LONDON – All rise for Prince Zaphod Beeblebrox.
The royal baby who sprung from the loins of Prince William and subsequently the womb of Kate Middleton will be graced with the name Zaphod Beeblebrox. The name comes from the royal couple’s mutual love of HitchHiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, which was a radio drama, tv show before becoming a film, sometime I don’t know a few years ago. Google it.
Prince William told the Exec:
They wanted us to go for something more regal, but I told them all to shut it. Being royal you are allowed to do that. Both me and Kates love Douglas Adams and so we were either going to name him Dirk Gently or Zaphod. And if you think about it, it’s actually quite deep, because just as he will need a public face and a private face, so Zaphod had two actual heads.
What about the news that you’re actually calling him Prince Louis?
It’s horseshit. What kind of name is Louis? We’re not French.
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BALMORAL – Hermione Granger (Emma Watson) and Prince Harry Potter are to get married, the Palace announced today.
The a small private ceremony will take place at their former school of Hogwarts and will be attended by close friends and relatives. Friends of the couple said that the romance has been off / on for almost a year and were surprised at the sudden decision to commit.
Emma’s ex-boyfriend Ron Weasley said that he thinks Emma is making a mistake:
Prince Harry is not her type at all. She likes books and is clever, and he is the only person I know who would open a tube of Pringles sideways. She is cultured and a talented actor and he dresses as a Nazi for fun.
Is it possible that you’re just jealous?
Oh, absolutely. I screwed that up royally. Ha ha. Royally? No? Okay.
Kate Middleton and Prince William are understood to have gone on a secret double date with his brother and Emma, paint-balling. A court insider told the Exec:
It was totes rad. They were like absolutely covered in the umph-ka. Can you imagine it? Emma was bright magenta and the Duchess of Cornwall was lime green. Poor Harry had shot himself in the face peering down the barrel. But seemed none the worse for wear. And they were all laughing like incredibly well bred drains. I know they wanted J.K. Rowling to write the vows but they can’t afford her.
The Royal Wedding will take place sometime next week, following which Emma Watson will be known as Duchess Hermione of Granger.
LONDON – Pregnant British royal Kate Middleton will use the twins to save the day from the escalating tensions between Sony Pictures and North Korea.
Maybe in a bid to show the old gal it’s time for another woman to lead the Commonwealth, Prince William’s lady wife Kate Middleton announced she will single-handedly resolve the conflict over Hollywood comedy The Interview by naming their brewing twins Sony and Kim in honor of the electronics giants and its current nemesis, North Korean leader Kim Jong-un. The effort, she feels, will significantly dampen the current climate of anger and mistrust by immortalizing those two names side by side for eternity.
Prince William, speaking EXCLUSIVELY with The Studio Exec, explained the Royal decision.
Britain civilized the world, and will keep doing so for as long as it takes. Luckily, Kanye West gave his spawn such a colossally ridiculous handle that no other baby name henceforth will ever sound idiotic. That left us free to use our own progeny in forcing those two entities to stop acting like Kanye on his honeymoon and look at the bigger picture: A Seth Rogen comedy is no laughing matter, but for far different reasons.
The next in line to the throne declined to comment on how this decision would impact their son George, whom sources inside Buckingham palace say is already planning a use of his future siblings to swede the film at the center of this whole situation. Prince William did however convey his satisfaction with the pregnancy so far, citing the positive impact the twins are having on the “other twins”.
No word yet on possible terrorism threats from the alleged hackers to stop Kate from releasing the twins.