HOLLYWOOD – The 2013 Russian science fiction movie Hard to Be a God is going to get an English language remake by none other than Pixar.
Aleksy German’s Hard to Be a God – an adaptation of Boris Strugatsky’s novel – has taken almost 50 years to make. It took six years to film and then German died in 2013 while still trying to complete it, leaving his son the task to complete the sound mix and release the film. The synopsis reads:
A group of scientists are sent to the planet Arkanar to help the local civilization, which is in the Medieval phase of its own history, to find the right path to progress. Their task is a difficult one: they cannot interfere violently and in no case can they kill. The scientist Rumata tries to save the local intellectuals from their punishment and cannot avoid taking a position. As if the question were: what would you do in God’s place?
The film is a three hour epic dripping in mud and stink. Pixar are looking to make it into an animated movie. A source close tot he studio told the Studio Exec:
The original is amazing, but we can’t remake it in that way. We are looking to make stuff that isn’t necessarily for children and this will be our first film. But we are going to cut down on the people taking shits scenes. Lewis Black is going to do the voice of Rumata and Billy Eichner is already signed on,along with Reese Witherspoon.
HOLLYWOOD – Finally the speculation is over as Scarlett Johansson signs up to star in the Hillary Clinton bio-pic provisionally entitled Rodham.
Director James Ponsoldt stated:
We’re very pleased to have an actress of Scarlett’s calibre with us. Looking over her CV we can see she has everything it takes for her to tackle such a complex individual as the former First Lady and Democratic presidential candidate. She’ll need the tenacity and strength of the Black Widow, the droll humour of Ghost World and when it comes to Bill, she has the romantic comedy of He’s Just Not That Into You to fall back on.
Originally Reese Witherspoon was considered a favourite for the role but as an insider close to the production rather cruelly pointed out: ‘When even a state trooper doesn’t know who you are, then, well, no one knows who you are’. Ms. Johansson has often professed her interest in politics and her admiration for Hillary Clinton in particular. ‘She’s the one with the hair, right?’ she said, once. The film will focus on her early life and the beginnings of her relationship with Bill, who will be played by James Franco. Franco said that in preparation for the role ‘I inhaled’. Rodham is due to start filming later this year.
HOLLYWOOD – Matthew McConaughey’s Civil War time travel comedy previously known as the Free State of Jones has got a change of name and direction: Home Alone: Origins.
Although originally billed as a serious drama, director Gary Ross said the change of direction had been motivated by the star himself. He spoke with the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:
Matthew was very concerned that he had done perhaps one too many gritty role. He’d got his Oscar and it had served him well and his roster looked just a gritty with the the new Reese Witherspoon dramaGritty Mud coming up. So we got together and we thought what can we do to return Matthew to the zone of Failure to Launch and Fool’s Gold. The glory years as we call them.
Well, we had the rights to the Home Alone series and we decide wouldn’t it be fun to do a kind of Lost in Time prequel. What if Kevin (Macaulay Culkin) was staying at his mad scientist uncle’s place, played by McConaughey, and he accidentally got trapped in a time machine and left behind at the time of the Civil War. The uncle has to go back in time to find his nephew. Meanwhile, Kevin goes from bloody battlefield to bloody battlefield, playing a key role in victories and defeats, using improvised cartoon-like weapons, bowling balls, tennis rackets and buckets of cold water.
Sounds hi-lar-ious. Will Culkin be age appropriate though?
Don’t worry we’ll Serkis him. We’ll need to use a lot of CGI anyway. What we first shot is still quite dark and gruesome. But there was always a darkness to Kevin’s story. And Andy Serkis will be perfect in bringing the out.
And what about the Terminator connection?
I’m glad you asked me that. Of course, that is the other great time travel franchise, so we thought why not tie it in? It’s not as if anyone is actually paying attention anymore to continuity or logic. So yes a T2000 will feature in the film, voiced by Joe Pesci!
HOLLYWOOD – So the Dolby Theater has been hosed down and returned to its daytime occupation as headquarters to the International Illuminati, but what did we learn from the 2015 Oscars?
We sent the Studio Exec FACT squad into the after parties and green room to see what we could see.
1. Filling in for the Beastmaster, Neil Patrick Harris is truly a talented entertainer. A funny comedian – although some of his joke writers need firing – , a wonderful song and dance man and a disturbingly good magician. How else but by magic could he have managed to make me laugh at Jack Black?
