McG DIRECTING HEAT 2

HOLLYWOOD – Several weeks ago Michael Mann announced he has co-written and will be publishing the sequel / prequel novel to his 90s smash hit crime thriller, Heat. Today Mann announced that Charlie’s Angels and Terminator: Salvation director, McG is directing Heat 2. With McG directing Heat 2, we caught up with the controversial director to talk about this surprise announcement.

So, McG Directing Heat 2. How Did You Get That Gig?

Honestly, I have no f**king idea. I was settled in directing shitty TV episodes of whatever, which suited me fine. Then from nowhere, Micky Mann calls me and Badda-bing! I got the gig. Go figure?

What Are Your Plans For Casting?

As I’m sure you know, the book follows Val Kilmer’s character Chris after the events from the original. It also tells the stories of Al’s and Bobby’s characters before we met them in Heat. I’m gonna stick with the same actors for continuity. Marty Scorsese perfected the de-ageing techniques in The Irishman, so I’m just gonna piggy-back on what he did. Easy.

Are You Sure About That? Not Everybody Was Convinced.

F**k them! If it’s good enough for Marty, it’s sure as shit good enough for me. I’m also casting Sam Worthington in it. Not sure who he’s gonna play yet. But I just think he’s one of the most compelling performers we have.

What Else Can You Tell Us About The Movie?

Where the first movie fell down was in the lack of action sequences. Yeah, it had a decent gun battle, but where was all the bullet time? Where were all the hunter-killer robots? That’s what the Heat universe needs. Hey, hang on just one goddam minute. That gives me an idea. We can make this not only a Heat sequel and prequel, but also a prequel to Terminator: Salvation. Sam can reprise his role of Robby The Robot, or whatever the f**k he was in that movie. Maybe we could even get Christian Bale back as John Connor. He had so much fun playing that role.

Are You Sure That Will Fit In With What’s Gone Before?

You have seen my work before, right? Do you think I give a shit about any of that? This is gonna be awesome, baby. YEAH!

Heat 2: Turn Up The Temperature Is Slated For A 2024 Release

DOLMIO: JARED LETO AS SPOKESPERSON

BREAKING NEWS – It will come as no surprise to anyone who has seen Ridley Scott’s House Of Gucci that Dolmio confirmed Jared Leto as their ‘International Spokesperson’ and ‘Pasta Sauce Ambassador’ earlier today. The Exec caught up with the actor and the Mars Incorporated subsidiary Public Relations to find out exactly why Dolmio confirmed Jared Leto as their leading man.

 

Please Tell Us Why Dolmio Confirmed Jared Leto As Their International Spokesperson?

Dolmio PR (DPR): Don’t forget that he’s also our Pasta Sauce Ambassador. We wanted someone who we think can bring our wholesome, great tasting, authentic Italian styled food across to a huge, international consumer base on a global basis, crossing demographics worldwide. So, when we saw House OF Gucci, we just thought Jared was our man from the get-go.

Jared Leto (JL): Plus they’re paying me an obscene amount of money to do so. Far more obscene than anything I’ve ever been alleged to have done with anyone…

DPR: (Whispers in Jared’s ear with their hand over the microphone)

JL: Although I must stress the word alleged. Nobody has managed to prove a fucking thing yet. Out of court settlements baby. YEAH!

Jared, What Attracted You To The Dolmio Brand?

JL: Well, I was prepping for House Of Gucci like a mofo, ya dig? I was snorting lines of arrabbiata sauce. I had olive oil for blood. My skin was parmesan cheese. But I just couldn’t nail the accent down. And then I saw this British sit-com called ‘Allo ‘Allo. Have you seen it? It’s like this hyper-real deal set in France during WWII. There was this Italian soldier called Captain Alberto Bertarelli and his accent was the tits. I tell you man, it was out of this fucking world. I started copying that and badda-bing! Before you know it, I’m like Bobby De Niro, talking Italian. Italy is in my blood now. And of course, don’t forget the money.

What Will You Be Doing For Dolmio?

JL: I’ll be playing a real family man, capiche? I got the accent and dialogue all locked down like a pro. All you have to do is start and finish every word you say with an A. It’s so fucking easy. Here, let me get into character and demonstrate-

DPR: This interview is over.

JL: Whatsamatteryou? Hey? Goddanorespect!

House Of Gucci Is Currently Showing In Cinemas

MICHAEL MANN PLOTS HEAT PREQUEL

HOLLYWOOD – Director Michael Mann talks about his plans for a prequel to his masterpiece Heat.

A Heat Prequel has been a dream for many years. But now it looks like it might actually become a reality. We caught up with Michael Mann on his return from Tokyo where he’d been shooting Tokyo Vice.

