5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT DAVID FINCHER

HOLLYWOOD – Gone Girl director David Fincher is one of the few American film makers who seems able to work in the mainstream, make some fairly dreadful movies (Panic Room, Benjamin Button), some fairly good ones (Fight Club, Se7en), and still inspire respect in the critical community.

Our FACT squad descended on the Fight Club director likes a pack of starving rats and stripped his bones clean of all fact tissue, quite literally. 

1. Despite including a specific rule in the film, everyone talks about Fight Club, which infuriates David Fincher, who is a stickler for rules. 

2. David Fincher got his first job in the cinema as a special effect supervisor on Return of the Jedi. Anyone watching the film closely can spot his cameo as the Rancor Keeper, Malakili. His acting skills attracted so much attention that Lucas suggested he pursue acting as a possible career. Fincher lost weight especially but in the end no one wanted him, because Lucas was wrong and Fincher was actually a crap actor. 

3. When making Se7en, Fincher tried to murder someone in order ‘to get the feel’. However, he hurt his hand and was quickly overpowered. 

4. Although nominated for an Oscar for The Social Network, David Fincher prefers MySpace.  

5. The Game that Michael Douglas plays in The Game is actually based on a version of Cluedo, but with all the rules changed to avoid copyright issues.

For more FACTS click HERE.

FANS TO REMAKE STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL

HOLLYWOOD – A fan campaign launched today to raise money to finance a remake of the Star Wars Holiday Special.

The Star Wars Holiday Special is going to be remade if a group of fans on the internet have their way. The 1978 TV movie was a science fiction musical extravaganza made before George Lucas realized that YouTube might exist.  Large decried as a low point of the franchise’s history, a group of fans are now trying to raise funds to remake the movie for cinematic release. We spoke to Ginty Meatpants about the project:

We started with the idea that we wanted to remake The Last Jedi because that film was so … [makes vomity sounds]! But then someone said what about Attack of the Clones? and we realized that we should really start there. And then someone else said what about Return of the Jedi. We could take out the bit where Chewbacca pretends to be Tarzan and the fucking Ewoks. So we decided to do that instead. And then someone piped up about the Holiday Special and so we’re going to do that one first.

Wow!

I know. It’s going to take a lot of time and money but I think once we explain to Disney they’ll be fine. After all, we’ve got lots of time on our hands. We don’t have you know girlfriends, or friend friends. So we’ve got time.

So you think that they’ll agree?

Yeah, as long as they don’t ask that bitch Kathleen Kennedy.

But she’s the producer.

Yeah, but don’t tell her.

The Star Wars Holiday Special ReLoaded will be released in 2020.

EMPIRE TO BUILD JUST ‘ONE MORE DEATH STAR’

HOLLYWOOD – The Galactic Empire – AKA the First Order – has revealed plans to build ‘just one more Death Star’ in the hope that this time it will survive more than a week.

A planet destroying battle station is a powerful weapon indeed, and the Galactic Empire have spent trillions of dollars building three versions. The first one was destroyed almost forty years ago by the Rebel Alliance when a previously unsuspected Exhaust Port proved a complete liability. Death Star expert Xavier Poulis told the Studio Exec:

There was a lot of finger pointing when the first Death Star was blown up but really no one could see that coming and a battle station which is the size of a small moon needs somewhere to vent. You can’t just seal it hermetically and hope for the best. Yes, in retrospect a kind of shell or net would have been a good idea, but seriously we thought people would be so scared they’d be too busy flying in the other direction.

The second Death Star wasn’t even constructed when it too was destroyed. Poulis again:

Here I don’t think anyone per se was to blame. The Emperor had pushed ahead on the weapons front so that it was fully operational, meaning it could fire its weapons. But it wasn’t yet completely built. Ironically the exhaust port was covered in armor this time and guarded with massive cannons. But as the shell of the station hadn’t been completed the Rebel ships could just fly right in and blow up the power core with not much ado.

The third battle station was the giant Star Killer. General Hux spoke to the Studio Exec about this station:

We’re still pretty gutted about the Star Killer. Honestly I thought we’d covered our bases. First of all we established it on a planet so we cut down significantly on construction and labor costs. And because now we are an environmentally conscious Galactic Empire we used solar energy as our power source. No more dirty nuclear waste. When we blow up planets now, we do so cleanly and responsibly. So when the rebels once more managed to find a way to destroy we were all very, very upset. Many people think the First Order don’t have feelings, but I can tell you that ruined a lot of people’s Christmases. Lord Snoke tried to get everyone to cheer up doing Wookie impersonations but it was more sad than it was funny.

 And yet you plan to build another one.

We’re going to try one last time. The thing is when we do get it right the results are amazing. Just ask anyone who was on Alderaan. Or don’t! Ha ha ha. So is it a risk? Yes, but the Galactic Empire is all about living on the risk. Thinking outside of the box. What do they expect us to do having destroyed three of our battle stations already? Not build another obviously. But then we don’t do that. I read the Steve Jobs biography over the new Year to cheer me up and I think his do the unexpected philosophy ‘Think different’ is very much aligned with what we’re trying to do. Look, we call ourselves the First Order, even though it’s obvious we’re the second. That’s all you need to know.

The Death Star 4 will be open for business sometime in 2018.

