RIAN JOHNSON SAYS STAR WARS CAN ‘SUCK MY COCK’

HOLLYWOOD – Rian Johnson tells Star Wars to suck his big fat cock. 

In an exclusive interview with The Exec Rian Johnson says Star Wars can suck it.

With the announcement of his $450m deal with Netflix, The Last Jedi director, Rian Johnson says Star Wars can suck it.

Thank you for coming in to talk with us at The Exec bungalow Rian:

I could buy this shit hole if I wanted to, did you know that?

Well, congratulations are in order on your big Netflix deal:

Fuckin’ A, bubba. You’re darn tootin’ congratulations are in order. 450 fucking million clams man. That’s a whole lotta of green, baby.

We understand this is for two more Knives Out films with Daniel Craig:

Yeah, I guess. But you know what? Craig ain’t that expensive anymore. His Bond film, No Time To blah blah blah hasn’t seen the light of day. That means Knives Out is the last big thing he did. I can pretty much get him for scale at the moment. Bond is my bitch.

We understand you start shooting this summer?

Yep, that’s right. In Greece. Fucking Greece, of all places man. Everything is so cheap over there, we’ll make a killing. I made Knives Out for $45million, which is a snip. If I shoot the next one in Greece, even with distancing, I can knock this one out for $50million, tops. Ker-fucking-ching baby.

With the commitment of this deal, are you still making your Star Wars films?

No way man. They can all go suck on my fat lightsaber if they think I’m going back to that. The amount of shit I got for TLJ? Forget it Luke, it’s Chinatown. They can look up my big fat shiny moon of Endor and see if they can feel the dark side of the force.

Any casting news you can share with for Knives Out 2?

Check this out. I’m getting Mark Hamill to play the fucking killer. That’ll really piss off all those pricks at Disney and the twitter Star Wars stans. Right, that’s your lot, I’m outta here. Now where did I park my gold Lamborghini?

Umm, Rian Johnson, thank you for your time:

Whatever, douche bags. Peace out.

KNIVES OUT 2 STARTS FILMING LATER THIS SUMMER

JJ ABRAMS REVEALS STAR WARS EPISODE 9 WILL HAVE ALTERNATE TIME LINE

HOLLYWOOD – JJ Abrams today revealed that the next episode of Star Wars – Episode 9 – will tak eplace in an alternate timeline.

Following the success of The Force Awakens, JJ Abrams returns to direct episode 9 of Star Wars. Today Abrams dropped round to the Studio Exec bungalow to talk about his ideas for the film:

I watched The Last Jedi and I loved what Rian did. But I won’t lie: it kinda knocked what i wanted to do into a cocked hat. I’d written a whole script assuming that I’d have some characters who died. And there were also some questions that I was thinking of in a different way. For the past months I’d tried to work out how to make my and Rian’s vision coincide. Then I watched Star Trek on TV, the movie I made and it clocked. Alternate timelines. My movie will start off exactly where Rian’s begins but a time bomb will go off shattering the Star Trek universe into two. I’m only sad I can’t get Leonard Nimoy to come in at the beginning and explain everything to the audience.

Can you tell us anything else?

I’m afraid that an iconic space vessel is going to explode.

Not the Millennium Falcon!?

What? No! The Starship Enterprise.

The news was greeted with relief by some fans and consternation by others. A clearly fatigued Mark Hamill commented: ‘Whatever’.

Star Wars: Episode 9 There Are Actually Other Jedis will be released in 2019.

LAST JEDI WILL BE THE LAST STAR WARS MOVIE

HOLLYWOOD – Disney announced today that Star Wars Episode 8: The Last Jedi will be the last Star Wars movie.

The Last Jedi is to close the Star Wars saga, it was revealed today. All the other proposed Star Wars movies have been canceled.

Kathleen Kennedy, the producer in charge of the franchise, spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec about the decision:

We just decided we were bored of doing them. At first we were all very excited but then after a while it was like Star Wars, Star Wars, Star Wars! Jeez enough already. I mean we’re a bunch of grown ups in a room talking about if Ziphius Fey is going to have to go to Booglyon 8 to get the weeBa Krystals.