Hey Mike so this Heat Prequel is really going to happen.

Don’t call me Mike, asshole. And yeah. I’m really excited about it. Obviously when i work on a film I prefer to concentrate on what I’m doing. But having to stop in the middle of the production one of the only benefits is that it does give you an opportunity to take a look at your career. You sort out your priorities. And so the question of Heat came up once more and I said, why not?

That’s great Mikey. So as a prequel do you have any ideas on casting?

Did you just f*ckin’ call me Mikey? Call me Michael. Have some goddamn respect.

Okay. But casting?

Well, I’m using Robert de Niro to play the Robert de Niro role and Al Pacino to play the Al Pacino role. It’s really that simple.

But M&M, surely if this is a prequel they’ll be too old for those roles. 

That’s what we thought as well and then I saw what marty did in The Irishman and I’ve always been passionate about using digital technology to ruin perfectly good movies – did you see Public Enemies? – so I guessed why not do it again. We’ll deage them both and they’ll be perfect. The only problem is trying to get a story that can involve them, but they won’t meet. They have to meet in that very first encounter in the diner otherwise it doesn’t make sense. Did you call me M&M?

Like Michael Mann. M&M.

That doesn’t even make sense. It sounds like Eminem.

So Manfred, will the rest of the cast remain the same?

What’s so f*ckin difficult about calling me Michael?

The cast Mickey, Mikey, Michelangelo, Mr M. The Mann Show, Mannequin, The Mann from UNCLE?

Yes. No I mean. Yes for some of them. We want to get Tom Sizemore back and we tested him with the deaging and it looks okay. But Val Kilmer… we tried but smoke came out of the machine and something went pop!

You da Mann. 

Okay, I’m f*ckin out here!

 The Heat Prequel will begin filming in 2021.

ALEC BALDWIN DIES IN FLAMES WHEN CELEBRITY ROAST MALFUNCTIONS

HOLLYWOOD – Alec Baldwin engulfed in a ball of fire at Celebrity Roast.

Actor and celebrity parking space puncher Alec Baldwin disappeared in a sheet of flame when a special effect on his celebrity roast malfunctioned. The stench of roasting human hair and flesh filled the studio as the audience of celebrities and well wishers cheered and applauded, ignorant of the fire that was even then literally roasting the Glengarry Glen Ross star to death.

Robert de Niro who was sat close by told the Studio Exec:

It was … wow. I mean… that was this heat. Incredible heat. Of course, human fat is highly flammable and Alec was never slender. Boom he went up and that hair lacquer he always uses. Boom.

Despite Alec’s untimely conflagration Comedy Central declared the boradcast a hit with some of there best figures of the season.

Jim Carrey will be roasted alive next.

47 FILMS: 59. THE KING OF COMEDY

In our increasingly innumerate series of 47 films to see before death, we present Martin Scorsese’s The King of Comedy.

Martin Scorsese’s The King of Comedy is an amazing film. Decades before The Office made cringe comedy a recognizable form Scorsese’s film was up there. Robert De Niro plays Rupert Pupkin, a wannabe comedian who kidnaps a real life talk show host played Jerry, by Jerry Lewis with the help of deranged fan Sandra Bernhard. Before we get anywhere near that, Pupkin tries to waylay Jerry, diving into his car, preparing a comedy tape and stalking him in his office. All the while, he indulges in a fantasy life where Jerry is a great friend and it is Rupert who gets hassled in restaurants for his autograph.

De Niro has never been better, especially because this places him outside of the cool movie star image that roles in Godfather Part Two had placed him. Yes, Travis Bickle might be a dysfunctional psycho but he looks like De Niro and gets a date with Cybil Shepherd. Rupert is absolutely delusional but his naivety is also pitiable and human. He has a constant fund of optimism that persists no matter what the circumstances are. And the genius of the movie is that he isn’t a bad comedian. He’s actual got quite an astute line in observational comedy.

And his act isn’t an imitation of Jerry’s but there’s something in there that is painful and autobiographical. But that’s assuming the act we see at the end of the movie is not just another part of the delusion. Incidentally, I don’t think it is. This is why Rupert and the film insists on us watching it in a bar with other witnesses. Rupert needs to assure himself other people have seen it. The ultimate validation.