ALEC GUINNESS WILL NOT BE IN THE FORCE AWAKENS

HOLLYWOOD – It will be a disappointment to many, but today it was revealed that Alec Guinness will not return to his role as Obi Wan Kenobi in the new film Star Wars: The Force Awakens.

Alec Guinness played Obi Wan Kenobi in the very first Star Wars has been a great favorite of fans, reappearing as a ghost in Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi, but J.J. Abrams in a video interview for Hollywood Reporter revealed that Guinness would not be in Episode 7: The Force Awakens.

Abrams explained, responding to a question from Steve Guttenberg:

I’m afraid we won’t have Obi Wan Kenobi back. Although Ewan MacGregor has been eager, persistent, some might even say borderline stalkery, we just didn’t feel the character would real fit in with our universe and our take on where we wanted to go. As for Alec Guinness, sadly Alec passed away in 2000.

However, some fan sites have reacted with disappointment and anger at the decision. ManyBothansDied.net published a scathing post that went so far as to call for a boycott and dismissed Abrams’ ‘reasons’ as bogus.

Obi Wan Kenobi as played by Alec Guinness is an essential element to the Star Wars mythos and should be included. As for Mr. Guinness being dead, sharp-eyed fans will notice that so is Kenobi in Empire and Jedi. Far from impossible to have the deceased Guinness play the role, if anything, it would be typecasting! I’m sure his ghost would be more than happy to alleviate the tedium of the afterlife with an opportunity to be part of the most successful, Science Fiction/Fantasy franchise in the history of the world.

Star Wars: The Force Awakens will be released in December, 2015. For more on Star Wars click here.

MARK ZUCKERBERG ANNOUNCES DAVID FINCHER BIOPIC


SAN FRANSCICO – Mark Zuckerberg – the creator of Facebook and the billionaire subject of The Social Network – is to write, direct and produce a motion picture of his own based on the life of David Fincher entitled The Director of the Social Network.

We met Mark in a small café. He wore a casual set of PJs with a bathrobe thrown loosely around his shoulders and a pair of Louis Vuitton flip flops on his feet. He sits down unobtrusively, making room on a nearby seat for his pillow pet, Ralph.

So Mark, a film about the life of David Fincher. Tell us more.

Yeah, well. The fact of the matter is I saw The Social Network and I thought, yeah… You know. Like. But then as time went round I thought maybe unfriend. Maybe. And then I thought what if I did what he did but did it about him. So that’s how I thought of The Director of The Social Network.

Who is going to play Fincher?

I wanted to at first. Me. I thought Mark Zuckerberg: actor, director, producer, billionaire, big game hunter. But then I thought wait a minute. Phew. Wait. Wait. And I called Jesse Eisenberg and he said ‘yeah okay’ and that was it. I didn’t think it’d be so easy. So I had my Fincher.

What’s the story?

At first I was going to do a film about the whole of his career. The Madonna videos and Return of the Jedi and Alien 3, but then I thought, nah. He didn’t do the bit where I get my first bicycle. So I’m going to concentrate on him directing The Social Network. And he’s gonna be arguing with Brett Ratner (Armie Hammer) who claims that he directed The Social Network and David Fincher is gonna say ‘If you could’ve directed The Social Network, you would have directed The Social Network, Brett’. And Bret is just gonna eat shrimp and shut up.

Are you friends with David Fincher?

That’s the end of the film. Fincher asks for my friendship. He’s looking really sad and needy. Like a lonely nerd head and you know do I give him my friendship. Well, you’ll have to see the film.

The Director of the Social Network starts filming next month.

NASA DISCOVER ‘ORIGINAL DEATH STAR’

 HOUSTON – The NASA satellite Intense 7 has discovered the original Death Star featured in Star Wars (AKA Star Wars Episode IV A New Hope) orbiting Phobos, the forest moon of Mars.


‘We were all watching the pictures coming in on a live feed,’ says NASA engineer, Edna Hoopla. ‘And someone said look it’s heading towards that small moon. And someone said … I swear to God someone said, “That’s no moon. That’s a space station.” And someone else said, “That’s way too big to be a space station” and, you know, we went on for quite a bit, because, you know, we’re nerds.’


The Death Star was constructed in 1976 for the filming of the original George Lucas blockbuster, but Studio Exec can now exclusively reveal that the destruction of the Death Star was accomplished via a ‘special effect’ using a ‘model’.

Building began in 1976

Concerns were almost immediately raised by Jimmy Carter among others, that the Death Star could easily fall into the wrong hands and if that were to happen the terrible consequences would be terrible. Lucas set minds to rest by claiming the Death Star would be destroyed at the conclusion of filming and indeed its destruction made up a vital plot point in the film, but

President Obama issued a statement responding to the news saying that on the one hand the administration was very angry with Mr Lucas and would be demanding the answers to some very tough questions, but when pushed about what measures the administration might take against Mr Lucas reminded the press that ‘when all was said and done George Lucas does have a Death Star.’

The discovery of the Death Star comes days after the scientific proof that the force really does exist as like an actual thing  (CLICK HERE for more on that story), but thus far Mr. Lucas has refused to comment although an evil snickering could be heard on a recording that played to anyone dialing the Skywalker Ranch.

Star Wars 7 will be released in 2015.