The Legend

Richard Gere was admitted to an LA hospital in the early 90s to remove a Gerbil from his ass. Gere had been indulging in an obscure sexual act known as ‘Gerbling’ and was forced to seek medical attention after the rodent suffocated and died in his rectum.

The Truth

I know a guy who knows a guy who used to drink with the brother of another guy whose ex-wife worked in the emergency room and he told me that not only is the gerbil story true, but when the surgeons were rummaging around in Gere’s ass they discovered it contained more objects than Mary Poppin’s handbag.

Some of the items they found include, but are not limited to:

Three Granny Smiths apples
A small camping stove
Michael Cimino
The complete works of Shakespeare
Le pigeon aux petits pois by Pablo Picasso
A half eaten croissant
A signed and framed photograph of Tony Curtis

Gere has always denied the incident claiming he is the victim of a smear campaign but Detective Rick Fisk of the LAPD claims in his new book ‘Celebrity Assholes’ that Gere’s backside holds the key to one of the 20th Century’s greatest mysteries:

I’m convinced that Richard Gere’s ass is the final resting place of ex-teamsters boss Jimmy Hoffa. Over the years I’ve tried to get a search warrant but his lawyers claim there is no evidence that Jimmy is up there and I always say, “Fine, but if Richard has nothing to hide then why doesn’t he give me ten minutes with a rubber glove and a pencil torch and let’s find out for sure.