2. Patricia Arquette is one cool lady. Not only is her body of work impressive, but her acceptance speech spoke of something real. Along with Reese Witherspoon and her #AskHerMore stance, it’s good to see the sisters doing it for themselves. And while we’re at it good on Melanie Griffith for not mouthing platitudes about her daughter Dakota Johnson’s success in Fifty Shades of Grey. Surely tone deaf red carpet reporters can understand she might not to watch her daughter’s BDSM scenes? Perhaps not.
3. Terrence Howard might find himself replaced by Don Cheadle next year.
4. Following Julianne Moore and Eddie Redmayne’s Oscar victories Hollywood bookshops are going to have to stock up on diagnostic manuals as stars starting looking for the next big disease.
5. Boyhood and Birdman both deserved recognition, as did Selma, Snowpiercer, Get On Up , The f*cking LEGO Movie and a whole bunch of others. We’ve become a list crazed culture and so the Oscars have become if anything more important. Sure it’s meaningless; sure it shouldn’t matter. But meaninglessness is hardly a disqualifying factor in our twitterverse culture. Long may it reign.
HOLLYWOOD – Just in case you haven’t noticed, the Oscars are almost upon us, which I’ll be live tweeting, but until then the Studio Exec would like to offer 5 Oscar predictions.
Here are our Five Oscar Predictions in order of likelihood:
1. Pompeiiwill probably not win as many awards as I have hitherto predicted.
2. The team up of Kanye West and the Beastmaster will make for an electrifying show that will be blown even further into out of space by the arrival of Hawk the Slayer, Flash, the floating head from Zardoz and the planet Krull.
5. Meryl Streep will win another Oscar and Reese Witherspoon, Rosamund Pike, Patricia Arquette, Marion Coutillard, Julianne Moore and Felicity Jones will kill her on stage and eat parts of her body to try and ingest her magic charm. (Then we’ll cut to commercial).
HOLLYWOOD- Reese Witherspoon and Matthew McConaughey are to appear together in a new film that will explore their new gritty unglamorous down and dirty non-romantic comedy roles: Gritty Mud.
The new film – which will be released prior to the 2016 Oscars – tells the story of two down and out drug addicts terminally ill poor people seeking to recover from their personal issues by being dirty and looking thinner than usual. Reese Witherspoon spoke to the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY about her role:
Grit is a beautiful human being but she is someone who has perhaps lived a life that was a little too hard. And so she stops washing and walks a lot and she is treated in a way that is really nasty and she thinks back to the time when other people treated her real nasty. And sometimes she goes weeks without doing any laundry and she never puts any make up because of you know issues and Oscars and stuff.
How do you and Matthew prepare for the role?
Well, Matthew has a real interesting process. He studies himself from three years into the future, because that’s his hero sort of. And then his future self tells him who wins the Oscar in the next two or three Oscars and he aims to make those predictions come true. He was really homophobic in Dallas Buyers Club so he was a bit racist in this one. And I decided that for my character, I would hate people with red hair, because that is like racism but for hair.
And you both look physically different. How did you achieve that?
We both did the Steam Diet.
The Steam Diet?
Yeah you just eat … you know … steam. Buckets and buckets of steam. And I don’t put my make up on so I look different because of that. And then of course we’re really dirty. It ain’t Pleasantsville if you know what I mean.
Paramount announced this morning that Kevin Smith‘s adaptation of the classic 80’s arcade gamePac-Manhas ceased pre-production.
‘We were weeks away from shooting,’ said a studio insider:
But then somebody upstairs accidentally read the script thinking it was a copy of Forbes magazine and the call came to stop everything. Kevin was really distraught, I mean like crying snot bubbles distraught. To be honest it was a sorry, and occasionally stomach churning, sight.
Smith has spent two years working on the movie and last month in a interview with Ain’t it Cool he claimed this was going to be his ‘Best work to date’, but the studio insider disagrees.
Nobody had really bothered reading it as he was doing it for less than 2 million which was Reese Witherspoon’s bar tab last month. As the end of pre-production approached, I read it and it was terrible. Basically, it was Clerks 3 but they dressed Silent Bob up as Pac-Man and the rest of the cast put sheets on their heads and chased him around the convenience store for 2 hours whilst he ate Twinkies. That was bad enough but in other places it was just vulgar. At one point Pac-Man slips into a diabetic coma and Jay fellates him to wake him up but that doesn’t work so they all urinate on him whilst talking about which dead celebrity they’d like to fist f*k. This was supposed to be a kids’ movie for Christ sake!
