GEORGE LUCAS ANNOUNCES TOMB RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK IS GO

HOLLYWOOD – Lara Croft and Indiana Jones meet in a Tomb Raider movie to come.

Today George Lucas confirmed that Lara Croft and Indiana Jones will meet in a new Tomb Raider film, following the debut of Alicia Vikander in the role of the video game hero. Lucas spoke excitedly with the Studio Exec, spraying bits of Pringles everywhere.

Alicia is just amazing and Harrison is getting on. So the idea is we have them team up. Harrison does the cerebral stuff and Alicia kicks ass and gets into scrapes.

How does Steven Spielberg feel about this?

I’m going to be taking the chair for this one.

You’re directing it?

Yes. I don’t want to. I want to do small art films. But I can hear all the people after Force Awakens and Last Jedi shouting from behind the fence: ‘Come back George! Show these bozos how it’s done!’

What’s the story?

Indiana Jones finds out that the Ark of the Covenant has been stolen and he is the only one who can get it back. But – importantly – he has a bad back. And that’s where Lara comes in. She has some daddy issues, so she takes to Indy straight away.

This sounds..

Great! I know.

Tomb Raiders of the Lost Ark is filming right now.

RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK MONKEY DIES

HOLLYWOOD – 2016 claims another victim as esteemed monkey actor famous for Raiders of the Lost Ark dies.

The film world is in mourning today as news came in that George Applethwaite, the monkey actor  most famous for his role in the Indiana Jones adventure Raiders of the Lost Ark has died.

Tributes flooded in from all over the world. Harrison Ford described Applethwaite as ‘a formative influence on my acting style and a great personal friend’ and Andy Serkis hailed the late actor as ‘a pioneer for all of us monkey actors, we all stand on the shoulders of Applethwaite’.

The body of Applethwaite was discovered at his Malibu beach house by a cleaner and although the coroner has not declared the cause of death speculation is rife that he took his own life. Applethwaite shot to fame as the turncoat monkey who betrays Indiana Jones to the Nazis in the first film of the blockbuster franchise. Ironically, Applethwaite was famous for his radical left wing views which sat uncomfortably with the money and fame he garnered with his acting. Protegé Serkis remembered his guru:

George always told me that in another life he would have prefered to have been a writer, someone who could really influence the world. But he was cursed with this gift of acting and once he achieved success there was no stopping him.

Applethwaite followed up his work with Spielberg with Oscar nominated turns as the Austrian Emperor in Amadeus and in the role of the sadistic sergeant in Oliver Stone’s Platoon and a long productive collaboration with Philip Glass. However, in recent years Applethwaite’s career had stalled and a series of scandals involving IRS investigations had led the star into depression and alcohol abuse.

Perhaps the most moving tribute to Applethwaite was paid by John Rhys-Davies, the actor who played Sallah in Raiders, who tweeted two words which said it all:

‘Bad dates’.

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BARACK OBAMA CONSIDERS LAW TO PREVENT INDIANA JONES 5

HOLLYWOOD – The President of the United States of America Barack Obama is considering a possible legislative solution to the imminent threat of Indiana Jones 5.

Responding to the news that Harrison Ford and Steven Spielberg are threatening to follow the unwiped stain of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull with Indiana Jones 5, President Obama has declared his intention to seek some sort of legal ban to prevent the movie being made.

I have spoken with my counterparts in the UN, the European Union, Vladimir Putin and the Chinese and for once the world speaks as one. This movie must not be made. Anyone who saw Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull has repeated solemnly, never again.

The UN had previously shown its resolve when it declared Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull a war crime and sought to bring George Lucas and Steven Spielberg to book for what they had done to a once loved movie franchise. Special envoy to the UN Kurtz Kurts told the Studio Exec:

The original was a rip-roaring adventure with all the charm of the old movie matinees that inspired it. The original trilogy was a trilogy. It told the story and gave a satisfactory arc to the whole proceedings. Crystal Skull by contrast deserves to be dropped into a disused mine shaft and then covered in concrete, which is what we’ve spent over $7 million doing over the last three years. I mean…Shia LaBeouf.

Indiana Jones 5 will be released in 2018.

 

NOT MAKING FILMS: THE STEVEN SODERBERGH DIARIES 7

HOLLYWOOD – Being the Seventh installment of Not Making Films by Steven Soderbergh, we give an intimate window into the life of one of cinema’s most beguiling unemployed talents: Steven Soderbergh.

August, 2014.
I get together with Cinemax to talk about The Knick. It’s going to be ER meets the Boardwalk Empire, I tell them. They’re really pleased. They have some suggestions for casting but I tell them that I would really like Jan Michel Vincent and failing him, Clive Owen.

September, 2014.
Although I’m not making films any more and I’m really relieved to be back behind the camera making television in a cinematic way with Clive Owen among others. Jan Michel Vincent turned me down but Clive is okay. The trick to filming him is to get the hair right. As far as I’m concerned Clive Owen’s hair is the star and it just happens to have Clive Owen swinging beneath it.

October, 2014.

