GLADIATOR 2 WILL INCLUDE XENOMORPH

HOLLYWOOD – Ridley Scott announces Gladiator 2 will feature Xenomorph from the Alien series.

Everyone loved it when they heard that Ridley Scott is making Gladiator 2. He spoke with the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY about the new film:

Yeah, of course we’re going to bring Russell Crowe back from the dead. He’s going to play Maximus’ twin brother Randy. He’s a lot different from Maximus but he’ll train up because Rome is threatened and we must defend it.

Threatened? By what?

Aliens!

Fuck!

I know. You see one of the reasons I felt reluctant to go back to Ancient Rome is I had decided that I was only going to make  films with xenomorphs in them. Prometheus and Alien and all that. Then someone said well why can’t there be Xenomorphs in Rome and then Randy will fight them in the Colluseum? And I said, I like it! And I snapped my fingers. Which is something I only do when it’s a really good idea. Like White Squall. Or GI Jane or something.

What about Nick Cave’s script?

Yeah we wanted to use that but there was one problem.

What was it?

It was shit. The whole thing rhymed. And it would have bits saying Guitar solo and stuff like that.

Gladiator 2: Resurrection comes out in 2020.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

RIDLEY SCOTT’S PROMETHEUS ‘STILL SHIT’

LONDON – A rewatch of Ridley Scott’s Prometheus confirmed last night that the Alien prequel is still crap.

Derek Ammerberryson of North London in the United Kingdom confirmed last night that Prometheus was ‘still shit.’ Ammerberryson accidentally rewatched the blu-ray when after a mix up with cases. He told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

I put the film in the wrong case. I wanted to watch Necromancer again but then the menu came up with that bird from The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and so I realized – with horror – my mistake. I’d seen Alien Covenant and hadn’t wanted to kill myself so I thought I’d give the first film a whirl and see if it was as bad as I remembered.

And?

Oh it is absolute dog turd.

Really?

Piss biscuits. Big dog’s cocks.

Right.

It’s like cinematic effluent. The script seems to have been written by Damon Lindelof. It’s that bad.

It was written by Damon Lindelof.

Well, there you go, see!

What would you say to those who are thinking of rewatching Prometheus?

I’ve got a copy of Necromancer I’ll sell you for a tanner.

Prometheus is still available.

RIDLEY SCOTT INSERTS KEVIN SPACEY INTO PROMETHEUS

HOLLYWOOD – Ridley Scott has taken the unprecedented step of digitally inserting disgraced actor Kevin Spacey into his 2012 science fiction film Prometheus.

Ridley Scott is inserting Kevin Spacey into Prometheus. The move came after Spacey  Scott removed The Usual Suspects star from his new film All the Money in the World.

The British director explained his actions to the Studio Exec:

When you digitally remove an actor, you have to work out where to put him. You can’t just delete him, because due to an error in the law that’s illegal. So we decided we’d put him somewhere no one is going to look. Prometheus can hold Kevin and there’s very little chance it will spoil anyone’s involvement of the film.

Some however contest that the insertion actually constitutes ‘cruel and unusual punishment. Legal expert Devin Pok told the Studio Exec:

It’s actually crazy. So far Kevin Spacey has not been charged with any criminal behavior. A lot of the scandal is sleazy but doesn’t necessarily stand up to anything illegal. The fact that he has been taken out of the Ridley Scott film is understandable. An artist will want to protect his work and the studio has a right to protect their investment. However, to then take that actor and place him in a movie as bad as Prometheus… Not even a murderer deserves that kind of treatment.

Ridley Scott will release the Director’s Cut of Prometheus released Tuesday night at seven.

5 THINGS WRONG WITH ALIEN: COVENANT

HOLLYWOOD – Alien: Covenant is out and I tried to like it but in space no one can hear your eyes roll.

With Alien: Covenant, Ridley Scott has made a film that’s a bit better than the last bad film he made. Warning: there are SPOILERS.

Continue reading “5 THINGS WRONG WITH ALIEN: COVENANT”

RIOTS IN DENMARK AS NOOMI RAPACE DROPPED FROM PROMETHEUS SEQUEL

COPENHAGEN – Riots swept through all the major cities of Denmark following the news that Noomi Rapace won’t be returning for the Prometheus sequel, Prometheus Covenant.

Seven Danish cities including the capital city Copenhagen were in flames last night as angry mobs reacted to the news that Noomi Rapace would not be returning as Dr. Elizabeth Shaw in the Prometheus sequel Prometheus Covenant. Ridley Scott gave the news in his trademark British beard, answering a direct question about her involvement with the reply:

No.