Cancer

There are moments of comic genius. Sandra Bernhard’s hilarious nut job and her sweater she knits for Jerry. The home invasion Rupert perpetrates. The fan who upset at Jerry turns on a nickel from adoring to shouting ‘You should only get cancer’, suggested by Lewis himself and based on a real experience. And it is Jerry Lewis’ film also. Quietly, we get a portrait of an almost silent man, utterly alienated and lonely, twisted by the bitter need to stay top dog while utterly distrustful of his fans and everyone around him. The tragic irony is that Jerry seems a better person in Rupert’s fantasies as well. And even though he is in the position Rupert is aiming for, Jerry is utterly miserable.

Coming out in 1982, The King of Comedy flopped. The tag line – This is no laughing matter – exactly summed up the uncomfortable tragicomedy of embarrassment. It was a style no one was ready for yet. But its savage satire on celebrity culture seems more prescient with each passing year.

For more of our 47 Films to see before you’re murdered in your dreams CLICK HERE.

BILL STILLER SENTENCED TO THREE YEARS IN PRISON

NEW YORK – A judge sentenced Ben Stiller to three years in prison.

Ben Stiller – star of The Secret Life of Walter Mitty and Zoolander 2 – will start a three year prison sentence in March, 2019. This follows sentencing in New York on multiple charges. A court found Mr Stiller guilty of tax evasion and campaign finance violations. The sentence however was relatively light due to cooperation with the office of Special Prosecutor Robert De Niro. Although not named in court, ‘individual 1’ is a veiled reference to Alec Baldwin, president since 2016.

Mr. Stiller’s lawyer Owen Wilson told the Studio Exec:

My client has come out of a tunnel. We thought nothing could be darker than when he did Cable Guy, but this was an even harder time for Mr. Stiller. Now, however, we are ready once Mr. De Niro has finished his investigation to tell the truth about Baldwin and all his crimes.

Alec Baldwin has so far been uncharacteristically quiet on Twitter, but earlier had called out his former lawyer as a ‘weak man’ who was ‘only good in The Royal Tenenbaums and nothing else.’

Meanwhile the De Niro investigation continues and many close to the special prosecutor’s office say that he is now very interested in talking to anyone involved in what is being called the car parking conspiracy.

The case will continue in 2019.

JOHN OLIVER PUNCHES DUSTIN HOFFMAN IN THE FACE

NEW YORK – John Oliver and Dustin Hoffman got into a massive fight in New York last night.

John Oliver, the Host of Last Week Tonight, was hosting a panel to celebrate the 20th anniversary of the 1997 film Wag the Dog, when suddenly he launched an all out assault on The Graduate actor Dustin Hoffman. The discussion had turned to claims of harassment with British TV host unimpressed by Hoffman’s justifications. Before anyone knew what was happening, Oliver launched himself across the room and tackled Hoffman, knocking the 80 year old actor to the ground.

Hoffman however came up fast and bit off a piece of Oliver’s ear, spitting the blow stained gristle into the audience, which was now baying like frenzied beasts. Robert De Niro then punched Barry Levinson in the face for no reason whatsoever. The two were soon at it like a pair of old heavy weights, not that dissimilar from De Niro’s 2013 comedy Grudge Match. Members of the audience began to join in. Seats rained down onto the stage. As the veteran Tootsie star and Oliver continued to pound lumps out of each other.

In the midst of the violence, the bigger issues seemed to have forgotten, which is: has it really been 20 years since Wag the Dog?

John Oliver will be presenting the Oscars.

 

ROBERT DE NIRO MAKES BEST FILM IN YEARS

NEW YORK – Robert De Niro’s new film is the best in years and will make you forgive him for Dirty Grandpa and Meet the Fockers.

Grudge Match was awful, as was Meet the Fockers and a whole list of other woeful comedies. But this new film is equal to Taxi Driver, Raging Bull, Godfather Part II, The Mission, Goodfellas. Welcome back Bobby. We missed you.

 

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT CHRISTOPHER WALKEN

HOLLYWOOD – Everyone knows Christopher Walken, right? Wrong.

Gasp as Studio Exec rips apart the detritus of dumb that surrounds this once fine actor with the hooks and pulleys of factual truth.

1. Christopher Walken did NOT kill Natalie Wood.

2. If Christopher Walken can’t make it to a wedding or someone’s birthday he sends Alan Arkin and usually no one notices.   

3. There was a time before 1987, that Christopher Walken played ‘characters’.

4. Christopher Walken’s ring tone is ‘It’s Raining Men’ by the Weather Girls.

5. The original script of The Deer Hunter had the main characters forced to play Twister but Walken suggested it would be more dramatic if they had to play Russian Roulette. Robert De Niro was against the idea as he had been playing Twister for months in preparation for the role, but he later credited Walken with having saved the movie.  

For more FACTS on everything from this to that click HERE! 

