THE PHANTOM MENACE REBOOT GREENLIT

GREENLIT – The Phantom Menace Reboot has finally been given the go ahead by Disney. Given that Disney never pander to focus group pressure, they have decided The Phantom Menace Reboot will go into production immediately.

 


The Phantom Menace Reboot Starts The Whole Fucking Thing Again

Because nobody has had anywhere near enough Star Wars content yet, Disney are rebooting the whole franchise from the very start. Beginning with The Phantom Menace Reboot, they will re-tell the whole Skywalker saga all over again. The aim is to correct as many mistakes as possible. Darth Maul will be replaced by Darth Jor-Jor, a relative of the ever popular Jar-Jar Binks. And they intend to really ramp up the awkward racial stereotyping. ‘Just think’, said writer Lawrence Kasdan, ‘imagine two Jar-Jar things in a 30 minute elevator-based duologue. The fans will go fucking nuts for this.’

 

Just When I Thought I Was Out, They Pull Me Back In

The entire original cast are still contractually bound by Lucasfilm and Disney. And both Mark Hamill and Harrison Ford will be returning as their younger selves throughout the saga. This will be achieved by using de-ageing software techniques. These were perfected beyond belief for Martin Scorsese’s The Irishman. Mark is quoted as saying, ‘What the force? They’ve invoked that part of our contracts? Those mother fuckers.’ Echoing Hamill’s delight, Harrison Ford also exclaimed how happy he was to be playing Han Solo once again, ‘I gotta bad feeling about this.’ Was all he kept repeating from the wreckage of yet another successful landing of his aircraft.

 

The Return Of The JJ

As it all went so well last time, JJ Abrams is set to return to helm all 26 Star Wars films which will be shot chronologically. But the director could give no further plans other than, ‘Yeah, well… we’ll make the first one and see how it goes from there. We haven’t planned beyond the first treatment yet. We’ve learned from our mistake of over-planning. We’ve also learned to tone down the ‘women’ in the Star Wars universe. People don’t wanna see strong female characters. Or any female characters in the Star Wars universe, for that matter. They just get in the way of the good ol’ homo-erotic sausage fest Star Wars always has, and always should be. To quote Han Solo, ‘Trust me to beam you up.’


The Phantom Menace Reboots Starts Shooting Next Month

EWAN MCGREGOR ‘SECOND COMING OF CHRIST’

HOLLYWOOD – Following his recent ordination into the Catholic church (CLICK HERE to read more), Ewan McGregor has been fast tracked from priest to actual messiah.

The former Pillow Book star, Ewan McGregor was revealed to be the Second Coming of Christ during the filming of his new film Last Days in the Desert.

Co-star Ciaran Hinds told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY of how the final Revelation was revealed:

Everyone on the shoot was touched by what they saw. At first I thought Ewan was employing the method, he was sermonizing and talking in parables constantly – though a lot of it was about motorcycles – but then when the catering truck didn’t turn up on the seventh day, Ewan found a can of tuna and some crackers and somehow managed to whip up enough food to feed everyone. There weren’t five thousand, but still it was both impressive and delicious.

Although some have doubted the veracity of the miracles attributed to Ewan McGregor, Pope Francis himself seems to be convinced. Speaking at the Vatican, he told a delegation from Scotland:

In my opinion, Father Ewan McGregor has very many similarities with Jesus Christ. Jesus, you’ll remember, was crucified and died for our sins, but then on the third day he rose again. Ewan McGregor appeared in Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith, but now he has made yet another film, rising in a very literal/metaphorical way from the dead. Coincidence? This pope [pointing at himself with both thumbs] don’t think so.

The Last Days in the Desert will be released later in 2015 and Father Ewan will be hearing confession from three o’clock on Sunday.

 

XAVIER POULIS: DOES CINEMA PROVE THE EXISTENCE OF GOD?










GENEVA – Today Swiss cinema and cheese expert, Xavier Poulis tries to resolve one of the most difficult question in philosophy: does God exist?

‘Allo.
God, Jesus, Mohammad, Buddha, L. Ron Hubbard. We all have different names for God and different relationships to him. Richard Dawkins doesn’t believe he exists and George W. Bush talks to him frequently. One of these intellectual giants is telling ‘le whopper grand’ as we say in the cantons of Switzerland. So I’ve decided to settle the matter once and for all, after which no more talking, etc. Just bide by my words. And enough with the talking and silliness.


Arguments for God.

  1. Woody Allen’s early output, especially Love and Death and Manhattan.
  2. Scarlett  Johansson.
  3. Jean Luc Godard.
  4. The Empire Strikes Back.
  5. Robert de Niro in Raging Bull and Taxi Driver.

Arguments against God.

  1. Woody Allen’s later output, especially Scoop and Curse of the Jade Scorpion. 
  2. Scarlett Johansson singing.
  3. Jean Luc Godard.
  4. The Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clones, Revenge of the Sith and Ewoks.
  5. Meet the Parents and Meet the Fockers.
  6. Adam Sandler.
So there we have it. God doesn’t exist. Carry on.

GEORGE LUCAS RECANTS: PREQUEL NEGATIVES TO BE DESTROYED

HOLLYWOOD – In a remarkable change of heart, George Lucas published a statement this morning disavowing the Star Wars prequels and promising that the negatives will not only be destroyed but ‘every memory of them will be wiped from human memory’.

The statement that was issued from the Skywalker ranch this morning reads:

Several years ago, I began along a course of action which I have come to regret. I supposed it started with the Ewoks. I don’t know. I had created a popular Science Fiction film and then another, and finally there was Return of the Jedi, which had some good bits. At this stage in my career I felt I was done. I couldn’t think of anything else to do but take baths in the money that rolled in from Hasbro. But then I got really bored and some people started to say “Hey why don’t you make some more of them Star Wars films?” And so I thought why not? But the sad fact of the matter was any chops I had in the story telling game were as dead as a duck called Howard. I suspected it was all going wrong but the same people who had told me to do it in the first place would just greet every idea I had with like “Genius genius” even if it was shit biscuits. Even I hated Jar Jar Binks, but Stevie Spielberg was like “this is hilarious”. Last night I had a moment of clarity: it was all rubbish, all of it. And so I will use the full power of my wealth to buy back every DVD, BluRay and film print in existence of Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith and we’ll all get drunk and then burn them. It will be fucking excellent. 

 Lucas concludes:

All I can say is I’m really sorry and I hope everyone will forgive but most of all forget. I will not rest content until the memory of the prequels is utterly wiped away.

Red Tails & Broomsticks is due for release in 2016.