesome and elaborate murders ever committed to the screen.

Guest director Brian De Palma brought some of his cinematic verve to proceedings in a sequence – complete with split screen action – reminiscent of his early masterpiece Blow Out. The use of razor edged lingerie and a fishing pole will perhaps make you never look the same way again at a fly fisherman.

While mayhem is taking place downtown at the fashion show, Wedger’s day has begun as he drives his two blind children to school, but, being Wedger, he’s almost paralytically drunk. Captain Balaton (Jeff Daniels in perhaps a career best role) delivers a priceless  line – ‘You got here quick’ – when he discovers Wedger in a holding tank for running over the traffic monitor, having only just called him in to help with the serial killer. However, now with a DUI hanging over his head, Wedger has no choice but to help the hapless police force that seems helpless in the hopeless face of their own haplessness. 

Meanwhile, at home Mrs. Wedger (Mia Sara) is nursing Simon ‘Paint Bottle’ Wedger (a so-so Matthew Modine) back to health, after finding him beaten by his bookie on the doorstep. Having bathed him by candle light and rubbed his body with unguents, sister-in-law and brother-in-law have sex both tasteful and missionary before getting down to a more satisfactory doggy style, all the while giving vital background information. It is a tender moment which only later becomes sinister when we realize that they are unaware that Wedger is Skyping from the police station, the laptop is open and the webcam is on. That final shot of the webcam is chilling in the extreme and leaves us wondering is Wedger the only one with access to the wireless password, or perhaps the Wedgier is closer than we think…?

For more Wedger news CLICK HERE.

WEDGER PILOT AIRS ON HBO

NEW YORK – New HBO show Wedger starring Robert Downey Jr. premiered last night to some of the highest ratings in the prestigious station’s history. SPOILERS for the pilot of Wedger follow.

Pilots of important shows have almost become the stuff of legend. The Sopranos, Breaking Bad, Mad Men and Deadwood all began with robust openings that set the ambitious standard for what was to come and what would have to come ever after in TV drama. Wedger, starring Robert Downey Jr as the eponymous troubled investigator, if anything, set the bar even higher. The first scene introduces us to an almost unrecognizable Downey Jr. Bearded and the worse for wear, Wedger is a sleazy and morally bankrupt presence, caught during his estranged daughter’s PTA meeting injecting heroin into his eyeball. The tired wit of his put down to the head teacher – ‘We all need an ax to break the ice’ – perfectly surmises both the character’s louche decadence as well as the offhand amorality of the show. The teacher in recognition of the dark loneliness at the heart of the American male gleefully submits to anal sex. Credits. Now how’s that for a cold opening?
The rest of the episode charts the slow development of a case in which a series of crimes are committed involving wedges, or significantly in one particularly gruesome decapitation the absence of wedges. Jeff Daniels is superb as the police captain Balaton who is Wedger’s last remaining friend in the police department, seeking him out for unofficial consultations. Matthew Modine is garrulous and hilarious, easily matching Downey Jr’s bravura, as Simon ‘Paint Bottle’ Wedger, Wedger’s asshole gambling addict brother, and his catchphrase ‘f*ck you, ass face’ looks likely to enter the cultural lexicon soon enough as the counterpart of ‘I made him an offer he couldn’t refuse’.

My one criticism would be that Mia Sara, as Wedger’s ex-wife Toni, could have been whinier, but I suppose AMC have spoiled me. Paul Verhoeven – directing the pilot – brought a high powered Hollywood sensibility and the scenes in the Tits n’ Asses Exposition Strip Club included some sly in jokes to the Showgirls debacle that almost sunk his career. Speculation on the internet is already rife about the identity of the mysterious Wedgey – the murderer – but for the moment Verhoeven and David Mamet (who scripted the episode) are keeping their cards close to their chests.

Wedger broadcasts Sundays on HBO at 9 pm EST.   

SCHWARZENEGGER REPLACES DOWNEY. JR FOR SHERLOCK HOLMES 3

HOLLYWOOD – After Robert Downey Jr announced that he had ‘better things to do’ and stepped away from the Sherlock Holmes franchise, producer Joel Silver has decided to go back to his eighties roots and re-team with his Commando and Predator star Arnold Schwarzenegger for Sherlock Holmes: The Scarlet Helicopter.

Silver had this to say about the subject:

The one problem I had with the previous two films in the series were that there was not one helicopter in either film, and I, Joel Silver, find that completely unacceptable, unfortunately Warner Bros. said to me that there was no way I was ruining their cash cow by adding a helicopter into the films for no reason. Also that it didn’t make sense during that time period. With Rob now gone, they’ve told me I can basically do what I like with it now  as they don’t care, so Arnold is Holmes, Jesse Ventura is Watson and the helicopter is the villain so I think we’re on to something here.

