BREAKING NEWS – It will come as no surprise to anyone who has seen Ridley Scott’s House Of Gucci that Dolmio confirmed Jared Leto as their ‘International Spokesperson’ and ‘Pasta Sauce Ambassador’ earlier today. The Exec caught up with the actor and the Mars Incorporated subsidiary Public Relations to find out exactly why Dolmio confirmed Jared Leto as their leading man.
Please Tell Us Why Dolmio Confirmed Jared Leto As Their International Spokesperson?
Dolmio PR (DPR): Don’t forget that he’s also our Pasta Sauce Ambassador. We wanted someone who we think can bring our wholesome, great tasting, authentic Italian styled food across to a huge, international consumer base on a global basis, crossing demographics worldwide. So, when we saw House OF Gucci, we just thought Jared was our man from the get-go.
Jared Leto (JL): Plus they’re paying me an obscene amount of money to do so. Far more obscene than anything I’ve ever been alleged to have done with anyone…
DPR: (Whispers in Jared’s ear with their hand over the microphone)
JL: Although I must stress the word alleged. Nobody has managed to prove a fucking thing yet. Out of court settlements baby. YEAH!
Jared, What Attracted You To The Dolmio Brand?
JL: Well, I was prepping for House Of Gucci like a mofo, ya dig? I was snorting lines of arrabbiata sauce. I had olive oil for blood. My skin was parmesan cheese. But I just couldn’t nail the accent down. And then I saw this British sit-com called ‘Allo ‘Allo. Have you seen it? It’s like this hyper-real deal set in France during WWII. There was this Italian soldier called Captain Alberto Bertarelli and his accent was the tits. I tell you man, it was out of this fucking world. I started copying that and badda-bing! Before you know it, I’m like Bobby De Niro, talking Italian. Italy is in my blood now. And of course, don’t forget the money.
What Will You Be Doing For Dolmio?
JL: I’ll be playing a real family man, capiche? I got the accent and dialogue all locked down like a pro. All you have to do is start and finish every word you say with an A. It’s so fucking easy. Here, let me get into character and demonstrate-
DPR: This interview is over.
JL: Whatsamatteryou? Hey? Goddanorespect!
House Of Gucci Is Currently Showing In Cinemas
Hollywood – The movie world is reeling today after Al Pacino removed glasses from his eyes upon the heartless instructions of blood thirsty journalists. The incident took place at the New York premiere of Ridley Scott’s latest film, House Of Gucci. Onlookers were stunned as Al Pacino removed glasses, complying with the vicious demands from baying journalists and photographers. Lady Gaga, who is starring alongside Pacino in the movie, tore into the photographers in a four letter-filled tirade of abuse.
Al Pacino Removed Glasses WTAF!
The nightmarish scene played out in full view of movie fans, A-listers and journalists alike. Cuddly Al, was wearing his customary cool shades, so photographers ordered him to remove them. Upon taking his glasses off, Lady Gaga who was with him on the red carpet, unleashed a foul-mouthed rebuke. ‘You put those fucking glasses back on your face Al. Hey you. Yeah, you. Who the fuck do you think this is? He’s Al Fucking Pacino you piece of shit. Why don’t you come up here and let’s go a few rounds. Bafangu, you lousy mook.’
Lady GaGa then leaped from the red carpeted stage into the crowd of photographers, throwing kicks and punches indiscriminately while shouting, ‘Who wants it? Have it, you pieces of shit.’ Then a group of well-rehearsed publicists pulled her out of the melee. Meanwhile another group of well-rehearsed publicists distributed cash amongst the injured and bleeding paparazzi.
Oh Shit, It’s Jared Leto
Those close by swore they could hear Al Pacino say upon removing his glasses, ‘Wait a minute, is that Jared Leto? Because I thought they said Jay Leno. Was I just in a picture with that wrong’un?’ Then he put his glasses back on and spent the entire premiere sat at the back of the theatre with his arms folded. Those nearby could hear him muttering about his ‘fucking agent’ and ‘Joe Pesci’s got the right fucking idea’.
