47 FILMS: 45. THE LONG RIDERS

In our continuing series of 47 films to see before you are murdered in your dreams we present Walter Hills The Long Riders.

Walter Hill has had a strange career as a director. He’s produced some stone cold classics – 48 Hours, Extreme Measures, Southern Comfort to name a few. He’s directed the first episodes of the TV show Deadwood and was a writer and producer on the Alien franchise. He made Brewster’s Millions for crying out loud. And yet he never seems to get the recognition he deserves. Perhaps this is because some of his best work feels like it’s been influenced by past masters. The Warriors is a New York Clockwork Orange. The Driver has Bullitt written all over it. And The Long Riders is the best Western Sam Peckinpah never made. It also doesn’t help that he’s made some dross like gender realignment thriller The Assignment.

The Long Riders is another telling of the Jesse gang which takes as its gimmick the casting of real life brothers Stacy Keach and James Keach in the leads. Along with Keith Carradine, David Carradine and Robert Carradine as the Younger brothers. Randy Quaid and Dennis Quaid are here. Christopher Guest and Nicholas Guest play the Ford brothers. The overwhelming impressions is people had a lot of brothers in those days.

The story is familiar enough, but Hill films the action brilliantly. A protracted shootout in a town produces a bloodbath worthy of Peckinpah. The sound of the bullets played backwards creates a nightmarish ambience. And unlike Peckinpah there actually seems to be pain in the violence. The performances are all top class though it’s fun to notice which brothers come off best. James Keach has a dead-woodenness that actually suits his role. Soundtrack by Ry Cooder is also fantastic.

For more of our 47 Films to see before you’re murdered in your dreams CLICK HERE.

JAMES LIPTON CONFESSES HE’S NEVER SEEN A FILM IN HIS LIFE

NEW YORK – Host of Inside the Actors Studio James Lipton admitted today that he has never seen a film in his life and often doesn’t know the name of the person he is interviewing.

James Lipton is famous for his erudite and in depth interviews with world famous actors, which seek to get away from the celebrity nonsense and go deep into an exploration of the craft of acting. However, in a drunken conversation with the Studio Exec last night James Lipton came clean that he actually has never seen a film in his life:

I don’t own a television. I go to the opera and I like going to the theater, but no, television no and I’ve never been to the cinema. If I’m in a bar or a restaurant and there’s a television, I go some place else unless they’re showing the game. I despise the cathode tube and the tyranny of the gaudy, but we run an actors studio and so I suppose that we must have other actors who have some exposure in order to heighten our profile.

So how do you prepare for interviews?

I don’t. I have a team of researchers and they do everything and I read all the questions off little cards they give me. It was very embarrassing once when we had Randy Quaid on and I read him all of Sylvester Stallone’s questions! Ha! I even called him the wrong name. But no one seemed to mind. I cultivate a reputation for eccentricity. I just fix my smile and nod. If you watch the program closely you can see I’m grinning but there is a fear in my eyes.

But you are a noted…?

Yes, well. It’s easy after all to fake it when you get used to it. All you have to do is say that everyone is wonderful and from what I’ve heard not seeing the films is actually an advantage when I have to interview someone like, oh I don’t know, Matt Damon.

And the Inside the Actors Studio Motion Picture?

Yes, that is going ahead. I have finished the script and it involves me and William Shatner. We live together in a bachelor pad and have a pet monkey called Simon.

Sounds great. 

Simon is great and Bill Shatner provides comic relief.

Inside the Actors Studio: The Motion Picture will be released in 2018.

FREE RANDY QUAID

MONTREAL – The savior of the Earth Randy Quaid and his wife Evi were arrested by Canadian immigration authorities yesterday and is being held pending deportation.

For years many believed falsely that Randy Quaid had died during his heroic defense of the Earth which destroyed the Mothership of the alien hordes just as they were about to finalize their invasion of Earth. It later was revealed by the Studio Exec that the hero was actually alive and well and living in Canada. A modest self-effacing man, Mr. Quaid was fleeing the adulation and demi-God like worship that such a heroic figure would receive as his due. However, the Canada of Stephen Harper is not a kind place for immigrants, even if you have saved the World from the yoke of an Alien master race. Randy Quaid and his wife were detained and a hearing to decide whether they will be deported or not will be held.

The Studio Exec believes that this is a horrific attack on an individual who has done more for this planet and for the human race than any other person in the history of mankind, with the possible exception of Jesus and/or Mohammad (delete where appropriate).  And so we are launching a campaign to free Randy Quaid and his wife from the clutches of Canadian bureaucracy.  He saved the Earth and therefore we owe him a debt of gratitude. Yes, even Canadians. If you are Canadian please write to your government. If you’re not Canadian, be selective when buying bacon, or syrup. Spread this story as far and wide as you possibly can. And if anyone contradicts the FACTS, send them to the Studio Exec, the only Movie Website to deal in FACTS.

