PAUL SCHRADER DOWNED FACEBOOK

HOLLYWOOD – Oligarch psychopath, Mark Zuckerberg has confirmed that Paul Schrader downed Facebook with ‘the sheer weight of shitty posts’, that it completely toppled the whole Facebook group of sites. The unpredictable and verbally effluent director, Paul Schrader downed Facebook with a never ending torrent of shit on his page.

Taxi Drivel

Posts on Schrader’s Facebook range from complaining about gay actresses to whining that he’s been kicked out of his online poker group due to ‘cancel culture’. It really is a never ending fountain of shit for anyone who wants to feel better about themselves. But all the fun and ‘schraderfreuder’ (see what we did there?) games came crashing to the ground yesterday when the entire Facebook group closed down for over 6 hours.

Paul Schrader Downs Facebook

After an intense IT investigation period, it was discovered that Facebook had finally reached its shit-post threshold. This was digitally manifested in a reverse Tron-like move where ton after ton of actual shit was generated from the Zuckerberg servers.

Raging Bullshit

Staff at Facebook HQ were unable to enter the building. At first it was believed to be because the security system had also crashed. Later, it was revealed it was down to severe amounts of Schrader’s bullshit behind the doors.

Bringing Out The Shit

Twitter immediately responded by placing a blanket ban on anyone with the name Paul Schrader, Paul, or anyone bemoaning a world where you can’t act like a fucking asshole all the time. Thanks to their quick action, the shit infestation failed to take a grip on the micro-blogging site. Therefore Twitter was left with just a few minor skid-marks.

Brown Collar

Zuckerberg was ‘unavailable for comment’ at the time of writing. Unfortunately, we have been plagued by requests from Mr Schrader. He wants us to provide him with another platform to moan about ‘those fucking lesbians’. But we have declined the first few thousand requests of his.

 

MORE ON THIS STORY AS IT BREAKS

ROBERT DE NIRO MAKES BEST FILM IN YEARS

NEW YORK – Robert De Niro’s new film is the best in years and will make you forgive him for Dirty Grandpa and Meet the Fockers.

Grudge Match was awful, as was Meet the Fockers and a whole list of other woeful comedies. But this new film is equal to Taxi Driver, Raging Bull, Godfather Part II, The Mission, Goodfellas. Welcome back Bobby. We missed you.

 

AL PACINO TO JOIN ROBERT DENIRO FOR DIRTY GRANDPA 2

HOLLYWOOD – Veteran Hollywood actor Al Pacino is to join Robert de Niro for Dirty Grandpa 2: Dirty Grandpas according to a statement issued today.

Al Pacino and Robert de Niro have teamed up in the past: the generational drama of The Godfather Part 2 and the diner confrontation in Heat being particular highlights. However, they are set to break box office records with their new comic pairing Dirty Grandpa 2: Dirty Grandpas.

Al Pacino popped into the Studio Exec Jacuzzi Spa last night to give us the gist:

Any chance I get to work with Bob, I take it. I’ve always admired his work and our careers have taken some might say parallel paths, only occasionally meeting.  When I saw Dirty Grandpa, I shouted ‘Whoa! Whoa! Hoo-har!’ because this was something I hadn’t seen for a while. Genuinely breaking new ground. People say Bob is sliding downhill, but it isn’t true, he’s looking around him at the culture and he’s making what he sees as the keystone of the culture. In the seventies that was Taxi Driver and Godfather Part 2, in the eighties it was Once Upon a Time in America and Raging Bull and now for the millennials he’s making Dirty Grandpa. If you don’t like it, don’t blame Bob. He’s just following the zeitgeist. As indeed am I.

Will you be joining him also in some David O. Russell films?

Please! Do I look absolutely desperate?

Zac Efron will also reprise his role as Jim, or Jason or whoever; and Dan Mazer will return to direct. John Phillips will once more be writing the ‘script’.

Dirty Grandpa 2: Dirty Grandpas will be released in 2018.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

DIRTY GRANDPA NOT AS GOOD AS RAGING BULL

HOLLYWOOD – The internet was shocked today to learn that Robert de Niro’s new film Dirty Grandpa is ‘not as good as Raging Bull.’

Film critics have almost unanimously asserted that the comedy starring Robert de Niro and Zac Efron – Dirty Grandpa – is not as good as Raging Bull.

Xavier Poulis of the World Film Critics Association was not alone in expressing his disappointment.

It’s really galling. Every time we go to a new Robert de Niro film we think this time it’s going to be great. This one is going to be the one that really knocks it out of the park, but it’s not even nearly as good as Raging Bull. It’s almost as if it’s terrible. I don’t know how this has happened.

