HOLLYWOOD – James Franco announces new film: Richard Gere and the Gerbil.
Following the moderate success of The Disaster Artist, Hollywood chronicler and self-proclaimed Renaissance Man James Franco turns his attention to one of the most resilient myths of Tinsel Town: Richard Gere and the Gerbil. We talked to the Spider-Man 2 star about his new project and this is what he said:
All aspects of the business interest me. And having recently been on the receiving end of the gossip, I suddenly became interested in the way stories get spread and are attached to people. Even when they are demonstrably false.
Wait. Richard Gere didn’t stuff a gerbil up his asshole?
No. That’s the point. Not only did Richard Gere not do it. There are zero reports of anyone in the Los Angeles area ever having to get a rodent removed from the lower colon.
But Sylvester Stallone told me that…
That’s how these things start. And it’s always Stallone.
I know. He spread this story around the time of Pretty Woman, that Gere had been at a wild party and they’d run this gerbil up a tune into his ass and it had got stuck. Apparently, he had to go to Sinai to have it removed. But it’s all nonsense.
So your film will debunk this whole thing, right?
No, we’re going to take the idea. What if it really did happen? And we’re going to dramatize that!
But wait! Won’t that just stoke the story?
Yeah, and yet who wants to see a movie where Richard Gere doesn’t get a gerbil shoved up his ass.
There you go.
Richard Gere and the Gerbil is out in 2020.
CHICAGO – The remake of the musical Chicago is to star Presidential candidate Donald Trump and will include more fascism and less jazz, it was revealed today.
The musical film Chicago originally starred Richard Gere, Renee Zellwegger and Catherine Zeta Jones, but the new version is set to include Donald Trump a rise in political violence unseen since the days of Mussolini and Renee Zellwegger.
Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec Renee had this to say:
We’re really excited to go back to this material because it is so exciting and vital and relevant to today’s world. Donald has had a hand in rewriting all of the songs and I think the audiences are going to go crazy when they hear ‘Razzle Fascism’ and ‘Wall that Jazz’ and ‘Mister Climate Change’. My favorite though is the seamless reworking of ‘We Both Reached For The Gun’ which Donald rewrote as ‘We Both Believe that Obama Care Leads to Death Panels and Infringes the Basic Liberty of Poor Americans to Die Unbothered by Medical Attention.’
Rob Marshall returns to duties behind the camera and the best boy will be former brain surgeon Dr. Ben Carson.
Chicago will be released in January 2017.
HOLLYWOOD – Everyone knows Terrence Malick is a genius, but no one knows why.
The Studio Exec FACT Squad have spent the weekend listening to whispering voice-overs and cavorting around wheat fields during the magic hour. The Terrence Malick FACTS are as follows:
1. Between the release of Days of Heaven (1978) and The Thin Red Line (1998), Terrence Malick opened up a meat providing business called Malick’s Meats, which provided restaurants with high quality meat substances, pastes, salami, burgers and sausages. However, in 1995 Malick sickened by the stench of blood and endless killing – which he would participate in personally donning a special slaughtering apron that made his torso look like the Venus di Milo – he decided to return to film making.
2. Although he has a reputation as a recluse, Terry is actually a party animal whose favorite tipple is Jagermeister. His contract stipulates a constant supply of Jagermeister which he drinks via a feeding pipe that is hidden in his hat. His love of hats is legendary, with the director appearing as April in a free calendar given to French readers of the January 1985 edition of Chapeau.
3. Malick’s reputation as a philosopher is unearned. He doesn’t like reading and when asked about Heidegger told the interviewer that he didn’t watch much soccer.
4. Many actors credit Malick with offering them valuable career advice. Richard Gere, Sissy Spacek and Martin Sheen all won early fame in Malick’s films. Jim Caviezel would pester Malick incessantly about what role he should take after The Thin Red Line. ‘Jesus Christ!’ the director finally exploded and Caviezel took him at his word.
5. The quality of each Terrence Malick film goes down in inverse proportion to the number of editors who work on the film. Badlands = 1 editor. To the Wonder = 5 editors. Knight of Cups = 243 editors.
For more FACTS on everything from this to that click HERE!