47 FILMS: 34. ANGEL HEART

In our continuing series of ’47 Films to see before you’re murdered in your dreams’, we look at Alan Parker’s Voodoo Noir Angel Heart.

The Eighties were fascinated by the Fifties. There were chart-topping reissues of Wonderful World, there were Levi adverts and in movies Stand By Me, Diner and Back to the Future played on an ever hungry nostalgia for the period. Even Billy Joel revived his career with doo-wop ditty Uptown Girl. But for me the best take on the era came from one time British commercials director Alan Parker. His dark noirish fantasy begins in a wonderfully realized 1955 New York, with Mickey Rourke as Harry Angel, a gum shoe with a sleazy commitment to his job, permanent stubble and a thing about chickens. Hired by Louis Cyphre (Robert de Niro) to find dance band crooner Johnny Favorite, Harry finds himself roughed up and bounced from Harlem to the bayous of Louisiana as his quest takes in fortune tellers, evangelicals, good old boys, corrupt cops and practitioners in the dark arts. Haunted by fearsome dreams of an elevator, the Private Eye only just manages to keep on top of things, but when he also falls for Evangeline Proudfoot (Lisa Bonet) you know things are going to get bloody.

Parker consistently made beautiful grim looking films. No one does grit quite as well in commercial cinema. Far less fond of the sheen than compatriot Ridley Scott, Parker also made consistently downbeat films, from the nightmarish view of a Turkish prison in Midnight Express, to the dirty end of fame in … well Fame, even when he made a kids movie, it was a weirdly filthy gangster pic – Bugsy Malone was a musical to boot.

Angel Heart is possibly his best film. The performances are terrific, with great cameos from Charlotte Rampling, Brownie McGhee and Robert de Niro himself, and a towering Mickey Rourke in his disheveled gone to seed perfection. Alongside Rumblefish, the best performance of his tragically curtailed career. With a haunting theme by Trevor Jones, those saxophones played by Courtney Pine, Angel Heart is the cool noir to set aside Blade Runner as the most inventive reinventions of the genre.

For more of our ’47 Films to see Before you are Murdered in your Dreams’ Click Here.

47 FILMS: 26. BRAZIL

HOLLYWOOD – In the latest in our series of 47 Films You Have to See Before You Are Murdered in Your Dreams, we look at Terry Gilliam’s suitably nutty Brazil.

Sam Lowry (Jonathan Pryce) is an unambitious man working his humdrum job in records, dealing with a fully automated home where everything malfunctions and living happily enough in a society plagued terrorist attacks and an authoritarian regime that suppresses all freedom.  Like Hamlet, he would be happy ‘were it not that I have bad dreams’.  Okay. Sam’s dreams are a Mitty like escape from the fearful drudgery that surrounds him. He is a winged knight forever rescuing the fair maiden, but it is this which will get him in so much trouble when he meets his fantasy in the form of real life trucker Jill (Kim Greist). This leads him to accept the promotion his mother (Katherine Helmond) has finagled to Information Retrieval.

Brazil presents perhaps the most successful cinematic version of George Orwell’s 1984 – there are several direct references in the film. However, Gilliam’s dystopia is not only oppressive by design but arbitrarily incompetent. The whole course of events starts with a typo, the ghost in the machine is a squashed fly. The ludicrous – rogue plumbers who actually fix things on time are considered terrorists, socialites compete on who can have the most radical plastic surgery – mix with the horrifying. There’s something dreadful in Sam’s fate as he is essentially a little boy, cosseted by his mother and who has never questioned the world in which he lives, as he races whooping towards a confrontation with forces he doesn’t understand. Pryce is perfect in the role. And the cameos are all pitch perfect grotesques. Gilliam’s fellow Python, Michael Palin is excellent as Sam’s cheery peer, a friendly torturer who is as much fascinated by office politics as he is committed to his own gruesome efficiency; Bob Hoskins as Spoor, the government plumber and Robert de Niro as Tuttle, the rogue plumber.

Gilliam’s visual sense creates a detailed and visually striking world, the creaking 1940s technology of tubes and ducts. Tom Stopard co-screenwriter is on hand to give the same detail to the language of euphemism and coercion that dominates the film. Or the deputy minister Helpman (Peter Vaughn) with his endless supply of sporting metaphors. Read the posters in the background – ‘Don’t Suspect a Friend, Report Him!’

Brazil was Gilliam’s masterpiece and the troubles he had making the film and getting it distributed set him on a trajectory of awkwardness for years to come, but frankly it was worth it.

For more of our 47 Films Click Here.