The television isn’t working at the moment. The color is ‘on the blink’, as Clive Owen might say. I was watching Raiders of the Lost Ark in black and white anyway and it occurred to me I should put some acid jazz under this and put it on the internet. I could give some guff like reason for it and see what everyone says. The Knick ceases to interest me. It kind of directs itself now. Raiders of the Lost Ark in black and white. Ha ha. I’ma genius.

November, 2014.

Thanksgiving with Ben and Matt. They’re such jokers those guys and boy can they drink beer. We’re always talking about how I don’t direct films anymore and I say to them, I really like the freedom I have and I’m really happy and I just leave it out there, but they just look at each other and smirk. I’m sure they’re desperate to get me back directing again. The silence whenever it comes up is eloquent.

December, 2014.

I don’t like biscuits anymore.

January, 2015.

I was watching 2001: a Space Odyssey the other day and I missed five minutes because I had to go to the toilet, and then I thought what if I edited 2001: a Space Odyssey? Do you think Kubrick would mind? Of course not, I said to myself. He’s dead. Next month, I’m doing Rocky IV with a new classical score and I’m going to do all the voices.

For more of Not Making Films: The Steven Soderbergh Diaries Click Here.

STEVEN SODERBERGH REMASTERS SCHINDLER’S LIST

HOLLYWOOD – After his recent tinkering with Raiders of the Lost Ark, Stephen Soderbergh is currently working on a new version of Spielberg’s Holocaust epic Schindler’s List.

“I love Spielberg’s movies, he’s a genius and I want to celebrate his genius by experimenting with his entire body of work,” said Soderbergh.

Soderbergh had planned to rework Jaws but he had problems  licensing the music:

The plan was to remove the original soundtrack and play The Village People’s In the Navy on a loop for the entire length of the picture. Unfortunately we were unable to secure the rights because Lars Von Trier acquired them for his upcoming re-imagining of Das Boot.

Disappointed, Soderbergh turned his attention to Schindler’s List and he’s exceptionally pleased with the result:

We’ve changed the entire mood of the picture. Sure, it’s still a concentration camp but when you hear the sound of Bob Marley singing ‘Don’t worry, ’bout a thing,’ it transforms an otherwise harrowing scene into something uplifting.

Other songs featured on the soundtrack are Pete Tosh’s Legalize It, Prince Buster’s Madness and a new version of Lady in Red by Wyclef Jean.

Schindler’s List: The Roots Cut is due for release in 2015.

STEVEN SPIELBERG’S SNAKE BITE ADVICE

 HOLLYWOOD – ‘Snakes! Why did it have to be snakes?’ says Indy in Raiders of the Lost Ark. And why indeed!? But sometimes, it is snakes and having some basic medical advice can be the difference between life and amputation or in extreme cases death.

Hi, I’m Steven Spielberg, director of AlwaysThe Color Purple and Munich, although you probably know me better from the Jurassic Park or Indiana Jones films, especially Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Today I want to give you some advice on what to do if you or your hiking companion is bit by a poisonous snake.
Now there are several deadly snakes in California so the number one priority here is speed. I didn’t get to make several Oscar winning films by being a slow coach, oh no. As soon as you have been bitten, or a member of your party has been bitten, you need to leap into action. My contribution to action cinema is not entirely irrelevant. Aside from the afore-mentioned Raiders of the Lost Ark, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom and Indiana Jones and the Lost Crusade, I also made Tin Tin: the Secret of the Unicorn, which holds up even today. It could be argued that Jaws is in fact a rollicking action movie, but we’re not here to talk about shark bites. No, we’re here to talk about snake bites, which can be, as I said already, deadly. 

Time. Time is important. At the time, Hook and 1941 were treated quite harshly by the critics, but re-watching both those films recently, I think they hold up. Success, though, has a way of creating some quite venomous adversaries. And none more venomous perhaps, than snakes. 


So I hope this has been helpful.


For more advice by Steven Spielberg, CLICK HERE.

AN APPEAL FROM STEVEN SPIELBERG

HOLLYWOOD – Hi, my name is Steven Spielberg, director of such great films as Close Encounters of the Third Kind, Jaws, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Lincoln, War Horse, Sugarland Express, Schindler’s List, Jurassic Park, Catch Me If You Can, Saving Private Ryan, Amistad, Hook, 1941, The Color Purple, Empire of the Sun, Munich and Always.

You might also know me from my executive producer credits on ER, Falling Skies, the Transformers series and many other TV Shows and films. Oh, I also kind of directed Poltergeist, but shhhhh. 

But today I don’t want to talk to you as the director of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, Tin Tin the Secret of the Unicorn and certainly not as the director of The Terminal … to tell you the truth I always try and forget that one. 

No. I’m here to talk to you as a normal human being. A simple man. Cast from your mind Jurassic Park: The Lost World and Duel. Not to mention the beguiling science fiction fairy tales A.I. and E.T. And let’s not get into my cameo role in The Blues Brothers, or those documentaries I made about the Second World War and President Obama. And what’s the point in dredging up the segment of The Twilight Zone movie and those episodes of Columbo I was involved with? I was a young man, a kid and no one knew me. It just isn’t relevant to the point I want to make and this very important issue which I would like to shine a light on today.

So PLEASE sign the petition and remember to give generously. Thank You.


Steven Spielberg