OCEAN’S EIGHT RUINS MAN’S EARLY MIDDLE AGE

ALASKA – The new female led Oceans film – Ocean’s Eight – has ruined a man’s early middle age, it was revealed today.

The 2017 remake of the 2001 remake of the 1960 Frank Sinatra relatively uninspired rat pack movie Ocean’s Eight will star Sandra Bullock in the Danny Ocean role as well as Cate Blanchett, Helena Bonham Carter and Mindy Kalin. Joining the cast will possibly be Rihanna and Anne Hathaway. However, the news has been greeted with despair by some fans of the original remake.

Richard LeComte Mets fan and theatre critic told the Studio Exec:

I was forty three when the original film came out. I remember queuing to see it with my first wife. We both like George Clooney and Brad Pitt for obviously different reasons. And we thought of Matt Damon as that promising young actor from Good Will Hunting and not the monster he has become. So the impact on my middle age can’t be overstated. It was vitally important in making me the man I would become a decade and a half later. And to have that film ruined again. After it was already ruined by Ocean’s 12 and 13 is just more than I can bear. I mean… women. What’s gotten into them?

Ocean’s Eight will be in cinemas in 2017.

BLUES BROTHERS 3: JACK BLACK AND BEN STILLER HIT THE ROAD

HOLLYWOOD – Jack Black and Ben Stiller are putting on the suits, the hats and the sunglasses to play one of the most iconic pairings in movie comedy ever formed: The Blues Brothers 3.

Following a lackluster sequel in 1999 – Blues Brothers 2000 – starring Dan Aykroyd and John Goodman, this time around the comedy genius of a new generation is going to be applied to the story of Jake and Elwood Blues. Studio Exec’s recent columnist Jack Black spoke exclusively to the site:

It’s so exciting, because I don’t know if you know this, but I really dig my music – what with Tenacious D and all. So here I will be doing comedy and music together.

Are you at all nervous about following John Belushi’s lead?

Oh no. Listen, I’m not playing Jake. I’m playing Elwood. Ben Stiller is going to play Jake.

Oh, right.

Yeah. This is how we’re going to mix it up. You see everyone will think I’ll be playing Jake because I’m you know a little heavy. But when we appear on screen and the audience realize I’m actually playing Elwood… They’re going to have a heart attack they’ll be laughing so hard.  

What songs are you going to be singing?

Time has passed and Blues is no longer carrying the cultural cachet it once did. So we’re going to be more into Rn’B: Whitney Houston, Gloria Estafan, we’re hoping to get Rihanna and Beyoncé on board as well.

That sounds…

Keeping it real.

The Blues Brothers 3: Gettin’ Funky Witcha will be released in 2017.

DONALD TRUMP MAKES AMERICA GREAT AGAIN

NEW YORK – Donald Trump has already gone some way to fulfilling his promise to make America great again, having bought Gerry Beckley and Dewey Bunnell new guitars.

The front-runner for the Republican nomination and former reality star Donald Trump today announced that he had already begun to make 1970s rock group America great again, thus beginning to fulfill a central campaign promise. He came over to Exec Tower to tell us what was going on:

We’ve bought them new guitars. They’re beautiful guitars. I’ve talked to my good friend Billy Joel and he along with Huey Lewis and perhaps Cyndi Lauper if she’s not on the rag are all going to write some new songs for the boys. We want America out there performing new material. Not just rotting away on the nostalgia circuit churning out the old hits ‘A Horse with no Name’ and ‘Ventura Highway’.

But when you said you were going to make America great again, you were referring to the country?

What country? America’s a continent for a start so that doesn’t make sense. And it’s a continent that includes Mexico. You think it’s my job to make Mexico – the country where rape is a Saturday afternoon sport – better again? Is that what you’re saying?

I suppose not.

I was very clear. And Now people will see that even before I’m president I’m making changes. We’ve bought the boys new guitars, I have top stylists changing their look. They can do a single with Rihanna and Kanye West, if he’s not busy looking after his compass family. America will be great again and it will all be to my credit, because as well as being a businessman of intense and articulate intelligence, I am also a rock Svengali.

Donald Trump is due to be president in 2017.

DARDENNE BROTHERS QUIT MOVIES FOR ‘MORE BOOTY’

BELGIUM – Belgian directors Jean-Pierre and Luc Dardenne have announced their retirement from feature film directing in order to concentrate on their music video work with the top slice of female singing talent.

The two time Cannes winners first came to international recognition with their slice of life dramas such as Rosetta and L’Enfant, which focussed on the lives of marginal members of society. However, more recently they have been experimenting in short form musical videos, and has led to them being hired by some of the most famous pop artists in the world including Miley Cyrus for whom they created the ‘Wrecking Ball’ video and Jennifer Lopez’s forthcoming ‘Booty’ video featuring Iggy Azalea.

Jean-Pierre spoke EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec about their decision:

The idea has been with us for some time. We like filming beautiful women moving to music. It’s so refreshing after all that dreary stuff we usually do about immigrants. When we made Two Days, One Night with Marion Coutilard, we were hoping that at least we’d get some superstar magic but it was still fairly depressing stuff. This way we won’t have to deal with working class people any more who – I can tell you this now quite frankly – are the most dreadful people. Utterly, utterly horrid.

 But won’t many of your fans be disappointed?

Oh, f*ck them. If they’re so mad keen on the poor and huddled masses let them get up early in the morning and hunt around for a boy and his bicycle to film in a pseudo documentary style.

What will your next project be?

We have a whole bunch line up. Rihanna wants us to work together again because we had such good fun with her and Shakira when we did ‘Can’t remember to Forget You’ and we simply have to work with Katy Perry. She is so wonderful. Beautiful and a great sense of humor.

The Dardennes Brothers’ final feature film Ariana Grande Goes Bananas will be released in 2015.