Holmes’ new nemesis



When asked about the news Arnold told us “I’m back!” but when reminded that this is the first movie his been involved with in the series he said “I’ll be back!” He promised “less mystery and more muscles.” Walter Hill or Ivan Reitman have both been touted as possible directors. Jesse Ventura also made a statement, but fortunately nobody was listening as everyone had lost interest.

Sherlock Holmes and the Scarlet Helicopter will be released Xmas 2015.

IRON MAN OF REAL STEEL MAGNOLIAS

HOLLYWOOD – Robert Downey Jr. returns as everyone’s second favourite millionaire/superhero Iron Man, sadly reduced to organising boxing matches between robots in order to buy a kidney for Julia Roberts who has type 1 diabetes. 

However, Iron Man and his trusty sidekick Wolverine (played by Hugh Jackman) come up against the combined forces of Olympia Dukakis and Dolly Parton, who divide their time between arguing hilariously with Shirley MacLaine and training fighting robots in order to save their financially troubled beauty salon. 
Henry Cavill is on hand, basically to show his tits and worry about the fact he can fly. 

A witty social commentary on the corrosive effects of capitalism at its most feral and the true value of friendship. 

12 stars!

ROBERT DOWNEY JR. TO RETURN TO ACTING

HOLLYWOOD – While promoting his blockbusting new film Iron Man 3, Robert Downey Jr. hinted at a press conference in Quebec that he might be returning to acting after a fifteen year absence.

‘I do miss it,’ he said. ‘And should the right script come along I might be persuaded, but I am making a lot of money just being me with different names.’

In a moment of almost embarrassing candor he continued:

Acting is actually quite hard work. You have to get a character and maybe even research him or at least think about him and then pretend to have these emotions and experiences and what not. With Iron Man and Sherlock Holmes, I’m just me and then we swap the names in post.

Downey Jr. cited Chaplin as the film when he last put in a proper performance. ‘Since then it has been free-wheeling fun,’ he laughed.

Downey Jr. reacted angrily however when one journalist – Xavier Poulis of the French cultural magazine Chapeau – asked him if he would apologize for his participation in Shaggy Dog, a Tim Allen ‘comedy’ which caused widespread offence in the Islamic world because ‘it was shit’. Downey snarled:

As an artist I would defend anyone’s right to express themselves freely, and I think as a kind of hack, I ought to have the same rights as an artist.

Iron Man 3 something something money money.

IRON MAN 3: REVIEW


During the Napoleonic wars, a French ship of the type Chasse Maréewas wrecked off the coast of the English town of Hartlepool. The only survivor was a monkey, allegedly wearing a French uniform to provide amusement for the crew. On finding the monkey, some locals decided to hold an impromptu trial in the town square; since the monkey was unable to answer their questions, and many locals were unaware of what a Frenchman may look like, they concluded that the monkey was in fact a French sailor. Just to make sure, the animal was sentenced to death and hanged in the town.


Don’t be as stupid as the residents of Hartlepool. Go and see Iron Man 3,it’s the best of the series. 

IRON MAN 3 TO GET CANADIAN VERSION

MONTREAL – Iron Man 3 will be released in three separate versions.

There will be the international release, a version that will only be released in China and now – Marvel have announced a Canadian version as well. Collectors will no doubt be examining each different version frame by frame to catch the alternate scenes, shots and dialogue. However, Studio Exec has managed to get a note from the studio detailing the changes that have been made for the Canadian version. Read the full note after the jump.

IRON MAN 3//// MEMO: 2 CANADIAN VERSION
Re: changes for Canada release. 
Circ. 23145633343.

  1. Change stars and stripes to maple leaf. (Digitally). See figure 1.
  2. Title change: from Iron Man 3 to Homme de Fer Trois.

  3. figure 1.
  4. Main villain actor should be Ben Affleck. Check availability. Digital face replacement should do the trick.
  5. Change Pepper Pot: to Poivrière
  6. Add dialogue: Poivère: ‘Who helped rescue the hostages from Iran?’ Homme de Fer: ‘Why it was Canada! Canada of course! Who  else?’  
  7. Have every line of dialogue repeated in French.
  8. Breakfast scene: Maple syrup on pancakes. 
  9. Replace Jon Favreau with everyone’s favourite Canadian: Jim Carrey.

   

IRON MAN ACTION FIGURES ‘IN POOR TASTE’

HOLLYWOOD -Iron Man 3 – due for release sometime in 2013 – is already kicking up a storm of controversy with the issuing of a set of action figures depicting the main characters of the Marvel film franchise starring Robert Downey Jr. as Tony Stark, a black guy (Terrence Howard or Don Cheadle, whoever’s cheaper) and Gwyneth Paltrow as a woman.