House Of Gucci Is Now On General Release
HOLLYWOOD – Ridley Scott’s next film will be the new Blade Runner 2049 prequel.
Ridley Scott announces a prequel to Denis Villeneuve’s Blade Runner 2049. With two Alien prequels under his belt, the veteran director now wants to return to the Blade Runner universe.
Speaking EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec, the White Squall director had this to say:
I love the idea of going back and making films based on the films that I made in the past. I think they’re often better than the originals. Look at Prometheus. Everyone told me that it was miles better than the original Alien. I’m looking at doing a Thelma and Louise prequel, which would follow Thelma as a young woman. And a Black Rain prequel. Matt Damon even wants to do a Martian prequel which would just be him flying to Mars with the crew.
I know. The other advantage in Blade Runner is that I’ve already done a prequel to Blade Runner 2049, so I can just use footage from that. Harrison Ford, Rutger Hauer and Sean Young are all in it.
The synopsis reads:
A bounty hunter must find and kill a new kind of synthetic human, the Nexus. But in so doing he must come to terms with his own humanity and the limits of love.
Filming has already started according to Scott.
Blade Runner 2019 is out in August.
HOLLYWOOD – Ridley Scott announces Gladiator 2 will feature Xenomorph from the Alien series.
Everyone loved it when they heard that Ridley Scott is making Gladiator 2. He spoke with the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY about the new film:
Yeah, of course we’re going to bring Russell Crowe back from the dead. He’s going to play Maximus’ twin brother Randy. He’s a lot different from Maximus but he’ll train up because Rome is threatened and we must defend it.
Threatened? By what?
I know. You see one of the reasons I felt reluctant to go back to Ancient Rome is I had decided that I was only going to make films with xenomorphs in them. Prometheus and Alien and all that. Then someone said well why can’t there be Xenomorphs in Rome and then Randy will fight them in the Colluseum? And I said, I like it! And I snapped my fingers. Which is something I only do when it’s a really good idea. Like White Squall. Or GI Jane or something.
What about Nick Cave’s script?
Yeah we wanted to use that but there was one problem.
What was it?
It was shit. The whole thing rhymed. And it would have bits saying Guitar solo and stuff like that.
Gladiator 2: Resurrection comes out in 2020.
HOLLYWOOD – Henry Cavill and Angela Bassett are to star in a movie based on the meme Distracted Boyfriend.
Angela Bassett and Henry Cavill are to star in a movie based on the meme Distracted Boyfriend.
Henry Cavill said:
It’s a challenge because I really don’t have that much range as an actor but I’ll do my best.
Ridley Scott told the Studio Exec:
We’ve made movies based on Candy Crush and Emojis: why not memes?
Distracted Boyfriend will be released Thursday.
HOLLYWOOD – Shock waves hit Hollywood today as it was revealed that Mark Wahlberg is actually paid to appear in films.
Reaction came when news broke that Mark Wahlberg received over a million dollars to film extra scenes for Ridley Scott’s All the Money in the World. At first there was consternation that the money was so much more than co-star Michelle Williams, who received less than $1000 for the same time. However, after the news sunk in, it became apparent that someone had buried the lead.
Xavier Poulis – Hollywood expert – told the Exec:
There had always been an understanding that Mark Wahlberg was turning up and doing what he was doing on set just as a favor to someone who liked Marky Mark. The fact that he actually gets paid is unbelievable. It’s as if someone somewhere thinks he’s an actor. And he receives so much too… that part blew my mind.
But surely they say he’s paid that money and then quietly take it back?
One would hope that’s the case. I mean, are we encouraging Wahlberg to act in movies? It’s bad enough he does it, but the fact he’s rewarded for it is unfathomable.
Oh I get it. Unfathomable.
We really need to ask, did someone pay Wahlberg for the Transformers movies as well? Or that Gambler film he did? How far down the rabbit hole do we go?