Wow! They go to Booglyon 8!  

And then it wouldn’t be so bad, but we’re talking about a film every year. Maybe even more.

But what about the films that are already in production, or have even completed post-production like the Han Solo stand alone?

The Han Solo movie is a mess. Half of it is Lego and the rest of it is Far and Away. Tom Cruise turns up speaking in an Oirish accent – ‘What are all ye leetle fellows doin’, made of bricks an all?’ – It’s an embarrassment.

So that’s it. No more Star Wars. 

Yep. It was fun. But this way think of the next original idea that will come along and finally have some space to breathe.

Star Wars Episode 8 The Last Jedi will be released in December.

 

LAST JEDI WILL FEATURE TRIBBLES

HOLLYWOOD – Reports claim Star Wars: Episode 8: The Last Jedi to feature Tribbles.

An old Star Wars favorite the Tribbles are to make a return to the new Rian Johnson film: Star Wars Episode 8: The Last Jedi.

The film stars Mark Hamill, Daisy Ridley, John Boyega, Carrie Fisher and Adam Driver.

A source close to the production told the Studio Exec:

Early in the production Rian introduced the idea of the Tribbles. It was something that JJ Abrams suggested, but Rian agreed completely. Initially, they were going to just have a small role, but they kinda multiplied if you know what I mean. Now they’ve become the  dominant character. I don’t want to give too much away but there’s about five minutes of the film which is about Luke Skywalker and Rey. And the rest of it is Tribbles all the way through.

Is Chewbacca a kind of Tribble?

No. But the Tribbles worship him as a God.

Like in Return of the Jedi.

There weren’t any Tribbles in Return of the Jedi.

Right. Wait, aren’t Tribbles like a Star Trek thing?

Star Trek… Star Wars, what’s the difference?

Star Wars The Last Jedi will be released in December.

5 FACTS WE LEARNED FROM THE LAST JEDI TRAILER

HOLLYWOOD – Star Wars The Last Jedi released a new trailer yesterday.

And now Star Wars The Last Jedi trailer must be analyzed. The film stars Daisy Ridley, John Boyega, Oscar Isaac and Mark Hamill. Directed by Rian Johnson, it is the eighth episode in the Star Wars saga.

We sent the FACT squad into the heart of the First Order to find out what Luke Skywalker was up to.

1 Still no sign of Captain Kirk. This will be Episode 8 of the saga and yet the Captain of the Starship Enterprise has yet to make an appearance. Many fans expressed their outrage and remarked that the absence of Hobbits was also ‘a disturbance in the Force’.

2 However, we do have the sighting of a Tribble. So most Trekkies will be happy with that.

3 They’ve gone to a planet with a color scheme similar to the poster which is convenient.

4 The First Order – like the Galactic Empire – still seem to believe in having walking vehicles rather than, you know, use wheels.

5 Gandalf has a metal hand.

For more FACTS click here.  

RON HOWARD CALLED IN TO DIRECT THE LAST JEDI

HOLLYWOOD – Ron Howard replaces Rian Johnson on Star Wars Episode 8 The Last Jedi.

Han Solo director Ron Howard has taken over from Rian Johnson as the director of the eighth instalment of the Star Wars series, The Last Jedi. The decision came down late last night and hit the internets early this morning. Howard spoke to the Studio Exec immediately:

I was talking with Kathleen about the process and how Rian was doing. They were really happy and everything seemed honky tonky, but I could tell they were nervous. So I said why don’t I take over. They tried to hide their delight. They told me the film was practically finished and there was just the soundtrack and the titles to add, but I knew what they meant. So late last night I snuck into the editing booth and changed the card to ‘Directed by Ron Howard’. I know they’ll be over the moon.

Howard already took over from Chris Miller and Philip Lord – the Lego Movie and Jump Street 22 directors – to complete the Han Solo project. He is also talking about taking over Blade Runner 2049 as well as releasing a Director’s Cut of Christopher Nolan’s Dunkirk.

‘I’m going to change the music and add my name at the end,’ he told the Exec. ‘I didn’t realize that it could be so easy. But now I don’t know if I’ll ever bother to do a whole film again.’