Gary: the Tennis Coach 2 will be released in 2016.

THE HEMSWORTHS TO FIGHT THE BALDWINS

HOLLYWOOD – In what is being tipped as the biggest family-based Hollywood celebrity rumble since the Carradines took on the Quaids, the Hemsworth brothers and the Baldwin gang are to thrash it out down by the railway tracks at half past ten tonight (no knives).

In what is set to look like some weird generation mismatch from The Outsiders, Luke, Liam and Chris Hemswoth will take on Alec, Daniel, William and Stephen Baldwin. ‘We’re going to kick seven shades of sh*t out of those assholes,’ said the usually very polite Luke, who for some reason seemed to be upset about something. ‘Chris is bringing his hammer.’

Alec Baldwin spoke for his family:

What we are looking forward to

The Hemsworths have been riding us for months. “Move out the way old men! Hey d’ya drop ya teeth?” Well, I’m in the mood to dropkick them into next Thursday. Stephen’s given up Christianity especially so he can gouge eyes out and not feel bad. And are there going to be inappropriate and inexplicable racial epithets flying? You bet.

The match will be refereed by the Armie Hammer twins and is being televised on Netflix.


Tweet about it using the hash tag #ChrisLukeLiamHemsworthvsAlecWilliamDanielStephenBaldwinrumble2015.

47 FILMS: 3. PARENTS

47 Films to see before you’re murdered in your dreams continues with Bob Balaban’s debut horror Parents.

The family is a good place to start when it comes to horror, be it Norman Bates’ mother complex, the psycho family from Texas Chainsaw Massacre or even the sweet demonic daughter from The Exorcist. Just getting pregnant can be scary – see Rosemary’s Baby, or in a weird way Alien!

A welcome addition to the sub-genre is Bob Balaban’s 1989 horror-comedy Parents. Set in a 1950s American culture that worshiped the sanctity of the nuclear family, Dad (Randy Quaid) knows best while Mom (Mary Beth Hurt) prepares the meatloaf, entertains guests, wearing bouncy frocks and without a hair out of place. Unfortunately, their young son (Bryan Madorsky) is having nightmares and seems to be focused on their eating habits with mounting suspicion. Endlessly told to eat his meat, the ‘leftovers’, he asks what were the leftovers, before they were leftovers. ‘Leftovers to be,’ replies his dad with a grin, but it soon becomes apparent that the meat is of a much terrifying provenance. Could it be that his parents are feasting on human flesh?

Balaban – an actor famous for his character roles in films such as Close Encounters of the Third Kind and Deconstructing Harry – gives the film a jaunty ironic tone with a soundtrack made up of Golden Oldies. This is Tim Burton territory of a hyper-stylized pastel bright suburban America as if they all just popped off the back of an old cornflakes packet, but he infuses it with a darkness that seems more Lynchian. The child is powerless before his  parents and their bland cheery authority. The school tries to help but the social worker (Sandy Dennis) is a chain smoking mass of neuroses herself. Dad works at Toxico and is developing Agent Orange to wreak havoc in the Third World and there are suggestions later on that the cannibalism is not so much an aberration as a family tradition.

Balaban brilliant makes the normal horrifying and the comforting disconcerting, what should be a tasty hearty meal becomes an inedible terror.

For more of our 47 Films to see before you’re murdered in your dreams Click HERE.

INDEPENDENCE DAY SAVIOR ALIVE AND WELL AND LIVING IN CANADA

HOLLYWOOD – It was revealed today that the pilot who saved mankind by flying into the mother ship – featured in the lightly fictionalized documentary Independence Day – is actually not dead at all, but alive and well and living in Canada.

In the Independence Day Battle, the extraterrestrials were defeated by a combination of Jeff Goldblum’s brains, Will Smith’s Top Gun bravado and Randy Quaid’s mild insanity. It was the latter which finally paid off, allowing Quaid to pilot his plane on a suicidal trajectory into the mother ship where a computer virus destroyed the aliens and handed an eleventh hour victory to the beleaguered humans.  It seemed obvious that Quaid had heroically sacrificed his life so that the human race might live, but it has been revealed that he is actually living in a hotel room somewhere in Canada with his wife/Rupert Murdoch.

Ex-President Bill Pullman spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

I have heard reports before that Randy was alive, but I just don’t see how he could possibly have survived the explosion. I mean it was like something out of a Michael Bay movie. I know. I was there. I would put this sort of evidence right up there with the stuff about Elvis still being alive, or the Loch Ness Monster or something.

But wasn’t Randy actually a conspiracy theory nut himself? Couldn’t this be the case that he’d be exactly the sort of person to do this?

