HOLLYWOOD – Johnny Depp to retire.

Johnny Depp announced his retirement from movie acting in order to devote himself full time to being a children’s entertainer, by the name of ‘Mr Gangley’.

A friend close to Johnny Depp told Studio Exec, “Johnny didn’t like the reaction to The Rum Diary and Transcendence. Both of which he had hoped would repair some of the damage The Tourist had done, which he did as a way of getting away from the snore machine that was Public Enemies.”

Film historian and self-confessed ‘Depp-spert’, Felix Dripping argues:

Depp has actually been a children’s entertainer for some time now. First, The Mad Hatter, Jack Sparrow, Tonto, that other shit he did with Burton, none of that was actually acting. He was just putting on makeup and pulling faces and shit. Perhaps, he simply forgot how to act.

Michael Mann also had harsh words for the former Freddy Kreuger victim number 4. “For Public Enemies I gave him John Dillinger, one of the most exciting roles you can imagine. And he made him boring.”

There have long been rumours that Mr Depp was not happy with his current profession. Comments he made during an appearance on Letterman to the effect that he never watched his own films now seem to have been a warning sign. While filming Pirates 4 he took time off to visit a local school and entertain the kids, telling the director Rob Marshall to “go fuck yourself.”

From now on, he will go by the name of Mr Gangley and is declaring himself available for children’s parties. He is offering magic tricks, balloon animals, improv character pieces (no pirates) and ventriloquism with his new monkey friend, Jimmy Spangles.

Johnny Depp’s last film will be Pirates of the Caribbean 5.


HOLLYWOOD – Children’s entertainer and cosplay enthusiast Johnny Depp has announced that he will be returning to acting after a ten year hiatus starring in Wally Pfister’s debut feature Transcendence.  

The rapidly ageing star last acted in The Libertine in 2004, when he played poet and pronger, the Earl of Rochester. The subsequent years have been spent ‘messing about and drinking’, he boasted to the Studio Exec in a moment of ill-advised honesty. He continued:

I enjoy dressing up, and the make up and wigs and what not. Everyone seems happy enough, so why put any effort into, you know, nuanced character and subtlety. Robert Downey Jr is my hero in this. He’s been coasting since Chaplin. But after a while, I started to feel empty inside. I felt like a fraud. And so I stopped answering the phone when I saw it was Tim’s number and then when I heard Wally needed someone, I took off the make up and dusted off my acting face.

However, before fans of film acting celebrate too loudly, it is worth remembering that Mr. Depp has promised a return to acting before, only to turn up on set asleep and sleep walk through the entire production: see The Rum Diary and Public Enemies or, better still, don’t.

Transcendence will be released in April 2014.