HOLLYWOOD – Red Dawn writer Carl Ellsworth has written a scathing email to the film’s director Dan Bradley, accusing the director of ruining the original concept, turning it from a sensitive story about an adolescent girl’s coming of age to a violent war film.

Ellsworth’s email leaked when Dan Bradley CCed it to all his friends and most major news outlets:

Hey Dan, 

 I’ve just got back from a preview and I have to say I’m furious. When I first broached the idea of making Red Dawn: Jenny’s Morning to the studio, I made it abundantly clear that the script had nothing to do with the 1981 John Milius film that happened to a similar title. I was assured this would not be an issue and the studio was extremely pleased to make a ground-breaking sensitive film documenting a young girl on the cusp of womanhood. When they hired you, I brought up my concerns once more. After all, you are (ahem) a stunt man, with a load of action movie credits. I didn’t really see you as a good fit for telling Jenny’s story. You said you were hundred percent behind the material, but again my suspicions were aroused when you hired Chris Hemsworth in the role of Jenny. At first I thought you were thinking out of the box. Then I noticed that the character’s name had been changed to Jed. As the we prepared for production I noticed that discussions moved with alarming speed away from menstrual cycles and towards motorcycles, away from Jenny’s mother having to juggle her family commitment with her career and to North Korea invading America. Now I see the film I realize that you had no intention of actually making my film and you simply used my script as an excuse to remake the 1981 action film. Under these circumstances I think we should cut our losses and take off the subtitle Jenny’s Morning which simply doesn’t make sense any more.      


PHNOM PENH – News came in last night of a frantic and heroic mission carried out under the leadership of veteran Navy Seal and part time actor Charlie Sheen to ‘capture and extract’ John Milius from the jungle near the Cambodian border where he was ruling as warrior/filmmaker/king protected by the cast and crew of the (unnecessary) Red Dawn remake.
Under strictest secrecy Seal team 8 penetrated Cambodian territory and fought through Milius’ lines until they cornered the Big Wednesday director who despite his adoption of a suit of parakeet feathers was still recognizable by his trademark baseball cap. The operation was the culmination of weeks of preparation under the firm hand of Sean Penn who was called in at the last minute when Clint Eastwood had to pull out due to his pending court case with Ikea concerning the veteran filmmakers harassment of a stool set.

John Milius

Charlie Sheen was accompanied by Emilio Estevez as the Repo Man – as he prefers to be called – had nothing to do on a Tuesday anyway.
When asked whether Michael Biehn was also involved a Pentagon spokesman said, ‘Who?’

Milius will share a cell in Guatanamo with Michael Bay who was recently captured in Vietnam after attempting to restart the war because it would be ‘you know exciting.’