I’ll admit that the picture you have looks like Randy Quaid and I will also admit that he was a personality that was … let us say unique. But he was also a hero of enormous proportions and a great American. To say that he somehow slipped away from the wreckage and went to Canada! Canada of all places! No, that just won’t stand. That is besmirching the memory of a great American hero and the brother of a really fine actor.

And yet the photographic evidence seems compelling, as was admitted by Dr. Brundlefly. ‘It certainly looks like Randy would look after all these years have passed,’ said Goldblum. ‘And yet living in Canada… I mean he was probably so busy wondering if he could do it, he didn’t stop to ask himself if he should do it.’

What do you think? Fill the comment box below with your own insensate nonsense. 

INDEPENDENCE DAY DAY

HOLLYWOOD – Today is the annual celebration of the fourth of July, or Independence Day Day, as it has been known since the defeat of the alien invasion some years ago.

Under the presidency of Bill Pullman the Earth was subject to an unprecedented attack by extraterrestrial forces which were then defeated by a combination of Brundle Fly, the Fresh Prince of Bell Air and Dennis Quaid’s demented brother. All over the country, parties are being organized to celebrate the coming together of disparate parts of our nation in order to defeat the common foe. The White House has been rebuilt and New York repaired, but the psychological scars of that day remain fresh.

One witness spoke exclusively to the Studio Exec under strict request for anonymity:

We fled in thousands. In millions. There were many who left everything behind. Who lost everything. And worse than that, worse even than the grief for those who had died was the utter hopelessness. We had thrown everything we had at the aliens and they seemed impervious. Our navy, our army and our air force aside from some mavericks had all had their butts handed to them. We had stared up at the aliens hoping that they would relent, that some mercy would be forthcoming, but instead they rained down death on us. If it hadn’t been for President Bill Pullman and Dennis Quaid’s dingbat brother, the Earth would have been placed under the dominion of a foreign army, or more likely the Human race would simply have been exterminated.

Independence Day Day will be celebrated by the Studio Exec with a head hung in sorrow as well as joy.

RANDY QUAID AND RUPERT MURDOCH TO MARRY

HOLLYWOOD – Independence Day actor and Starwhacker activist Randy Quaid is due to marry Rupert Murdoch sometime next year ‘once our divorce are through’.

The revelation came as a turn around following a YouTube video which showed Randy Quaid having sex with his wife while she wore a Rupert Murdoch mask. The Brokeback Mountain star spoke EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec:

It was weird. Really late at night and the phone rang. A voice on the other end said ‘This is Rupert. I’m outside. Can we meet?’ At first I thought it was someone playing a trick but I went out and sure enough there was Rupert Murdoch waiting for me.

According to Quaid, the Australian media mogul had seen the video and thought it was the ‘sexiest thing he had ever seen.’ The two went for drinks to resolve their differences, ‘and one thing led to another.’

It’s the craziest thing in the world I know but Rupert is going to put me on the straight and narrow. He’s a very gentle and very moral man. He said the first thing we had to do was divorce our wives and though I love Evi, I know that this is a new chapter in my life and she can’t be part of that.

Rupert Murdoch, who is worth $14.5 BILLION, has filed divorce proceedings against his wife and is currently crafting a stringent prenuptial agreement. Quaid continued:

Rupert has said he will take care of my legal troubles and some of my financial problems too. We’re planning on a very quiet ceremony. In fact Rupert said I’m not to tell anyone the location and to come unarmed. I don’t know why he said that. Oh, and he wants me to cut my beard off because he says it makes me look a little bit like Santa Claus, but if Santa Claus was a psychopath.

More details on the forthcoming nuptials of Randy Quaid and Rupert Murdoch will be published as we get them.

MY FAVORITE FILM: VLADIMIR PUTIN

MOSCOW – Hi Everybody! It’s me Vladimir Putin, Judo/Action star, best friends with Gerard Depardieu and … oh I run this little country called Russia, ha ha ha! No, seriously, it is actually very big.

We’re having this Winter Olympics thing with the skiing, the luge, the figure skating I don’t like so much. So to help drum up publicity my friend the Studio Exec said I could talk about my favorite film. So here goes.

Brokeback Mountain is a fantastic movie. First of all I love Westerns. Men in the wilderness being men. Looking after sheep (in this case) and spending Man time together, looking at the Manscape. They’re both married so that’s fine, but they are so manly they don’t really have much interest in their wives. As we say in Russia, “Only gays kiss girls!”

I love the actors. Jake Gyllenhaal is great, I really loved Donnie Darko as well, but in this he is better. He has such dark eyes. You really feel you could swim in them and I don’t know… sink beneath the surface of their moist sadness into a soft dream. And Heath Ledger is great! Wow, he can act. I liked him as the Joker as well. What happened to him? He’s so talented. Why isn’t he in more films?

