SOUTHPAW – REVIEW: Rocky 5 without the intellectual heft: Donnie Darko punches people, but when his True Detective Season 2 wife is killed Donnie feels like the Prince of Persia and needs the Ghost Dog Butler to help him buck his ideas up.

Boxing movies are weird because essentially boxing is one of those things which is chronically dull and violent, outside of the movie theater. With the one exception that proves the rule – Muhammad Ali – boxers are generally nasty pieces of work without the wit or will to say anything interesting. Jake Gyllenhaal plays Billy (The Great White) Hope, a light heavy weight fighter who is at the top of his game but with the encouragement of his wife Maureen (Rachel McAdams) has one eye on the door before he gets his ticket to Palookaville. They have a little daughter who is just lovely.

When his wife gets killed in a confusing and weird scene, Billy goes to pieces, loses everything including his mansion and daughter and must start once more from the bottom. He goes to an old gym where he finds old trainer Tick Wills (Forest Whitaker) and begins his arduous climb back to the big time.

Gyllenhaal, it has to be said, is excellent, but one wishes that Antoine Fuqua (nominative determinism anyone?) had put as much dedication into the picture as his lead. Fuqua loves his aerial shots of a city at night and he uses them with televisual regularity. The fights are well done but the story is so predictable as to be almost infuriating. The manager played by 50 Cent is so worthless that one of the other characters predicts his worthlessness a good twenty minutes before it proves to be so. The villainous fighter is an actual villain. Even Rocky had the good sense to see that Apollo Creed’s villainy was pantomime and to deconstruct it into a gay love affair by Rocky III. Nope, Billy’s Columbian rival Escobar (Jesus!) is as slimy as his namesake, with a skanky missus (Rita Ora) to boot and everything is strictly by the numbers. We have the training session, the inspired youngster, the trainer’s grumpiness acceding to respect and a seriousness of tone, totally out of keeping with the thin fare on offer.

There are more good boxing movies than there are good boxing matches – check out John Huston’s Fat City – but rather than light heavy weight, Southpaw is more bantam.

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HOLLYWOOD – New guidelines on how to watch Fifty Shades of Grey have published.

Fifty Shades of Grey Watching Guide:

1. Sit comfortably in the cinema.

2. Take the blindfold out of your trouser pocket where it will have been warmed by your excitement.

3. Position the blindfold over your eyes and then tie the knot tight. No peeking. Tight I said. Owch, that’s too tight. Okay that’s Okay.

4. Oh wait, they might have some good trailers. Take the blindfold off.

5. Nope, adverts. Put it back on again.

6. Now there are trailers. They might have the one for Mad Max: Fury Road or The Force Awakens.

7. The movie is beginning. Reposition the blindfold.

8. Take the earplugs out of your pocket where they will be moist from the melted chocolate bar you forgot was in there.

9. Put them in your ears. That’s right. In. Deep. Uh huh! Okay. Can you hear me? No of course you can’t I could say anything. You smell like a wet badger. Did you hear that? I don’t care if you did. Did it hurt your feelings? I don’t care. I am the MASTER.

10. Once the film is over, think about the ten dollars you paid for your ticket and you didn’t even get to see the film did you? Ow! That hurts! Think about it again. Ow. And again. Again. Ahhhhhhhh.

Fifty Shades of Grey is out.