Hasbro first displayed the figures earlier this year at Toy Fair, but a spokesperson for the company said they had been planned for some time.

However, an article in The New Left State Review has lambasted the tie-in product. Prof. Stem Reasurgh of the University of Colorado writes that the ‘exploitation of this period in our history for purely commercial gain is a national disgrace.’ He continues:

Tony Stark loses everything including his really nice house and HQ and he has to somehow come back from the depths in order to battle the wicked Mandarin. And remember this is a man who was kidnapped by terrorists in Somewhere-over-there-istan. He hasn’t even got a heart and yet he still fights to protect the world from Loki and stuff. And this man’s plight, his enormous sacrifices are trivialized by what is essentially a toy.

However, Hasbro has responded to the criticisms in a baffled press release:

We don’t understand why action figures for a comic book franchise should be controversial. After all, we’ve done figures for all the movies and no one has complained until now.

The criticism comes after similar controversies surrounding the merchandising of Argo and Django Unchained (for more on those stories CLICK HERE), leading to the question should all action figures and toy related merchandise be banned and the death penalty be used as a deterrent? What do you think? Please leave your brain droppings in the comment box below.

GWYNETH PALTROW’S NEW DIET CAUSES UPROAR

LONDON – Gwyneth Paltrow – long famous as the feminist icon who brings Robert Downey Junior his coffee in Iron Man and cooks Coldplay’s dinner – has caused outrage, furor, anger, and a series of online rants with the publication of her new diet The C-Plan.

 

Breakfast, lunch, dinner, supper

‘The diet is basically vegetarian,’ said Ms. Paltrow. ‘I’ve eliminated almost all meat and fish because of my concern about industrial scale farming and the depletion of fish stocks, as well as increasing health concerns. However, I despise the sentimentality which is sometimes associated with a vegetarian lifestyle and I don’t like nuts, so in order to replace protein I’ve opted to eat cats.’

Her book includes recipes for kitten risotto, pussikins parmigiana, moggie curry and Tom cat stir fry.  

I very much believe that one should not resort to buying cats specifically to eat. You should raise them yourself and butcher, skin and cure the meat yourself. Although I sometimes asj Chris to drown the smaller ones, something he enjoys doing. Kittens are particularly delicious as a snack, with a taste a little bit like rabbit. 

Peta and the RSPCA have reacted with fury at Ms. Paltrow’s new ideas. Spokesperson Philip Havelplot shouted down the phone:

I mean what does she do in those films. She just hangs around waiting to be put in jeopardy and then Downey Jr. comes and rescues her. She was such a promising actress, it’s depressing to see her settle for such insubstantial roles. Oh, and the cat thing’s just crazy.

A snack

What do you think of Paltrow’s pussy cat palaver? Should we eat cats? Will you buy the book? Feel free to comment in our comments section below, and vote in our 24 hour poll.  

COUNTDOWN BEGINS TO 2014 OSCARS

HOLLYWOOD – The day is almost here and it’s time to preview the rapidly approaching 86th edition of the Oscar awards announcements  which is set to take place in February, 2014. Studio Exec – as ever – is first with the predictions and the results and the gossip.

Hosted by Paul Rudd after the disaster of Seth McFarlane’s on stage bong smoking last year, the ceremony is a pared down version of the usual razzmatazz and is sponsored by K-Mart and JC Penny. And the award goes to…

Best Actor – Robert Downey Jr. for Iron Man 3 

Not because of the acting but the fact he has managed to maintain his reputation as a great actor while at the same time not acting, and making the least amount of effort. Whether it’s playing Tony Stark, a performance he Skypes, or playing Sherlock Holmes and being basically Tony Stark in different clothes, Downey Jr rakes in the cash in a very entertaining fashion. He will be amusingly self-deprecating in his speech (but not enough). 


Best Actress –  Molly Ringwald for Pretty in Purple 

No one saw this coming. The upset of the year with a daring re-imagining of the Eighties favorite. Molly will cry and thank a long series of names who will later turn out to be her cats. 

Best Director – Jon Favreau for Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Foetus

Again a surprise career resurrection, after the disaster of Cowboys and Aliens Favreau will shout ‘I’m king of the world (as well)’ and then host Paul Rudd will vomit on him prodigiously.

Best Film – The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug 

No surprise here. Peter Jackson was told by the academy if he agreed to make this film his last they would give him an Oscar to go with the seventeen he has already.  

SPIELBERG TO DIRECT ELECTION MOVIE


HOLLYWOOD – Director Steven Spielberg announced earlier today that he has a script for a film based on the recent US elections – and he’ll start pre-production in the new year.

Spielberg, whose Lincoln biopic is due for release on November 16th,  also confirmed that he has his cast in place, and is considering shooting in the 3D format.