Variety, The Hollywood Reporter, Deadline, The New Yorker, The New York Times, The LA Times, Slash Film and the UK Guardian all took the unprecedented step of issuing a joint statement.

Robert de Niro’s film Dirty Grandpa is not as good as Raging Bull, this much is clear. But what the public should know before they go and see this picture, is that it is not as good as The Deer Hunter either, nor The Godfather Part 2, nor Once Upon a Time in America, nor The King of Comedy, nor Goodfellas, nor Casino. It isn’t even as good as Cape Fear, We’re No Angels and Midnight Run. It’s not as good as Angel Heart or A Bronx Tale. So by all means go and see it, but don’t expect to see anything like what Mr. De Niro has provided in the past. Except perhaps Meet the Parents, Meet the Fockers etc.

Strangely, DirtyGrandpa has been hailed in France as Robert De Niro’s best film ever because of ‘post-modernism’.

Bad Grandpa is out now.

47 FILMS: 13. FAT CITY

In our continuing series of  ’47 Films to see before you’re murdered in your dreams’, we look at John Huston’s grimly brilliant boxing picture Fat City.

The fact of the matter is there have been more decent Boxing pictures than there have been decent boxing matches and John Huston’s Fat City is one of the best. Stacey Keach is the man who wakes up in his underwear in a flea pit boarding house, his bottle down to the dregs and unable to find a light. As Kris Kristoferson – who was legally required to write a song for every US film from 1971 to 1974 – croons about headaches, Billy Tully (Keach) stumbles out onto the street and heads for the gym where he is hoping to perhaps pick up the pieces. Here he meets young Ernie (Jeff Bridges) and the two spar. Tully’s comeback seems already over when he pulls a muscle but on his advice, Ernie goes to the local gym where he is taken on by Tully’s old coach Ruben (Nicholas Colasanto, who played coach in Cheers).

This is no Rocky, or Million Dollar Baby, or Raging Bull, or Southpaw. Those films all follow a similar trajectory, a rise and fall. They all perceive their particular fighter as in some way special – a contender. In Fat City, both Ernie and Tully are nothing special, except for the novelty that they’re white fighting among the black and Mexicans who make up the circuit. Ernie is particularly inept as a boxer and gets himself knocked out in his first bout, his nose broken badly in the next. When he does win a fight by a decision, we don’t even see it. Tully’s belated comeback fight is a brutal affair against another old fighter who is a similarly aging slugger and who pisses blood before the fight.

This is John Steinbeck country, or something Charles Bukowski might have written if he’d stopped for a second writing books about himself. Poor Californians – both Ernie and Tully end up fruit picking at one point – along with the poverty and possible brain damage, Tully has the additional abuse of alcoholism to contend with and a relationship with fellow boozer Oma (a magnificent Susan Tyrell), who for a moment gives him companionship but ultimately torments him. Ernie also has a girl Faye (Candy Clarke) and things seem more hopeful when he gets her pregnant and marries her.

Adapted from his own novel by Leonard Gardner, Fat City is a film that refuses the glamour of the usual boxing pic. There’s no escape from poverty – Cinderella Man – there’s no redemption or defeating of demons, no glory and no glamour. In the end there’s a brutal honesty and a small perfect epic about the losers who never get to Fat City.

 For more of our ’47 Films to see Before you are Murdered in your Dreams’ Click Here.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL GOT BRAIN DAMAGE FOR SOUTHPAW

HOLLYWOOD – Jake Gyllenhaal revealed today that his preparations for Southpaw also involved gaining sixteen pounds of brain damage.

When you see Jake Gyllenhaal in his new boxing drama Southpaw, you’ll be amazed at his physical transformation which saw the actor gain pounds and build muscle to take on the role of Billy ‘The Great’ Hope, a middle weight boxer in search of redemption in Anthony Fuqua’s drama. However, what you might not know is that the Brokeback Mountain actor also got himself brain damage in order to get closer to the reality of boxing.

Jake spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec to explain his preparation:

Everyone is going to concentrate on the body and how hard I trained, like Robert de Niro for Raging Bull. They’re going to say I’m like Robert de Niro, I know that. But the reality of boxing isn’t just looking ripped. It’s also about being hit in the head so that the brain sloshes about in the skull like a blancmange in cement mixer. And it takes a quite a bit of damage so that the words in the right order come don’t. And so I do that as well. Which de Niro didn’t do.

How did you get the brain damage?

I just let people hit me in the head for hours at a time. And hey presto! the MRI showed the degree of damage that was done.

And how will you return back to normal?

Where’s normal?

Southpaw is on general release.

