PEOPLE WITH VAGINAS ALSO FUNNY, HOLLYWOOD LEARNS

HOLLYWOOD – It was revealed today that people with vaginas can also be funny.

The release of the female led Ghostbusters reboot has taken everyone by surprise. The new film starring Kate McKinnon, Leslie Jones, Kristen Wiig and Melissa McCarthy has been warmly received, despite a bunch of dicks trying to do down its IMDb score, because they’re … well … dicks.

Industry analyst Xavier Poulis told the Studio Exec:

This idea that people with vaginas can be funny is not actually a new thing. In the past we had some great film comediennes like Madeline Kahn, Bernadette Peters, Diane Keaton and Goldie Hawn to name but four. However, there has always been a prevailing idea in the big studios that men are funnier than women and that’s what the public want to see. But now with Tina Fey, Sarah Silverman, Amy Poehler, Amy Schumer and Melissa McCarthy consistently bringing in high end critical and commercial successes to the big screen. There needs to be a rethink.

Where does this leave people with penises?

Also we have to look at the other side of the ledger. People with penises. Penii. Okay those. Adam Sandler, Kevin Hart, Kevin James, increasingly Will Ferrell and Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, Robert deNiro, James Franco, Seth Rogen… maybe it’s time to consider the idea that people with penises aren’t so equipped for comedy. Especially since the frat boy idea of gross out comedy took the ascendancy and became essentially the only comedy we see these days.

Ghostbusters is in theaters.

FIRST IMAGE OF KANYE WEST IN ANGEL HEART 2

HOLLYWOOD – The first image of Alan Parker’s Angel Heart 2 starring Kanye West was released onto the internet today.

Although he hasn’t made a film for almost a decade, Alan Parker is filming a follow up to his 1987 supernatural thriller Angel Heart, provisionally entitled Angel Heart 2.

Alan Parker spoke with the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

We left Angel Heart on a natural finish point. I felt there was a satisfying twist and I didn’t feel any need to revisit it. But Kanye West is a huge fan and we began to talk one evening after a gala screening of the Road to Wellville (and yes they do have them) and we got to talk about what happened to the baby.

What happened to the baby?

Yeah, Harry Angel’s kid. Of course, we know that Harry was either executed or serving a life sentence for murder but what happened to the devil child he spawned. That’s when Kanye said, ‘What if he grew up to be me?’angel6

And from small acorns…

Mickey Rourke is on board and Robert deNiro will do a cameo.

And the script?

It’s a collaboration between myself and Kanye. We’re using a lot of his own life, because it does kind of smell of sulfur.

Angel Heart 2 will be released in 2019.

DAVID O. RUSSELL RECASTS THE FIGHTER

HOLLYWOOD – In his continuing effort to tinker with his back catalog, David O. Russell is this week to release a digitally recast version of The Fighter.

The new version of The Fighter will feature Robert deNiro, Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence. Jennifer Lawrence will play the part of Amy Adams, Robert deNiro that of Mark Wahlberg and Bradley Cooper will take on the role of the brother which won Christian Bale a much deserved Oscar. As previously reported, David O. Russell has already produced a critically acclaimed digitally recast version of Three Kings, which caused the New Yorker’s Anthony Lane to write cogently:

It’s like watching a George Clooney film, but with Bradley Cooper in it.

However, O. Russell is getting some blow back, specifically from his old actors who feel they have been unfairly replaced. Christian Bale screamed hoarsely down the phone to the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

 Oh yeah, well done! Recast me, get Bradley f*cking Cooper to play my part! You piece of sh*t. I’m a f*cking professional you f*cking nonce. I sh*t f*cks like you every f*cking day of the week. You globular arseh*le. And another thing don’t you *ucking dare th*nk about t*uching my fucking p*nts.

The Fighter Redux will be released this week.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

DAVID O. RUSSELL DIGITALLY RECASTS THREE KINGS

HOLLYWOOD – Following the success of American Hustle and The Silver Linings Playbook, David O. Russell has announced that he is to digitally recast his old movies, beginning with Three Kings, with Bradley Cooper, Jennifer Lawrence and Robert deNiro.

Three Kings is expected to be only the first of several of Russell’s older works to get the treatment:

Spanking the Monkey and I Heart Huckabees are both films that I would love to see Bob, Bradley and Jen be a part of. They’re such great actors and now that I’ve got them digitally, who wouldn’t want them in your movie?

How did you get them digitally?

It’s a very technical process, but basically you just film them saying all the sounds in the phonetic alphabet and going through a routine of gestures and facial expressions. Was a time it would’ve taken years, but now we can do it in about half an hour. Jennifer Lawrence took seven minutes.

What about the ethics of replacing actors who have performed for you?