We caught up with Steven at his retreat in Martha’s Vineyard.

Mr Spielberg. Surely everyone is sick to their back teeth of the elections. Why make a film?

I don’t think people know the real story behind this election and I consider it my duty as an artist to reveal the wizards behind the curtain.

Wizards?

I don’t mean actual Wizards they’re all too busy working overtime onThe Hobbit.

So what do you mean.Are you saying the Klu Klux Klan influenced the elections?

No, I was referencing The Wizard of Oz.

Oh I see. You mean the film with James Franco which is out next year?

No, I mean the 1939 Victor Flemming version starring Judy Garland.

Sorry, it doesn’t ring any bells. So who are these ‘Wizards’ – as you call them?

You’ll have to wait until the movie comes out.

I’d rather know now if you don’t mind.

Well, let’s just say there were invisible forces pulling the strings in the background and they tried, but ultimately failed, to get Mitt Romney elected.

Invisible forces? Wizards lingering behind drapes? Apologies Steven but this all sounds preposterous.

It might seem far fetched but trust me – when you see the film all will become clear.

Can’t you just clear it up now? I’m doing an interview with Adam Samberg in 30 minutes.

OH FOR F*CKS SAKE IT’S THE ALIEN’S! THE F*CKING ALIENS DID IT!

Ah. Well why didn’t you just say so that’s perfectly plausible. Anyway, who is in your cast?

Mel Gibson will play Romney and Robert Downey Jnr will play Obama.

I understand the casting of Downey Jnr, he was born to play the role, but Mel Gibson?!

What’s wrong with Mel he’s a very talented actor?
Sure, but aren’t you offended by his anti-Semitic beliefs? You being a gentleman of Jewish persuasion and all.

Oh that old business. Look, I believe a man should have a second chance and Mel was suffering with an alcohol dependency at the time. Forgive and forget I say.

That’s a very noble attitude. What if he goes on another of his rants?

If he does then I’ll click my fingers and a Mossad assassin will execute him forthwith. Hopefully it won’t come to that.

Ah good. Okay, Steven that about wraps it up. Just one more question. What do you think of George Lucas’ billion-dollar Disney deal which will effectively make him the most powerful man in the industry. Are you pleased about your old friends success, or are you angered that you are destined to live in his gargantuan shadow for the rest of your life?

*Click*

NEW MARVEL POLICY: ‘WE WILL ONLY PRODUCE FILMS WITH A NUMBER IN TITLE’

NEW YORK – Marvel has announced that from now on they will only produce films which have a number in the title (or a colon), because they have ‘got tired of the demands of originality’ and it makes their collective ‘heads thobbing! Can’t THHINKKKK!’

Their current platform will not be affected at all. Iron Man 3 is due out next year, which will see Robert Downey Jr continuing his protracted break from acting. Everyone is eagerly anticipating Thor 2 or something. Captain America 2 is also planned along with The Avengers 2, or as it will be called in the UK The Avengers Reassemble.

Studio Exec asked Joey Sclerosis – head of innovation at Marvel – What happens if you come up with a new idea?


‘What? Like Hulk? or Black Widow? or Something like that? Sheesh, easy peasy. We just call it Hulk 3 or Black Widow 2 and then we do a prequel later called Black Widow 1.’


And Pepper Potts, the stand alone Gwyneth Paltrow film?


‘Are you high? That’s never going to happen. We just did that as part of her contract negotiation. That ain’t gonna happen.’


No?


‘BAM, no, THWOCK, you hear me? WALLOP!’


Erm…okay.


GWYNETH PALTROW GETS STAND ALONE AVENGERS MOVIE: PEPPER POTTS

HOLLYWOOD – The Avengers stable is fairly full with stand alone sequels to Thor and Captain America already in the pipeline, as well as Iron Man 3 and a re-imagined Hulk. But move over because an overlooked character from the franchise is due to get her own movie: Pepper Potts.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s character has so far appeared in the two Iron Man movies and the Joss Whedon movie The Avengers, but at first glance appears an unlikely character to sustain an entire feature by herself. Paltrow shakes her head vigorously as she rips into a kebab.

‘No, no, you see that’s where you are wrong,’ said the Head in the Box. ‘So far we’ve only really seen Pepper bring Tony Stark coffee and be his secretary that he flirts with and occasionally get captured to give him something to do in the last act, but this movie will be an opportunity to explore how she makes the coffee, what kind of software she is using, does she have a cat? All those questions will be answered.’

Industry observer, Ellie Parkins said that what is really behind this is a gesture to another actress who had apparently asked for a raise. ‘This is just one big fuck you to Scarlett Johansson,’ says Parkins. ‘Marvel always do this, but who knows, Pepper Potts might not be a complete crock, maybe.’

Pepper Potts is due out sometime in 2016.