There’s a rabbit hole?
It’s an expression, SE! Jesus.
Will this continue?
Hopefully no. Just imagine if we took all that money that had been wasted on Wahlberg and gave it to someone who needs it like Will Smith.
I think Will Smith is pretty well paid.
What the fuck….?
All the Money in the World is on release.
LONDON – A rewatch of Ridley Scott’s Prometheus confirmed last night that the Alien prequel is still crap.
Derek Ammerberryson of North London in the United Kingdom confirmed last night that Prometheus was ‘still shit.’ Ammerberryson accidentally rewatched the blu-ray when after a mix up with cases. He told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:
I put the film in the wrong case. I wanted to watch Necromancer again but then the menu came up with that bird from The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and so I realized – with horror – my mistake. I’d seen Alien Covenant and hadn’t wanted to kill myself so I thought I’d give the first film a whirl and see if it was as bad as I remembered.
Oh it is absolute dog turd.
Piss biscuits. Big dog’s cocks.
It’s like cinematic effluent. The script seems to have been written by Damon Lindelof. It’s that bad.
It was written by Damon Lindelof.
Well, there you go, see!
What would you say to those who are thinking of rewatching Prometheus?
I’ve got a copy of Necromancer I’ll sell you for a tanner.
Prometheus is still available.
HOLLYWOOD – Christopher Plummer is to take over as CEO of the Weinstein Company following the sacking of founder Harvey Weinstein amid an ongoing sex scandal.
If there’s a problem Christopher Plummer is almost always the solution. Such is the respect with which the former Sound of Music star is held. Already, Ridley Scott drafted Plummer in for the role of Kevin Spacey in All the Money in the World. Scott told the Studio Exec:
The thing about Plummer is he can do anything. He can sing, he can act, he can do comedy, he can do Spacey. And he’s very, very cheap.
However, there was some surprise that the act was being drafted to run a multi-million dollar media company when he had no previous experience.
The Edelweiss fan spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:
What you have to understand dear boy, is that I am an actor. A Canadian actor, it is true, but nevertheless an actor. I will study the role of CEO in the Weinstein Company and then I will give my performance. You may disagree with my interpretation, but I assure you I will give it my all.
Already shares in the Weinstein Company began to recover as news of the Plummer appointment spread. Financial analyst Amos Ghastly told the Exec:
The company still has good holdings and with Plummer at the helm I’m sure it will be steered towards a prosperous future. He was so good in The New World.
Christopher Plummer will next appear in Season 5 of House of Cards.
HOLLYWOOD – Read the notes of the producers of the original Blade Runner.
We’re all used to thinking that Blade Runner is a dyed in the wool cult classic but even the people making it didn’t think it worked. Bud Yorkin and Jerry Perenchio unleashed their critique in a series of notes. The best of which reads ‘This movie gets worse with every screening.’ Hardly a ringing endorsement. The voiceover was not a hit either. And generally they both criticized the pace of the film.
HOLLYWOOD – Movies have been asked to please stop using John Denver as some sort of cultural touchstone.
The world is asking Movies to stop using Coloradoan guitar picker John Denver as some kind of easy way of winning semi-ironic cheese points. When Ben Wheatley referenced Annie’s Song in Free Fire, it felt like a witty throwback, but since then works by John Denver have appeared in Alien: Covenant, Baby Driver and most recently Kingsmen: The Golden Circle.
Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, the World had this to say:
At first it was kind of a nostalgic buzz. Take Me Home Country Roads, Annie’s Song and Rocky Mountain Mountain High are all great songs and the innocence of the production bespeaks happier times. But placing them in frequently gruesome or inappropriate contexts is getting old fast. Look, sure I have bigger fish to fry. My emotional weather is messed up and I’m actually melting in some places. But this is kind of getting to be a cliche and I want it to stop. If you really need to counterpoint something in a postmodern way, just pick someone else. I mean, who’s Don McLean? Chopped liver?