Oh, that isn’t a worry. They were paid for their work and if you want to see George Clooney in Three Kings, there’ll be old DVDs knocking around somewhere. But in this version it’s fresh faced Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence instead of Mark Wahlberg. How can you possibly object to that? Plus to create continuity I’m also going to do the Fighter with Jennifer taking over Wahlberg’s role and Bradley Cooper as Christian Bale’s part.

Three Kings: Redux will be released in 2016.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

FIRST POSTER FOR ALL FEMALE GOODFELLAS

HOLLYWOOD – The first poster for Martin Scorsese’s all female Goodfellas was released EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec today, along with the title: GoodBroads.

The news that there would be an all female Goodfellas came through only yesterday, inspired by the wisdom of the New York Post film ‘critic’ Kyle Smith, who claimed that women ‘don’t get Goodfellas’ based on his extensive (and potentially fictional) girlfriend. The poster shows the principal cast members – Jessica Chastain as Henrietta Hill, Meryl Streep in the role of Jemima ‘the Lady’ Conway and comedienne Melissa McCarthy as Tammy DeVito, the role made iconic by Joe Pesci.

Martin Scorsese hand delivered the new poster to the Studio Exec bungalow and had this to say:

Everyone here is very excited about this revisiting of a classic film, but from a new angle. We have a very talented cast and I already have the original cast members signed up to to do cameos. Ray Liotta will play Henrietta’s father, Robert de Niro will appear briefly as Goombah and Joe Pesci will play Tammy’s father, in a role that was played in the original by my mother.

GoodBroads will be released in 2017.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

GRUDGE MATCH PUSHES DE NIRO’S CAREER OVER GOOD/CRAP EQUINOX

NEW YORK – With the release of Grudge MatchRobert De Niro will have made 90 films and will also have definitively passed the good crap equinox of his career with 43 great films and 47 films you wish he hadn’t made.

Committed De Niro watcher Jammy LePlush emerges from a cloud of menthol cigarette smoke to jab a finger at me: ‘It began some say with The Fan, some even point at We’re No Angels or Jack Knife but for me it was Rocky and Bullwinkle, that was the tipping point.’

Two fellows actors who have a lot to do with De Niro’s decline in status from the dangerous actor who was willing to push himself to any limit to produce a marvelous performance to the sleepwalking self-parody of today are Ben Stiller and Billy Crystal, who encouraged De Niro to appear in their ‘comedies’. Jammy adds another name: 

Leonardo diCaprio. Once he caught Marty Scorsese’s eye, that was it.  De Niro was out. You think of the last great performance De Niro gave: Casino back in 1995. Ever since then it’s been a mixture of m’eh and goddam awful.

 Also starring Sylvester Stallone, Grudge Match manages the almost unique feat of actually going back to one of De Niro’s finest films Raging Bull and taking a long curly steaming turd on top of it.

MY FAVORITE FILM: SEAN PENN

HOLLYWOOD – Favorite films gives film makers, actors and famous people the chance to talk about the films that have inspired them to be who they are, do what they do, or simply enjoy an evening out when they’re trying not to go out. This week: Sean Penn.

What’s my favorite film? What a stupid f*cking question. That’s like asking me if I prefer scrambled eggs or poached eggs. I don’t even f*cking like eggs. Wait a minute. I do, I like fried eggs but not on toast they have to be on their own. No salt. 
Tim Robbins, the prick, he likes boiled eggs which just goes to show what kind of man he is. I could have had his role in The Shawshank Redemption. They asked me first but I told them to go f*ck themselves. I wanted him to get struck by lightning as soon as he escaped. That would have been more realistic. He spends twenty years trying to get out and as soon as he does, boom, he gets zapped and the message would have been hope is futile because sh*t happens. I like that. It’s gritty.
 
I’d have gone that way with Batman too. His parents get whacked, all very f*cking tragic and he spends all this time learning to fight crime and making his suit and whatever and the first day he goes out on the job he gets shot in the head. Bang! He’s a vegetable. Spends the rest of his days drooling in his wheelchair and eating baby food through a straw. Alfred puts his head in the oven because the stress of being a full time carer gets too much for him to cope with. That’s art, baby. That’s social f*cking commentary.
 
I used to love De Niro. Taxi Driver, Deer Hunter. Films about men doing manly things. You can smell the f*cking testosterone, but he’s a joke now. A joke without a f*cking punchline. I was on a plane and I caught the Big Wedding. It made me want to vomit so I got the pilot to divert the plane to New York, got off, took a taxi to De Niro’s, knocked on his door and when he answered it, I punched him in the head. I left but then I remembered Righteous Kill so I went back and punched him in the head again. Now I can’t go within 500 yards of the prick. F*ck him. Anyway what was the question, what is my favorite egg?.What a stupid f*cking question. Go f*ck yourself.
 

Sean Penn will star in The Secret Life Of Walter Mitty due for release on Dec 26 2013.