I’m not quite sure what the story is really about. To be perfectly frank, I’m often so tired from running a police state, abusing human rights and wrestling other men while wearing what could be described as pyjamas until we’re all sweaty and spent, I often nod off during a film and Brokeback Mountain does have this soothing music. Randy Quaid is in it as well. He’s fantastic though he looks like he didn’t get paid enough. 

All I know is that Brokeback Mountain is a healthy invigorating film, about life in the great outdoors. It has two fine young men in it, who stand boldly erect as models of pure virtuous manliness. And there’s also a sadness because, naturally, one of them dies and life is hard. I can never watch this film without being deeply moved in a manly way. Anyway, those minorities are not going to repress themselves. I’ve enjoyed talking about ‘My Favorite Film’. 

Do Svidaniya! 

For more Favorite Films, Click HERE.

DENNIS QUAID’S INNERSPACE THEMED RESTAURANT A BUST

ATLANTA – People said Dennis Quaid was crazy when he poured his entire fortune into six top of the line eating establishments based on the theme of Joe Dante’s 1987 hit movie Innerspace. And they were right.

Diners have largely stayed away from the restaurants – each of which is designed to look like the inside of a human body. Quaid explained at the opening of the flagship restaurant in Atlanta last March:

Guests will arrive and be shrunk in the foyer by the maître-de. Then they’ll be injected into the body via the tear duct. In all our establishments there will then be offered a choice of dining experiences. You can enjoy a kebab in the lung lounge – No Smoking allowed – or perhaps you’d prefer a salad in the pancreas, a cheese smorgasbord in the foot rooms, or red meat lovers can have a juicy steak in the colon. 

Famed restaurant critic Xavier Poulis wrote in his review published in French culinary magazine Flaneur

M. Quaid disgusts me and will disgust all who have the misfortune to frequent one of his establishments, whether it is with the insipidity of his curry served in the lower intestine, or the Great Balls of Fire meat loaf, which is only served in the balls. 

However, Dennis Quaid was unrepentant:

Everyone complains but my brother Randy is here every night. And Marty Short can’t get enough of the place. He comes here so often I joked with him the other night, it’s almost as if you haven’t got anywhere better to be. He laughed so hard he ended up crying.

Brave would-be customers can sample dishes in the Innerspace restaurants now open in Tampa, Atlanta, Manhattan, Los Angeles, Chicago, and Dallas.

JUSTICE LEAGUE PLOT LEAKED

HOLLYWOOD – The new Justice League movie – which is currently in a secret state of pre-production – now has a synopsis based on a treatment of a later draft of the script which fell into the hands of the Studio Exec when Christopher Nolan left his bag in the office.

The plot is an original piece of story telling which promises to make for an epic adventure when it finally arrives on our screen in 2015. Read the full synopsis after the jump.

Nick Fury is director of S.H.I.E.L.D, The Justice League is an international peace keeping agency. The agency is a who’s who of DC Comics Marvel Super Heroes, with Green Lantern Iron Man, Batman, The Incredible Hulk,  Superman,Thor,  Aquaman, Captain America, Flash,  Hawkeye   Martian Manhunter and Black Widow  and Wonder Woman. When global security is threatened by Loki Doctor Light and his cohorts, Nick Fury Superman and his team will need all their powers to save the world from disaster.

Christian Bale has also just announced that he will both be in the film and not be in the film in accordance with his new adherence to the teachings of the Church of Latter Day Randy Quaids, the fastest growing religion ever.

The Justice League will be released in November, 2017.

HUGH GRANT BUILDS HUGE WOODEN TEMPLE TO HIMSELF

CAMBRIDGE – Hugh Grant – media activist, friend to the tabloids and ‘actor’ – has announced plans to build a huge wooden temple dedicated to the worship of himself.

The Mickey Blue Eyes star will start construction on the massive project in the Spring following the passing of planning permission by the Gloucester County Council. 

The temple is based on an Inca temple where human sacrifices regularly took place. Mr. Grant – star of such films as Sirens and Nine Months – said that he wasn’t planning on sacrificing anybody, ‘although there are a few photographers I’ll happily murder p’ha, p’ha, mmmmmm!’

The news comes as part of a disturbing trend of Hollywood actors turning themselves into objects of fervent devotion. Already the Church of the Latter Day Randy Quaids has grown exponentially and is now the biggest religion in the world surpassing more traditional covenants such as Judaism, Christianity and Islam.
‘It is mainly based on his role in Kingpin,’ said church elder, Charlie Bread.
Tom Cruise – a famous actor – also decided that he wanted to set the record straight about Scientology which many regard as a dangerous cult.
‘It is a dangerous cult,’ he said.
Grant in the meantime denies.