ANDERSON WILL DIRECT AYOADE IN QUIRKMAGEDDON

MOVIE NEWS – The king of whimsy has shelved plans for another Roald Dahl movie in favor of a more personal project. Wes Anderson will direct Ayoade in Quirkmageddon, which will be a meta-documentary or ‘documetary’ as Anderson insists on calling it. We caught up with the auteur of aloof Anderson, to discuss this latest project.

Wes Anderson Will Direct Ayoade? How Did That Happen?

Yo listen up Miles. I is gonna throw fo sho truth bombs at ya. Know what I’m saying? I was just chillin’ and illin’ with my man Murray B and he was all up in ma grill. ‘He was like, ‘Yo yo W-A-W-A’, he calls me that. It stands for Wes Anderson With Attitude. He said, ‘Look man, word on the street is yo trippin’ with another R Dahl joint, know what I’m saying?’ And then he’s all, ‘Don’t be messin’ with all that shizzle, bro. Meta is where it’s at mofo.’

I See

Fuckin’ A bro. That’s right, ya dig? My main man Billy Mur-ray had my back. He was like, ‘Don’t be messin’ with that British shizzle. You gots to keep it fresh, wicki-wicki-wa-waa.’ And then it hit me like a bolt of electric. I could see the future man. It was meta. I had to make a documentary about not making no Roald Dahl piece of shit. But it’s meta documentary, a documetary! Man, sometimes I amaze even myself, you know what I’m saying?

 

How Did Richard Ayoade Become Involved?

He’s the coolest kid on the block man. He’s the whack-daddy. You know what I’m saying? I mean, I can’t understand a fucking word that comes outta his mouth, you know what I’m saying? He’s all, quirky this and quirky that. Look at my corduroys man. It’s sexy as shit, you know what I’m saying? Imagine him, my man Billy Mur-ray and that goofy fuckin kid Chalamet all in the same movie. Damn man, that is some fried chicken movie heaven right there.

Wes Anderson Will Direct Ayoade in Quirkmageddon Soon.

TIM BURTON’S ROALD DAHL-NIVERSE ANNOUNCED

HOLLYWOOD – Warner Bros have announced the creation of Tim Burton’s Roald Dahl-niverse.

Tim Burton’s Roald Dahl-niverse will build a whole cinematic universe where all of the author’s beloved characters will live. The Exec caught up with Warner’s Creative Executive Vice President, Gillian Gekko who told us more.

Gillian, can you tell us more about Tim’s vision for this cinematic universe?

Sure, Miles. But let me just say what a lovely bungalow you have here.

Thanks.

You’re welcome. Look, sweety. I’m gonna level with you. I’m gonna need a line or two, before I can talk about this. Do you mind?

No, not at all. Be my guest.

You’re a treasure. Just one shake of a lambs tail and *SNORTS*. FUCKIN BOO YA! THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKIN’ ABOUT. OH MERCY. Right. Let’s do this. So we’ve given Tim Burton a fuck ton load of money to make this shit ship sail. First off, he’s making a prequel to Danny The Champion Of The World. It’s basically gonna be a 2 hour porno where Danny gets conceived. Michael Fassbender is playing his father, William. Because, you know, that boy got game. You know what I mean. He’s calling it Willy, Champion Of Rockin’ The World.

Oh my.

I shit you not. Then Tim’s exec producing The Fuck Wits. It’s a prequel to The Twits. Think Natural Born Killers meets Dumb and Dumber. It’s going to be directed by Lars Von Trier. A real exploitation kill-fest of a road movie. Then to end phase one, Asia Argento is directing The School Of Witches, the prequel to The Witches. It’ll take place in a European Witches’ finishing school, where someone keeps bumping off young witches.

They sounds quite… ambitious.

Oh yeah. You wouldn’t believe the amount of acid Burton gets through when he’s writing. It’s insane. Puts me to shame, and I’ve outlasted all the big hitters, Led Zep, The Stones, Frank Bough and Betty White. But him? Sheesh. Where do you think the phrase ‘Gone for a Burton’ comes from? He can hoover up anything. Is that picture hung straight? I don’t think it is. Let me straighten it for you. Have you got a spirit level? Do you wanna do some meth?

Um, Gillian, thank you for your time.

The Roald Dahl-niverse launches shortly.

LUCA GUADAGNINO TO REMAKE JAMES AND THE GIANT PEACH

HOLLYWOOD – Call Me By Your Name director Luca Guadagnino signs on to remake Roald Dahl’s James and the Giant Peach.

Italian hemler Luca Guadagnino is currently remaking Dario Argento’s Suspiria and there are reports of a Call Me By Your Name 2, but today he announced his next film: James and the Giant Peach. He spoke EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec and had this to say:

I’m in love with fruit. What can I say? I think it’s gorgeous. And I love the idea of this film. Because peaches, they’re my favorite fruit. They have skin that is as soft as velvet and they are so round and sensuous.

Although a stop motion adaptation of the book came out in 1996, Guadagnino’s film is going to be live action.

I want to see a real boy going into that peach. Penetrating its soft flesh. And then there are adventures of all sorts but he always returns to the peach, coming back into it again and again.

But surely this is a children’s film?

No. [Laughs filthily] No, is not for children. No way. No way at all.

James and the Giant Peach comes out in 2020.