Rian Johnson, however, insists that he’s still the film’s director.

We did find Howard’s name at the end of a rough cut and he occasionally sneaked onto the set and shouted ‘Action!’ or ‘Cut!’ I thought it was just a joke.

Star Wars: The Last Jedi will be released in December, 2017

THE LAST JEDI: STAR WARS 8 GETS TITLE AND POSTER

HOLLYWOOD – Star Wars Episode 8 has a title and poster: The Last Jedi.

Disney and Lucas Film revealed the title for the new Star Wars film: The Last Jedi. Rian Johnson directs and Mark Hamill stars as Luke Skywalker. He’ll join the young generation of new heroes played by Daisy Ridley and John Boyega. The studio issued a note with the poster that read:

For Star Wars: The Last Jedi we are taking out inspiration from a classic film by Michael Mann. Star Wars has always taken audiences to different worlds. The ice world of Hoth, the desert world of Tatooine, another ice world and another desert world, the names escape me. Anyway the point is we’re running out of climate zones to take the adventures. So we figured when Star Trek was running out of ideas, they’d visit planet Bonanza and all dress as cowboys. Or planet World War Two… you get the picture. Hence The Last of the Jedi.

Star Wars: The Last Jedi will be released December 15, 2017.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

STAR WARS EPISODE 8 ‘WILL BE LIKE HERBIE GOES BANANAS’ SAYS ADAM DRIVER

HOLLYWOOD – Star Wars Episode 8 is going to be more similar to Herbie Goes Bananas than the Love Bug, Kylo Ren actor Adam Driver has revealed.

With a great deal of secrecy surrounding the next instalment in the Star Wars franchise – the so-called Episode 8 – villain Adam Driver has revealed that the new movie will be a lot like Herbie Goes Bananas. Talking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, he said of the film:

We’re really watching all the Herbie films, but whereas JJ Abrams had us all watch The Love Bug, this time around Rian Johnson is getting us to screen Herbie Goes Bananas and our characters all have their parallel characters in the Disney film about everyone’s favorite VW Bug.

News will come as a relief to those fans who were worried that the new Disney made Star Wars films were getting too Star Warsy.

Star Wars Episode 8 will be released in 2017.

5 FACTS WE LEARNED FROM ROGUE ONE TRAILER

HOLLYWOOD – The new trailer for Star Wars: Rogue One has hit the internets and we have learned five FACTS and five FACTS alone.

Many Bothans died so that they could bring you these FACTS:

1. Aggravated assault is a crime a long time ago in a galaxy far far away.

2. Ben Mendelsohn is playing Ian McEwan in the X-Men movies. Felicity Jones is playing Katniss Ever-rebel. Forest Whitaker is playing Grumpy Grump-Face.

3. The Butler from the White House is a really pessimistic soldier. ‘What will you do when they catch you? What will you do when they break you?’ Jesus Christ! Nice pep talk Bird. How about don’t get caught? How about: kick some ass out there? Do some aggravated assault!?

4. Even though this is a prequel, the word prequel has become so toxic in the Star Wars marketing universe that it has been replaced by the much more exciting word ‘story’.

5.  There is another Death Star! Okay, I know it’s a prequel… sorry, a story, a story. I mean a story. But I do hope this is the last time we see the Death Star or the Star Killer or whatever else. I mean they surely won’t make another one will they? The insurance premiums alone…!

For more FACTS click HERE.

STAR WARS EPISODE 8: TITLE REVEALED

HOLLYWOOD – Rian Johnson’s Star Wars Episode 8 has a title the Studio Exec can EXCLUSIVELY reveal.

Star Wars: The Force Awakens has only just opened internationally but already Kathleen Kennedy is prepping Star Wars: Episode 8 and she popped into the Studio Exec Falcon to speak about the new installment.

You are already working on Episode 8, is that right?

Absolutely. This is going to be a crazy year. Genuinely non-stop. My husband was producing Jurassic World and I was doing The Force Awakens but at the same time we’re getting ready to start with Episode 8 in January of 2016.