This was later confirmed by Rapace herself who said that she had no plans to join the film, which is set to begin shooting in the next month. The news set off flash mobs which soon turned ugly and before you could say ‘pastry’ the normally phlegmatic Scandinavians were torching furniture shops and blowing up renewable energy hubs. Authorities attempted to calm the situation by screening Prometheus on state television to remind every one of how bad it was.

The Culture Minister Bertal Haarder told the Studio Exec:

I don’t understand this reaction. It’s crazy. To begin with Prometheus was a terrible film, sluggish with lots of moments that made no narrative since. And Secondly, Noomi Rapace is Swedish not Danish, so it can’t even be seen as a fit of nationalistic fervor.

Meanwhile riots have spread to France, Canada, Jordan and South Africa simply because of the news that the Prometheus sequel is going ahead anyway. The newly elected Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau spoke for many when he said:

No body wants this film. Nobody asked for it. And it is in danger of ruining the greatness of the original Alien movie. Why doesn’t Ridley Scott give the people what they really want? Matchstick Men 2!

Prometheus Covenant will be released in 2017.

RIDLEY SCOTT TO FILM CANDY CRUSH

HOLLYWOOD – Ridley Scott has confirmed that he will film a motion picture based on the popular app/game Candy Crush Saga by King.com.

Gladiator and Prometheus director Ridley Scott today confirmed he will be filming a new adaptation of the popular game Candy Crush, recently purchased by Activision. Scott spoke to the Studio Exec exclusively: 

I’ve always wanted to film something that is just about connections, patterns and confectionery, with no characters, no dialogue, just sweeties and shapes and stuff. And this looks like my chance.

Billed as a cross between The Parallax View and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Scott’s film is already in the late stages of pre-production. Scott told us:

The real problem was getting a story. Angry Birds you have a story, so that script wrote itself (well actually Cormac McCarthy wrote it) and I’m hoping to film it sometime late next year. Kevin Smith wrote a brilliant treatment for Monopoly but it was too obviously Marxist, so we had trouble selling that to the big studios. Candy Crush is colorful and exciting but where’s the story? Then I saw Battleship and it was like I had been hit by lightning. Eureka! We don’t need a story. We can just go ahead. We don’t need characters or any human emotion. Obviously I’d been experimenting with that kind of film with The Counselor and Prometheus but this will give me the scope to go all out.

Michael Fassbender is to play the yellow sweets whose paradisiacal home is threatened by the multicolored gobstoppers led by Kevin Spacey.

Candy Crush is due out late in 2016.

JAMES CAMERON TO DIRECT GLADIATOR SEQUEL

HOLLYWOOD – Once more James Cameron is to take over the reins of a Ridley Scott film as he prepares to shoot the Gladiator sequel.

Following close on the news that James Cameron is to direct the sequel of Prometheus came the revelation that he is also prepping a sequel to the Russell Crowe sword and sandal epic Gladiator. Gladiators will be set ten years after the events of the first film. The official synopsis reads:

Maximus Decimus Meridius is dead but not forgotten. The people of Rome have elevated him to the status of a demi-God and a symbol of freedom. Lucilla mourns her dead lover and her son, the new emperor, Lucius Verus, now known as Optimus, believes he is the model of manhood. When Rome is threatened by an invasion of Vandals and Goths from the North, Emperor Optimus with the help of the High Priest of the Temple and necromancer decide to raise Maximus from the dead to lead their armies. Unfortunately, they are too late and the Barbarians are already at the gates of Rome. Killed halfway through the ceremony, the priest manages to complete the incantation and as the invaders celebrate their victory a hoard of Maximuses are brought to life. Will they be able to free Rome and free the  imprisoned Lucilla and Emperor Optimus or are they doomed to fight in the Coliseum for the entertainment of Rome’s new Masters?

James Cameron popped into the Studio Exec bungalow to talk about his new film.

I’m looking forward to it. I am putting Avatar on hold to do this and Prometheuses but I believe both films will extend much loved universes and I am confident, following my success with Aliens, that everyone will be happy.

What is it with Ridley Scott’s films in particular?

It’s like this. I consider Aliens to be my first big break. Terminator was a success, but I don’t know if I would have got Terminator 2: Judgement Day without Aliens. So I have a lot of affection for that movie. Whenever Ridley comes out with a film, it is almost a reflex for me to think, would it work in the plural. Sometimes, it’s obvious that it won’t. Thelmas and Louises I wrote a script but the story of two sets of twins who went on a road trip into the badlands of misogyny was never going to work. Matchstick Men was already plural and Black Hawks Down seemed tasteless. More recently I briefly considered The Counselor, but really, what’s the point?