AL PACINO TO JOIN ROBERT DENIRO FOR DIRTY GRANDPA 2

HOLLYWOOD – Veteran Hollywood actor Al Pacino is to join Robert de Niro for Dirty Grandpa 2: Dirty Grandpas according to a statement issued today.

Al Pacino and Robert de Niro have teamed up in the past: the generational drama of The Godfather Part 2 and the diner confrontation in Heat being particular highlights. However, they are set to break box office records with their new comic pairing Dirty Grandpa 2: Dirty Grandpas.

Al Pacino popped into the Studio Exec Jacuzzi Spa last night to give us the gist:

Any chance I get to work with Bob, I take it. I’ve always admired his work and our careers have taken some might say parallel paths, only occasionally meeting.  When I saw Dirty Grandpa, I shouted ‘Whoa! Whoa! Hoo-har!’ because this was something I hadn’t seen for a while. Genuinely breaking new ground. People say Bob is sliding downhill, but it isn’t true, he’s looking around him at the culture and he’s making what he sees as the keystone of the culture. In the seventies that was Taxi Driver and Godfather Part 2, in the eighties it was Once Upon a Time in America and Raging Bull and now for the millennials he’s making Dirty Grandpa. If you don’t like it, don’t blame Bob. He’s just following the zeitgeist. As indeed am I.

Will you be joining him also in some David O. Russell films?

Please! Do I look absolutely desperate?

Zac Efron will also reprise his role as Jim, or Jason or whoever; and Dan Mazer will return to direct. John Phillips will once more be writing the ‘script’.

Dirty Grandpa 2: Dirty Grandpas will be released in 2018.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

DIRTY GRANDPA NOT AS GOOD AS RAGING BULL

HOLLYWOOD – The internet was shocked today to learn that Robert de Niro’s new film Dirty Grandpa is ‘not as good as Raging Bull.’

Film critics have almost unanimously asserted that the comedy starring Robert de Niro and Zac Efron – Dirty Grandpa – is not as good as Raging Bull.

Xavier Poulis of the World Film Critics Association was not alone in expressing his disappointment.

It’s really galling. Every time we go to a new Robert de Niro film we think this time it’s going to be great. This one is going to be the one that really knocks it out of the park, but it’s not even nearly as good as Raging Bull. It’s almost as if it’s terrible. I don’t know how this has happened.

Variety, The Hollywood Reporter, Deadline, The New Yorker, The New York Times, The LA Times, Slash Film and the UK Guardian all took the unprecedented step of issuing a joint statement.

Robert de Niro’s film Dirty Grandpa is not as good as Raging Bull, this much is clear. But what the public should know before they go and see this picture, is that it is not as good as The Deer Hunter either, nor The Godfather Part 2, nor Once Upon a Time in America, nor The King of Comedy, nor Goodfellas, nor Casino. It isn’t even as good as Cape Fear, We’re No Angels and Midnight Run. It’s not as good as Angel Heart or A Bronx Tale. So by all means go and see it, but don’t expect to see anything like what Mr. De Niro has provided in the past. Except perhaps Meet the Parents, Meet the Fockers etc.

Strangely, DirtyGrandpa has been hailed in France as Robert De Niro’s best film ever because of ‘post-modernism’.

Bad Grandpa is out now.

ROBERT DE NIRO RELEASES SERBIAN FOLK ALBUM

SERBIA – Former actor Robert De Niro – last seen in 1987 in Alan Parker’s Angel Heart – has sensationally returned to the entertainment world; but not as we know it!

Now performing under the stage name Mija Aleksic, the artist formerly known as Robert De Niro is set to take the Eastern European folk charts by storm with his heady mix of suggestive lyrics and thumping rural soundscapes. His debut album Seksi Keks (translation: Sexy Bare Bum Cheeks of the Lady in the Waterfall) is already causing waves in the industry with pre-release vinyl orders going through the barn roof! Speaking from his humble farmhouse recording studio, Aleksic spoke to Studio Exec about the inspiration behind the new album:

It’s a political album at heart, but also a love letter to the people of this complicated and changeable region of the world. On the eve that Kosovo struck for independence, the germ of the album took seed and it’s grown and flowered into this undergrowth of expression that I hope will spread to all my brothers across the former Kingdom of Yugoslavia. There’s also a strong current of sexy bum, which I think will have Pan-European appeal.

How do you think the album will translate to your American fans?

I have a song called The Mighty Condor which is about the story of a boy born of a village whore and a monkey, the boy grows to become a great hero and single handedly saves the harvest from the raiding parties of the Blue Faced Mean Ones. It’s universal. There’s a verse where he sees a sexy bum through a crack in a grain cart.

Seksi Keks will be available by mail order in the Spring.