HIDDEN GEMS: 10. ROCKY

HIDDEN GEMS showcases little-known film gems that have somehow slipped through the collective cinematic consciousness. This week—”Rocky”

Long before “Raging Bull” made boxing films fashionable, former soft-core porn actor and muscle man Sylvester Stallone wrote and starred in “Rocky,” a subtle and fascinating character study released in 1976. Rocky Balboa is a simple but honest man—an updated, working-class version of Lenny from Of Mice and Men. Sure, Rocky works as a strong-arm man for the local mobster, but he’s as likely to take pity on you as break your kneecaps. He has a cheerful word for everyone as he roams the neighbourhood, where he is something between a figure of fun and a local legend. Rocky’s also shyly attracted to the quiet girl, Adrian (Talia Shire), at the pet store, and he befriends her oafish, alcoholic, abattoir-working brother Paulie (Burt Young) in order to get close to her. He also boxes, worshipping his hero, Rocky Graziano; but the trainer at the gym, Mick (Burgess Meredith), has moved Rocky’s locker and considers him a washout who once had potential but who blew it with a lack of focus and poor fights. Rocky’s big chance comes, however, when the champion of the world, Apollo Creed—a transparent Muhammad Ali rip-off played by Carl Weathers—has a fight fall through and decides to give a local boy a chance.

Suddenly, the local stumble-bum becomes the hero with everyone wanting a piece of him. Rocky’s dilemma lies not only in facing up to the vastly superior fighter, Creed, but also in maintaining his own integrity and dignity. He accepts Mick’s help, accedes to Paulie’s demands, but remains his own man and doesn’t lose sight of the fact that his goal is no longer to become a great fighter so much as to keep the heart of the woman he loves.

Stallone has never been better, both as a writer and an actor, and it’s a real pity that the film wasn’t a bigger success. It would be nice to see a sequel telling the story of what happens to Rocky Balboa next.

For more Hidden Gems Click Here. 

MICKEY ROURKE IN RAGING BULL SEQUEL

HOLLYWOOD – The first pictures from the long awaited Raging Bull 2: The Moscow Tour have hit the internet, showing Mickey Rourke in action in the ring.

A sequel to the Robert de Niro/Martin Scorsese classic Raging Bull, the picture sees Jake La Motta (Mickey Rourke) travelling to Russia to fight a series of exhibition bouts and in the process foil a plot by the Russian Mafia to start World War 3.

Director Darren Aronofsky reuniting with Rourke following their success with The Wrestler spoke to The Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

We thought this version was going to be a much lighter piece than we did before. But at the same time I have a lot of respect for Scorsese’s original, especially Paul Schrader’s screenplay. Truly magnificent. He really made it real. So in a way will I. We’ve got Mickey actually touring Russia now and fighting real bouts. We’re stealing a lot of footage from this and we’re going to incorporate it into the film. As much as I like the original I think you’ll find RB2: The Moscow Tour will improve on it.

How so?

Well, for starters it’s in color. I haven’t got a clue what Scorsese was thinking about, but black and white? What a stupid idea!

But Pi, your debut film was in black and white.

Shut up. And Mickey Rourke as an actor is much better than Robert de Niro. In the way that Hugh Jackman is vastly superior to Brad Pitt.

Okay.

And as a writer I’m better than Mr. Schrader. Though I do respect him. But everything can be improved upon. And yes, that includes the Bible.

Raging Bull 2: The Moscow Years will be released in 2016.

STALLONE MAKES BOXING MOVIE AS AN EXCUSE TO BEAT UP ROBERT DENIRO

HOLLYWOOD – Sylvester Stallone‘s Grudge Match has almost finished filming with Robert DeNiro. The film involves a pair of old boxing rivals who step back into the ring to settle once and for all who made the best Vietnam movie.

Alan Arkin plays the aging coach, rescued from a nursing home (along with the rest of the cast), to prepare Stallone for a final epic bout.
Sources close to Mr. Stallone said:

Sly feels very under-appreciated by the critical community. People love The Deer Hunter and put it above Rambo 2, likewise they always give the critical plaudits to Raging Bull and not Rocky. He is seething inside. Expendables was actually an attempt to remake Ronin. Sly hates DeNiro’s guts and my fear is that there are going to be some real punches thrown in the ring.   

Bobby DeNiro however pooh-poohed such talk as malicious gossip. ‘I’ve always been a great fan of Sylvester Stallone and we’re great buddies,’ said The Godfather Part Two star. ‘Stop or My Mom Will Shoot is what inspired me to become an actor in the first place.’
‘But you were already an actor when that came out.’
‘Yeah, well, what I mean is it would’ve. You know.’

Grudge Match is released in 2014.