Gladiators will be released in 2018.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

JAMES CAMERON TO MAKE PROMETHEUSES

MIAMI – Ridley Scott revealed today that he would not be directing the sequel to Prometheus as he had ‘muffed it up the last time’ and would be passing the reins to James Cameron.

“Prometheuses” will be released sometime in 2017 and will be the second time that James Cameron has taken over a franchise started by Ridley Scott. Speaking from a hot tub in Florida, Ridley Scott said:

I was really looking forward to getting back to the Alien universe, but something went wrong. I could blame Damon Lindelof and his Pigs in Space script and so I will.  

Cameron said he was first approached about the idea soon after Prometheus had been released.

They came and asked what I thought about doing a sequel and did I have any ideas. I said sure, I did. I said, what if there were more Prometheuses? Like a whole army of them. And there was this bunch of rough neck marines sent in, led by (obviously) Michael Biehn. 

Prometheuses? You mean … but the space ship was…

I mean the horrible creatures that burst out and the blood ….  hisssssss… argggghhh! Kapow, kapow. Ka-BOOOOM (in 3D).

You haven’t actually seen the film have you?

No, not actually seen it. No. But they said that would be an advantage. 

Prometheuses will be due out sometime in 2017.

RIDLEY SCOTT PROMISES TO RUIN ALIEN COMPLETELY

LONDON – Today Ridley Scott vowed that he would ruin his breakthrough science fiction/horror hit  Alien completely, promising a further two Prometheus prequels.

Many had hoped that Prometheus had been greeted with such critical lukewarmth if not hatred that cinema-goers would nary be met with a follow up, but it appears today that Ridley Scott is determined to ruin his original Alien film in a fit of nihilistic loathing of the world. He popped into the Pinewood Studio Exec Bungalow yesterday to talk about it:

People always say to me, “oh Ridley Alien was great” or “Gee Ridley I really enjoyed Blade Runner”. Nobody mentions White Squall, Somebody to Watch Over Me, Black Rain or GI Jane. I made 1492 with not a single shot of CGI and Gerard Depardieu for Christ’s sake. What is the matter with these people? Why can’t they appreciate my whole Oeuvre?

Your what?

My Oeuvre Goddamn it! It’s what French directors have. For breakfast I think.

Oh.

So my plan is Blade Runner 2. There you go, you can stop going on about Blade Runner and Prometheus 2 and 3 and boom, Alien will start looking like something that isn’t that special. P. T. Anderson, God Bless him, tried to ruin two franchises in one go with his Alien V Predator films, but you need real skill to properly ruin films. And I’m your man.

Why do you hate the world so much? 

Because people are weird flesh bags and they open their mouths and massive word trains come out. No one appreciates me for the genius I am except me. Yesterday I got a Kinder Surprise. I opened it and the little plastic toy inside, well… it wasn’t a surprise anymore. I was totally expecting it.

Prometheus 2 and Prometheus 3 will be released in 2017 and 2019.

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT MICHAEL FASSBENDER

HOLLYWOOD – He is one of the most exciting actors around, appearing in Slow West, Assassin’s Creed and a new version of Macbeth, but what do we really know about Michael Fassbender?

The Michael Fassbender FACT squad parachuted behind enemy lines last night, to get FACTS! Here they are:

1. Michael Fassbender has a large penis.

2. Michael Fassbender’s penis is half Irish and half German, a fact which led to Quentin Tarantino casting him in Inglourious Basterds.

3. The many failings of Prometheus could not be blamed on Michael Fassbender’s penis, which was the best thing in it.

4. Michael Fassbender’s penis is due to perform a one man show off Broadway. Details are unconfirmed but it is mainly believed to be stand up.

5. Michael Fassbender’s penis is attached to a versatile and talented actor who has been brilliant in Hunger, Shame and 12 Years a Slave as well as some films not directed by Steve McQueen, like X-Men: First Class and Frank.

For more FACTS click HERE.

BLADE RUNNER 2: DAMON LINDELOF ARRESTED

HOLLYWOOD – Damon Lindelof has been arrested after defying a court order making it illegal for Mr. Lindelof to approach within 200 metres of the Blade Runner sequel, tentatively titled Blade Runner 2.

