CHRISTIAN BALE BUILDS SECRET MOUSE ARMY

HOLLYWOOD – You know him as the star of such movies as The Big Short, The Knight of Cups and Exodus: Gods and Kings, but Christian Bale has also spent the last five years building up a secret mouse army, it was revealed today.

Christian Bale, star of Rescue Dawn, The Dark Knight and American Psycho, popped in to the Studio Exec bungalow to explain revelations that broke about his 15,000 strong mouse army mustered in a secret location somewhere in Colorado.

I’ve always been fascinated by rodents in general and the possible military application an organised horde of cheese nibblers could have. Imagine if you will the desert in Syria. The terrorists are just breaking for lunch and in the distance they hear this thundering. The ground begins to tremble. But it isn’t in the distance, it’s actually really close and over the dunes arrive 15,000 mice, led by me in a chariot. I would be in my famous Berserker mode, probably quite thin for this one. And we’d just cut them to pieces.

But surely…

I thought of that. I tie tiny little razor blades to the ankles of the mice and so when they just run straight through the ISIS people it’s just blood spurt and arterial spray everywhere. The squeaking of the mice will be deafening along with the screams of dying Jihadists.

Where did you even come up with such a scheme?

Werner Herzog.

Oh that makes sense.

We are already in talks with the US military about our deployment and I would remind them that they said no boots on the ground. They didn’t say anything about tiny mice feet.

The Big Short is on general release. Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

WERNER HERZOG’S BEYONCE DOCUMENTARY BANNED IN POLAND

WARSAW – The new Werner Herzog documentary charting a year in the life of pop diva Beyoncé – and entitled Bouncy Beyoncé – will not be shown in the central European country of Poland, because authorities have declared it ‘non-existent’. 

Werner Herzog said that he was disappointed but not at all surprised.

The Poles have always had a certain degree of intolerance when it comes to esoteric Austrian filmmakers such as me charting the lives of pop royalty. It is not the first time I’ve run into trouble with the powers that be and I’m sure it won’t be the last. My documentary on Sheena Easton was stopped at the border in 1984 and the negatives burnt. Unfortunately they were the only copy of the film we had which means that today the film has become one of those legendary lost films.

However, Bogdan Ztrojewski – the Minister for Culture and Arts – angrily denied Herzog’s version of events. 

We have never heard of this Bounce Beyoncé ; we have never seen this Bounce Beyoncé. Personally I would be delighted to see a year in the life of Beyoncé Knowles by the talented if eccentric director of Fitzcarraldo and Rescue Dawn. However, this is not the first time that Mr. Herzog has claimed that we have suppressed a hagiographic film  about a glamorous female vocalist. In 1984 he claimed that we had burnt a film about Sheena Easton! As if we would do such a thing! I mean, For Your Eyes Only was the best song to come out of the Bond franchise bar none. Frankly, I’m baffled by this behavior.

Fortunately, Bouncy Beyoncé will be released throughout the rest of Europe and North America in 2016.

WERNER HERZOG’S RECIPE FOR WILD MUSHROOM RISOTTO

HOLLYWOOD – The latest in a series in which guest columnist and Austrian film director Werner Herzog writes about arbitrary moments in his life.

I have always been by far the most fantastic cook that you would ever hope to have prepare food for you. When we were making Fitzcarraldo my omelettes were legendary. Klaus Kinski once broke a man’s spine because the fool had accidentally got in-between Kinski and some bouillon I had prepared for him. The poor man died horribly, but Kinski was not to be crossed and far once I did not feel his rage excessive.

While making Rescue Dawn, Christian Bale and Steve Zahn were both placed on starvation diets so that they would begin to seem closer to the state their characters’ prisoners of war predicament. This was particularly trying for them as I insisted on preparing the most mouthwateringly delicious barbecues every night for the rest of the crew. When filming was over I had promised that I would cook for them as well, and indeed I did so during a fantastic wrap party, but as a joke I prepared only the meager prison rations of worms that they had been eating. Christian and Steve couldn’t stop crying they were so amused.

Legend has spread of my culinary prowess and so I thought I would share one of my favorite recipes with you, my dear Studio Exec friends: Wild mushroom risotto.

The first thing you must do is go to the woods and collect the mushrooms. Now most people would warn you to be cautious about which mushrooms to pick but such caution is simply a pale version of mind death. These are WILD mushrooms remember. Not tame mushrooms. So pick the mushrooms and if you have picked poison ones you will die. But you will have lived.

Once you have your wild mushrooms, go home and make your risotto.

For more wisdom from Werner Herzog, Click Here.

CHRISTIAN BALE ARRESTED FOR HAVING ‘A CRUEL FACE’

HOLLYWOOD – Christian Bale was arrested in the early hours of this morning and charged with being in possession of a cruel face, according to officers of the LAPD.

He was apprehended while walking alone in the vicinity of the hotel where he was allegedly staying. An LAPD statement read:

A 39 year old Caucasian male was stopped by officers at approximately 2 AM Monday morning. When questioned the man replied politely that he ‘was taking the air’, but the officers on closer inspection decided that the man was in possession of a ‘cruel face, that looked like it would be scary to wake up beside.’

Various law enforcement agencies have begun to clamp down on  dead eyed expressions and people with sardonic smiles, as well as the usual suspects: ‘eyes too close together’, ‘face I want to slap’ and ‘looking funny’. It is believed Christian Bale fell into cruel face category. Face expert Jonty Piers said:

Bale looks like the kind of man who makes love in silence, emitting the occasional thin giggle. He probably watches It’s a Wonderful Life dry-eyed from start to finish. I’m not saying he’s a cruel man. I’m just saying his face looks like it belongs to a cruel man. 

Christian Bale will most likely get let off with caution, although if he is charged, then fully expect a Bale Bailed headline in the next few hours. 

American Hustle and Out of the Furnace both feature Christian Bale’s cruel face.

BALE BAILED

MIAMI – Christian Bale is once more a free man as he paid a $10,000 bail and had to put up with a number of strained puns from presiding judge, Justice R. Peters. However, the Rescue Dawn superstar is not completely out of the woods as more accusations were made today.
 Morgan Freeman – Bale’s co-star in the Dark Knight Trilogy – also accused the British born actor of having borrowed several box sets including the entire West Wing and the first two Six Feet Under seasons.

‘He also has my last season of Lost,’ said the Shawshanker (as Mr. Morgan prefers to be known). ‘But he can keep that.’

Mr. Bale’s trial is set to go ahead early next year and if found guilty, he could face the controversial ‘limb-utation’, which has only recently been assigned as a punishment to DVD Box Set Borrowing infringements.