Unbelievable. And you already have the story?

Yes. The story has already been worked out. In fact we’ve got the story right up until Episode 9 worked out. Not the details and the scripts are not locked but we know where we’re going and most of the beats.

Tell us more.

No can do Exec. You know many people haven’t seen Episode 7, so if I told you anything about Episode 8 that would give away spoilers and I don’t want to do that.

You must be able to give us something.

Well, I suppose I could tell you the title we’re working on at the moment.

Great.

The idea is that the next Episode will continue directly on from Episode 7 and so we had the idea that the title should reflect that continuity.

And so…

Star Wars: Episode 8: The Force Has Breakfast.

The Force has Breakfast?

Yeah. You see we thought, if I was the force what would I do one I woke up. Rian said ‘I always have breakfast straight after I’ve woken up’. And so we went with that.

Right.

Of course it wasn’t the only option. But it was the best.

What were the alternatives?

Apparently Lawrence Kasdan has a sh*t as soon as he wakes up. And J.J. Abrams flosses. But they just didn’t scan.

Star Wars: Episode 8: The Force Has Breakfast will be released in 2017.

RIAN JOHNSON WILL SEX UP STAR WARS

HOLLYWOOD – Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, Rian Johnson revealed he will be sexing up Star Wars in his new stand alone movie.

Sex has always been a subject of some reticence in the Star Wars universe – from Princess Leia’s taped nipples to the dangers of incest – but all that is to change in Rian Johnson’s stand alone Star Wars film which the Looper director has declared is going to be ‘wall-to-wall copulation.’

Star Wars for me was a very adolescent discovery. I was into it as a boy and then going through puberty I started to ask questions, imagine things, situations, sexy situations if you will, on Jabba the Hutt’s slave barge for instance or slithering about in the trash compactor. Huh, huh.

Wow! So how is this going to effect the new film?

When I first talked to Kathleen [Kennedy, the producer] about the  film, she said she wanted my version to be the first NC-17 Star Wars picture. We talked about the various sexual fantasies we had about the Star Wars universe and she gave me carte very blanche.

So the story?

The story I can’t tell you too much about, except to say that I spent a lot of time re-watching Paul Verhoeven’s  Showgirls. As for the rest of it, we are going to have a sexy cantina scene. The Imperial Court is a bit like that scene in Eyes Wide Shut. And there are other uses for Droids which will finally reveal what we really mean when we talk about a ‘protocol droid’.

Star Wars: The Force Arouses will be released in 2016.

 

RIAN JOHNSON TO REMAKE LOOPER


HOLLYWOOD – Rian Johnson announced that he is to remake Looper, his Science Fiction mind bending time travel thriller that stars Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Bruce Willis’ younger self.

‘I made it all wrong,’ said Johnson. ‘I watched it again recently and I realised that Bruce Willis should be playing an older Joseph Gordon-Levitt rather than Joseph Gordon-Levitt playing Bruce Willis’ younger self.’

The news came as no surprise to Rian Johnson collaborator, actor Paul Dano: ‘It came as no surprise to me, as actor Paul Dano, because what many people don’t realise is that Rian Johnson already made Looper three times. One in 2009 and twice in 2011, but one of those 2011s weren’t our 2011.’

Rian Johnson said that the plot mechanics of time traveller were so complicated and convoluted that he was unable to properly explain many of the parts of his own film, but he admitted the only way to do justice to the story was to use real time travel.  ‘I watched it again recently and I realised that Bruce Willis should be playing an older Joseph Gordon-Levitt rather than Joseph Gordon-Levitt playing Bruce Willis’ younger self.’

Rian Johnson announced that he is to remake Looper, his Science Fiction mind bending time travel thriller that stars Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Bruce Willis’ younger self. The news came as no surprise to Rian Johnson collaborator, actor Paul Dano: ‘It came as no surprise to me, as actor Paul Dano, because what many people don’t realise is that Rian Johnson already made Looper three times. One in 2009 and twice in 2011, but one of those 2011s weren’t our 2011.’

Rian Johnson. Rian Johnson. Looper Paul Dano.
Bruce.