According to renown critic Peter Travers, obscenity was not Smith’s only crime.
I heard that in one scene Pac-Man implies that he’s Catholic which wouldn’t be so bad if he wasn’t murdered by the ghosts in the third act only to be resurrected by the ‘Coins of God’ in the 4th. Hollywood just won’t commission anything they consider to be Christian propaganda. So it just goes to show if he’d written Pac-Man as a Jew, the cameras might be rolling as we speak.
NAIROBI – In a misconceived Peta protest Reese Witherspoon has captured, killed, butchered, grilled and eaten a lion.
‘I hope by eating this beautiful creature to draw attention to their status as an endangered species,’ Reese Witherspoon wrote in her blog, Eat the Earth. ‘There aren’t many of these wonderful creatures left and now – by eating one of them – there is one less and nothing you can do or say is ever going to change that.’ Reese Witherspoon – who was once in a film I think – has long been an outspoken if occasionally erratic advocate of animal rights. She disrupted the 1998 Oscar ceremony by turning up dressed as a mouse to protest the long history of ‘bias, prejudice and misrepresentation of mice in films’. Peta have occasionally tried to distance themselves from the Legally Blond star, saying that she ‘doesn’t represent nor apparently understand many of our key principles though she is very generous with her time and money.’
LONDON – A British television interview hasrevealed that the films of auteur director Quentin Tarantino are in fact – as some have long contended – violent. The horror and virulent disgust sent bile waves through the film community and saw trusted moral arbiter Reese Witherspoon declaring from now on the name of Quentin Tarantino would be struck from the record of all film chat and talk. Kurt Russell – a one time collaborator – shook his head sadly:
As one who defended Quentin time and again, I have to now hold my hand up and say, in the face of this overwhelming evidence, Quentin must be declared a pariah and forced to walk the earth like Kane from Kung Fu. If he appears on my property though, I’m afraid I’m going to have to shoot the violent son of a bitch.
The interview – which seems to have taken place in what the British call a ‘hotel’ – was conducted by an important news journalist, who repeatedly accused Tarantino of making violent films. Mantle Harmony – spokesperson for QTBS a watchdog body devoted to pissing off the Reservoir Dogs director – said:
Though I am grateful to Krishnan Guru-Murthy for having cornered Tarantino so effectively with his shock revelations, I have contended for years that Tarantino’s films contain occasional scenes of violence. Reservoir Dogs has multiple shooting and an ear amputation, Kill Bill is called kill Bill and in Inglourious Basterds an innocent man with a neat moustache is machine gunned in a horrific way.
Krishnan Guru-Murthy is well known in England for his fearless exposés of nepotism in the British Royal family, the use of violence on battlefields and the dangerous presence of potatoes in packets of what the British call ‘potatoes’. Please vote in our very first poll, ever and you decide whether they are violent or not, over there on the right. My right.
HOLLYWOOD – It was revealed today that the Chris Pine, Reese Witherspooon and Tom Hardy ménage-a-trois This Means Warwas actually supposed to be a comedy. The director Joseph McGinty Nichol – who because of a clerical error has been lumbered with the ludicrous sobriquet McG – revealed in an interview for the academic journal Scrotus: “It was supposed to be a comedy, but I’ll be God-damned if I ever heard anyone laugh.”
Joseph McGinty Nichol
Tom Hardy is still under the impression that he was in a gritty Bourne like spy drama and Reese Witherspoon saw it as a breakout dramatic role for her. Chris Pine was the only member of the cast who was in on the joke that there were supposed to be jokes. “It quickly became apparent that we were creating a deeply offensive pile of steaming effluent,” admitted Joseph McGinty Nichol – AKA McG, “But by then, it was too late, and there was nothing we could do but go on with it and hope that no one would go and see it.” Joseph McGinty Nichol added that he was deeply sorry for anyone who had paid money for a ticket, and would personally pay people back out of his own pocket. “They’ll have to find me first,” he said, laughing. Words he quickly regretted as an international manhunt involving several state security agencies as well as private individuals, corporations and NGOs, was immediately launched by the non-amused. Scrotus is available from all good newsagents.