PETER JACKSON EYES LORD OF THE RINGS SEQUELS

WELLINGTON – Lord of the Rings director, Peter Jackson talked post Hobbit projects this morning with Studio Exec  and his plans look set to excite Middle Earth fanatics everywhere.

‘We have been looking at making stand-alone sequels to each of the films in the original trilogy which would seek to exploit squeeze dry rape  pay homage to the world Tolkien created,’ the Bad Taste director, Peter Jackson said, smiling weakly.

The first films would go into production in 2014 and would be directed by Guillermo Del Toro: ‘We hire him and then we fire him,’ Jackson giggled. ‘It’s fun.’

According to Jackson the script of the first film is already done and the outlines of the other two films are coming into shape. ‘The first film will be The Fellowship of the Ring Rides Again,’ said The Lovely Bones. ‘Followed by The Two Towers Two. Fran wanted this one to be called The Four Towers and so that might change. And rounding off our new trilogy will be The Return of the Return of the King, which we hope will win twenty two Oscars.’

How would Jackson respond to criticism that he was milking Tolkien pretty dry?

I’d probably throw money at them. Ha ha ha. No, I’d pay someone to throw money at them. Ha ha ha. No, but seriously. I could probably throw the money myself. And I have a lot of it, so that would probably do the trick. Bags of coins, or gold bars or something. I could hire a helicopter and drop it on them. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. No, but seriously, what people don’t understand is that Tolkien was an inveterate scribbler. We have shopping lists, letters he wrote, his homework from when he was a kid, graffiti he wrote in Oxford in Elvish. So lots to be going on with. 

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VIGGO MORTENSEN BECOMES KING OF NEW ZEALAND

WELLINGTON – Viggo Mortensen arrived in Wellington, New Zealand today to prepare for his coronation as Aragorn, King of New Zealand, which will also be renamed Middle Zealand.

The peaceful transfer of power will be overseen by John Key, the current Prime Minister who is expected to cede power to the mastermind behind the move, Peter Jackson.

Speaking Elfish, Mr. Mortensen said:

I have nothing against Queen Elizabeth II who has been a wonderful figure head for New Zealand, but it is time that the country moved forward to the Third Age.  

Liv Tyler is expected to join Aragorn as Queen Arwen, as ‘I have nothing better to do, and being Queen, I mean that’s like, neat?’ However, she caused some consternation when she referred to a party of welcoming Maoris as Orcs. Jackson was quick to repair the damage, pointing out that what with Dwarves and Elves living in peace with men, this was going to be a multicultural absolute monarchy.

King Aragorn said today:

New Zealand has given a lot to us as film makers. You gave us your union powers, your animals and now you’re going to give us absolute power so we can play out our fantasies at the state’s expense. And I swear, that on my first day in power, anyone less than six foot tall will no longer be allowed to wear shoes.   

Other proposed changes include a banning of all technology, legislation to curb the use of dragons in mining operations and a controversial emigration policy for anyone over sixties who will be forcibly removed to the Grey Havens.