LONDON – Ridley Scott has finally confessed that his upcoming sequel to Prometheus is an elaborate hoax.
“I’m just making it for shits and giggles”, said Scott.
I had great fun making the original, I got a bunch of rich people to give me a lot of money to piss all over the Alien franchise. I remember having a drink with Paul W.S. Anderson after he screened Alien vs. Predator and we were sipping champagne and laughing about how terrible it was. He bet me that I couldn’t make something worse and I got really close with the first film, but let me tell you, the sequel is going to be so bad the fans are going to lynch me. Well, they won’t actually lynch me they’ll just bitch and moan on twitter and convince themselves that somebody gives a tuppenny f*ck about their pathetic whining.
Scott went on to say that he’s trying out a new directing technique during the production:
I’m turning up drunk every day and just sitting in my chair and pointing. Sometimes I point left , sometimes I point right and sometimes I point left and right at the same time and nobody knows where the f*ck they should stand. It’s hysterical. Last week I made Michael Fassbender fight a Walrus. It was never going to be in the finished movie but I just wanted to see him fight one.
Scott said he’s having such a good time he’s already working on a third movie tentatively titled Prometheus 3: Back in the Habit.
It’s about a Xenomorph that goes undercover at a convent disguised as a Nun. Every time I think about making it, a little bit of wee comes out.
Prometheus 2 AKA Alien: Covenant is due in 2017
HOLLYWOOD – Ridley Scott has announced that his next film will be a biopic on the life of President Barack Obama, the 44th President of the United States of America.
Despite having a full slate with the Prometheus sequel on the cards, Ridley Scott has confirmed that he will be also lensing a new biopic of the first Afro-American President Barack Obama. Scott came into the Studio Exec office to talk EXCLUSIVELY about his project.
I was under a lot of criticism for Exodus: Gods and Kings for the casting and I really resented the fact that there were accusations of white washing and therefore what could only be racism on my part. I wanted a way of expressing myself that would make it clear that I am far from being a racist. So what better than a biopic of our first black president?
And who will play Obama?
A wonderful actor I know.
But he’s not black.
He’s not gay either and you should have seen him banging Liberace in Behind the Candelabra.
The President will be released in 2017.
LANGLEY – The CIA have issued a statement declaring that recently released documents on the WikiLeaks site are a fabrication.
“There is no Project Prometheus,” said a CIA spokesman.
These fake documents are an obvious attempt to undermine the integrity of the United States and we are currently undertaking an investigation into who provided these files to WikiLeaks.
The existence of Project Prometheus has been debated on the internet since 2012 when an anonymous individual posted the following message on the notorious 4Chan message board:
My name is Abu Ahmed. For the last six months I have been held in a CIA detention facility somewhere in the Yemen. On my first day I was taken into a screening room showing the Ridley Scott movie, Prometheus. At first I thought this was a kind gesture but after an hour, I realised I was being tortured and by the time the credits rolled, I was ready to confess to anything.
Over the next few years similar posts appeared on various message boards describing this new interrogation technique. One post in particular sent shockwaves throughout social media:
I heard about one guy that was forced to watch the deleted scenes. They say he hasn’t stopped screaming in three years.
Former war correspondent, John Pilger, condemned the senseless torture but he did admit that it was proving to be an effective tool against the war on terror:
I’ve spoken to several people on the ground in Syria and they are convinced that as soon as the Prometheus sequel hits cinemas, ISIS are going to throw down their weapons and run away.
Alien: Covenant is due 2017
MIAMI – Ridley Scott revealed today that he would not be directing the sequel to Prometheus as he had ‘muffed it up the last time’ and would be passing the reins to James Cameron.
“Prometheuses” will be released sometime in 2017 and will be the second time that James Cameron has taken over a franchise started by Ridley Scott. Speaking from a hot tub in Florida, Ridley Scott said:
I was really looking forward to getting back to the Alien universe, but something went wrong. I could blame Damon Lindelof and his Pigs in Space script and so I will.
Cameron said he was first approached about the idea soon after Prometheus had been released.
They came and asked what I thought about doing a sequel and did I have any ideas. I said sure, I did. I said, what if there were more Prometheuses? Like a whole army of them. And there was this bunch of rough neck marines sent in, led by (obviously) Michael Biehn.
Prometheuses? You mean … but the space ship was…
I mean the horrible creatures that burst out and the blood …. hisssssss… argggghhh! Kapow, kapow. Ka-BOOOOM (in 3D).
You haven’t actually seen the film have you?
No, not actually seen it. No. But they said that would be an advantage.
Prometheuses will be due out sometime in 2017.
LONDON – Today Ridley Scott vowed that he would ruin his breakthrough science fiction/horror hit Alien completely, promising a further two Prometheus prequels.
Many had hoped that Prometheus had been greeted with such critical lukewarmth if not hatred that cinema-goers would nary be met with a follow up, but it appears today that Ridley Scott is determined to ruin his original Alien film in a fit of nihilistic loathing of the world. He popped into the Pinewood Studio Exec Bungalow yesterday to talk about it:
People always say to me, “oh Ridley Alien was great” or “Gee Ridley I really enjoyed Blade Runner”. Nobody mentions White Squall, Somebody to Watch Over Me, Black Rain or GI Jane. I made 1492 with not a single shot of CGI and Gerard Depardieu for Christ’s sake. What is the matter with these people? Why can’t they appreciate my whole Oeuvre?
My Oeuvre Goddamn it! It’s what French directors have. For breakfast I think.
So my plan is Blade Runner 2. There you go, you can stop going on about Blade Runner and Prometheus 2 and 3 and boom, Alien will start looking like something that isn’t that special. P. T. Anderson, God Bless him, tried to ruin two franchises in one go with his Alien V Predator films, but you need real skill to properly ruin films. And I’m your man.
Why do you hate the world so much?
Because people are weird flesh bags and they open their mouths and massive word trains come out. No one appreciates me for the genius I am except me. Yesterday I got a Kinder Surprise. I opened it and the little plastic toy inside, well… it wasn’t a surprise anymore. I was totally expecting it.
Prometheus 2 and Prometheus 3 will be released in 2017 and 2019.
HOLLYWOOD – Paul W.S. Anderson (who recently was revealed to be the same person as Paul Thomas Anderson, CLICK HERE) has confirmed that his next film will be Alien Vs. Predator Vs. Prometheus:
Speaking with the Studio Exec, Anderson said the follow up to Prometheus will be ‘like one big xenomorph tag team.’
Anderson is obviously enthused at the prospect of AVP(VP) and says the script is already finished and filming is ready to begin.
I basically knocked it out in an afternoon. Funny thing is I rang Damon Lindeloff to boast and he told me Prometheus has taken less time to write than it took to watch. Like I’m sitting at the feet of the master. Hey, Master, The Master, get it?
The film will take place in the same universe as the Alien and Predator franchises and will also involve ‘Engineers’ and a really stupid bunch of humans.
That was the brilliance of Prometheus. Usually if you’re writing characters who I supposed to be really brainy it’s really difficult, but Damon made the scientists dumb asses, that was almost like the “autobiographical” element.
Alien Vs. Predator Vs. Prometheus will be released in October 2016 and will star various wives.