Judge Jorges Harenton had ruled in his judgement in June of this year, soon after seeing Prometheus, that Mr. Lindelof should obey the restraining order as he has had a history of causing a huge amount of public distress, especially with his ‘bullshit plotting and cloth-eared dialogue’.
Judge Harenton went on to write in his ruling, that the Lost writer ‘had grievously and with knowledge aforethought caused untold damage to what had been like the science fiction horror film of all time.’
Mr. Lindelof had responded  by saying ‘Is this serious? that can’t be right’ and had treated to the restraining order as a joke. He was found in the early hours of this morning emailing Ridley Scott with a story outline (to read the email CLICK HERE). In his possession was a heavily annotated copy of Philip K. Dick’s Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? the book on which the original film was based.
In a surprise twist, STUDIO EXEC can reveal that it was Ridley Scott who telephoned the police on receiving the email.

NEW CHARLIZE THERON FRAGRANCE PULLED

PARIS – Charlize Theron’s publicity campaign for her latest line in fragrance – Je Suis Charlize – has been pulled due to issues of taste.

A spokesperson for the actress said:

This campaign has been planned for months and it was only when we actually had the launch party and everyone looked at the adverts and the poster that we thought ‘oh wait!’ Lenny Kravitz was actually the first person to notice, because he reads newspapers and stuff. We didn’t want to cause any offence, though we did think about continuing with the adverts anyway. I mean, we’re also sure that Charlie Hebdo, being a satirical magazine, will fully understand our mistake and forgive us.

This is not the first time the actress has accidentally courted controversy. In 2001 her German football kit fashion top Nein 11 was misinterpreted as a reference to Obama Bin Laden’s attack on the Twin Towers. And more recently her Hurricane Katrina swimwear collection was pulled due to perceived insensitivity. However, Charlize Theron has always been dismissive of criticism. ‘I was in Prometheus,’ she told the Studio Exec.

And I consider that the way an action hero in the 80s would think of Vietnam. It hardened me. Turned me into a weird kind of killing machine. I consider good taste to just be Brian Dennehy in  a sheriff’s uniform telling me to move on. I mean, you’ve seen Prometheus, right?

Do you believe the publicity campaign should have been pulled? Add your comment in the box below.

SCRIPT LEAK: PROMETHEUS 2:

EXT: DEEP SPACE

THE CAMERA PANS ACROSS SPACE AND EVENTUALLY FOCUSES ON A LARGE PLANET THAT LOOKS SIMILAR TO EARTH. ALL OF A SUDDEN A BATTERED SPACESHIP APPEARS HURTLING TOWARDS THE PLANET.

EXT: PLANET

THE SPACESHIP CRASH LANDS INTO A FOREST. THERE APPEARS TO BE NO SIGN OF LIFE UNTIL THE BAY DOORS OPEN AND DAVID THE ANDROID’S HEAD ROLLS DOWN THE SLOPE AND COMES TO REST ON THE GROUND. IT LOOKS AROUND, SPROUTS MECHANICAL SPIDERS LEGS AND SCURRIES OFF INTO THE UNDERGROWTH.

DR ELIZABETH SHAW APPEARS IN A BIKNI AND SUNGLASSES DRINKING FROM A BOTTLE OF TEQUILA. BEHIND HER APPEARS AN ALIEN ALSO IN SUNGLASSES SMOKING A CIGARETTE. THEY KISS.

DAVID’S SPIDER HEAD SCURRIES BACK TOWARDS THE COUPLE

DAVID

If you would both like to step this way. There is something I think you’d like to see.

SHAW AND THE ALIEN FOLLOW DAVID THROUGH THE FOREST UNTIL THEY COME TO A CLEARING. A GIANT GRAVESTONE IS SEEN WITH THE WORDS ‘ HERE LIES GOD. 100 BILLION BC – JULY 25TH 2095′.

SHAW

I can’t believe we came all this way and only missed him by a day. I had so many questions. So many things I wanted to say.

THE ALIEN NODS AND CONTINUES SMOKING

SHAW(CONT)

Ah well, f*ck it. Come on boys let’s get back to earth and I’ll take you both to Disneyland.

DAVID

Wait Dr Shaw. There’s something else.

DAVID SCAMPERS TOWARDS THE CLIFF EDGE FOLLOWED BY SHAW AND THE ALIEN. THEY LOOK DOWN AND SEE THE STATUE OF LIBERTY HALF BURIED IN SAND.

SHAW

You maniacs! You blew it up! Oh, damn you! God damn you all to hell!

FIN

RIDLEY SCOTT’S EXODUS SLAMMED BY BOB MARLEY’S FAMILY

 HOLLYWOOD – An early screening of Ridley Scott‘s new film Exodus: Gods and Kings has created a strongly negative reaction from the late Bob Marley’s family.

Continue reading “RIDLEY SCOTT’S EXODUS SLAMMED BY BOB MARLEY’S FAMILY”