HATEFUL EIGHT: ON SET REPORT

COLORADO – Quentin Tarantino’s new Western The Hateful Eight began filming this week in Telluride and the Studio Exec was invited EXCLUSIVELY to witness proceedings by QT himself.

It is cold in Colorado this time of year and snowy, but Quentin Tarantino is wearing his trade mark Hawaiian shirt and his motor mouth is going at 180 rpm.

Hey, SE do you know that Miley Cyrus’ Wrecking Ball is about a guy with a big dick. ‘You wre-e-eck me!’ You see? Jesus it’s just no fun no more. It’s so obvious.

The first shot involves Samuel L. Jackson and Channing Tatum, along with Mike Myers, Jan Michel Vincent, Mickey Rourke, Kevin James and Renee Zellwegger getting out of a stagecoach. It takes about two hours to shoot. During lunch I ask QT about the gestation of the film.

Well, I was really upset when the script leaked so I totally rewrote it. This one would never leak on the internet I decided (read the revised Hateful Eight script HERE). The first idea I had was not to make the film at all but do it, I mean perform it as a dance, but I talked it over with Harvey Keitel and he told me he thought it was – and I quote –  a ‘f*cking awful idea’. So I settled on making a film.

With Django Unchained you were obviously very influenced by the Spaghetti westerns. Do they continue to be an influence?

No, I want to do something else, something more purely American. So I just watched Bonanza over and over again and that became my key text. The only reason I haven’t mentioned it in interviews before is because of the plagiarism fuss, what with Spiderbaby and everything. So actually if you don’t mind not mentioning it.

Absolutely. And your casting choices? You’re using Kevin James I see.

Yeah Kevin is one of the most natural comic talents we’ve got . He’s like our Belushi, but a postmodern Belushi. Like if you had Belushi but he wasn’t funny, or charismatic. That’d basically be Kevin.

Will he be funny in this role?

Absolutely not.

And with that Quentin is called away to film the next set up: a gunfight between Joaquin Phoenix and Benedict Cumberbatch’s agent.

The Hateful Eight will be in cinemas in 2015.

 

BANKSY REVEALED TO BE HUGH GRANT

LONDON – Infamous street artist and director and subject of Exit Through the Gift Shop, Banksy has finally revealed his true identity to be none other than Four Weddings and a Funeral star Hugh Grant.

The Mickey Blue Eyes star told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

It started off as something of a joke, a way of relaxing. I was coming home from a late night with Alan Rickman one night and I said, ‘Here’s larks Alan. Lets paint two policemen snogging!’ Well, Alan thought the idea ripping. The next morning I woke up and the clothes I was sleeping in were specked with paint and I had a vague memory of doing something naughty. It was only when I was on my way to get the paper that I saw the mural and realised what I’d done.

So it was initially an act of light hearted vandalism?

Quite right. A jape if you will. But it soon became more serious. I started thinking in images and I do like and admire street artists so I began to emulate them and I became much more ambitious and as I did my image became progressively more political and even revolutionary.

Did you ever fear you’d be found out?

Not after I got caught with the prostitute. I knew that was the perfect ruse. You see the media had me pegged as a floppy haired fop with a taste for the rough. A perfect cover for what I was becoming: a latter day William Blake, a visionary visual artist with a thirst for overcoming social injustice and thumbing my nose at the authorities. I would sit on the set of About a Boy and doodle new ideas. Once Renee Zellwegger spotted my notebook, but luckily she was squiffy and couldn’t make much sense of it. Bless.

What inspired you to reveal yourself now?

I want to start getting some more credit. I know I’m not the best actor in the world, but my street art has really gained recognition. There’s a deleted scene of Exit through the Gift Shop where I reveal who I am but we cut it out because we knew that everyone would think it was a joke and I’m tired of being one of those.

Hugh Grant’s new one man show Banksy and Me will be showing at the Old Vic in 2015.

RENEE ZELLWEGGER’S NEW FACE CAUSES MOCK HORROR

HOLLYWOOD – Renee Zellwegger’s new face came as a shock to exactly the same grubby bunch of journalists and money hungry plastic surgeon who pressure women into worshiping at the altars of eternal youth and fascistic body conformity in the first place.

Fox News invited a plastic surgeon Dr. Todd Schliffstein to speculate on what plastic surgery she has had done, if indeed she has had any. Botox he reckoned. Among other things.

CNN headlined an article ‘Is that you Renee Zellwegger?’ and compared it to the great Jennifer Grey nose disaster of 1999.

The British tabloid the Daily Mail employed the Dr. Alex Karidis, another plastic surgeon who hasn’t been employed by Renee Zellwegger but is still happy to make money off of yet more prima facie speculation blandly daubed with modal verbs to avoid legal ramifications.

Oh, dear. The mock horror, the drivel, the pointlessness.

Oh Renee, you had us at misogyny!

THE EXPENDABLES 3 CAST LIST RELEASED

HOLLYWOOD – Ever since the baffling success of The Expendables 2, rumors have been rife about who will be included in the next installment The Expendables 3 of the geriatric action franchise.

The Studio Exec can now exclusively reveal the cast list in full.

Kelsey Grammer, Christopher Plumber, Elia Wallach and Max Von Sydow team up with Sylvester Stallone et al to kick some enemy butt.

Chip

Expendables 3: It is a Country For Old Men sees the mercenaries escape the clutches of evil Nurse Ratchet (Renee Zellweger) and fly away to Thirdworldonia, where the evil warlord Grampus, played by out-of-retirement Kelsey Grammer, is building an army of They-all-look-the-same-to-me-ites. Plumber plays young newcomer to the team, Jock and Eli Wallach will be his younger brother Chip. Max Von Sydow describes himself as the baby of the group, Joey, who is an expert in explosives and cocoa.

Expendables 3: 
It is a Country For Old Men will be made, released and forgotten in 2014.