Ben Wheatley, Edgar Wright, Matthew Vaughn and Ridley Scott have all refused to comment.
BERLIN – Michael Fassbender hits number one on all German charts with his collection of flute music.
Michael Fassbender is one of the world’s most promising young actors. In films such as Fishtank, Hunger and Shame he has shown himself a startling performer and more recently with Alien: Covenant, someone who can make a move into the mainstream. So it might come as a surprise that in Germany Michael Fassbender is known primarily as a flautist. Gustav Bok, secretary of the Fassbender Flaut Uber Alles club told the Studio Exec:
Of course Michael is part German so that suggests perhaps why we Germans love him so much. But obviously it is the flute playing which is the most important thing. Michael has a wonderful pair of lips and he purses them just so. Making for the sweetest sound. And his lungs! Boy does this guy have the lungs. Many of our members don’t even realise he is an actor. They go to his concerts and buy his CDs and music. Many only went to Alien: Covenant because Michael plays the flute in it.
Fassbender’s flute antics also landed him a big role with a Hollywood director. Quentin Tarantino tells the story:
I was in Germany on a tour with a film and I was watching television and there was this massive flute concert and I didn’t even realise that fluting was so big in Germany. And I don’t mean like a flute and an orchestra. This is just one guy and a flute and he’s up there for three hours. It’s unbelievable. Magical even. And I thought I haev to have this guy. It was only when we were actually on set and filming Inglourious Basterds that this guy could actually speak English as well.
Michael Fassbender’s Flute Favorites is available on iTunes.
HOLLYWOOD – Stand out Alien: Covenant star James Franco is in talks to return in a possible sequel.
Alien: Covenant has its problems. However, everyone believes that James Franco stood out as the best thing in it. Good news. It looks like he will be back for the sequel. James came round to the Studio Exec bungalow to discuss a possible follow up.
I was so happy to play a small role in Alien. I’ve loved the franchise my whole life so it was a dream come true to be there. Ridley Scott and I talked for hours about the role. Even though I don’t play a major part we worked out this back story and all these ideas. Now with the great reviews coming in, we got on the phone and started talking how to bring Captain Branson back.
So this will be a prequel?
No. Ridley talked me out of that idea. He’s done prequels already and he didn’t have a happy experience. No, this is going to follow on directly from Alien: Covenant.
But didn’t Captain Branson die?
What do you actually see though? Is it possible that was a hologram? Is it possible that Branson was actually a synthetic and another copy of him is lurking on board?
Wow. Is that the way this is going?
I don’t know. Just saying, these are all possibilities.
Alien: Branson’s Pickle will be released in 2018.
HOLLYWOOD – Alien: Covenant is out and I tried to like it but in space no one can hear your eyes roll.
With Alien: Covenant, Ridley Scott has made a film that’s a bit better than the last bad film he made. Warning: there are SPOILERS.
Continue reading “5 THINGS WRONG WITH ALIEN: COVENANT”
HOLLYWOOD – Harrison Ford’s costume for Blade Runner 2049 only cost $26 before tax.
Rick Deckard is back in Denis Villeneuve’s Blade Runner 2049 and he’s blade running for his life. The trailer hit the internet yesterday and left so much to unpack. But the take home for many was Harrison’ Ford’s costume. We spoke with the Mosquito Coast actor EXCLUSIVELY about his costume choices:
The costume people come round to my house. They’ve spent weeks going over and over with these designs and sketches. I talked to Ryan and he’s taking this shit way to seriously. He’s worried he’ll have a cold chin so he gets them to make this high collar. You know, to protect his chin. Do you know that Gosling means baby goose?
Yes, I guess…
Makes you think. Huh. My surname means ‘American car’.
Well, then they say ‘How about you Mr Ford?’ and I say ‘I’m wearing my costume right now’. They looked confused. I was just wearing a t-shirt. They started trotting out these space trousers, but I told them to fuck off. This shirt cost me $26.
For a pack of three.
Blade Runner 2049 will be released in October.